Some thoughts
All my life I’ve been slow and senseless
Not struck dumb, I’m just dumb that’s all
But I can give you the constellations
Lay down here and we’ll count them all
Madeline, Madeline and nine
Call me back when the war is over
Call me back when your boyfriend’s gone
Slave to the inside light
My world is burning on eternally
For the fire I lack
This flame is feeling fine
Give my eyes just for your intentions
Risk my back to impress you now
I’m so joyful that I have found you
All’s I need’s is to see you now
Slain by the words I lack
My world is bursting sappy music and
With the face so sad I long to make you mine
Just thinking about my life and the state of my relationship. More specifically my health and the role I want in my relationship.
I think we've been moving towards something more resembling equality, but I could be fooling myself. There's something that I'm just not satisfied with, but I don't know what or how to articulate these thoughts.
Frolicon was sort of nice because I got to see people who I like and (I suppose) like me. It's also comforting to hear from people that they think I'm attractive even though I've gone from a size almost 11 to something like 16. I'm still trying to lose that weight, but it's not working. Or possibly I'm not working. ;) Eh. I really want to be able to wear my fucking clothes again and not these bags. Every time I try to wear "nice" clothes I feel like one of those fat women who's trying too hard to recapture the long distant days of hot.
In the middle of typing my tags for this post, I think I hit upon my relationship issue. It's like Laura Ingalls (not yet Wilder) said. She didn't want to have a wedding ceremony that stated she had to obey her husband. She said that she wouldn't obey something that went against her good sense, and her fiance (bless his soul) agreed wholeheartedly, and if he didn't agree he pretended damn well to make her happy.
I have always been a ball of barely concealed resentment. I hate authority figures unless I am one. I don't like to listen to people. I will. I will quite often, but only when I can't be arsed to do otherwise or when I agree with them. Re-building my sense of self had the side effect of making me feel, you know, empowered and shit. What was the point of that if I cannot take it to it's logical conclusion?
I am perfectly happy doing things if they make sense which really just means if I can agree with your reasoning then I'll listen to you. I cannot go against my good sense, and any person who valued my intelligence wouldn't make me.
Also, I'm tired of feeling like my sinuses are draining. That's pretty annoying. I also don't know why the color I'm currently wearing is called "pea pod". It's a silly name for such a nice green.