Aug 30, 2014 13:23
I am a raging ball of anxiety right now, and I have no idea why. Everything is fine. Things are going great, actually. I made it through my first week of actual college and I've already made a study buddy, possibly two. And I didn't even have to initiate it. He's the one who suggested we keep in touch and study together since we're in literally all the same classes. He's the same guy that I met at orientation, so I'm really glad he actually wants to be my friend. Of course I have to sometimes suppress waves of paranoia related to post-traumatic stress, but that will pass, I'm sure. (Weird how you can forgive someone and move on, but the PTSD remains.)
I do have the fear that if people spend time with me they'll realize they don't like me and never want to talk to me again. But that's because it's been drilled into my head from a very early age that I am inherently unlikable and unattractive. That's why I'm always suspicious of people's motives if they want to be my friend. That's terrible, I know. I need to work on it.
So I guess this means I actually do know why I'm anxious. I'm afraid that my apparently abnormal personality is going to ruin a potential friendship. That solves that mystery.
So now an unrelated thing that's bugging me...why does Brandon Flowers make me so damned nervous??