AIM Logs, Vol 1
Who | Christian and Alexis.
What | AIM logs, Vol 1.
Status | Closed.
Warnings | Mega-awkwardness, Violent!Christian, Panic-Attack!Alexis.
What | Where Christian and Alexis first meet
Where | Rec Room
Alexis Berges: I'm not usually one to go roaming about new places, especially so considering my unfortunate blindness.. but staying in one place was putting me on edge. Everything here creeped me out, from the way the floors creaked to the eerie whispering id here behind me ever so often. Of course I had to wonder if it was just my mind playing with me, but somehow I doubt it after hearing the stories of Blackthorns tragedies all those years back... My fingers drag along the walls as I make my way to where I think the Rec room is, judging by the Braille on the walls. I hear someone breathing, not to brag by my hearing has always been amazing at least. "Is someone here?"
Christian Wayland: Is she talking to me? I look around, but there's just an empty chair, shadows in the corner, and the plush curtains drawn across the closest window. Her eyes aren't even focused on me, more through me. I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my temples with my palms. "No one important."
Alexis Berges: My brows push together slightly, something that often happened when I'm not sure what to say. "Why would you say that? Everyone has their own importance." I say softly, I at least try to be optimistic. I have to admit though being near a person I don't know scares me, so I stay standing at the door.
Christian Wayland: "I like being on the outside," I blurt, without thinking. My palms are still on my temples, I can feel another damn migraine just below the surface, made worse because she's standing in the brightest spot in the room. "Can you get out of the light? There's an unoccupied chair beside me."
Alexis Berges: "oh.. um.." I stutter and bite my lip, a nervous habit. I’m not so sure where to move but I know for sure that I don't want to be that close to this man I don't know. With that in mind I drag my fingers lightly against the wall so I know where I'm going. I find a sit considerably far from him. "so...what’s your name?"
Christian Wayland: I won't question why she chose such an odd place to sit just because it's out of the direct sunlight. My hands are back around my knees, and the slight throbbing is gone for now. "My name's Christian, I think we spoke during the introduction exercise - I recognize your face."
Alexis Berges: The name rings a bell immediately. I'm not quite sure why I took a interest in Christian over the others I talked with but I admit I did. He was just strange, to me at least. It made me curious what he looked like but I knew that was something id probably never know. "Oh.." I say and rubs my elbow lightly, "It's nice to meet you in person.." I say, quietly and softly as I usually speak. "How are you settling in?"
Christian Wayland: There was also something interesting about her, too, that I also couldn't place. I shift in my seat, legs now crossed instead of pulled to my chest. "This place is smaller than the last hospital I was in, and further from home. I don't know what to think of it yet." I pause for a second. "And you?"
Alexis Berges: Oh so he'd been in another hospital? ..it made me wonder why he was here. "I've never been away from home, never even out of state.. this is my first hospital." I admit, "I don't like it.. it's so eerie.. and i keep hearing horror stories about this place, it's scary.." I feel myself rambling and I bite my lip stopping the flow of words from tumbling out anymore.
Christian Wayland: "I don't think they are suppose to be pleasant." I had likely heard the same stories about Blackthorn that she had, but I tried not to let them bother me. It was the past, and all older hospitals were likely to have their share of skeletons. Besides, my concerns laid elsewhere. Still, I felt a strange need to quell her nervousness. "The rooms are nicer here, and the staff seem to care, unlike state institutions."
Alexis Berges: I sigh softly, "I don't think they are but.. when you grow up on the hills of Montana...being somewhere like here and without those you're familiar with is just such a big change.. and I guess those stories really get to me.." I says and turn my head in the direction of his voice. "Are they..? I'm happy for that at least.."
Christian Wayland: It's hard for me to care when I never had a real family of my own. But that's when it becomes clear that maybe it's the fact that she appears small and alone that's making me interested; that she's feeling like I did when they shuffled me through foster homes. "I grew up without a family. It takes time, but you'll learn to cope."
Alexis Berges: I feel myself frown and without thinking I say "That must have been hard.. what happened to your parents ?" but I immediately wish I hadn’t.. that was too personal, wasn't it? I ask myself this because I don't know how to deal with people really, I always feel like I'm bothering someone or just acting weird. "You don't have to answer that..." I breath, looking down at my lap to hide my face
Christian Wayland: I don't want to answer that. I feel I've already told her too much, but I still feel obligated to say /something/. "I don't talk about my past," I offer, trying to sound at least a little apologetic before I try to steer the topic a different way. "Why are you hear? I didn't think they sent the blind to sanatoriums anymore."
Alexis Berges: "I'm sorry i asked.." I say, barely loud enough to hear myself. I really feel like getting up and leaving right now, I don't know how to deal with this.. why does he still want to talk to me when I just asked such a thing? I'm lost in my thoughts for a moment before I process his question, "Um, I'm scared to be touched.." I admits "And ..ironically, I'm scared if doctors.." I say and wonder how stupid I must sound "and you?"
Christian Wayland: No touching, no doctors. "You're definitely in the wrong place, then," I guess my mouth ran faster than my mind, and while it was true, something was nagging in my head. "I..." I don't normally stutter "I - The doctors say I have behavioural problems. And something called Alice in Wonderland syndrome." I'm saying too much again, and just mentioning the syndrome makes the pressure behind my eyes come back.
Alexis Berges: "I know I am...but my family didn't agree." I say and as he speaks I recall every trait of alice in wonderland syndrome as if I'd read it out of a book. A odd trait of mine that tends to drive people crazy, because it's like 'talking to google'...I personally like it. "AIWS...hm" I mumble and notice I zoned out. I pull myself back and take a deep breath "sounds rough.." i say "I'm sorry you have to deal with that..."
Christian Wayland: I shrug off her sympathy. "I try to avoid triggers by keeping to myself." Even now, I'm lucky that the most I've had is warning signs throughout this conversation. Time and proportion still seem normal, but I'm looking more at the floor than at Alexis.
Alexis Berges: "Triggers.." I echo, thinking on what could trigger such a thing, "Maybe if you get around people more it'll stop being triggered...?" I ask, thinking over that possibility, "just a thought.." I say, realizing I'm thinking out loud and probably offending him again. I snap my mouth closed and lightly run my fingers over my lips, wondering why I can't stop the flow of words sometimes.
Christian Wayland: I look up at Alexis. "No. Being around others makes nothing better." I'm being blunt, maybe even irritable, but I don't care - the emotional wall is going up again. "They're needy, selfi..." My speech stops dead as I'm looking towards the rest of the room. The far wall suddenly seems even further away, and the people are distorted somehow. I sink in my chair and squeeze my eyes shut before trying to finish the though. "S-selfish and only p-pretend to help..."
Alexis Berges: I feel the coldness seeping into his words and I know my fear was right, he was mad at me... me and my mouth. I take a slightly shaky deep breath. I'm confused when his words cut off, "Christian...? Are you okay?" I ask, sitting forward in my seat a little. His words aren't flowing right aren't flowing right anymore and it would take a real idiot to not realize something was wrong. Like the air got more dense. I move just a little closer, sitting on the coffee table in front of him, I can tell because I hear his breathing, even that had changed. "You think me selfish too then?" I ask, trying to get him focused back on me and not on whatever was effecting him this way.
Christian Wayland: I try to open one eye when Alexis' voice moves closer, but it's not right. She still seems far away and.. slower. I shut the eye again and rub my palms vigorously over both of my eyes. "I.. everyone is. If they think so or not." My voice and breathing are still shaking, words feeling like they should be slurred, but I can't really tell.
Alexis Berges: It didn't take much for worry to send ice into my blood. "What's wrong..?" I ask, because something obviously was. I could hear him moving around, he seemed very uncomfortable "do you need a doctor..?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.
Christian Wayland: "No no. I'm fine." As long as I don't open my eyes, and a migraine doesn't start, anyways. Composure is hard, but I try to concentrate on it. "My eyes, the room... I'll be fine."
Alexis Berges: "Your eyes?" I echo, confused. I swallow thickly and hope I don't seriously annoy him "Talk to me..? Maybe I can help...if I understand" I offer and hope not to hear yet another person tell me I'm being too personal or just flat out irritating, there had only been a couple but I still sting and worry about it now because of them.
Christian Wayland: Usually I shut up completely when I have my episodes. So why is she still able to get through? Without thinking, I concede and continue to talk to her. "AiWS, the room is distorted, things are slow...I can't.." My head's still cradled in my hands, and it's a wonder the nurses haven't come to tend to me yet, unless they don't notice, which suits me better anyways. I hate the medication they force me.
Alexis Berges: "Close your eyes?" I suggest, not sure if he'd done so already or not. I think that maybe distracting him from it may help so I take a small leap out of my comfort zone to help, because by nature I put others before myself. I reach out slowly, my hands unsteady and shaky I'm certain, I jump slightly when my finger tips touch his hands but I shake it off, "So...tell me how many fingers I'm using. J-just.. pay attention to that.." I say shakily, because I'm nervous, really nervous, I haven't touched anyone in months and no ones touched me, so I try not to be overcome with fear as I run a single finger over the top of his hand, "How many?" I ask, keeping this tactic while I rake up all I know about AIWS in my mind and what may help.
