Perspective - Chapter Four
[TITLE] Perspective
[PAIRING] Cloud Strife/Riku
[RATING] R
[DISCLAIMER] I wish, okay? It’s all lies. I don’t own Kingdom Hearts, I don’t know anyone who owns Kingdom Hearts, and I am not affiliated with anyone who is affiliated with anyone who owns Kingdom Hearts. I think that about covers it.
Chapter Four: Kairi
I was eight years old when I moved to Destiny Islands. The first seven years of my life were spent on another world, I suppose, but I can’t remember it even now. Even after learning about the Heartless, hiding my heart within Sora, meeting my Nobody, and running from red-headed morons in black cloaks, I can’t remember my life before Destiny Islands. It frustrates me sometimes, but I suppose it doesn’t really matter because Destiny Islands is all I’ve ever known, and Destiny Islands is my home. I suppose that’s why I was so reluctant to leave.
We moved into the mayor’s house-a cousin of my mother who insisted that I call him Uncle Kenji. I had just unpacked the last of the boxes and went downstairs to the kitchen for a drink of water. Destiny Islands was warmer than wherever I’d live before and I was still adjusting to the heat. A red construction paper fan went everywhere with me, and I carried both it and my drink outside to the front porch.
The new house had a porch swing. I loved to sit on it (I’d always wanted one) and let my feet dangle as it rocked me back and forth. My water glass sat on a wicker table by the swing as usual. I kicked my feet and fanned my face. I still remember what I was wearing (odd, considering my lack of memory)-a pleated grey skirt and a little pink t-shirt with yellow stars. My thoughts were racing. I thought a lot about what school would be like and wondered if there were any other girls in the neighborhood to play with. Uncle Kenji had something about a girl named Selphie who ran around with a jump rope. Maybe I could go talk to her.
I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t even notice two boys approaching the house until they were standing on the porch. I had never been friends with boys before, hadn’t really talked to many boys at all. I sat up and surveyed them, squirming. One boy was shorter than the other with funny, brown spiky hair. He bounced as he walked, his eyes sparkled, and I giggled noticing how big his feet were. The other boy’s eyes were an intense shade of aquamarine. He had silver hair (I’d never seen a boy or a girl with silver hair before). He seemed very calm-not the bouncing type at all. The rambunctious brunette asked me my name and if I wanted to go out to the play island. Just like that. The silver-haired one still didn’t speak, but the brunette seemed so excited I asked my mom if I could go, and that was how I met Riku and Sora.
I liked Sora instantly, but it took a lot longer for Riku. I didn’t understand his quiet nature or his take-charge attitude. He seemed a little bossy to me at first, but Sora didn’t say anything about it, so I tried not to, either. He seemed a little rude to me, but Sora seemed to think it was funny, so I laughed, too. It was only a year later until I understood the mean things Riku said were just jokes, and they actually became funny. I finally understood why he took the role of a leader when Sora’s many attempts fell short of coming close to realization. You know, like that time he wanted to play hide and seek, fell asleep in his hiding spot, and his mother had to come out to the play island crying while we searched for two and half hours before he woke up. The scolding Riku gave him was well-deserved.
Once I understood Riku more, he became fun. Riku always had great ideas on what to do, and he always had new, interesting ways to explore the play island. I liked to watch him teach Sora how to spar, and we always had a lot of fun racing our boats. When I was nine, I developed my first crush on Riku, and though it was short-lived, those six months felt like forever in my little girl world. I made seashell necklaces on the beach while he and Sora raced, watching the way the sun shined off his hair. He was so full of life with a smile that made me weak in the knees and a laugh that made butterflies form in my stomach. In my little girl world, I thought I was in love.
By the time I turned ten that crush faded away. Riku changed. He laughed less and brooded more. Adventures around the play island failed to satisfy his curiosity. Tidus and Riku started to hang out more often, and our little trio became a sextet, because with Tidus came Wakka and Selphie. It was nice to have another girl around, but without Riku (Riku who was our fearless leader and the great protector to me), I grew closer to Sora.
Things continued the same way for the next three years. Riku grew more restless, sure, but nothing changed among friends. Tidus, Wakka, Sora, Riku, and even Selphie sparred a lot. I liked to watch them play, because at least when they sparred, something lit up in Riku’s eyes. For three long years I watched the happiness fade away to cynicism. He started to sit on the bent-over paopu a lot, as he stared out at the water. He wouldn’t ever tell anyone what was wrong, and it became normal. It became something that was just very Riku, only it wasn’t like Riku at all. Riku had ideas. Riku smiled. Riku was constantly up to no good, and it drove me crazy. I just couldn’t understand why no one else noticed.
I was still a little girl then, but I knew enough about the world around me to know that Riku was depressed. He wasn’t depressed in a suicidal kind of way, but in a stifled way as if he were trapped in a prison he just couldn’t shake. Riku said it was the Islands-that there was nothing fun to do anymore, but I knew there had to be more. I noticed the way the melancholy set in when Sora and I started our awkward, adolescent flirtation. I saw the possessive jealous glances and words that formed a rivalry between best friends. They argued a lot more, disagreed constantly, and were always fighting in a playful manner, but it wasn’t playful. Sora was naive to it, content to just have fun, but I also noticed the competitive streak in Riku’s approach. He wasn’t just playing, and he knew it. Riku had changed.
