(no subject)
im really having a tough time adjusting to this love. because it isnt like love of your family or something---this love has to be reciprocal. and im too selfish too love him. i get caught up in selfish silliness like starving. i let my insecurity build a barrier between our communicating bodies. its so frustrating. last night i was the closest ive ever been to telling him about it all. but thinking about it now...i mustve been insane to fathom telling him that. he wouldnt understand and he'd just try to change me. but i NEED to express the moment when i almost did...
he was stretched across the seats in his car and his eyes remained closed but would occasionally flutter open tp see my reaction. i laid on top of him. our faces so close, the lights so dim my vision was blurring reality and my subconcious. there were times i wasnt sure if he was looking at me or sleeping. breathing or trying to say something. i watched his lips slightly parted and pale in the light expose his envy-enducing teeth. his breath escaped between them slowly and it was beautifully sexy. shadows drew soft lines on his face making him painfully gorgeous. he asked me with eyes still closed, 'whats wrong?". and i killed myself one more time when i replied, 'nothing'. it killed to not scream and cry. he was letting me in, telling me things and i sat there like a spoiled brat, hoarding my secrets due to my cowardice behavior. it was horrible. but what could i have said? if he wanted or needed to know he already would. maybe he does on some level. maybe he does.
he was stretched across the seats in his car and his eyes remained closed but would occasionally flutter open tp see my reaction. i laid on top of him. our faces so close, the lights so dim my vision was blurring reality and my subconcious. there were times i wasnt sure if he was looking at me or sleeping. breathing or trying to say something. i watched his lips slightly parted and pale in the light expose his envy-enducing teeth. his breath escaped between them slowly and it was beautifully sexy. shadows drew soft lines on his face making him painfully gorgeous. he asked me with eyes still closed, 'whats wrong?". and i killed myself one more time when i replied, 'nothing'. it killed to not scream and cry. he was letting me in, telling me things and i sat there like a spoiled brat, hoarding my secrets due to my cowardice behavior. it was horrible. but what could i have said? if he wanted or needed to know he already would. maybe he does on some level. maybe he does.