Vancouver
I find myself more and more confused these days.
I find that I've been an idiot more and more recently too. I've never been to Vancouver, Canada and when my friend wantedc to go up and visit his girlfriend, I jumped at the opportunity. Understand, however, that there are feelings between he and I; neither of us really knows where these feelings lie yet, but things are getting more and more complicated. Before we even came up here, we had agreed to let this play out and that we were only friends, but as I said, things are getting more complicated. What we say we intend and what our heart intends are two different things. I can't stop my emotions any easier than he can and I find myself jealous of his girlfriend and she doesn't deserve that. She's very sweet and very nice. I feel guilty and angry over my feelings for her boyfriend even though, as we had agreed, we are just friends.
I also can't help my paranoia that he's leading me on. Their relationship is rocky, yet I see that it is also fairly stable. It goes against my nature to wish someone hurt, and I have to continually censor myself when it comes to the two of them. I'm so angry I could scream. I need to leave, to get away, to go for a walk or a drive. But where would I go? I'm in a city I'd get lost in just by turning around, there is no where I can go to get away, no where I can hide, no where I can just immerse myself in my own feelings without outside influences.
This is a fine mess I've gotten myself into. The only problem is that I don't know how to get out of it. Even more difficult, I don't think I want to. I've never met anyone like him before, and my feelings toward him are indescribable.
That old feeling has returned, I thougth I'd killed it long ago, but more and more it's come back. Can't I just leave? Can't I just disappear? I just want to run away.
Would that be easier?
I find that I've been an idiot more and more recently too. I've never been to Vancouver, Canada and when my friend wantedc to go up and visit his girlfriend, I jumped at the opportunity. Understand, however, that there are feelings between he and I; neither of us really knows where these feelings lie yet, but things are getting more and more complicated. Before we even came up here, we had agreed to let this play out and that we were only friends, but as I said, things are getting more complicated. What we say we intend and what our heart intends are two different things. I can't stop my emotions any easier than he can and I find myself jealous of his girlfriend and she doesn't deserve that. She's very sweet and very nice. I feel guilty and angry over my feelings for her boyfriend even though, as we had agreed, we are just friends.
I also can't help my paranoia that he's leading me on. Their relationship is rocky, yet I see that it is also fairly stable. It goes against my nature to wish someone hurt, and I have to continually censor myself when it comes to the two of them. I'm so angry I could scream. I need to leave, to get away, to go for a walk or a drive. But where would I go? I'm in a city I'd get lost in just by turning around, there is no where I can go to get away, no where I can hide, no where I can just immerse myself in my own feelings without outside influences.
This is a fine mess I've gotten myself into. The only problem is that I don't know how to get out of it. Even more difficult, I don't think I want to. I've never met anyone like him before, and my feelings toward him are indescribable.
That old feeling has returned, I thougth I'd killed it long ago, but more and more it's come back. Can't I just leave? Can't I just disappear? I just want to run away.
Would that be easier?