I tried to talk to my mom about it when I was thirteen, but she just shook her head. She said teenage boys could be funny like that, and Riku was just dealing with hormones. She said I wasn’t supposed to worry. I tried to believe what she said, but it was hard. Sora hadn’t changed so drastically. Tidus was as loud and obnoxious as ever. Riku . . . Riku was melancholy.
I thought that would be the worst of it all until Riku went to the high school. Being a year younger, Sora and I said goodbye as Riku went off and we got left behind. At first, everything was the same as it had been for the last three years, but then Riku started to drift away. He wouldn’t have the time to play, or he’d say he was too old for that ‘kid stuff.’ He cancelled plans to hang out with older boys from the high school. His sister, Ayumi, came to us mid-way through the school year concerned because Riku was drinking, and she wanted to know if we knew anything about it. Three weeks later I found Riku in the secret place smoking.
Saturday nights were always a big deal on Destiny Islands for the fourteen and older crowd. From about nine o’clock to midnight there was a big beach party on the play island with music, surfing, and lots of great food. I was so excited when Sora asked me if I wanted to go with him the first week school let out. It was almost like a date. I thought that maybe he liked me the way I liked him, too.
Selphie came over early in the afternoon to help me pick out my outfit and help me with my hair. I talked about Sora, she talked about Tidus, and we giggled over the paopu fruit legend. I wondered if I’d get my first kiss that night.
I didn’t get my first kiss. The night was, at best, just like any other event. Ayumi Asaki was there with a few of her friends, singing along to music and dancing in the sand. Sora and I played volleyball with Selphie, Tidus, and few other kids from our class. When our game was finished, Selphie and I went to grab smoothies, and as we walked past the dock, the sound of shouts caught our ears. Curiosity got the better of us.
We found Ayumi and Riku just below the ladder to the tree house. From the way Ayumi was screaming at him, I deduced that he was drunk. Really drunk.
“You can’t keep doing this to yourself,” said Ayumi.
”I like what I’m doing,” said Riku.
“I don’t believe you. You’re just trying to forget, and you can’t. You can’t change anything, and even if you could, drinking isn’t going to help.”
“Would you lower your voice?”
“No, I won’t. If you’re going to act like this, I’m not going to protect you.”
Riku stared at his sister for several seconds. His face hardened.
“If I’m acting like this for the reasons you think I am, don’t you think that maybe I need the protection more than you’re giving it credit for?”
The anger in Ayumi’s face instantly drained. He looked away. I glanced to Selphie, who shrugged.
“It’s not the end of the world,” said Ayumi, softer. She reached out and pulled Riku into her arms, smoothing his hair. “Everything’s going to be okay. It’s just a few more years, okay? And you won’t be alone at school next year, right? That’s an improvement. Sora will be there.”
Riku sniffed.
“Sure, but so will Kairi.”
Selphie’s eyes widened.
“I know, honey,” said Ayumi, “but Kairi and Sora are your friends. You can’t keep shutting them out.”
“Why not? They have each other now.”
I knew he wasn’t as close to us anymore, but I had never thought it was because of me. I thought we were friends. I thought he liked me. Everything I thought I knew about my relationship with Riku came crashing down on my heart. Until Ayumi spoke again, anyway . . .
“Come on, Riks. It’s not like Sora’s the only boy out there. Just because he likes girls doesn’t mean he’s not your friend.”
“I don’t want to end up alone.”
Ayumi rubbed the back of his head.
“You won’t, honey. I promise. You’re fifteen. You’ve got plenty of time to find the love of your life. I’m sure there are lots of guys out there that would just be dying to date you. Okay?”
Riku pulled back and nodded.
“Yeah. Okay.” He paused. “I don’t feel good.”
“Shouldn’t have been drinking. Let’s get you home and into bed. Let me tell my friends I’m getting out of here.”
Riku nodded. Selphie and I ducked out of view and sat still as Ayumi passed. We waited until Riku and Ayumi’s boat was far out of sight before we dared to move again.
“We can’t tell anyone about what we just overheard,” I said.
Selphie nodded.
“Got it.”
I sighed and let my body relax.
“Riku’s . . .”
“Gay . . .” said Selphie.
I nodded.
It was, really, as if everything over the last four years had more answers now than any other explanation could provide. Riku was gay. Riku was jealous over our closeness not because he liked me as Sora suspected, but because he liked Sora. He hadn’t told us because, clearly, he didn’t want anyone to know. He feared Sora and I running off together to leave him alone. The Islands were too small for him because there was a lot of homophobia, everyone knew everyone, and he just couldn’t see any prospect for falling in love here. He was a teenage boy. Falling in love becomes a priority the more established of a teenager you become.
The melancholy, the sadness, all the brooding-Riku felt alone. Even when he was with us, he felt alone because he could never have what he wanted. No matter how many times he and Sora sparred, he could never win. Riku was trapped. He was trapped by the Islands and the poor outlook on his romantic future where all his friends would go off, get married, and he’d be the gay one, looked down upon, spit on, and alone.
I almost wished it was just that he hated me.
