Will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?
Well. I guess I don't rightly know what to say. Or I know what to say but not to say it which is really rather par for the course.
I am tired of hanging on to things and people who will never be what they were to me anymore. Not family... they'll always be exactly what they were. Family bonds and quotes from _The Wake_ and summed up to mean "families rock and they suck".
I guess I can take that to mean the same for the families people make on their own. I am not the same person who did that. I don't have the same need to be propped up and exalted by the love of my peers. I don't need it to feel like a real or a good person. I don't need it to feel anything anymore. Though I won't get into the whole feeling emotions like a real girl issue right now. That's not what this is about.
This is about the knowledge that there's more than one way to lose.
I have changed so much as to be almost unrecognizable to my family. People I've lived with consistently until I was 18 and known for all of my life if I use the word know somewhat loosely.
If even they cannot fathom how I am what I am today, then how can I expect my friends to still know and truly love me. I'm... not Rachel. I'm not even the Kiyomi some people met. I'm not nice. I'm not kind. I'm not "smart". I'm not even up to claiming to be a savant. Totally an idiot though.
I am almost completely uninterested in politics now. I am almost completely uninvolved in the spiritual world as defined by institutions or clergy-people. Which is not to call me irreligious. Just... as much of a layperson as you can get, and I like it. I heartily enjoy being irresponsible. I am ecstatic when I fly under the radar and no longer feel compelled by my friends and family to be all gung-ho about this movement or that thought. I am almost never sought for advice on relationships or spirituality or anything. It makes me so happy not to be a priest-y person. Except... that's where my life is moving again. Not too soon thankfully.
It is unsurprising that I have lost the friends I had before. When I was infinitely less weathered emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. When I had... intensity. When I was happy to spend my days steeped in idealism and haring after this dream or the next.
It was fucking exhausting, and I'm glad to be done with it.
However, since these changes in my life I've lost a lot of people. Some on purpose and some accidentally. Some... I tried to get back, but that didn't work. Too much *stuff* had happened. There is, in fact, such a thing as too much water under the bridge.
And now. I'm pretty alone. No more super late night talks about what makes the world turn. Not even what makes people turn. Not much of anything at all.
I no longer call people up at the crisis du jour. There's no point as what will be will be. There's no advice you can give that I haven't probably heard or given. There's nothing anyone can do to change my life except for me, so why bother? I don't seem to feel the compulsion to share or risk emotional implosions for good or bad reasons.
My phone conversations have grown awkward and short. My dealings with people have turned into business transactions or inanities. I have casual friendships now.
Not everything is life and death. I don't feel like I'd risk great and terrible things for the people in my life anymore. Oh, I have friends. My home is open to them and theirs to mine. Some of them even when they're not home... but it lacks the past intimacy of my other relationships.
Maybe it was a false intimacy brought on by sharing deeply personal issues and feelings. Maybe it was the actual sharing of feelings. Imagine that! Friends sharing feelings about things more important than anime or various organisations we're involved in! What's the world coming to?
I mastered the co-worker friend and lost the art of making friends in to family.
In the end, it wasn't so terrible a thing to lose. I'm not nearly as open as I was, and that's not all bad.
But sometimes on late insomniac nights I miss people. I miss turning to someone who's so like me and unlike me that we were destined to be something. I think about calling, but then the feeling is replaced with a sort of nostalgia. We're all strangers now. Strangers I loved before, but we don't know each other anymore. When we said we could go years without talking and still pick up where we left off... we lied the kindest sort of lie that friends can. Even the best of friends need maintenance.
So. I'm not the same. You're not either. I hang out on the outer edges of you life like some kind of net-stalker, and I don't feel bad or creepy. Kind of sad, but that's the way it goes. I don't know how things would be if we tried again. I can't even convince myself that it's a good idea for anyone right now. But I've always been fond of the dramatic. Though this is about the least dramatic I can get. *shrugs*
I just wanted to say hi and bye and dear gods we had a fabulous time with thoughts and feelings and all the great and silly and wrong things we did.
