(no subject)
2 weeks till graduation. holy crap. I'm so excited and so proud of myself. I think how far I've come since I started college and I'm just overwelmed with happiness. Five years ago I was friends with a lot of people i didn't want to be friends with. I was in a relationship that was .. difficult to say the least. I was doing awful in school, living at home, and had an alright job. Now I'm friends with people I actually like. I'm in a good relationship. I'm doing well in school. I live "on my own". I enjoy my job. The one thing i'm most proud of is how far I've come in relationships with people. I'm doing better with talking to people about things and actually making plans and following through with them.
Jake and I had a talk the other day about a whole bunch of things. Things like his job situation and just everything. We talked about what he did and I really hate it. I hate that I feel like the weak one. The one that gave in. I just need someone to tell me that I'm strong. That I didn't go soft because I just wanted to be with him. I mean I do, but I didn't forgive just cause that. Ugh thinking about it gives me a stomach ache. Thinking that he's done this to so many other girls gives me a stomach ache. I just don't get it. and no one is ever going to explain it to me and make me go "Oh, okay that makes sense"
Paul and I had a conversation last week about a whole bunch of things. Him and Nora and stuff like that. It was really nice. I feel bad for him because it sucks, being with someone for four years and then not but I hope he see's the positive, and it looks like he is. Being single gives you time to help yourself. To help you become the person you want to be. To really love yourself.
In the talk I had with Jake we got on the topic of friends. I have never, nor will i probably ever, have a lot of friends. That doesn't bother me in one bit. I don't need a ton of friends. I'd actually prefer not to have a ton of friends, much to much work. But i would like to have a best friend. I always try to think what a best friend is and i can't. I can't think of anyone that has ever been my best friend. I suppose Ashley when I was younger. we talked about everything and knew each other forever. But after that, after her mom and my mom stopped really talking, who did I have? Crystal? she was an awful friend. I sometimes wonder how I possibly still talk to her when she was that terrible. I guess i forgave but god. Lindsay? all I was to lindsay was someone to help her. In that relationship all I did was give and give and give and give. I would say me and megen were pretty much best friends. but like lindsay i gave a lot, mostly in listening form. Tina and I try but it just seems to never work. It makes me sad but i'm afraid of her. When she's in a bad mood i feel like i should be like what's wrong and she'll tell me all of these things but i cant even ask. I want to be there for her, in good times, bad times, whatever times but i don't know. I don't know why i have such a hard time with it. i guess we just don't click easily. That's why i liked being friends with max. Him and i are similar and we seemed to be doing well as friends and then he just stopped. he complained to me about how he doesn't have a best friend and blahblahblah and someone steps up and he just stops talking.
I'm sick of feeling like a shitty person. I felt like shit forever because of jake. I feel shitty talking to some friends and i just ugh. I just don't know what to do to make myself feel better.
Tina I want to be your friend. I don't need to be the only one but I want to be someone you turn to for advice and help. I want the same thing back. I don't want to hold everything in until i make a huge rant of livejournal. It's stupid and I;m too old to be doing this shit still.
Jake I want you to stop being a jackass. I want you to get your shit together. I don't want to have to tip toe around subjects. i want you to grow up, get a job, go to school, be the president. I don't give a shit what you do but nothing isn't enough. I can't be with someone who has no ambition. no thirst for life. I want to go traveling to europe and south america. I want to go rock climbing and snowboarding. i want to do things. i want to do whatever i want. and i want someone with me. and i want it to be you. I want you to want to be something, anything.
bah
Jake and I had a talk the other day about a whole bunch of things. Things like his job situation and just everything. We talked about what he did and I really hate it. I hate that I feel like the weak one. The one that gave in. I just need someone to tell me that I'm strong. That I didn't go soft because I just wanted to be with him. I mean I do, but I didn't forgive just cause that. Ugh thinking about it gives me a stomach ache. Thinking that he's done this to so many other girls gives me a stomach ache. I just don't get it. and no one is ever going to explain it to me and make me go "Oh, okay that makes sense"
Paul and I had a conversation last week about a whole bunch of things. Him and Nora and stuff like that. It was really nice. I feel bad for him because it sucks, being with someone for four years and then not but I hope he see's the positive, and it looks like he is. Being single gives you time to help yourself. To help you become the person you want to be. To really love yourself.
In the talk I had with Jake we got on the topic of friends. I have never, nor will i probably ever, have a lot of friends. That doesn't bother me in one bit. I don't need a ton of friends. I'd actually prefer not to have a ton of friends, much to much work. But i would like to have a best friend. I always try to think what a best friend is and i can't. I can't think of anyone that has ever been my best friend. I suppose Ashley when I was younger. we talked about everything and knew each other forever. But after that, after her mom and my mom stopped really talking, who did I have? Crystal? she was an awful friend. I sometimes wonder how I possibly still talk to her when she was that terrible. I guess i forgave but god. Lindsay? all I was to lindsay was someone to help her. In that relationship all I did was give and give and give and give. I would say me and megen were pretty much best friends. but like lindsay i gave a lot, mostly in listening form. Tina and I try but it just seems to never work. It makes me sad but i'm afraid of her. When she's in a bad mood i feel like i should be like what's wrong and she'll tell me all of these things but i cant even ask. I want to be there for her, in good times, bad times, whatever times but i don't know. I don't know why i have such a hard time with it. i guess we just don't click easily. That's why i liked being friends with max. Him and i are similar and we seemed to be doing well as friends and then he just stopped. he complained to me about how he doesn't have a best friend and blahblahblah and someone steps up and he just stops talking.
I'm sick of feeling like a shitty person. I felt like shit forever because of jake. I feel shitty talking to some friends and i just ugh. I just don't know what to do to make myself feel better.
Tina I want to be your friend. I don't need to be the only one but I want to be someone you turn to for advice and help. I want the same thing back. I don't want to hold everything in until i make a huge rant of livejournal. It's stupid and I;m too old to be doing this shit still.
Jake I want you to stop being a jackass. I want you to get your shit together. I don't want to have to tip toe around subjects. i want you to grow up, get a job, go to school, be the president. I don't give a shit what you do but nothing isn't enough. I can't be with someone who has no ambition. no thirst for life. I want to go traveling to europe and south america. I want to go rock climbing and snowboarding. i want to do things. i want to do whatever i want. and i want someone with me. and i want it to be you. I want you to want to be something, anything.
bah