That night at the beach party with Ayumi must have gotten Riku thinking. By the end of the following week, Riku was back on the play island with us as if he’d never gone away. Selphie and I never said a thing about what we overheard, and the usual dynamics returned. Riku sat on the tree and brooded. Occasionally he’d spar with Tidus or Sora. Sometimes he took on Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie all at once.
Riku was preoccupied a lot. He said he wanted adventure. He wanted to know what else was out there in the world beyond our little Islands. I had to tell him about a thousand times that I didn’t remember where I came from, but he was obsessed with the subject. I wasn’t from Destiny Islands. That meant there was something bigger beyond us-other worlds that he hadn’t explored yet, and places where no one knew him or where he came from.
Sora became more enthralled and excited the more Riku talked. The boys always were the first to jump at a new adventure while I was content to sit back, watch, and hear the story later. I wasn’t getting out of it this time, though. It didn’t matter how many times I told Sora and Riku that the raft might not work; the boys had decided. The three of us were going on an adventure. We were going to leave Destiny Islands and find the world I came from. I didn’t get a say in the matter.
The night before we were set to leave, Sora and I sat on the dock staring out at the water. He was so excited about leaving and getting to see new worlds. I expressed my reluctance to leave, but I didn’t want to be left behind, either. I worried if leaving was the best thing for Riku, or if he should just confront his fears. My mom always said that running away was never the answer, and it seemed to me that it was exactly what Riku tried to do. He wanted to run.
That was the night of the storm. After it happened, I don’t have much of a memory other than what Sora told me. I hid my heart within him to protect it, I think. I was a princess of heart, whatever that meant. Sora and Riku searched relentlessly for me, but Sora was the good guy, and somewhere along the way, Riku became the bad guy. Riku was the one who took care of me, who tried to get my heart back, but it backfired, Riku got possessed by some guy’s Heartless, and I ended up in the hands of the very people Sora tried to save me from.
I woke up in a castle in Hollow Bastion after Sora released the princesses’ hearts. It was the last time I saw Riku for a long time. He’d already fallen to the darkness, already taken over by Xehanort’s Heartless, but he broke free just long enough to hold him back. He told me to run. I didn’t want to leave him there like that. He looked so scared, so broken. I had no idea what was going on, just that Riku had somehow found himself in a very bad situation, and it was taking everything in him to give me enough time to escape. I did everything not to let him down.
After that horrible situation (Sora turning into a Heartless and Riku’s downfall), I lived in Traverse Town for a little while with friends of Sora’s. He still had a lot of work to do to help save the worlds, so I gave him my good luck charm and waited. Leon, Aerith, Yuffie, and Cid were very nice, and very helpful in filling in the holes. I learned all about the Keyblade. All about the rivalry that formed between Riku and Sora. My heart broke the longer I waited, and then it was all over. I was home on Destiny Islands; Sora and Riku never returned.
Sora faded from my memory until I could hardly think of him at all. I couldn’t recall his face; I couldn’t remember his voice. All I knew was that he was far away, and I loved him very much. Riku was still there, also far away and fighting the darkness in him. My memory of Sora eventually returned, and my hopes grew. When that crazy red-headed guy (Axel, he said, and yes, I have it memorized) showed up, I tried to run. I had to look for Sora and Riku. They never came home, and Sora promised he would. I didn’t know how I could help or if I even could, but I knew I had to try.
When I ended up locked away in the World That Never Was, I fell into a depression. Organization XIII wasn’t the kindest group; Axel was the nice one and he kidnapped me. They scared me a little, and what made it worse was that Saix said he was keeping me there because of Sora. Sora was in danger, and it was my fault. Then I met Naminé. I didn’t know she was my Nobody at the time, but I felt I knew her. I felt she was someone I could trust.
Naminé broke me out. She took my hand, and when it happened, a bright, white light filled my vision. When it cleared, she led me through Organization XIII’s stronghold, and just when I thought we were going to escape, Saix appeared before us. He told me that leaving wasn’t an option. He said he’d take me to Sora, but I pulled away. I told him that I wanted to see Sora more than anything, but not so long as he was around. I readied myself to fight him, aware that it was probably very stupid of me, but Naminé nodded, and she, too, steeled herself to fight.
I believe Saix’s reaction went along the lines of “If I had a heart, this would be where I die of laughter.”
That was when the cling echoed off the walls and one of the Berserker Nobodies fell, attacked from behind by someone we hadn’t even known was there.
“You . . .” said Saix. “Didn’t Roxas take care of you?”
The newcomer was dressed in a black robe like all the other Organization members, so I didn’t drop my guard, but Naminé straightened up. She smiled, even.
“You can take it from here, Riku,” she said.
My eyes widened. I blinked, dropping my guard immediately. I looked to Naminé, and then to the cloaked man.
“Riku?” I said.
He and Saix fought, but Saix disappeared into one of those portals of darkness I’d seen the Organization members use. The man hesitated, but then moved to follow. My trance broke, and I ran forward.
“Wait!” I said. When he paused again, I knew it was him. Pluto ran up to him, and he stepped away from the portal. I came closer and reached for the hood shadowing his face. “Riku . . . you’re really here?”