Christian Wayland: "I did close them." I gasp and jerk a little when I feel something touch my hand. Peeking through my fingers, it's somehow a relief that it's her and not someone else. I relax a little. Concentrate on her fingers. "Right." This is stupid. I take a breath. "One."
Alexis Berges: Stupid it may be, but I gave me time to think 'AIWS affects the sufferer's sense of vision, sensation, touch, and hearing, as well as one's own body image.' I recall, maybe touching him is a bad idea.. but if he's more sensitive to it now maybe he'll be able to focus on it and not the distortion around him. I idly wonder if his head is hurting now. "Now?" I ask, three this time. I recall various treatments 'anticonvulsants, antidepressants, beta blockers, and calcium channel blockers' I sigh out loud and also recall that rest is the best thing for it. The effects itself wouldn't cause damage to Christian but a migraine could be the main cause of it...and now I can't help but wonder if I stressed him out and induced it.. "Does your head hurt?"
Christian Wayland: I can feel the migraine now, and I instinctively pull away from her and bury my face right into my knees, looking for darkness. There's a ringing in my ears, and because of it I barely hear what she asks me. I know a groan erupts from my throat, but even that makes me grit my teeth in pain.
Alexis Berges: I gasp out loud when he moves, I hadn't expected it and it felt like I was hit with electricity but really just fear that quickly melted. I look over my shoulder and get the attention of a nurse and she goes off to get medication to calm Christian. I have to admit I'm worried, I don't really know this man but I felt bad for him and wanted him to feel better ever the same I would with a friend.
Christian Wayland: Banging my head against my knees helps somewhat, and makes the ringing go away enough to hear her call the nurse. "I don't need them!" I snarled, through my clenched teeth, moving to stand from the chair. I get maybe 4 steps before my I find myself on the floor, what little I've had to eat threatening its out. I'm trying to fight through it, and give the first nurse that tries to help a shove into the nearest chair.
Alexis Berges: Shit.. maybe the nurse was a bad idea.. I can't be sure of anything with him, he's confusing me and with nurses now coming in doctors would be next and I can't take that right now... I feel the air shift as Christian stands but soon is on the floor but what actually made me nervous was the groan from a nurse as she was obviously shoved into a seat.. what if he hurt one of them..? "You really need to sit and try to calm down..." I barely get out, feeling myself lock up already, a mixture of too much going on at once, medical staff and my fear that the others will evade my personal space.
Christian Wayland: I'm still buckled over on the floor, trying to breath and push down the dry heaving. Another thud is heard when my forehead connects with the floor. "It won't go away, it just keeps hurting..." I go to stand again, but only get part-way there when two male orderlies take me by each arm, trying to put me back in my chair. I just want my dark room, and I struggle accordingly, but they're at least twice my size and able to lift me off the floor easily and deposit me back into the chair, holding me there until the other nurse comes back with the medicine. I'm still grunting and struggling, making the migraine worse, making the AiWS-induced hallucinations and distortion worse, and probably really terrifying Alexis by now.
Alexis Berges: Saying I was terrified was an understatement, I slowly understood what was happening, doctors were holding him still and I could hear him fighting it and groaning in pain. I admittedly have no idea how to process this but I hold my composure, listening to the struggle.. but that all changes when I feel a set of hands grab my shoulders rather roughly, obviously a man judging by the size. I instantly freak, I already felt all rational thought slipping away, "Let go!" I snap, my usual soft voice spiking high pitched and loud, every ounce of panic and terror filling my body reflected in it as it spin around and run into a chair, my arms out in from of me to keep away the doctor I couldn't see. I faintly acknowledge him telling me it's okay and that he would take me to a safe place but I soon feel him grab me again.. and that's all it really took to have me shaking and crying and trying to escape his grip. My mind still -in my struggle to get away- drifts to Christian, and if he was okay and if they were hurting him.
Christian Wayland: When the nurse brings me the medication, it takes both orderlies and her in order to force it down my throat. A few minutes more of being pinned to the chair, and the room finally begins to return to normal. I can just hear the nurse telling the two men to take me to my room and make sure I get into bed alright. With clarity returned, I think about Alexis, and actively start looking at every room I pass by, to find hers.
Alexis Berges: I hate being so small...it makes it amazingly easy for a single male doctor to drag me back to my room, and I'm too chaotic to realize we're moving while I struggle, scared of what he would do to me, what he'd do back in my room ..is hands feel like searing hot iron as they roughly grip my arms, forcing me back into my room. I crumple to the floor, by the foot of my bed and curls up protectively. I'm amazed when he simply walks out.. I had assumed so much worse would happen.. maybe he'd be back for me...Just the thought brings me to a whole new set of tears and I lay there on the floor, I'm a ball, trembling horribly and trying to catch my breath. My head hurts so back.. my arms and hands feel like they’re burning where he touched me, all in my imagination I'm sure but still I couldn't shake it.
Christian Wayland: I don't know if I would call it luck when I saw Alexis curled up in her room, but the moment my own chaperone left me alone, I slipped as quietly as I could down the hallway. I stand awkwardly in the doorway for a moment before softly tapping at the frame. Why am I here again? "Alexis?" My voice is unusually soft, but I figure there were some sort of tranquilizer in those pills I was force-fed. I take a step just inside the room and wait for acknowledgement.
Alexis Berges: I cringe when I hear a mans voice and automatically think its the doctor. I curl up tighter and shake my head no, but can't quite get any words out. I hide my face and my tears I force to quiet to mere whimpers, trying to hear where he was at in case he attacked. I hold my aching head and sniffle.
Christian Wayland: The biggest difference between me and the doctors is my lack of shoes. I pad a few steps closer and crouch down to her level - just far enough away that I shouldn't be in her space. I start tracing circles on the floor in another moment of awkward silence. "Tha..." I pause, then try again. "You.." No matter how I word it in my head, it doesn't seem right. I stand up again. "Thanks," I say simply, and turn towards the door.
What | Where Alexis 'sees' Christian for the first time, and they play '20 Questions'
Where | Christian’s Room
Alexis Berges: It took some time for me to realize all that had happened that first time I met Christian. I now faintly remember him coming to my room...had he came to check on me? I thought it sweet of him if he had, considering he barely knows me and I him. I decide to do the same. I get up out of bed and pull my hair into a ponytail, I grab the clothes left for me at the end of my bed and put them on before venturing out to Christians room. I touch the Braille on the door and realize its his room. I hesitate for a moment but I'm not sure why. I knock and wait for him to answer.
Christian Wayland: The knocking on the door pulls me from what I was doing, a notebook sitting in my lap and pencil grasped in my hand. It was an exercise put forth from one of the doctors, trying to get a feel for what I thought about, though half of the pages were just filled with scribbles and line scratches. Anything I drew that was meaningful got ripped out and stuffed inside of a tear in my mattress, never to be seen by anyone. Several seconds go by before I decide to check who is at the door, opening it very slightly, just enough to peek through. It's Alexis. "What do you want?" I ask, my tone of voice a little monotone.
Alexis Berges: My eyebrows raise a little, "Um.. nothing.. I mean I..I was just coming check on you, I guess.." I say, his words made me feel awkward, a unwanted intruder. I take a calming breath "h-how are you?" I ask, trying not to become stiff.
Christian Wayland: The door is opened a little bit further, and I take a silent sigh. Inside, there's a little bit of me that's actually kind of happy that she's making an effort at caring. "I'm.. fine, I guess." There's still some monotone there, but it's the closest truth I've told all day. An awkward pause goes by. "I.. guess I should ask how you are too?"
Alexis Berges: "better today..." I say, I'm just happy to still be in one piece, honestly. "um.. want to hang out for a little while ?" I ask. I'm bored and lonely and I really don't have any friends...
Christian Wayland: I consider it, and decide that it wouldn't be so bad. Alexis is the most tolerable person I've met so far. I cross my arms on my chest and shrug my shoulder. "Yeah, doing what?" Preferably something low-key, and maybe away from others.
Alexis Berges: "I don't know...I don't really know what there is to do around here.." I admit, I'd only really say in my room since I'd gotten here and rarely I'd go to the music room to play violin. "Anything I guess.." I say
Christian Wayland: Everywhere I can think of, there's always a staff member on duty, and last time, in the rec room, things didn't work out so well. "You can come in here, if you want," I suggest. "It's quiet, no one to bother us."
Alexis Berges: "I don't know...I don't really know what there is to do around here.." I admit, I'd only really say in my room since I'd gotten here and rarely I'd go to the music room to play violin. "Anything I guess.." I say
Christian Wayland: Everywhere I can think of, there's always a staff member on duty, and last time, in the rec room, things didn't work out so well. "You can come in here, if you want," I suggest. "It's quiet, no one to bother us."
