There really is a story
It has literally been years since I've written here. Time moves along and I realized that the tiny observances were more suited to the FaceBook post. Until a friend died and his widow put it all out there about how his long illness affected them. And I started thinking about this topic. I'm putting it here so it because it is demanding to get out of my head and into the world.
In January of 2010 Genie did a Living Out Loud writing challenge about past loves. I wrote about some of them but skipped the husband I was in the process of divorcing. In her recap of the entries she mentioned that she was sorry about that because she thought there was a story there. I thought there really wasn't but I think there is.
There are relationships that really look good on paper. They work hard, take care of their home, have enjoyable free time pursuits, they spend time with their child. It looks fabulous. But relationships are about the interaction of people together. The give and take of tasks and stress, pain and pleasure. When those go out of balance for whatever reason someone is left working harder just to keep afloat.
For my Birthday weekend in 2006 (Columbus Day weekend) I went to NY to visit first my sister and then an online buddy. It was a nice visit the family was home the ex was taking the parenting lead. Things weren't fabulous between us (our sex life went AWOL when I was forced off the pill due to high blood pressure) but they were OK. We were all hanging in there working, playing. Frustrations were present but not overwhelming.
The trip wasn't a big deal but it is seared in my memory for 2 reasons: 1) my friend read my cards - not that I'd ever been a huge believer in such things but her reading was spot on. When she flipped the Death card she said something to the effect of it doesn't mean death so much as great change. 2) When I got home and on the Tuesday morning when we were eating breakfast before returning to work my ex found a little tidbit in the paper that upended my whole existence. The bank I worked for had been sold.
For anyone who hasn't lived through a sale or merger it's quite a ride. October 2006 the bank sold but things like that take a very long time to play out. The regulators took 6 months to approve the sale. Then there was 3 months of evaluation of systems and personnel and planning the transfer of everything to the new bank. Eight or Nine months of building tension. Then the layoff packages and the gradual reduction of staff until the end. The eight months were hellish as my first boss spiralled into alcoholism and had an outburst that I called him on that lead to me getting a different boss for the duration at least until he was gone which meant a new boss (etc).
When I went into my official HR meeting my only desire was to go quickly. Instead my separation date was set for 12/31/2007. I wasn't the last employee to go but I was certainly among the last 10. They made it worth my while to stay mind you - retention bonus and a good severance. There wasn't much value in cutting early but staying was hard. For the most of that summer every week there was a going away party that got smaller and smaller and smaller. Then they sent me downtown where the folks who weren't losing jobs were because the operations center was cleared out. I spent the last 2 months or so going to work, checking the 1 computer job I was responsible for maintaining, taking a long lunchtime walk, and surfing the internet.
Keep the lights on sounds ok, but doing nothing new for month after month is not. My soul was being killed bit by bit, piece by piece. Meanwhile at home everything stayed the same. I was still working so it was like the horror of my situation didn't exist. I'm sure from his perspective I became snippy and fussy. I didn't want to have dinner with his family once a week any more, I didn't like this or that. When the disposal broke I lost it and pretty much screamed that he needed to deal with it because I was at my liimit. And to a huge extent that's my greatest fault: I will allow circumstances to take me up onto that line and hold me there without complaining. I walk that tightrope like nothing is wrong until the wind tips me over and I explode.
What came next is almost anti-climactic. I got a new job immediately. But 2008 was the start of the crash and a job in housing materials was not a good place to be. Three months in they cut my pay. The ex and I had a long heart to heart talk that night that started out about my pay and ended up talking about all the issues. He asked if our lack of physical intimacy was an issue, I told him my thoughts of suicide, he worried that he has memory issues, I thought he just didn't care enough to listen. But there was no resolution. There was no discussion of how to make things better. He moped on the living room sofa for a couple of weeks instead. And that planted in my mind that if I wanted things fixed I would have to fix them. So I asked myself what I would gain by fixing them. And then we went to a family party. My family. And he was cluelessly rude to the hostess. I missed it but every fricking one of my family members took me aside to tell me about it. Straw meet camel's back. I decided it just wasn't worth fixing things with someone who cluelessly left me making apologies.
Is that a story, I don't know.
I remember when my little dog Dodger decided he was done taking walks. You'd put the leash on and go outside and he'd flop to the ground. Your choice was go back inside or take him for a drag. Somethings aren't worth the effort. So I looked at my choices: deal with it, try and make things better (aka take him for a drag), or move on. I got divorced. Some days I'm lonely and some days I'm overwhelmed. But I'm not taking anyone for a drag and that is good enough for me.
