(no subject)
I completely broke down the other day when I saw that all of the comments a friend of mine had left on my old journal were deleted because he deleted his journal. I cried for at least an hour. It was a moment of grief that I'd been running away from for seven years. God, I miss my friend. He did some fucked up things, but he was still my best friend and I loved him very much. I still love him, that's never going to change. I realize that once you truly love someone, it never goes away. It's not like Joe or Kim. Feelings for them are long gone. But I've accepted that I am going to love G for the rest of my life. I'll just allow myself to feel the grief when it comes up until it becomes easier and easier. I'm actually glad that I can feel this much for people. It almost makes feeling the emotion of grief an enjoyable experience, but that probably doesn't make sense to most people.
So, I'm dealing with that while I'm also seriously contemplating changing my major from physics back to philosophy. Most professors at the four-year university level are horrible at actually teaching, so everything is so much harder than it was at Lord Fairfax. The stress of this semester has actually made me the sickest I've been in a long time, maybe ever. I'm not enjoying what I'm learning about, except for relativity. That was a great class. Anyway, the plan for next semester is to cut back to 2 classes so I can heal from this serious exacerbation that's been triggered by stress and lack of rest. I'm taking one class in astronomy (that goes with my physics with emphasis in astronomy major), and one philosophy class. I'll see how I feel at the end of the spring semester and decide from there which direction I want to go in. And what's great is the philosophy class is online, so I only have to commute to one class twice a week.
I can't shake the sense that I'm supposed to be studying physics, but whats causing that is probably a delusion. But it might be real. It's horrible. I'm actually really confused and I don't know what to do. I feel kind of lost and abandoned, but I know that's not true. I need to be still and listen to my inner voice, and do what's truly going to make me happy and bring me peace.
So, I'm dealing with that while I'm also seriously contemplating changing my major from physics back to philosophy. Most professors at the four-year university level are horrible at actually teaching, so everything is so much harder than it was at Lord Fairfax. The stress of this semester has actually made me the sickest I've been in a long time, maybe ever. I'm not enjoying what I'm learning about, except for relativity. That was a great class. Anyway, the plan for next semester is to cut back to 2 classes so I can heal from this serious exacerbation that's been triggered by stress and lack of rest. I'm taking one class in astronomy (that goes with my physics with emphasis in astronomy major), and one philosophy class. I'll see how I feel at the end of the spring semester and decide from there which direction I want to go in. And what's great is the philosophy class is online, so I only have to commute to one class twice a week.
I can't shake the sense that I'm supposed to be studying physics, but whats causing that is probably a delusion. But it might be real. It's horrible. I'm actually really confused and I don't know what to do. I feel kind of lost and abandoned, but I know that's not true. I need to be still and listen to my inner voice, and do what's truly going to make me happy and bring me peace.