Alexis Berges: "okay." I say. Though it sounds like a mildly bad idea...what if he freaked out again and it was only the two of us..? Would he hurt me..? I decide to take the risk and walk into the room, brushing my fingers along the wall and then him, I pull back quickly and blush, a usual reaction when I accidentally touch people "sorry.." I say.
Christian Wayland: I went to pull back, but, in remembering her blindness, did something even more surprising: I held out my hand to her and waved it slightly, so she'd know it was there. "Here," I said, giving her the opportunity to decide whether she'd take it. "The layout is a little different than your room."
Alexis Berges: I blink, knowing he was offering me his hand. I wasn't sure about taking it..but maybe if I did I could get used to it.. I've touched him before and he didn't hurt me, why would he? I reach out timidly and takes his hand, not realizing mine was trembling slightly. "Thanks..." I say, calming my nerves a bit.
Christian Wayland: I hold her hand rather delicately and give her a second to get used to the idea before I lead her towards the bed. "The bed is in front of you," I point out, but it takes an extra second more before I let her hand slip from mine. It felt weird, the first time in a long time I've willingly touched someone. Her hand was warm, smaller than mine, but the whole experience wasn't unpleasant. I wait for her to safely seat herself before I climb up and resume my spot in the upper corner, back to the wall, and pick up the notebook and pencil to place them on the nightstand.
Alexis Berges: I sit on the bed, a little stiff, just nerves again. I idly wonder what the room around me looks like, how would someone like Christian decorate the place? Hear him seat himself and I feel a little better knowing he's in one spot and not too close to me. "So...are you settling in alright?" I ask for lack of anything more interesting to say. They tell me it's the Aspergers that makes it more difficult for me to connect with people, just a little more awkward and a bit of a hermit by naked but still I do come out of my shell ever so often.
Christian Wayland: Part of my seating decision had her in mind, but mostly it was for my own comfort. I shifted a little bit, getting my legs crossed and ran a hand through my hair. "More-or-less. The nurse doesn't like the blanket over the window, but it helps keep the migraines away." I don't know why I shared that, it would probably make her uncomfortable after our first meeting. I'm not very good at this conversation/connection thing either - the SPD and ASPD being mostly to blame in my case.
Alexis Berges:"Too bright?" I ask, curious. I wasn't uncomfortable hearing about him, he interested me. I admit I was scared about what happened last time but I was okay right now, trying not to think about it to much. "I don't understand the nurses sometimes...they're not very helpful.." I say and pull my knees up to my chest, hugging them and resting my chin against my knees. "They refuse to stop poking at me.."
Christian Wayland: I nod, but she wouldn't have seen it. I have to remember to be vocal with her. "Yeah, light sensitivity. I don't think the nurses understand." I pause. "I heard them drag you away. They're too rough."
Alexis Berges: I suck in a slow breath though my nose and exhale it out of my mouth, trying not to think about the past incident with the doctors because it scared me endlessly. "they are rough...I don't think they really care, we're nothing but a pay check to them..." I say, not very optimistic when it came to medical staff, they'd never been good to me and the worse things that have ever happened to me was because of them.. "They're still trying to hire new doctors. We only have a couple but a good bit of staff...people are scared to work here" I say
Christian Wayland: I watch her reaction and listen to her words, agreeing with her. "Nothing but things," I offer, having heard them refer to us in a similar way before. "We should stick together," I slide my hand along the blanket, stopping half-way between us. "I didn't mind your help the other day, and if you don't mind my touch, I'll try to keep the doctors away." A mutually beneficial arrangement that wouldn't necessarily require much emotional investment.
Alexis Berges: I listen to him with curiosity, hearing his hand slide against the fabric of the sheets. I feel my expression change, slight confusion, why did he care? I think a moment on my response, "Okay.." I say, "Just...don't get offend if I get scared ..or pull away...I just don't know how to handle it..." I contemplate my next words and decide to trust him with them "I was..-" I search for a word to replace the one in my mind because I just couldn't get it out of my mouth "I was.. hurt.. by a doctor when I was a little girl.. A few times and he got put in jail...but others have hurt me along the years too.." I admit, tense, I didn't like thinking about it. "So I get nervous when people touch me.."
Christian Wayland: Why I cared was hard to place. Why I felt drawn to her was even harder. I listened to what she had to say, only hearing and not really processing too much more than that. Not hurting her was something I couldn't promise - not with the AiWS, but I could try to make a conscious effort. I guess, with her having shared some of her origin story, I should do the same. "I grew up in foster homes. Acted up, lashed out, sent to various doctors and hospitals. I don't care for people, they think it's part of the problem." I wanted to add that there's something about her that I like, but those words tasted strange, and would probably scare her as much as they confused me, so I kept it to myself.
Alexis Berges: I don't really think before I answer "Maybe you've just never had anyone worth caring about.." I say and then wonder if that sounds horrible.. but there aren’t anyone I really care about except for my twin sister, not even my own parents. It's not that I have a problem caring it's just that not many people warrant that sort of respect and love from me, not many people deserve it to me. Admittedly, I found something worth investigating in Christian, I'm not sure what or why I felt it but I would let it run it's course and see what it became. "I only really care about my twin sister" I admit, and with the slightly courage I had I add in "But I do find your company much more...real? " I pause "then others.. I find you interesting, maybe.." I say
Christian Wayland: I'm feeling a little uncomfortable with her suggestion about my lack of relationships, and shift to a slightly more closed position, bringing my knees to my chest. I don't mind listening to her speak about herself, and I reply in such a way to try and keep her more on that subject. "Is she like you?" I ask, temporarily ignoring her last comment about enjoying my company.
Alexis Berges: I can nearly feel his change, I just hope I didn't offend him..."A little. She more likable.. bubbly and sweet. Everyone likes her most." I say softly. "You don't have siblings?" I asks, curious.
Christian Wayland: Not offended, but definitely breaching personal space. The closed position remains. "Only child. Some foster siblings, don't remember most of them." Not much room left in my answer for elaboration. I steer her back to herself. "Are you identical or fraternal?" It's hard to think of another, more bubbly version of Alexis, but then again, I don't have too extensive an imagination.
Alexis Berges: "Identical." I say, loosening my hold on my legs, maybe if I relax he will.. who knows. I was still trying to get a feel for him. I'm quiet for a moment "you know...if I ever say anything that makes you uncomfortable.. you don't have to answer.." I offer, turning my body so that I was facing him.
Christian Wayland: Identical. Still hard for me to imagine. My eyes catch hers for the first time since I've known her when she turns towards me. I frown, just slightly. "Sorry, I feel awkward talking about myself..." I also feel awkward apologizing too.
Alexis Berges: "You don't have to apologize...I just ask too many questions sometimes, I just don't want to offend you.." I tell him, brushing my hair behind my ear, "Would it make it all worse to ask why you don't like talking about yourself?" I ask, because I really can't just shut my mouth sometimes...and I want to know more about him..
Christian Wayland: I shrug. "Just don't care about my experiences enough, really." I've said most of what there is to say with my answers to other questions. I offer something else though, to try and make her feel less put out, "I don't mind listening to your stories. You're interesting." Unlike the psychiatrist, she can talk all she wants, and I won't question her or tell her what she should be feeling or thinking.
Alexis Berges: "Neither do I.. the beauty of conversation is learning about someone and letting them learn about you." I say but I say no more on it after that. "I'm interesting..?" I ask, because no one was ever interested in me, my sister command all the attention without even trying.. I was always the one friendless and on the outside.
Christian Wayland: "You have lots to say, despite no eyesight," I point out, thinking it must usually be the other way around, no eyesight and not much to say. I rest my chin on my knees and continue to watch her.
Alexis Berges: "More time to think with less visual destructions I guess.." I say, self-consciously wondering if I was talking too much...I close my eyes, seeing no difference. What if he thinks I'm snoopy or silly? I nibble my bottom lip a bit. "sorry.." I breath
Christian Wayland: I would have asked her to leave if she were really getting on my nerves. "Don't be sorry. Your blindness is cool. I don't think I'd mind it at all." I lean towards her a little bit and reach out again, without thinking. My fingertips lightly brush her cheek, just below her left eye while I look at it. I pull back immediately after, realizing it was a dumb move. "Sorry," I mutter.
Alexis Berges: I freeze, more surprised then scared of his touch. I lets myself recompose, I shake my head "Its fine.." I say, touching my cheek where he touched me, curious why he had. I thought too much about everything. I feel a soft blush on my cheeks.
Christian Wayland: I had a bit of a matching flush of colour in my own cheeks, grateful that she couldn't see it. I couldn't immediately think of anything to say after that, instead letting the thick cloud of tension hang between us. I don't really know myself why I did that, and I wouldn't blame her if she wanted to leave now.
Alexis Berges: "Hey Christian..." I say quietly, taking a deep breath "Can I see you?" i ask, the only way I could would involve touching his face, scary but I was curious.. what he looked like and how he felt
Christian Wayland: The question caught me off guard. See me? How would she do that? "What?" Was all I managed to get out.