When I pulled the hood back, it wasn’t Riku face I saw. He looked away, ashamed, and though I didn’t understand, I only had to look into the eyes that weren’t his to see him inside it-still sad, still melancholy, and for the first time ever, I saw shame. I stepped back at first in shock, but then he spoke.
“I’m sorry, Kairi.”
It was all it took to break me. I threw myself forward, and wrapped him in a hug. I cried. I told him how much I missed him. I yelled at him for leaving the way he did. He couldn’t meet my eyes, so I just held on and closed mine. When I did, Riku became clear in my mind’s eye, and my embrace tightened. He just stood there, letting me hug him but not daring to move, and then there was another voice-Sora’s voice.
“He’s here?” I said. Riku nodded.
I ran toward the balcony and looked down below. I saw Sora with his traveling companions. Ecstatic, I called out to him, but the Heartless attacked, and I didn’t even think twice before running and jumping off the ledge to him. The Heartless swarmed, and the next thing I knew Riku pulled me to my feet and handed me a Keyblade of my own.
“Take it,” he said.
I nodded.
“This time . . . I’ll fight. You know Sora’s completely hopeless without us! C’mon, Riku.”
I was off and running, striking down Heartless that crossed my path. Riku was right behind me. We fought together, and though I think I shouldn’t have felt it, I was thrilled. I was right there with Riku, fighting beside him. I’d just seen Sora, and though it wasn’t the best situation, my mind was appeased just knowing he was alive. He could handle himself, and Riku and I could help him. It was only right. When the Heartless cleared, I tried to catch my breath, and then I heard Donald tell me that I did great, and I turned. Sora was there.
Sora said he was glad I was there. I told him that since he never came home, I came looking for him. I hugged him, and our exchange must have gotten to Riku. He was still so broken, lost in the darkness, wearing a form that wasn’t even his own, and here I was, hugging Sora, the boy that bothered Riku so deeply at the beginning. My memory caught up to me when I heard the portal of darkness, and I turned to say something, but Sora beat me to it.
“Wait, Ansem! I mean, Xehanort’s Heartless . . . I never thought for a second that I’d ever see you again.”
Sora went on a tirade at the end of which he thanked Riku for saving me. I almost laughed, watching Sora make such a fool out of himself. I waited for the joke, for Riku to deliver the punch line to Sora’s outburst, but he didn’t make a joke. He didn’t reveal himself. He didn’t say anything at all, just walked away. I ran after him, grabbed his arm, and yanked him back.
Sora broke down upon learning what happened to Riku. The shame was so strong, but Sora convinced him to fight with us. Riku did change back, and we did all return to Destiny Islands, but the sadness was still there. The escape, the adventure-it had all done nothing to break Riku from his depression. He told his family about the Heartless. We told Selphie, Wakka, and Tidus together. Two weeks after we returned, Riku sat Sora and I down. He finally told us he was gay.
Sora was amazed. I, of course, already knew, and since we were coming clean about secrets, I told him what I’d overheard that night at the beach party. I saw his surprise, but then he laughed a little, and the depression deepened. There was something else he had to tell us. Something he’d been lying to Sora about, or at least having someone else lie to Sora about, because he had a boyfriend. A twenty-four year old boyfriend that Sora already knew-Cloud Strife.
Riku said that Cloud helped him get through everything-Xehanort’s Heartless included. Supported him when he needed it the most, but he’d told us so many times that he didn’t want to be found it wasn’t a surprise to Sora that Riku had asked Cloud to lie for him. Riku was home, had beaten the darkness, and that was what mattered. I saw a little of the sadness fade away from his eyes.
I thought that even though he had Cloud, maybe Riku was still in love with Sora. Maybe he was melancholy now because of the darkness. He was ashamed of what he’d done with Maleficent and how he’d succumbed to Xehanort’s Heartless, which was, apparently, even worse than succumbing to just some evil guy. I almost laughed when Cloud first arrived on Destiny Islands and I saw Riku with him, because it was so much simpler than all that.
He was ten years old again, back in the days when I still thought I loved him. Cloud stepped off that Gummi ship and Riku was off, in Cloud’s arms before the blond even registered what had hit him. He gave Cloud the grand tour of the play island; Sora and I tagged along, laughing every time he brightened at a new thought. It was as if he’d never seen the Islands before, either, with the way he ran from place to place. When he dragged Cloud to the bent-over paopu, he even told Cloud that it was ‘his brooding spot.’
You may as well have just told him there was a brand new cave to explore with the way he smiled when Cloud kissed him.
Like Riku, I didn’t understand Cloud at first. He seemed moody to me. He seemed a little distant, but I knew he made Riku happy. As time passed and I got to know him better, Cloud became an integrated part of the group. When Sora and I finally did go on real dates (and after all that drama with the Heartless, I finally got my first kiss), we sometimes doubled with Cloud and Riku.
Sometimes the shame would come back. I’d see Riku out on his tree, brooding, but then Cloud would come up behind him. They’d sit together on the paopu, or Cloud would wrap his arms around Riku’s shoulder, and I’d see a little of that depression disappear. The melancholy never went away completely, but he was still happy. He still laughed a lot, and I’m certain that one day it will all be behind him. Until then, he has Cloud to make him smile. I’m grateful for that, because as long as Cloud’s around, he’s still the Riku I once loved.
