Egh.. For You Readers At Home.

[decemberseclips]

Alright let me start off with saying, I feel like shit. It's late at night and I can't sleep. I have a head ache and I'm sick. Oh well. Kev got our site running which kicks ass and makes me happy. Heather talked to me and really helped me and so did Kev and Seth <3. Thanx. Don't ask me why I feel like shit I just do. I guess I'm just reminising about my past. It's been so long and it's over. Everything is set in stone yet every day and night it goes through my head. I can't belive what I did today but I did it. I read her LJ. Yeah, I'm over her but it just fucking hurts inside. It kills me to think I could get hurt again and I am so scared. I'm not saying I don't want top be in a relationship it's just, I so scared. I'm scared of being hurt, scared it might be the wrong time and scared that I just won't be someone good to be in a relationship with. The percent of my relationships I have been dumped and if I could only tell you how that feels. I'm just so confused right now. God my head kills. And as emo as this sounds it just seems like every night I lie down I just want to cry and maybe it would help me out. Maybe it would fix my past. Maybe I could take back all the things I fucked up. And I'm not talking about relationsyhips. I'm talking about my whole 11th grade year. Just to think back and how bad I fucked up. How bad I not only let myself down but pretty much fucked up things in the future for me. I guess they can look at my 12th grade, grades and see that yes I am doing better but to have that with me and try to explain it is just so over whelming. To think from 9th to 10th grade I was this good kid and I still am but just tried stupid fucking things. I totaly dicthed all those important to me. I wish I could take it back. I look back even further with my friend Matt and just shit we have been through. That makes me feel like shit. I was young but still. Anyone who is reading this Matt and I are close friends now but girls got in the way before but not now. Now it's distance. And I feel so fucking weird because every now and than, a little too often, I just think of me dieing. I know it's a long way from now but I'm so scared. I know we don't know what's after this but it scares me. It really gets to me. I feel so weird to talk about this shit but you know what, I'm getting it all out now cause I will feel better. I think like two days ago Tina just seemed pissed and me and left me a message on my computer. Now I don't know what I did but I'm sorry. I just don't want to/feel like dealing with this middle school bullshit. No offense. I'm just done with it. I'm looking forward not only to what I think is the greatest thing in my life, music, but also college. I really want to stay focused and make my life the best it can possibly be. Before I leave you, for who ever reads this, I want to thank My heatherness, Kev and Seth for all taking the time to talk to me and making me feel loved. Making me feel like if I do fall I will be catched rather than to shatter into a million pieces. I love you guys with my whole heart and make me smile. Thank you to anyone who said our demo was good. That means so much to me. God knows I can't express enough what it means to me. Alright kids, Goodnight and sweet dreams. - Dave

P.S. - http://heartsbleedout.tripod.com/index.html Band web site.