Alexis Berges: I sigh "Can I touch you?" I ask more simply. Nervous and shy but curious enough to give it a shot.
Christian Wayland: To have her in my personal space would be very awkward, a little uncomfortable, but it made sense that if I could see her with my eyes, it would only be fair to let her 'see' me with her hands. "Ah.. okay," I say finally, sitting up and mentally preparing myself for what would come next.
Alexis Berges: I’ve only ever done this once, it was interesting the imaginary image I could come up with only touching a person. I reach out slowly, my fingers lightly brush his collar bone, hadn’t realized I was so low. I'm especially slow, barely touching him, working my way up, imagining he must have a strong face to match his jaw, which feels angular and -shyly- I admit to myself its an attractive feature. I pause momentarily but soon my finger find his keep bones.
Christian Wayland: I swallow hard when she first touches me, trying to be as still as I can, but I can feel my face start to get hot. She reaches my jaw and I bite my tongue, resisting the urge to pull away. It's the strangest feeling ever for me. She's close enough that I can even smell her personal scent, surprised by how pleasant it is.
Alexis Berges: My fingers move slow, for the sake of my nerves and his. I touch his cheek bones, I raise my eyes, seeing nothing but wishing I could. I make a small hum and touch his brows a moment before i lightly touch his hair, curious of its length. My fingers brush over his nose, amazingly calm for my usual nervous disposition. I pause a moment, "You're ..very attractive.." I barely whisper, my fingers at his lips, biting my own lip in nervousness.
Christian Wayland: I still have my eyes closed, feeling awkward about staring at her while she's feeling me. The humming is weird, but I do notice that her hands are shaking less. My lips purse when she speaks and I'm at a loss for a reply. Should I thank her? I've never had anyone call me attractive before. I open my eyes to look at her, and pull a deep breath in through my nose.
Alexis Berges: I let my hands drop slowly and wraps my arms back around my knees, shy now. I nibble my lip and say nothing, unsure what to say. Had I embarrassed him? I sigh a little and realize I'm probably staring right at him, so I drop my eyes. "U-um..." I mumble
Christian Wayland: I really should answer her. I take another deep breath. "I.. uh.. thank you?" I sound unsure, but I can't be much at fault, I think? "That.. was different." I say after, trying to cut that tension in the air.
Alexis Berges: "Yeah.." She says, "what's strange is...you don't really scare me" I admit. It was off because I felt increasingly calm around him. "I..I usually can't touch people.." I tell him. But I have no problem with touching him beyond little nerves...strange
Christian Wayland: It is strange, I think to myself, especially because she survived through one of my episodes. I wonder briefly if it would scare her more if she knew key points about the darker side of my past. I rub one of my wrists, feeling the rough scars still there from my last suicide attempt, just before I was transferred here. If she ever finds them, I probably won't hide them. "I feel better around you, too." I don't want to do horrible things to you, and I don't want you to feel awkward or sad.
Alexis Berges: "I'm glad." I say and loosen up a little. "I'm glad.." I echo quietly and brush my hair back "so...you said this isn't your first hospital...? Is it worse then the last?"
Christian Wayland: I'm still looking at the scars, and decide to choose my words carefully. I'm feeling a little more like sharing now. "A lot of psychiatrists when I was younger, and one admittance to another institution before this one. The last hospital was very schedule-oriented, with lots of group activities."
Alexis Berges: "Ah" I says. "this is the first place I've been at all outside of Montana. I've never left before. " I admit, "it's just...really strange...I just.. I didn't think they'd send me away." I say, feeling a flooding emotion that I quickly swallow and hide my face on my knees. "I miss my sister..."
Christian Wayland: I hesitate for a second, but go with instinct and lay a hand gently on her back. I know better than to give the awkward 'it's okay' pat, so I give two short rubs across her shoulders. "She could still visit," I offer, "I had visitors at St. Patrick's..."
Alexis Berges: I’m a little surprised at the touch, as unusually am but I don't feel my normal instinct to get away from him. "Maybe she will..." I say but I doubt it, these places scare her as bad as they scare me.. I tense up ever so slightly but tell myself to relax. I'm quiet as I think of what to say next, not sure how to converse with people naturally..
Christian Wayland: She hasn't pulled away, so I take a chance and leave my hand on her back, thinking it might be making her feel better? "They could surprise you?" I have little idea of what I'm talking about. My foster parents mostly came to see me because they had a legal obligation until I turned 18. After that, there weren't many visitors.
Alexis Berges: "Maybe.." I say, I know he's trying to comfort me best he can so I don’t shoot out that they won't because they don't ever leave Montana, they were real home bodies. I tune in on his hand on my back, a gentle touch but maybe just a little out of place for him. He didn't seem the affectionate type, so I figure he's just trying to make me feel better. It's sweet of him, really, I find myself thinking so a lot.
Christian Wayland: It appears there's not too much I can say to try and make her feel better, so I fall back into the awkward silence that seems to just be the norm for the two of us. I remove my hand from her back and just sort of sit back, not really knowing what's going to happen next.
Alexis Berges: I just close my eyes and let myself go off into nothingness for a long moment before I ask "do you want to play a question game?" I think maybe we can learn a little about each other and not have to feel all bugged out about it.
Christian Wayland: A question game? I'm not really sure how I feel about that. The last time I participated in something like that, not a lot of truth was offered on my part. It was easier to lie to protect myself, depending on the types of questions being asked. "I guess," I shrug, my reluctance clear in my voice.
Alexis Berges: I pick up on that immediately, "I won't ask anything personal.." I says. "um...I'll start." I says and think a moment, "..how old are you?" I ask, figuring that was simple
Christian Wayland: I'll give it a try. "Twenty-four," I answer, wondering if she would've figured that out without asking. Taking the easy road, I direct the same question back to her. "..And you?"
Alexis Berges:"Eighteen.." I respond, I assumed he was older then me. "Your turn to ask" I never counted re-asked questions, that's the was my sister and I played.
Christian Wayland: She's about as young as I thought she was, and I also had a feeling she was going to make this a little challenging for me. I thought for a moment, and came up with the first thing I could think of: "So.. you really can't see anything at all?"
Alexis Berges: I shake my head no, "Nothing." I say and turns my eyes up at him, though seeing nothing I'm still sure I'm looking at him "I lost my sight when I was 3.." I add an pause "I see music though.."
Christian Wayland: I couldn't help but raise a hand and wave it in front of her face, just to see what sort of reaction, if any, I would get. "How do you 'see' music?"
Alexis Berges: I shrink back a little, people did that to me a lot. I could tell he was waving his hand, I heard him move, I felt the air move. "I have synaesthesia. It's like...waves and ribbons of light and color when I hear music. My eyes are damaged but it never left" I say
Christian Wayland: My hand drops, but I don't apologize. I had heard of synaesthesia before, at the previous hospital, but didn't know much about it. "Ah." I reply simply.
Alexis Berges: I feel awkward now yet again so I think up a quick question, "When were you born?" random...
Christian Wayland: Another easy question that's not too personal. "October 31st.." I'm half-expecting a smart comment about Halloween and my personality - same sort of thing as when I waved my hand in front of her face. I'd deserve it, but I also hope she'd maybe be above that sort of thing.
Alexis Berges: "Halloween?" I say with a small smile, "That's so cool." I say, not intending to tease him at all. I just found the date interesting. "It's like having a double celebration on Halloween. Sounds fun." I say. "I just get giggled at because that one Jonas brother boy has the same birthday, September 16th. " I pout a little
Christian Wayland: I shrug it off. "My birthday would get lumped in with the rest of the holiday." Which meant that it had never really been much of a special occasion, since there was always so much more going on for the other foster kids. A candle in a Halloween treat was usually height of the celebration. I'm also not well versed in popular culture, so I'm not sure who this Jonas brother boy is. I don't comment on it. Her birthday was just another day to me before now.
Alexis Berges: I think I’ll have to ask a nurse to help me make a cake this year for him. I could see it not being special, just the tone of his voice, so I want to make him something for his next. "Shame." I say, my mouth faster then my brain. "I'm more interested in you then Hallowe..en" I stumble towards the end, wanting to suck the words back in.
Christian Wayland: "No, not really." Not a shame at all, in my opinion. I let the second comment go, only because I agree with her. Since I was 16, I just sort of stopped celebrating most holidays. Being institutionalized just made that easier.
Alexis Berges: I touch my hot face and sigh "I should probably go. But would you like to go into town with me tomorrow? The nurse is taking me to get new pyjamas" I say
Christian Wayland: Hm. Going outside. Not something I particularly enjoy, but the feelings I'm developing the longer I'm around and interacting with her are telling me I should go. If anything, I could keep her away from others so her anxieties don't act up. "Yeah," I say finally. "I'll go with you."
Alexis Berges: I small a little, an expression I don't use much anymore. "See you then.." I says and reach out, touching his shoulder by chance. I stand up and stretch.