Chapter Three
Chapter Two
Chapter One
[PAIRING] Cloud Strife/Riku
[RATING] R
[DISCLAIMER] I wish, okay? It’s all lies. I don’t own Kingdom Hearts, I don’t know anyone who owns Kingdom Hearts, and I am not affiliated with anyone who is affiliated with anyone who owns Kingdom Hearts. I think that about covers it.
Chapter Four: Kairi
I was eight years old when I moved to Destiny Islands. The first seven years of my life were spent on another world, I suppose, but I can’t remember it even now. Even after learning about the Heartless, hiding my heart within Sora, meeting my Nobody, and running from red-headed morons in black cloaks, I can’t remember my life before Destiny Islands. It frustrates me sometimes, but I suppose it doesn’t really matter because Destiny Islands is all I’ve ever known, and Destiny Islands is my home. I suppose that’s why I was so reluctant to leave.
We moved into the mayor’s house-a cousin of my mother who insisted that I call him Uncle Kenji. I had just unpacked the last of the boxes and went downstairs to the kitchen for a drink of water. Destiny Islands was warmer than wherever I’d live before and I was still adjusting to the heat. A red construction paper fan went everywhere with me, and I carried both it and my drink outside to the front porch.
The new house had a porch swing. I loved to sit on it (I’d always wanted one) and let my feet dangle as it rocked me back and forth. My water glass sat on a wicker table by the swing as usual. I kicked my feet and fanned my face. I still remember what I was wearing (odd, considering my lack of memory)-a pleated grey skirt and a little pink t-shirt with yellow stars. My thoughts were racing. I thought a lot about what school would be like and wondered if there were any other girls in the neighborhood to play with. Uncle Kenji had something about a girl named Selphie who ran around with a jump rope. Maybe I could go talk to her.
I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t even notice two boys approaching the house until they were standing on the porch. I had never been friends with boys before, hadn’t really talked to many boys at all. I sat up and surveyed them, squirming. One boy was shorter than the other with funny, brown spiky hair. He bounced as he walked, his eyes sparkled, and I giggled noticing how big his feet were. The other boy’s eyes were an intense shade of aquamarine. He had silver hair (I’d never seen a boy or a girl with silver hair before). He seemed very calm-not the bouncing type at all. The rambunctious brunette asked me my name and if I wanted to go out to the play island. Just like that. The silver-haired one still didn’t speak, but the brunette seemed so excited I asked my mom if I could go, and that was how I met Riku and Sora.
I liked Sora instantly, but it took a lot longer for Riku. I didn’t understand his quiet nature or his take-charge attitude. He seemed a little bossy to me at first, but Sora didn’t say anything about it, so I tried not to, either. He seemed a little rude to me, but Sora seemed to think it was funny, so I laughed, too. It was only a year later until I understood the mean things Riku said were just jokes, and they actually became funny. I finally understood why he took the role of a leader when Sora’s many attempts fell short of coming close to realization. You know, like that time he wanted to play hide and seek, fell asleep in his hiding spot, and his mother had to come out to the play island crying while we searched for two and half hours before he woke up. The scolding Riku gave him was well-deserved.
Once I understood Riku more, he became fun. Riku always had great ideas on what to do, and he always had new, interesting ways to explore the play island. I liked to watch him teach Sora how to spar, and we always had a lot of fun racing our boats. When I was nine, I developed my first crush on Riku, and though it was short-lived, those six months felt like forever in my little girl world. I made seashell necklaces on the beach while he and Sora raced, watching the way the sun shined off his hair. He was so full of life with a smile that made me weak in the knees and a laugh that made butterflies form in my stomach. In my little girl world, I thought I was in love.
By the time I turned ten that crush faded away. Riku changed. He laughed less and brooded more. Adventures around the play island failed to satisfy his curiosity. Tidus and Riku started to hang out more often, and our little trio became a sextet, because with Tidus came Wakka and Selphie. It was nice to have another girl around, but without Riku (Riku who was our fearless leader and the great protector to me), I grew closer to Sora.
Things continued the same way for the next three years. Riku grew more restless, sure, but nothing changed among friends. Tidus, Wakka, Sora, Riku, and even Selphie sparred a lot. I liked to watch them play, because at least when they sparred, something lit up in Riku’s eyes. For three long years I watched the happiness fade away to cynicism. He started to sit on the bent-over paopu a lot, as he stared out at the water. He wouldn’t ever tell anyone what was wrong, and it became normal. It became something that was just very Riku, only it wasn’t like Riku at all. Riku had ideas. Riku smiled. Riku was constantly up to no good, and it drove me crazy. I just couldn’t understand why no one else noticed.
I was still a little girl then, but I knew enough about the world around me to know that Riku was depressed. He wasn’t depressed in a suicidal kind of way, but in a stifled way as if he were trapped in a prison he just couldn’t shake. Riku said it was the Islands-that there was nothing fun to do anymore, but I knew there had to be more. I noticed the way the melancholy set in when Sora and I started our awkward, adolescent flirtation. I saw the possessive jealous glances and words that formed a rivalry between best friends. They argued a lot more, disagreed constantly, and were always fighting in a playful manner, but it wasn’t playful. Sora was naive to it, content to just have fun, but I also noticed the competitive streak in Riku’s approach. He wasn’t just playing, and he knew it. Riku had changed.