In January of 2010 Genie did a Living Out Loud writing challenge about past loves. I wrote about some of them but skipped the husband I was in the process of divorcing. In her recap of the entries she mentioned that she was sorry about that because she thought there was a story there. I thought there really wasn't but I think there is.
There are relationships that really look good on paper. They work hard, take care of their home, have enjoyable free time pursuits, they spend time with their child. It looks fabulous. But relationships are about the interaction of people together. The give and take of tasks and stress, pain and pleasure. When those go out of balance for whatever reason someone is left working harder just to keep afloat.
For my Birthday weekend in 2006 (Columbus Day weekend) I went to NY to visit first my sister and then an online buddy. It was a nice visit the family was home the ex was taking the parenting lead. Things weren't fabulous between us (our sex life went AWOL when I was forced off the pill due to high blood pressure) but they were OK. We were all hanging in there working, playing. Frustrations were present but not overwhelming.
The trip wasn't a big deal but it is seared in my memory for 2 reasons: 1) my friend read my cards - not that I'd ever been a huge believer in such things but her reading was spot on. When she flipped the Death card she said something to the effect of it doesn't mean death so much as great change. 2) When I got home and on the Tuesday morning when we were eating breakfast before returning to work my ex found a little tidbit in the paper that upended my whole existence. The bank I worked for had been sold.
For anyone who hasn't lived through a sale or merger it's quite a ride. October 2006 the bank sold but things like that take a very long time to play out. The regulators took 6 months to approve the sale. Then there was 3 months of evaluation of systems and personnel and planning the transfer of everything to the new bank. Eight or Nine months of building tension. Then the layoff packages and the gradual reduction of staff until the end. The eight months were hellish as my first boss spiralled into alcoholism and had an outburst that I called him on that lead to me getting a different boss for the duration at least until he was gone which meant a new boss (etc).
When I went into my official HR meeting my only desire was to go quickly. Instead my separation date was set for 12/31/2007. I wasn't the last employee to go but I was certainly among the last 10. They made it worth my while to stay mind you - retention bonus and a good severance. There wasn't much value in cutting early but staying was hard. For the most of that summer every week there was a going away party that got smaller and smaller and smaller. Then they sent me downtown where the folks who weren't losing jobs were because the operations center was cleared out. I spent the last 2 months or so going to work, checking the 1 computer job I was responsible for maintaining, taking a long lunchtime walk, and surfing the internet.
Keep the lights on sounds ok, but doing nothing new for month after month is not. My soul was being killed bit by bit, piece by piece. Meanwhile at home everything stayed the same. I was still working so it was like the horror of my situation didn't exist. I'm sure from his perspective I became snippy and fussy. I didn't want to have dinner with his family once a week any more, I didn't like this or that. When the disposal broke I lost it and pretty much screamed that he needed to deal with it because I was at my liimit. And to a huge extent that's my greatest fault: I will allow circumstances to take me up onto that line and hold me there without complaining. I walk that tightrope like nothing is wrong until the wind tips me over and I explode.
What came next is almost anti-climactic. I got a new job immediately. But 2008 was the start of the crash and a job in housing materials was not a good place to be. Three months in they cut my pay. The ex and I had a long heart to heart talk that night that started out about my pay and ended up talking about all the issues. He asked if our lack of physical intimacy was an issue, I told him my thoughts of suicide, he worried that he has memory issues, I thought he just didn't care enough to listen. But there was no resolution. There was no discussion of how to make things better. He moped on the living room sofa for a couple of weeks instead. And that planted in my mind that if I wanted things fixed I would have to fix them. So I asked myself what I would gain by fixing them. And then we went to a family party. My family. And he was cluelessly rude to the hostess. I missed it but every fricking one of my family members took me aside to tell me about it. Straw meet camel's back. I decided it just wasn't worth fixing things with someone who cluelessly left me making apologies.
Is that a story, I don't know.
I remember when my little dog Dodger decided he was done taking walks. You'd put the leash on and go outside and he'd flop to the ground. Your choice was go back inside or take him for a drag. Somethings aren't worth the effort. So I looked at my choices: deal with it, try and make things better (aka take him for a drag), or move on. I got divorced. Some days I'm lonely and some days I'm overwhelmed. But I'm not taking anyone for a drag and that is good enough for me.