What | AIM logs, Vol 1.
Status | Closed.
Warnings | Mega-awkwardness, Violent!Christian, Panic-Attack!Alexis.
What | Where Christian and Alexis first meet
Where | Rec Room
Alexis Berges: I'm not usually one to go roaming about new places, especially so considering my unfortunate blindness.. but staying in one place was putting me on edge. Everything here creeped me out, from the way the floors creaked to the eerie whispering id here behind me ever so often. Of course I had to wonder if it was just my mind playing with me, but somehow I doubt it after hearing the stories of Blackthorns tragedies all those years back... My fingers drag along the walls as I make my way to where I think the Rec room is, judging by the Braille on the walls. I hear someone breathing, not to brag by my hearing has always been amazing at least. "Is someone here?"
Christian Wayland: Is she talking to me? I look around, but there's just an empty chair, shadows in the corner, and the plush curtains drawn across the closest window. Her eyes aren't even focused on me, more through me. I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my temples with my palms. "No one important."
Alexis Berges: My brows push together slightly, something that often happened when I'm not sure what to say. "Why would you say that? Everyone has their own importance." I say softly, I at least try to be optimistic. I have to admit though being near a person I don't know scares me, so I stay standing at the door.
Christian Wayland: "I like being on the outside," I blurt, without thinking. My palms are still on my temples, I can feel another damn migraine just below the surface, made worse because she's standing in the brightest spot in the room. "Can you get out of the light? There's an unoccupied chair beside me."
Alexis Berges: "oh.. um.." I stutter and bite my lip, a nervous habit. I’m not so sure where to move but I know for sure that I don't want to be that close to this man I don't know. With that in mind I drag my fingers lightly against the wall so I know where I'm going. I find a sit considerably far from him. "so...what’s your name?"
Christian Wayland: I won't question why she chose such an odd place to sit just because it's out of the direct sunlight. My hands are back around my knees, and the slight throbbing is gone for now. "My name's Christian, I think we spoke during the introduction exercise - I recognize your face."
Alexis Berges: The name rings a bell immediately. I'm not quite sure why I took a interest in Christian over the others I talked with but I admit I did. He was just strange, to me at least. It made me curious what he looked like but I knew that was something id probably never know. "Oh.." I say and rubs my elbow lightly, "It's nice to meet you in person.." I say, quietly and softly as I usually speak. "How are you settling in?"
Christian Wayland: There was also something interesting about her, too, that I also couldn't place. I shift in my seat, legs now crossed instead of pulled to my chest. "This place is smaller than the last hospital I was in, and further from home. I don't know what to think of it yet." I pause for a second. "And you?"
Alexis Berges: Oh so he'd been in another hospital? ..it made me wonder why he was here. "I've never been away from home, never even out of state.. this is my first hospital." I admit, "I don't like it.. it's so eerie.. and i keep hearing horror stories about this place, it's scary.." I feel myself rambling and I bite my lip stopping the flow of words from tumbling out anymore.
Christian Wayland: "I don't think they are suppose to be pleasant." I had likely heard the same stories about Blackthorn that she had, but I tried not to let them bother me. It was the past, and all older hospitals were likely to have their share of skeletons. Besides, my concerns laid elsewhere. Still, I felt a strange need to quell her nervousness. "The rooms are nicer here, and the staff seem to care, unlike state institutions."
Alexis Berges: I sigh softly, "I don't think they are but.. when you grow up on the hills of Montana...being somewhere like here and without those you're familiar with is just such a big change.. and I guess those stories really get to me.." I says and turn my head in the direction of his voice. "Are they..? I'm happy for that at least.."
Christian Wayland: It's hard for me to care when I never had a real family of my own. But that's when it becomes clear that maybe it's the fact that she appears small and alone that's making me interested; that she's feeling like I did when they shuffled me through foster homes. "I grew up without a family. It takes time, but you'll learn to cope."
Alexis Berges: I feel myself frown and without thinking I say "That must have been hard.. what happened to your parents ?" but I immediately wish I hadn’t.. that was too personal, wasn't it? I ask myself this because I don't know how to deal with people really, I always feel like I'm bothering someone or just acting weird. "You don't have to answer that..." I breath, looking down at my lap to hide my face
Christian Wayland: I don't want to answer that. I feel I've already told her too much, but I still feel obligated to say /something/. "I don't talk about my past," I offer, trying to sound at least a little apologetic before I try to steer the topic a different way. "Why are you hear? I didn't think they sent the blind to sanatoriums anymore."
Alexis Berges: "I'm sorry i asked.." I say, barely loud enough to hear myself. I really feel like getting up and leaving right now, I don't know how to deal with this.. why does he still want to talk to me when I just asked such a thing? I'm lost in my thoughts for a moment before I process his question, "Um, I'm scared to be touched.." I admits "And ..ironically, I'm scared if doctors.." I say and wonder how stupid I must sound "and you?"
Christian Wayland: No touching, no doctors. "You're definitely in the wrong place, then," I guess my mouth ran faster than my mind, and while it was true, something was nagging in my head. "I..." I don't normally stutter "I - The doctors say I have behavioural problems. And something called Alice in Wonderland syndrome." I'm saying too much again, and just mentioning the syndrome makes the pressure behind my eyes come back.
Alexis Berges: "I know I am...but my family didn't agree." I say and as he speaks I recall every trait of alice in wonderland syndrome as if I'd read it out of a book. A odd trait of mine that tends to drive people crazy, because it's like 'talking to google'...I personally like it. "AIWS...hm" I mumble and notice I zoned out. I pull myself back and take a deep breath "sounds rough.." i say "I'm sorry you have to deal with that..."
Christian Wayland: I shrug off her sympathy. "I try to avoid triggers by keeping to myself." Even now, I'm lucky that the most I've had is warning signs throughout this conversation. Time and proportion still seem normal, but I'm looking more at the floor than at Alexis.
Alexis Berges: "Triggers.." I echo, thinking on what could trigger such a thing, "Maybe if you get around people more it'll stop being triggered...?" I ask, thinking over that possibility, "just a thought.." I say, realizing I'm thinking out loud and probably offending him again. I snap my mouth closed and lightly run my fingers over my lips, wondering why I can't stop the flow of words sometimes.
Christian Wayland: I look up at Alexis. "No. Being around others makes nothing better." I'm being blunt, maybe even irritable, but I don't care - the emotional wall is going up again. "They're needy, selfi..." My speech stops dead as I'm looking towards the rest of the room. The far wall suddenly seems even further away, and the people are distorted somehow. I sink in my chair and squeeze my eyes shut before trying to finish the though. "S-selfish and only p-pretend to help..."
Alexis Berges: I feel the coldness seeping into his words and I know my fear was right, he was mad at me... me and my mouth. I take a slightly shaky deep breath. I'm confused when his words cut off, "Christian...? Are you okay?" I ask, sitting forward in my seat a little. His words aren't flowing right aren't flowing right anymore and it would take a real idiot to not realize something was wrong. Like the air got more dense. I move just a little closer, sitting on the coffee table in front of him, I can tell because I hear his breathing, even that had changed. "You think me selfish too then?" I ask, trying to get him focused back on me and not on whatever was effecting him this way.
Christian Wayland: I try to open one eye when Alexis' voice moves closer, but it's not right. She still seems far away and.. slower. I shut the eye again and rub my palms vigorously over both of my eyes. "I.. everyone is. If they think so or not." My voice and breathing are still shaking, words feeling like they should be slurred, but I can't really tell.
Alexis Berges: It didn't take much for worry to send ice into my blood. "What's wrong..?" I ask, because something obviously was. I could hear him moving around, he seemed very uncomfortable "do you need a doctor..?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.
Christian Wayland: "No no. I'm fine." As long as I don't open my eyes, and a migraine doesn't start, anyways. Composure is hard, but I try to concentrate on it. "My eyes, the room... I'll be fine."
Alexis Berges: "Your eyes?" I echo, confused. I swallow thickly and hope I don't seriously annoy him "Talk to me..? Maybe I can help...if I understand" I offer and hope not to hear yet another person tell me I'm being too personal or just flat out irritating, there had only been a couple but I still sting and worry about it now because of them.
Christian Wayland: Usually I shut up completely when I have my episodes. So why is she still able to get through? Without thinking, I concede and continue to talk to her. "AiWS, the room is distorted, things are slow...I can't.." My head's still cradled in my hands, and it's a wonder the nurses haven't come to tend to me yet, unless they don't notice, which suits me better anyways. I hate the medication they force me.
Alexis Berges: "Close your eyes?" I suggest, not sure if he'd done so already or not. I think that maybe distracting him from it may help so I take a small leap out of my comfort zone to help, because by nature I put others before myself. I reach out slowly, my hands unsteady and shaky I'm certain, I jump slightly when my finger tips touch his hands but I shake it off, "So...tell me how many fingers I'm using. J-just.. pay attention to that.." I say shakily, because I'm nervous, really nervous, I haven't touched anyone in months and no ones touched me, so I try not to be overcome with fear as I run a single finger over the top of his hand, "How many?" I ask, keeping this tactic while I rake up all I know about AIWS in my mind and what may help.