I tried to talk to my mom about it when I was thirteen, but she just shook her head. She said teenage boys could be funny like that, and Riku was just dealing with hormones. She said I wasn’t supposed to worry. I tried to believe what she said, but it was hard. Sora hadn’t changed so drastically. Tidus was as loud and obnoxious as ever. Riku . . . Riku was melancholy.
I thought that would be the worst of it all until Riku went to the high school. Being a year younger, Sora and I said goodbye as Riku went off and we got left behind. At first, everything was the same as it had been for the last three years, but then Riku started to drift away. He wouldn’t have the time to play, or he’d say he was too old for that ‘kid stuff.’ He cancelled plans to hang out with older boys from the high school. His sister, Ayumi, came to us mid-way through the school year concerned because Riku was drinking, and she wanted to know if we knew anything about it. Three weeks later I found Riku in the secret place smoking.
Saturday nights were always a big deal on Destiny Islands for the fourteen and older crowd. From about nine o’clock to midnight there was a big beach party on the play island with music, surfing, and lots of great food. I was so excited when Sora asked me if I wanted to go with him the first week school let out. It was almost like a date. I thought that maybe he liked me the way I liked him, too.
Selphie came over early in the afternoon to help me pick out my outfit and help me with my hair. I talked about Sora, she talked about Tidus, and we giggled over the paopu fruit legend. I wondered if I’d get my first kiss that night.
I didn’t get my first kiss. The night was, at best, just like any other event. Ayumi Asaki was there with a few of her friends, singing along to music and dancing in the sand. Sora and I played volleyball with Selphie, Tidus, and few other kids from our class. When our game was finished, Selphie and I went to grab smoothies, and as we walked past the dock, the sound of shouts caught our ears. Curiosity got the better of us.
We found Ayumi and Riku just below the ladder to the tree house. From the way Ayumi was screaming at him, I deduced that he was drunk. Really drunk.
“You can’t keep doing this to yourself,” said Ayumi.
”I like what I’m doing,” said Riku.
“I don’t believe you. You’re just trying to forget, and you can’t. You can’t change anything, and even if you could, drinking isn’t going to help.”
“Would you lower your voice?”
“No, I won’t. If you’re going to act like this, I’m not going to protect you.”
Riku stared at his sister for several seconds. His face hardened.
“If I’m acting like this for the reasons you think I am, don’t you think that maybe I need the protection more than you’re giving it credit for?”
The anger in Ayumi’s face instantly drained. He looked away. I glanced to Selphie, who shrugged.
“It’s not the end of the world,” said Ayumi, softer. She reached out and pulled Riku into her arms, smoothing his hair. “Everything’s going to be okay. It’s just a few more years, okay? And you won’t be alone at school next year, right? That’s an improvement. Sora will be there.”
Riku sniffed.
“Sure, but so will Kairi.”
Selphie’s eyes widened.
“I know, honey,” said Ayumi, “but Kairi and Sora are your friends. You can’t keep shutting them out.”
“Why not? They have each other now.”
I knew he wasn’t as close to us anymore, but I had never thought it was because of me. I thought we were friends. I thought he liked me. Everything I thought I knew about my relationship with Riku came crashing down on my heart. Until Ayumi spoke again, anyway . . .
“Come on, Riks. It’s not like Sora’s the only boy out there. Just because he likes girls doesn’t mean he’s not your friend.”
“I don’t want to end up alone.”
Ayumi rubbed the back of his head.
“You won’t, honey. I promise. You’re fifteen. You’ve got plenty of time to find the love of your life. I’m sure there are lots of guys out there that would just be dying to date you. Okay?”
Riku pulled back and nodded.
“Yeah. Okay.” He paused. “I don’t feel good.”
“Shouldn’t have been drinking. Let’s get you home and into bed. Let me tell my friends I’m getting out of here.”
Riku nodded. Selphie and I ducked out of view and sat still as Ayumi passed. We waited until Riku and Ayumi’s boat was far out of sight before we dared to move again.
“We can’t tell anyone about what we just overheard,” I said.
Selphie nodded.
“Got it.”
I sighed and let my body relax.
“Riku’s . . .”
“Gay . . .” said Selphie.
I nodded.
It was, really, as if everything over the last four years had more answers now than any other explanation could provide. Riku was gay. Riku was jealous over our closeness not because he liked me as Sora suspected, but because he liked Sora. He hadn’t told us because, clearly, he didn’t want anyone to know. He feared Sora and I running off together to leave him alone. The Islands were too small for him because there was a lot of homophobia, everyone knew everyone, and he just couldn’t see any prospect for falling in love here. He was a teenage boy. Falling in love becomes a priority the more established of a teenager you become.
The melancholy, the sadness, all the brooding-Riku felt alone. Even when he was with us, he felt alone because he could never have what he wanted. No matter how many times he and Sora sparred, he could never win. Riku was trapped. He was trapped by the Islands and the poor outlook on his romantic future where all his friends would go off, get married, and he’d be the gay one, looked down upon, spit on, and alone.
I almost wished it was just that he hated me.
