Life as a Fil-Am
It's really hard sometimes, when you have so much cultural diversity etched into yourself. I'm a filipino-American. My dad was born in Cagayan in the Philippines, and my Mom was born in Iloilo, which is also in the Philippines. They met in Manila. And lemme tell you... They are VERY STRICT filipino parents; as are most filipino parents. It's very hard because you have to handle being a part of two different cultures.
My parents place these hardcore filipino values. My curfew is 9 (I seldom bend this curfew too). I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. My parents think that my 36D boob size make me look trashy. It's not like I can help it, they gave me those genes! I get criticized for eating "American Food" such as the hamburger, pizza and hot dog. Education is a big thing too. My sis and have to always be at the top of our class. They are very controlling, and it's hard to explain that to other people who aren't filipino. American children have a lot of independence. My classmates senior year got to be home by 1 AM. I had to and still have to be home at nine! We are raised "old school." Very strict methods. Very conservative. Filipino parents have a propensity to control their children's every move. Whenever we argue with our parents, we are always wrong, and our parents are always right. "How dare you question my authority! You think you know better than me?! You are the child, I am the parent!" Not many filipino parents think that they are wrong. What they say goes. We are told what to major in and what school to go to. I try to talk to my parents, but it doesn't work. "All of my friends get to have a curfew of at least ten." And then they would respond with, "if everybody jumped off of a bridge, would you too?" And I would say, "we're not talking about bridges, mom. It doesn't matter. I'm just talking about curfew." And of course Mom would say, "we're the parents, and what we say goes. We're not like American families who let their children go crazy and do whatever they want!"
And of course, the infamous immigration guilt trip. "Your father and I came from the Philippines, immigrants. We came so that we could you could have a better life! We do everything for you!" Not that I'm not grateful... But that makes me angry when they use that to justify controlling my life and being very unfair. We have a good life. Now let us live it our way.
They're also always afraid of my sister and me being "too americanized." Well, what do you expect? You brought us to the USA. We live here. We're exposed to the culture and its people. What do you expect. We want to fit in with everyone else. Sometimes it seems like we must be FULL FILIPINO or just forget about our heritage and be American... Or what they think is "a lost cause." I enter these phases of complete acceptance and pride of my filipino heritage, as well as embarassment because of the traditions and control imposed on me.
Many people tell me to "stand up to them" and to "just rebel." But there are so many factors that cannot make me do those things. The guilt trip for one. I know that my parents want what's best for me. I know that they work hard for my sister and me. They're bad... But they're not. It's an odd thing. And they have so much control and power over me. Not to mention the money. They could take away my college money... And I'd end up with a McJob or something. I know they have good reason to be controlling... It's a tough world out there. But at the same time, I want to experience it. I don't want to be stuck in the confinement of home. And I know my parents always tell me how they never had a car, but "a carabao that took me to the nearest market" or something like that. Or how mom and dad "only had one pencil and one eraser for the entire school year."
Another thing that bothers me about my parents is that they don't think that I have any willpower. They think I am weak. They think my little sister has all of the willpower and strength and that I'm just this flimsy weakling. Who're they to judge these things? I went through panic disorder, them constantly calling me fat and various emotional problems. Everyone thinks that they have a hard life. And who's to say that they have or haven't? How can you judge that? What do they know?
It's just hard. And I'm not exactly sure on how to deal with it all yet. I'm just beginning to take off my parent-designed mask and exploring my own identity. That's part of the reason why I'm so indecisive. Most decisions were and are made for me. I'm becoming an adult, and I want to step out of my parents' shadow. I just really don't know how.
My parents place these hardcore filipino values. My curfew is 9 (I seldom bend this curfew too). I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. My parents think that my 36D boob size make me look trashy. It's not like I can help it, they gave me those genes! I get criticized for eating "American Food" such as the hamburger, pizza and hot dog. Education is a big thing too. My sis and have to always be at the top of our class. They are very controlling, and it's hard to explain that to other people who aren't filipino. American children have a lot of independence. My classmates senior year got to be home by 1 AM. I had to and still have to be home at nine! We are raised "old school." Very strict methods. Very conservative. Filipino parents have a propensity to control their children's every move. Whenever we argue with our parents, we are always wrong, and our parents are always right. "How dare you question my authority! You think you know better than me?! You are the child, I am the parent!" Not many filipino parents think that they are wrong. What they say goes. We are told what to major in and what school to go to. I try to talk to my parents, but it doesn't work. "All of my friends get to have a curfew of at least ten." And then they would respond with, "if everybody jumped off of a bridge, would you too?" And I would say, "we're not talking about bridges, mom. It doesn't matter. I'm just talking about curfew." And of course Mom would say, "we're the parents, and what we say goes. We're not like American families who let their children go crazy and do whatever they want!"
And of course, the infamous immigration guilt trip. "Your father and I came from the Philippines, immigrants. We came so that we could you could have a better life! We do everything for you!" Not that I'm not grateful... But that makes me angry when they use that to justify controlling my life and being very unfair. We have a good life. Now let us live it our way.
They're also always afraid of my sister and me being "too americanized." Well, what do you expect? You brought us to the USA. We live here. We're exposed to the culture and its people. What do you expect. We want to fit in with everyone else. Sometimes it seems like we must be FULL FILIPINO or just forget about our heritage and be American... Or what they think is "a lost cause." I enter these phases of complete acceptance and pride of my filipino heritage, as well as embarassment because of the traditions and control imposed on me.
Many people tell me to "stand up to them" and to "just rebel." But there are so many factors that cannot make me do those things. The guilt trip for one. I know that my parents want what's best for me. I know that they work hard for my sister and me. They're bad... But they're not. It's an odd thing. And they have so much control and power over me. Not to mention the money. They could take away my college money... And I'd end up with a McJob or something. I know they have good reason to be controlling... It's a tough world out there. But at the same time, I want to experience it. I don't want to be stuck in the confinement of home. And I know my parents always tell me how they never had a car, but "a carabao that took me to the nearest market" or something like that. Or how mom and dad "only had one pencil and one eraser for the entire school year."
Another thing that bothers me about my parents is that they don't think that I have any willpower. They think I am weak. They think my little sister has all of the willpower and strength and that I'm just this flimsy weakling. Who're they to judge these things? I went through panic disorder, them constantly calling me fat and various emotional problems. Everyone thinks that they have a hard life. And who's to say that they have or haven't? How can you judge that? What do they know?
It's just hard. And I'm not exactly sure on how to deal with it all yet. I'm just beginning to take off my parent-designed mask and exploring my own identity. That's part of the reason why I'm so indecisive. Most decisions were and are made for me. I'm becoming an adult, and I want to step out of my parents' shadow. I just really don't know how.