Christian Wayland: "I did close them." I gasp and jerk a little when I feel something touch my hand. Peeking through my fingers, it's somehow a relief that it's her and not someone else. I relax a little. Concentrate on her fingers. "Right." This is stupid. I take a breath. "One."
Alexis Berges: Stupid it may be, but I gave me time to think 'AIWS affects the sufferer's sense of vision, sensation, touch, and hearing, as well as one's own body image.' I recall, maybe touching him is a bad idea.. but if he's more sensitive to it now maybe he'll be able to focus on it and not the distortion around him. I idly wonder if his head is hurting now. "Now?" I ask, three this time. I recall various treatments 'anticonvulsants, antidepressants, beta blockers, and calcium channel blockers' I sigh out loud and also recall that rest is the best thing for it. The effects itself wouldn't cause damage to Christian but a migraine could be the main cause of it...and now I can't help but wonder if I stressed him out and induced it.. "Does your head hurt?"
Christian Wayland: I can feel the migraine now, and I instinctively pull away from her and bury my face right into my knees, looking for darkness. There's a ringing in my ears, and because of it I barely hear what she asks me. I know a groan erupts from my throat, but even that makes me grit my teeth in pain.
Alexis Berges: I gasp out loud when he moves, I hadn't expected it and it felt like I was hit with electricity but really just fear that quickly melted. I look over my shoulder and get the attention of a nurse and she goes off to get medication to calm Christian. I have to admit I'm worried, I don't really know this man but I felt bad for him and wanted him to feel better ever the same I would with a friend.
Christian Wayland: Banging my head against my knees helps somewhat, and makes the ringing go away enough to hear her call the nurse. "I don't need them!" I snarled, through my clenched teeth, moving to stand from the chair. I get maybe 4 steps before my I find myself on the floor, what little I've had to eat threatening its out. I'm trying to fight through it, and give the first nurse that tries to help a shove into the nearest chair.
Alexis Berges: Shit.. maybe the nurse was a bad idea.. I can't be sure of anything with him, he's confusing me and with nurses now coming in doctors would be next and I can't take that right now... I feel the air shift as Christian stands but soon is on the floor but what actually made me nervous was the groan from a nurse as she was obviously shoved into a seat.. what if he hurt one of them..? "You really need to sit and try to calm down..." I barely get out, feeling myself lock up already, a mixture of too much going on at once, medical staff and my fear that the others will evade my personal space.
Christian Wayland: I'm still buckled over on the floor, trying to breath and push down the dry heaving. Another thud is heard when my forehead connects with the floor. "It won't go away, it just keeps hurting..." I go to stand again, but only get part-way there when two male orderlies take me by each arm, trying to put me back in my chair. I just want my dark room, and I struggle accordingly, but they're at least twice my size and able to lift me off the floor easily and deposit me back into the chair, holding me there until the other nurse comes back with the medicine. I'm still grunting and struggling, making the migraine worse, making the AiWS-induced hallucinations and distortion worse, and probably really terrifying Alexis by now.
Alexis Berges: Saying I was terrified was an understatement, I slowly understood what was happening, doctors were holding him still and I could hear him fighting it and groaning in pain. I admittedly have no idea how to process this but I hold my composure, listening to the struggle.. but that all changes when I feel a set of hands grab my shoulders rather roughly, obviously a man judging by the size. I instantly freak, I already felt all rational thought slipping away, "Let go!" I snap, my usual soft voice spiking high pitched and loud, every ounce of panic and terror filling my body reflected in it as it spin around and run into a chair, my arms out in from of me to keep away the doctor I couldn't see. I faintly acknowledge him telling me it's okay and that he would take me to a safe place but I soon feel him grab me again.. and that's all it really took to have me shaking and crying and trying to escape his grip. My mind still -in my struggle to get away- drifts to Christian, and if he was okay and if they were hurting him.
Christian Wayland: When the nurse brings me the medication, it takes both orderlies and her in order to force it down my throat. A few minutes more of being pinned to the chair, and the room finally begins to return to normal. I can just hear the nurse telling the two men to take me to my room and make sure I get into bed alright. With clarity returned, I think about Alexis, and actively start looking at every room I pass by, to find hers.
Alexis Berges: I hate being so small...it makes it amazingly easy for a single male doctor to drag me back to my room, and I'm too chaotic to realize we're moving while I struggle, scared of what he would do to me, what he'd do back in my room ..is hands feel like searing hot iron as they roughly grip my arms, forcing me back into my room. I crumple to the floor, by the foot of my bed and curls up protectively. I'm amazed when he simply walks out.. I had assumed so much worse would happen.. maybe he'd be back for me...Just the thought brings me to a whole new set of tears and I lay there on the floor, I'm a ball, trembling horribly and trying to catch my breath. My head hurts so back.. my arms and hands feel like they’re burning where he touched me, all in my imagination I'm sure but still I couldn't shake it.
Christian Wayland: I don't know if I would call it luck when I saw Alexis curled up in her room, but the moment my own chaperone left me alone, I slipped as quietly as I could down the hallway. I stand awkwardly in the doorway for a moment before softly tapping at the frame. Why am I here again? "Alexis?" My voice is unusually soft, but I figure there were some sort of tranquilizer in those pills I was force-fed. I take a step just inside the room and wait for acknowledgement.
Alexis Berges: I cringe when I hear a mans voice and automatically think its the doctor. I curl up tighter and shake my head no, but can't quite get any words out. I hide my face and my tears I force to quiet to mere whimpers, trying to hear where he was at in case he attacked. I hold my aching head and sniffle.
Christian Wayland: The biggest difference between me and the doctors is my lack of shoes. I pad a few steps closer and crouch down to her level - just far enough away that I shouldn't be in her space. I start tracing circles on the floor in another moment of awkward silence. "Tha..." I pause, then try again. "You.." No matter how I word it in my head, it doesn't seem right. I stand up again. "Thanks," I say simply, and turn towards the door.
What | Where Alexis 'sees' Christian for the first time, and they play '20 Questions'
Where | Christian’s Room
Alexis Berges: It took some time for me to realize all that had happened that first time I met Christian. I now faintly remember him coming to my room...had he came to check on me? I thought it sweet of him if he had, considering he barely knows me and I him. I decide to do the same. I get up out of bed and pull my hair into a ponytail, I grab the clothes left for me at the end of my bed and put them on before venturing out to Christians room. I touch the Braille on the door and realize its his room. I hesitate for a moment but I'm not sure why. I knock and wait for him to answer.
Christian Wayland: The knocking on the door pulls me from what I was doing, a notebook sitting in my lap and pencil grasped in my hand. It was an exercise put forth from one of the doctors, trying to get a feel for what I thought about, though half of the pages were just filled with scribbles and line scratches. Anything I drew that was meaningful got ripped out and stuffed inside of a tear in my mattress, never to be seen by anyone. Several seconds go by before I decide to check who is at the door, opening it very slightly, just enough to peek through. It's Alexis. "What do you want?" I ask, my tone of voice a little monotone.
Alexis Berges: My eyebrows raise a little, "Um.. nothing.. I mean I..I was just coming check on you, I guess.." I say, his words made me feel awkward, a unwanted intruder. I take a calming breath "h-how are you?" I ask, trying not to become stiff.
Christian Wayland: The door is opened a little bit further, and I take a silent sigh. Inside, there's a little bit of me that's actually kind of happy that she's making an effort at caring. "I'm.. fine, I guess." There's still some monotone there, but it's the closest truth I've told all day. An awkward pause goes by. "I.. guess I should ask how you are too?"
Alexis Berges: "better today..." I say, I'm just happy to still be in one piece, honestly. "um.. want to hang out for a little while ?" I ask. I'm bored and lonely and I really don't have any friends...
Christian Wayland: I consider it, and decide that it wouldn't be so bad. Alexis is the most tolerable person I've met so far. I cross my arms on my chest and shrug my shoulder. "Yeah, doing what?" Preferably something low-key, and maybe away from others.
Alexis Berges: "I don't know...I don't really know what there is to do around here.." I admit, I'd only really say in my room since I'd gotten here and rarely I'd go to the music room to play violin. "Anything I guess.." I say
Christian Wayland: Everywhere I can think of, there's always a staff member on duty, and last time, in the rec room, things didn't work out so well. "You can come in here, if you want," I suggest. "It's quiet, no one to bother us."
Alexis Berges: "I don't know...I don't really know what there is to do around here.." I admit, I'd only really say in my room since I'd gotten here and rarely I'd go to the music room to play violin. "Anything I guess.." I say
Christian Wayland: Everywhere I can think of, there's always a staff member on duty, and last time, in the rec room, things didn't work out so well. "You can come in here, if you want," I suggest. "It's quiet, no one to bother us."