That night at the beach party with Ayumi must have gotten Riku thinking. By the end of the following week, Riku was back on the play island with us as if he’d never gone away. Selphie and I never said a thing about what we overheard, and the usual dynamics returned. Riku sat on the tree and brooded. Occasionally he’d spar with Tidus or Sora. Sometimes he took on Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie all at once.
Riku was preoccupied a lot. He said he wanted adventure. He wanted to know what else was out there in the world beyond our little Islands. I had to tell him about a thousand times that I didn’t remember where I came from, but he was obsessed with the subject. I wasn’t from Destiny Islands. That meant there was something bigger beyond us-other worlds that he hadn’t explored yet, and places where no one knew him or where he came from.
Sora became more enthralled and excited the more Riku talked. The boys always were the first to jump at a new adventure while I was content to sit back, watch, and hear the story later. I wasn’t getting out of it this time, though. It didn’t matter how many times I told Sora and Riku that the raft might not work; the boys had decided. The three of us were going on an adventure. We were going to leave Destiny Islands and find the world I came from. I didn’t get a say in the matter.
The night before we were set to leave, Sora and I sat on the dock staring out at the water. He was so excited about leaving and getting to see new worlds. I expressed my reluctance to leave, but I didn’t want to be left behind, either. I worried if leaving was the best thing for Riku, or if he should just confront his fears. My mom always said that running away was never the answer, and it seemed to me that it was exactly what Riku tried to do. He wanted to run.
That was the night of the storm. After it happened, I don’t have much of a memory other than what Sora told me. I hid my heart within him to protect it, I think. I was a princess of heart, whatever that meant. Sora and Riku searched relentlessly for me, but Sora was the good guy, and somewhere along the way, Riku became the bad guy. Riku was the one who took care of me, who tried to get my heart back, but it backfired, Riku got possessed by some guy’s Heartless, and I ended up in the hands of the very people Sora tried to save me from.
I woke up in a castle in Hollow Bastion after Sora released the princesses’ hearts. It was the last time I saw Riku for a long time. He’d already fallen to the darkness, already taken over by Xehanort’s Heartless, but he broke free just long enough to hold him back. He told me to run. I didn’t want to leave him there like that. He looked so scared, so broken. I had no idea what was going on, just that Riku had somehow found himself in a very bad situation, and it was taking everything in him to give me enough time to escape. I did everything not to let him down.
After that horrible situation (Sora turning into a Heartless and Riku’s downfall), I lived in Traverse Town for a little while with friends of Sora’s. He still had a lot of work to do to help save the worlds, so I gave him my good luck charm and waited. Leon, Aerith, Yuffie, and Cid were very nice, and very helpful in filling in the holes. I learned all about the Keyblade. All about the rivalry that formed between Riku and Sora. My heart broke the longer I waited, and then it was all over. I was home on Destiny Islands; Sora and Riku never returned.
Sora faded from my memory until I could hardly think of him at all. I couldn’t recall his face; I couldn’t remember his voice. All I knew was that he was far away, and I loved him very much. Riku was still there, also far away and fighting the darkness in him. My memory of Sora eventually returned, and my hopes grew. When that crazy red-headed guy (Axel, he said, and yes, I have it memorized) showed up, I tried to run. I had to look for Sora and Riku. They never came home, and Sora promised he would. I didn’t know how I could help or if I even could, but I knew I had to try.
When I ended up locked away in the World That Never Was, I fell into a depression. Organization XIII wasn’t the kindest group; Axel was the nice one and he kidnapped me. They scared me a little, and what made it worse was that Saix said he was keeping me there because of Sora. Sora was in danger, and it was my fault. Then I met Naminé. I didn’t know she was my Nobody at the time, but I felt I knew her. I felt she was someone I could trust.
Naminé broke me out. She took my hand, and when it happened, a bright, white light filled my vision. When it cleared, she led me through Organization XIII’s stronghold, and just when I thought we were going to escape, Saix appeared before us. He told me that leaving wasn’t an option. He said he’d take me to Sora, but I pulled away. I told him that I wanted to see Sora more than anything, but not so long as he was around. I readied myself to fight him, aware that it was probably very stupid of me, but Naminé nodded, and she, too, steeled herself to fight.
I believe Saix’s reaction went along the lines of “If I had a heart, this would be where I die of laughter.”
That was when the cling echoed off the walls and one of the Berserker Nobodies fell, attacked from behind by someone we hadn’t even known was there.
“You . . .” said Saix. “Didn’t Roxas take care of you?”
The newcomer was dressed in a black robe like all the other Organization members, so I didn’t drop my guard, but Naminé straightened up. She smiled, even.
“You can take it from here, Riku,” she said.
My eyes widened. I blinked, dropping my guard immediately. I looked to Naminé, and then to the cloaked man.
“Riku?” I said.
He and Saix fought, but Saix disappeared into one of those portals of darkness I’d seen the Organization members use. The man hesitated, but then moved to follow. My trance broke, and I ran forward.
“Wait!” I said. When he paused again, I knew it was him. Pluto ran up to him, and he stepped away from the portal. I came closer and reached for the hood shadowing his face. “Riku . . . you’re really here?”
When I pulled the hood back, it wasn’t Riku face I saw. He looked away, ashamed, and though I didn’t understand, I only had to look into the eyes that weren’t his to see him inside it-still sad, still melancholy, and for the first time ever, I saw shame. I stepped back at first in shock, but then he spoke.
