(no subject)
i feel so empty everything seems pointless. this is the part where i reach out to jesus right? well, jesus, help me out. my boyfriend fucks me then leaves me. he counts the minutes we have to cuddle in order to make me feel less shitty. and that in itself makes me suicidal. right now, a razor tomy wrist sounds inviting. my eyes cry, but im too hopeless to do anything about it. stop me lord from comitting the ultimate sin. i want to so bad lord. why does he leave me? no, why cant i stand him leaving. its not just coincidence, it is always a rush to get out of my bed, or get me out of his room. he yelled at me once, 'get dressed'. he was scared, but it still hurt. its nights like these i promise myself never to be with him. see, i was very diligent in my efforts...but did it work? nope, once kiss on the shoulder, one heavy breath on my neck, a look in his eyes. im screwed. literally. im so miserable i need to reach out to you, this is when you give your pain and anguish to god. so, god take my shame and guilt for letting myself be with him. because he always regrets it and feels its wrong....which makes me hate myself more wholly. who could share something SO special with the one they supposedly love and feel guilty? i dont. i never have. i guess thats how we differ. i say no now, but we will see...lord give me the strength to tell this man no. because i always feel like shit when he leaves me. its always too soon. why am i so needy? why does he hate staying? i hate when my stomach convluses from crying so hard. i feel like vomiting. please lord, just make the pain go away. tonight i cant handle it. tonight i might let it persuade me to take some action i will regret....some action...