Alexis Berges: "okay." I say. Though it sounds like a mildly bad idea...what if he freaked out again and it was only the two of us..? Would he hurt me..? I decide to take the risk and walk into the room, brushing my fingers along the wall and then him, I pull back quickly and blush, a usual reaction when I accidentally touch people "sorry.." I say.
Christian Wayland: I went to pull back, but, in remembering her blindness, did something even more surprising: I held out my hand to her and waved it slightly, so she'd know it was there. "Here," I said, giving her the opportunity to decide whether she'd take it. "The layout is a little different than your room."
Alexis Berges: I blink, knowing he was offering me his hand. I wasn't sure about taking it..but maybe if I did I could get used to it.. I've touched him before and he didn't hurt me, why would he? I reach out timidly and takes his hand, not realizing mine was trembling slightly. "Thanks..." I say, calming my nerves a bit.
Christian Wayland: I hold her hand rather delicately and give her a second to get used to the idea before I lead her towards the bed. "The bed is in front of you," I point out, but it takes an extra second more before I let her hand slip from mine. It felt weird, the first time in a long time I've willingly touched someone. Her hand was warm, smaller than mine, but the whole experience wasn't unpleasant. I wait for her to safely seat herself before I climb up and resume my spot in the upper corner, back to the wall, and pick up the notebook and pencil to place them on the nightstand.
Alexis Berges: I sit on the bed, a little stiff, just nerves again. I idly wonder what the room around me looks like, how would someone like Christian decorate the place? Hear him seat himself and I feel a little better knowing he's in one spot and not too close to me. "So...are you settling in alright?" I ask for lack of anything more interesting to say. They tell me it's the Aspergers that makes it more difficult for me to connect with people, just a little more awkward and a bit of a hermit by naked but still I do come out of my shell ever so often.
Christian Wayland: Part of my seating decision had her in mind, but mostly it was for my own comfort. I shifted a little bit, getting my legs crossed and ran a hand through my hair. "More-or-less. The nurse doesn't like the blanket over the window, but it helps keep the migraines away." I don't know why I shared that, it would probably make her uncomfortable after our first meeting. I'm not very good at this conversation/connection thing either - the SPD and ASPD being mostly to blame in my case.
Alexis Berges:"Too bright?" I ask, curious. I wasn't uncomfortable hearing about him, he interested me. I admit I was scared about what happened last time but I was okay right now, trying not to think about it to much. "I don't understand the nurses sometimes...they're not very helpful.." I say and pull my knees up to my chest, hugging them and resting my chin against my knees. "They refuse to stop poking at me.."
Christian Wayland: I nod, but she wouldn't have seen it. I have to remember to be vocal with her. "Yeah, light sensitivity. I don't think the nurses understand." I pause. "I heard them drag you away. They're too rough."
Alexis Berges: I suck in a slow breath though my nose and exhale it out of my mouth, trying not to think about the past incident with the doctors because it scared me endlessly. "they are rough...I don't think they really care, we're nothing but a pay check to them..." I say, not very optimistic when it came to medical staff, they'd never been good to me and the worse things that have ever happened to me was because of them.. "They're still trying to hire new doctors. We only have a couple but a good bit of staff...people are scared to work here" I say
Christian Wayland: I watch her reaction and listen to her words, agreeing with her. "Nothing but things," I offer, having heard them refer to us in a similar way before. "We should stick together," I slide my hand along the blanket, stopping half-way between us. "I didn't mind your help the other day, and if you don't mind my touch, I'll try to keep the doctors away." A mutually beneficial arrangement that wouldn't necessarily require much emotional investment.
Alexis Berges: I listen to him with curiosity, hearing his hand slide against the fabric of the sheets. I feel my expression change, slight confusion, why did he care? I think a moment on my response, "Okay.." I say, "Just...don't get offend if I get scared ..or pull away...I just don't know how to handle it..." I contemplate my next words and decide to trust him with them "I was..-" I search for a word to replace the one in my mind because I just couldn't get it out of my mouth "I was.. hurt.. by a doctor when I was a little girl.. A few times and he got put in jail...but others have hurt me along the years too.." I admit, tense, I didn't like thinking about it. "So I get nervous when people touch me.."
Christian Wayland: Why I cared was hard to place. Why I felt drawn to her was even harder. I listened to what she had to say, only hearing and not really processing too much more than that. Not hurting her was something I couldn't promise - not with the AiWS, but I could try to make a conscious effort. I guess, with her having shared some of her origin story, I should do the same. "I grew up in foster homes. Acted up, lashed out, sent to various doctors and hospitals. I don't care for people, they think it's part of the problem." I wanted to add that there's something about her that I like, but those words tasted strange, and would probably scare her as much as they confused me, so I kept it to myself.
Alexis Berges: I don't really think before I answer "Maybe you've just never had anyone worth caring about.." I say and then wonder if that sounds horrible.. but there aren’t anyone I really care about except for my twin sister, not even my own parents. It's not that I have a problem caring it's just that not many people warrant that sort of respect and love from me, not many people deserve it to me. Admittedly, I found something worth investigating in Christian, I'm not sure what or why I felt it but I would let it run it's course and see what it became. "I only really care about my twin sister" I admit, and with the slightly courage I had I add in "But I do find your company much more...real? " I pause "then others.. I find you interesting, maybe.." I say
Christian Wayland: I'm feeling a little uncomfortable with her suggestion about my lack of relationships, and shift to a slightly more closed position, bringing my knees to my chest. I don't mind listening to her speak about herself, and I reply in such a way to try and keep her more on that subject. "Is she like you?" I ask, temporarily ignoring her last comment about enjoying my company.
Alexis Berges: I can nearly feel his change, I just hope I didn't offend him..."A little. She more likable.. bubbly and sweet. Everyone likes her most." I say softly. "You don't have siblings?" I asks, curious.
Christian Wayland: Not offended, but definitely breaching personal space. The closed position remains. "Only child. Some foster siblings, don't remember most of them." Not much room left in my answer for elaboration. I steer her back to herself. "Are you identical or fraternal?" It's hard to think of another, more bubbly version of Alexis, but then again, I don't have too extensive an imagination.
Alexis Berges: "Identical." I say, loosening my hold on my legs, maybe if I relax he will.. who knows. I was still trying to get a feel for him. I'm quiet for a moment "you know...if I ever say anything that makes you uncomfortable.. you don't have to answer.." I offer, turning my body so that I was facing him.
Christian Wayland: Identical. Still hard for me to imagine. My eyes catch hers for the first time since I've known her when she turns towards me. I frown, just slightly. "Sorry, I feel awkward talking about myself..." I also feel awkward apologizing too.
Alexis Berges: "You don't have to apologize...I just ask too many questions sometimes, I just don't want to offend you.." I tell him, brushing my hair behind my ear, "Would it make it all worse to ask why you don't like talking about yourself?" I ask, because I really can't just shut my mouth sometimes...and I want to know more about him..
Christian Wayland: I shrug. "Just don't care about my experiences enough, really." I've said most of what there is to say with my answers to other questions. I offer something else though, to try and make her feel less put out, "I don't mind listening to your stories. You're interesting." Unlike the psychiatrist, she can talk all she wants, and I won't question her or tell her what she should be feeling or thinking.
Alexis Berges: "Neither do I.. the beauty of conversation is learning about someone and letting them learn about you." I say but I say no more on it after that. "I'm interesting..?" I ask, because no one was ever interested in me, my sister command all the attention without even trying.. I was always the one friendless and on the outside.
Christian Wayland: "You have lots to say, despite no eyesight," I point out, thinking it must usually be the other way around, no eyesight and not much to say. I rest my chin on my knees and continue to watch her.
Alexis Berges: "More time to think with less visual destructions I guess.." I say, self-consciously wondering if I was talking too much...I close my eyes, seeing no difference. What if he thinks I'm snoopy or silly? I nibble my bottom lip a bit. "sorry.." I breath
Christian Wayland: I would have asked her to leave if she were really getting on my nerves. "Don't be sorry. Your blindness is cool. I don't think I'd mind it at all." I lean towards her a little bit and reach out again, without thinking. My fingertips lightly brush her cheek, just below her left eye while I look at it. I pull back immediately after, realizing it was a dumb move. "Sorry," I mutter.
Alexis Berges: I freeze, more surprised then scared of his touch. I lets myself recompose, I shake my head "Its fine.." I say, touching my cheek where he touched me, curious why he had. I thought too much about everything. I feel a soft blush on my cheeks.
Christian Wayland: I had a bit of a matching flush of colour in my own cheeks, grateful that she couldn't see it. I couldn't immediately think of anything to say after that, instead letting the thick cloud of tension hang between us. I don't really know myself why I did that, and I wouldn't blame her if she wanted to leave now.
Alexis Berges: "Hey Christian..." I say quietly, taking a deep breath "Can I see you?" i ask, the only way I could would involve touching his face, scary but I was curious.. what he looked like and how he felt
Christian Wayland: The question caught me off guard. See me? How would she do that? "What?" Was all I managed to get out.