Thanks for that, and while my alien-robot self will deny it... I still miss you.
I am tired of hanging on to things and people who will never be what they were to me anymore. Not family... they'll always be exactly what they were. Family bonds and quotes from _The Wake_ and summed up to mean "families rock and they suck".
I guess I can take that to mean the same for the families people make on their own. I am not the same person who did that. I don't have the same need to be propped up and exalted by the love of my peers. I don't need it to feel like a real or a good person. I don't need it to feel anything anymore. Though I won't get into the whole feeling emotions like a real girl issue right now. That's not what this is about.
This is about the knowledge that there's more than one way to lose.
I have changed so much as to be almost unrecognizable to my family. People I've lived with consistently until I was 18 and known for all of my life if I use the word know somewhat loosely.
If even they cannot fathom how I am what I am today, then how can I expect my friends to still know and truly love me. I'm... not Rachel. I'm not even the Kiyomi some people met. I'm not nice. I'm not kind. I'm not "smart". I'm not even up to claiming to be a savant. Totally an idiot though.
I am almost completely uninterested in politics now. I am almost completely uninvolved in the spiritual world as defined by institutions or clergy-people. Which is not to call me irreligious. Just... as much of a layperson as you can get, and I like it. I heartily enjoy being irresponsible. I am ecstatic when I fly under the radar and no longer feel compelled by my friends and family to be all gung-ho about this movement or that thought. I am almost never sought for advice on relationships or spirituality or anything. It makes me so happy not to be a priest-y person. Except... that's where my life is moving again. Not too soon thankfully.
It is unsurprising that I have lost the friends I had before. When I was infinitely less weathered emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. When I had... intensity. When I was happy to spend my days steeped in idealism and haring after this dream or the next.
It was fucking exhausting, and I'm glad to be done with it.
However, since these changes in my life I've lost a lot of people. Some on purpose and some accidentally. Some... I tried to get back, but that didn't work. Too much *stuff* had happened. There is, in fact, such a thing as too much water under the bridge.
And now. I'm pretty alone. No more super late night talks about what makes the world turn. Not even what makes people turn. Not much of anything at all.
I no longer call people up at the crisis du jour. There's no point as what will be will be. There's no advice you can give that I haven't probably heard or given. There's nothing anyone can do to change my life except for me, so why bother? I don't seem to feel the compulsion to share or risk emotional implosions for good or bad reasons.
My phone conversations have grown awkward and short. My dealings with people have turned into business transactions or inanities. I have casual friendships now.
Not everything is life and death. I don't feel like I'd risk great and terrible things for the people in my life anymore. Oh, I have friends. My home is open to them and theirs to mine. Some of them even when they're not home... but it lacks the past intimacy of my other relationships.
Maybe it was a false intimacy brought on by sharing deeply personal issues and feelings. Maybe it was the actual sharing of feelings. Imagine that! Friends sharing feelings about things more important than anime or various organisations we're involved in! What's the world coming to?
I mastered the co-worker friend and lost the art of making friends in to family.
In the end, it wasn't so terrible a thing to lose. I'm not nearly as open as I was, and that's not all bad.
But sometimes on late insomniac nights I miss people. I miss turning to someone who's so like me and unlike me that we were destined to be something. I think about calling, but then the feeling is replaced with a sort of nostalgia. We're all strangers now. Strangers I loved before, but we don't know each other anymore. When we said we could go years without talking and still pick up where we left off... we lied the kindest sort of lie that friends can. Even the best of friends need maintenance.
So. I'm not the same. You're not either. I hang out on the outer edges of you life like some kind of net-stalker, and I don't feel bad or creepy. Kind of sad, but that's the way it goes. I don't know how things would be if we tried again. I can't even convince myself that it's a good idea for anyone right now. But I've always been fond of the dramatic. Though this is about the least dramatic I can get. *shrugs*
I just wanted to say hi and bye and dear gods we had a fabulous time with thoughts and feelings and all the great and silly and wrong things we did.
Thanks for that, and while my alien-robot self will deny it... I still miss you.