“I’m sorry, Kairi.”
It was all it took to break me. I threw myself forward, and wrapped him in a hug. I cried. I told him how much I missed him. I yelled at him for leaving the way he did. He couldn’t meet my eyes, so I just held on and closed mine. When I did, Riku became clear in my mind’s eye, and my embrace tightened. He just stood there, letting me hug him but not daring to move, and then there was another voice-Sora’s voice.
“He’s here?” I said. Riku nodded.
I ran toward the balcony and looked down below. I saw Sora with his traveling companions. Ecstatic, I called out to him, but the Heartless attacked, and I didn’t even think twice before running and jumping off the ledge to him. The Heartless swarmed, and the next thing I knew Riku pulled me to my feet and handed me a Keyblade of my own.
“Take it,” he said.
I nodded.
“This time . . . I’ll fight. You know Sora’s completely hopeless without us! C’mon, Riku.”
I was off and running, striking down Heartless that crossed my path. Riku was right behind me. We fought together, and though I think I shouldn’t have felt it, I was thrilled. I was right there with Riku, fighting beside him. I’d just seen Sora, and though it wasn’t the best situation, my mind was appeased just knowing he was alive. He could handle himself, and Riku and I could help him. It was only right. When the Heartless cleared, I tried to catch my breath, and then I heard Donald tell me that I did great, and I turned. Sora was there.
Sora said he was glad I was there. I told him that since he never came home, I came looking for him. I hugged him, and our exchange must have gotten to Riku. He was still so broken, lost in the darkness, wearing a form that wasn’t even his own, and here I was, hugging Sora, the boy that bothered Riku so deeply at the beginning. My memory caught up to me when I heard the portal of darkness, and I turned to say something, but Sora beat me to it.
“Wait, Ansem! I mean, Xehanort’s Heartless . . . I never thought for a second that I’d ever see you again.”
Sora went on a tirade at the end of which he thanked Riku for saving me. I almost laughed, watching Sora make such a fool out of himself. I waited for the joke, for Riku to deliver the punch line to Sora’s outburst, but he didn’t make a joke. He didn’t reveal himself. He didn’t say anything at all, just walked away. I ran after him, grabbed his arm, and yanked him back.
Sora broke down upon learning what happened to Riku. The shame was so strong, but Sora convinced him to fight with us. Riku did change back, and we did all return to Destiny Islands, but the sadness was still there. The escape, the adventure-it had all done nothing to break Riku from his depression. He told his family about the Heartless. We told Selphie, Wakka, and Tidus together. Two weeks after we returned, Riku sat Sora and I down. He finally told us he was gay.
Sora was amazed. I, of course, already knew, and since we were coming clean about secrets, I told him what I’d overheard that night at the beach party. I saw his surprise, but then he laughed a little, and the depression deepened. There was something else he had to tell us. Something he’d been lying to Sora about, or at least having someone else lie to Sora about, because he had a boyfriend. A twenty-four year old boyfriend that Sora already knew-Cloud Strife.
Riku said that Cloud helped him get through everything-Xehanort’s Heartless included. Supported him when he needed it the most, but he’d told us so many times that he didn’t want to be found it wasn’t a surprise to Sora that Riku had asked Cloud to lie for him. Riku was home, had beaten the darkness, and that was what mattered. I saw a little of the sadness fade away from his eyes.
I thought that even though he had Cloud, maybe Riku was still in love with Sora. Maybe he was melancholy now because of the darkness. He was ashamed of what he’d done with Maleficent and how he’d succumbed to Xehanort’s Heartless, which was, apparently, even worse than succumbing to just some evil guy. I almost laughed when Cloud first arrived on Destiny Islands and I saw Riku with him, because it was so much simpler than all that.
He was ten years old again, back in the days when I still thought I loved him. Cloud stepped off that Gummi ship and Riku was off, in Cloud’s arms before the blond even registered what had hit him. He gave Cloud the grand tour of the play island; Sora and I tagged along, laughing every time he brightened at a new thought. It was as if he’d never seen the Islands before, either, with the way he ran from place to place. When he dragged Cloud to the bent-over paopu, he even told Cloud that it was ‘his brooding spot.’
You may as well have just told him there was a brand new cave to explore with the way he smiled when Cloud kissed him.
Like Riku, I didn’t understand Cloud at first. He seemed moody to me. He seemed a little distant, but I knew he made Riku happy. As time passed and I got to know him better, Cloud became an integrated part of the group. When Sora and I finally did go on real dates (and after all that drama with the Heartless, I finally got my first kiss), we sometimes doubled with Cloud and Riku.
Sometimes the shame would come back. I’d see Riku out on his tree, brooding, but then Cloud would come up behind him. They’d sit together on the paopu, or Cloud would wrap his arms around Riku’s shoulder, and I’d see a little of that depression disappear. The melancholy never went away completely, but he was still happy. He still laughed a lot, and I’m certain that one day it will all be behind him. Until then, he has Cloud to make him smile. I’m grateful for that, because as long as Cloud’s around, he’s still the Riku I once loved.
Chapter Three
Chapter Two
Chapter One