Alexis Berges: I sigh "Can I touch you?" I ask more simply. Nervous and shy but curious enough to give it a shot.
Christian Wayland: To have her in my personal space would be very awkward, a little uncomfortable, but it made sense that if I could see her with my eyes, it would only be fair to let her 'see' me with her hands. "Ah.. okay," I say finally, sitting up and mentally preparing myself for what would come next.
Alexis Berges: I’ve only ever done this once, it was interesting the imaginary image I could come up with only touching a person. I reach out slowly, my fingers lightly brush his collar bone, hadn’t realized I was so low. I'm especially slow, barely touching him, working my way up, imagining he must have a strong face to match his jaw, which feels angular and -shyly- I admit to myself its an attractive feature. I pause momentarily but soon my finger find his keep bones.
Christian Wayland: I swallow hard when she first touches me, trying to be as still as I can, but I can feel my face start to get hot. She reaches my jaw and I bite my tongue, resisting the urge to pull away. It's the strangest feeling ever for me. She's close enough that I can even smell her personal scent, surprised by how pleasant it is.
Alexis Berges: My fingers move slow, for the sake of my nerves and his. I touch his cheek bones, I raise my eyes, seeing nothing but wishing I could. I make a small hum and touch his brows a moment before i lightly touch his hair, curious of its length. My fingers brush over his nose, amazingly calm for my usual nervous disposition. I pause a moment, "You're ..very attractive.." I barely whisper, my fingers at his lips, biting my own lip in nervousness.
Christian Wayland: I still have my eyes closed, feeling awkward about staring at her while she's feeling me. The humming is weird, but I do notice that her hands are shaking less. My lips purse when she speaks and I'm at a loss for a reply. Should I thank her? I've never had anyone call me attractive before. I open my eyes to look at her, and pull a deep breath in through my nose.
Alexis Berges: I let my hands drop slowly and wraps my arms back around my knees, shy now. I nibble my lip and say nothing, unsure what to say. Had I embarrassed him? I sigh a little and realize I'm probably staring right at him, so I drop my eyes. "U-um..." I mumble
Christian Wayland: I really should answer her. I take another deep breath. "I.. uh.. thank you?" I sound unsure, but I can't be much at fault, I think? "That.. was different." I say after, trying to cut that tension in the air.
Alexis Berges: "Yeah.." She says, "what's strange is...you don't really scare me" I admit. It was off because I felt increasingly calm around him. "I..I usually can't touch people.." I tell him. But I have no problem with touching him beyond little nerves...strange
Christian Wayland: It is strange, I think to myself, especially because she survived through one of my episodes. I wonder briefly if it would scare her more if she knew key points about the darker side of my past. I rub one of my wrists, feeling the rough scars still there from my last suicide attempt, just before I was transferred here. If she ever finds them, I probably won't hide them. "I feel better around you, too." I don't want to do horrible things to you, and I don't want you to feel awkward or sad.
Alexis Berges: "I'm glad." I say and loosen up a little. "I'm glad.." I echo quietly and brush my hair back "so...you said this isn't your first hospital...? Is it worse then the last?"
Christian Wayland: I'm still looking at the scars, and decide to choose my words carefully. I'm feeling a little more like sharing now. "A lot of psychiatrists when I was younger, and one admittance to another institution before this one. The last hospital was very schedule-oriented, with lots of group activities."
Alexis Berges: "Ah" I says. "this is the first place I've been at all outside of Montana. I've never left before. " I admit, "it's just...really strange...I just.. I didn't think they'd send me away." I say, feeling a flooding emotion that I quickly swallow and hide my face on my knees. "I miss my sister..."
Christian Wayland: I hesitate for a second, but go with instinct and lay a hand gently on her back. I know better than to give the awkward 'it's okay' pat, so I give two short rubs across her shoulders. "She could still visit," I offer, "I had visitors at St. Patrick's..."
Alexis Berges: I’m a little surprised at the touch, as unusually am but I don't feel my normal instinct to get away from him. "Maybe she will..." I say but I doubt it, these places scare her as bad as they scare me.. I tense up ever so slightly but tell myself to relax. I'm quiet as I think of what to say next, not sure how to converse with people naturally..
Christian Wayland: She hasn't pulled away, so I take a chance and leave my hand on her back, thinking it might be making her feel better? "They could surprise you?" I have little idea of what I'm talking about. My foster parents mostly came to see me because they had a legal obligation until I turned 18. After that, there weren't many visitors.
Alexis Berges: "Maybe.." I say, I know he's trying to comfort me best he can so I don’t shoot out that they won't because they don't ever leave Montana, they were real home bodies. I tune in on his hand on my back, a gentle touch but maybe just a little out of place for him. He didn't seem the affectionate type, so I figure he's just trying to make me feel better. It's sweet of him, really, I find myself thinking so a lot.
Christian Wayland: It appears there's not too much I can say to try and make her feel better, so I fall back into the awkward silence that seems to just be the norm for the two of us. I remove my hand from her back and just sort of sit back, not really knowing what's going to happen next.
Alexis Berges: I just close my eyes and let myself go off into nothingness for a long moment before I ask "do you want to play a question game?" I think maybe we can learn a little about each other and not have to feel all bugged out about it.
Christian Wayland: A question game? I'm not really sure how I feel about that. The last time I participated in something like that, not a lot of truth was offered on my part. It was easier to lie to protect myself, depending on the types of questions being asked. "I guess," I shrug, my reluctance clear in my voice.
Alexis Berges: I pick up on that immediately, "I won't ask anything personal.." I says. "um...I'll start." I says and think a moment, "..how old are you?" I ask, figuring that was simple
Christian Wayland: I'll give it a try. "Twenty-four," I answer, wondering if she would've figured that out without asking. Taking the easy road, I direct the same question back to her. "..And you?"
Alexis Berges:"Eighteen.." I respond, I assumed he was older then me. "Your turn to ask" I never counted re-asked questions, that's the was my sister and I played.
Christian Wayland: She's about as young as I thought she was, and I also had a feeling she was going to make this a little challenging for me. I thought for a moment, and came up with the first thing I could think of: "So.. you really can't see anything at all?"
Alexis Berges: I shake my head no, "Nothing." I say and turns my eyes up at him, though seeing nothing I'm still sure I'm looking at him "I lost my sight when I was 3.." I add an pause "I see music though.."
Christian Wayland: I couldn't help but raise a hand and wave it in front of her face, just to see what sort of reaction, if any, I would get. "How do you 'see' music?"
Alexis Berges: I shrink back a little, people did that to me a lot. I could tell he was waving his hand, I heard him move, I felt the air move. "I have synaesthesia. It's like...waves and ribbons of light and color when I hear music. My eyes are damaged but it never left" I say
Christian Wayland: My hand drops, but I don't apologize. I had heard of synaesthesia before, at the previous hospital, but didn't know much about it. "Ah." I reply simply.
Alexis Berges: I feel awkward now yet again so I think up a quick question, "When were you born?" random...
Christian Wayland: Another easy question that's not too personal. "October 31st.." I'm half-expecting a smart comment about Halloween and my personality - same sort of thing as when I waved my hand in front of her face. I'd deserve it, but I also hope she'd maybe be above that sort of thing.
Alexis Berges: "Halloween?" I say with a small smile, "That's so cool." I say, not intending to tease him at all. I just found the date interesting. "It's like having a double celebration on Halloween. Sounds fun." I say. "I just get giggled at because that one Jonas brother boy has the same birthday, September 16th. " I pout a little
Christian Wayland: I shrug it off. "My birthday would get lumped in with the rest of the holiday." Which meant that it had never really been much of a special occasion, since there was always so much more going on for the other foster kids. A candle in a Halloween treat was usually height of the celebration. I'm also not well versed in popular culture, so I'm not sure who this Jonas brother boy is. I don't comment on it. Her birthday was just another day to me before now.
Alexis Berges: I think I’ll have to ask a nurse to help me make a cake this year for him. I could see it not being special, just the tone of his voice, so I want to make him something for his next. "Shame." I say, my mouth faster then my brain. "I'm more interested in you then Hallowe..en" I stumble towards the end, wanting to suck the words back in.
Christian Wayland: "No, not really." Not a shame at all, in my opinion. I let the second comment go, only because I agree with her. Since I was 16, I just sort of stopped celebrating most holidays. Being institutionalized just made that easier.
Alexis Berges: I touch my hot face and sigh "I should probably go. But would you like to go into town with me tomorrow? The nurse is taking me to get new pyjamas" I say
Christian Wayland: Hm. Going outside. Not something I particularly enjoy, but the feelings I'm developing the longer I'm around and interacting with her are telling me I should go. If anything, I could keep her away from others so her anxieties don't act up. "Yeah," I say finally. "I'll go with you."
Alexis Berges: I small a little, an expression I don't use much anymore. "See you then.." I says and reach out, touching his shoulder by chance. I stand up and stretch.