Fic: The One Who Never Grieves

[debb]

Plot bunny brought a friend round for dinner.

Title: The One Who Never Grieves
Fandom: Dragon Age 2
Characters: Hawke, Anders, Sebastian
Summary: Grief takes many forms, but Hawke won't let his manifest.



August Hawke wasn't one for crying.

When Bethany died, he didn't shed a tear, instead he threw fireballs, slaughtered darkspawn and argued with Carver all the way to Kirkwall. By the time they'd reached the City of Chains, both Aveline and Leandra had been ready for tossing the brothers overboard. Hawke probably would've done it himself, if he thought he could've gotten away with it.

When Leandra disappears, the doubts begin to invade Hawke's mind, whether he should've killed Gascard DuPuis. Perhaps he knew something after all, perhaps he knew the killer. However the sight of the woman, Alyssa, her terror. On seeing that, he acted, impulsively probably, as he always did. Gascard ran, Hawke followed him and ran straight into shades, a Desire demon and a blocked door. Maker damn it.

He'd thought to take the mage on alone, thought it might've made things easier if he weren't there to summon more Shades. Of course, as his luck normally went, it didn't work out anything like that. He found himself surrounded by Shades, his mana having run out at just the wrong time. He was done for, could feel the wall against his back, the floor suddenly becoming closer and closer, darkness invading his vision. Then he's caught, someone's arm around his shoulders and hissing into his ear "Don't you dare!"
Ah, Anders has found him. He knew there was a reason he loved him so much.

Anders heals him, shoves a lyrium bottle into his hand then he is shoved behind the other mage while he takes a few moments to recover. Oh he's going to get an earful for this, he's sure. He rejoins the fight, Fenris and Isabela now having caught up with them. The barrier blocking the door disappears when the Desire demon falls and Hawke sprints through it, firing spells at Gascard in quick succession. He falls and they return to Hawke's home, heading out for the Gallows the next morning to report Gascard's death.

The day starts out badly, Emeric disappears only to turn up dead in an alleyway later that night then Hawke returns home to Gamlen. It gets worse when Bodahn reports that white lilies have been sent to Leandra. Hawke goes cold.

He rushes out of the house, barely giving Anders enough time to grab his staff again and follows Gamlen back down to Lowtown. They don't talk, Gamlen's face set into an expression of worry that seems to age him. Anders has been sent to collect Isabela and Fenris, even if he's not sure that was his brightest of ideas, but he has to go, has to get there as quickly as possible before...No. He's not going to think it. Mother will be fine, they'll get there in time and he can rant and rave as much as he wants to her. Or at her. Whichever.

Emeric's words haunt him: "what if it was someone you loved". Well now it was. Now it was his mother missing. Now it was quite possibly her blood trail they're following into the Foundry. Now perhaps Gascard DuPuis's tracking spell or whatever it was could've taken them directly to his mother, could've found her right away instead of wasting precious time when they could be there already. He's kicking himself that he ended up killing the man that could've helped, blood magic or no.

It's the smell that gets him once they enter the Foundry. Of rot, of decay. Of death. It's enough to make him gag. It only gets worse the further in they go. They find someone has been living here, books are on shelves, a bed with a portrait above it. The portrait looks like Mother...

He hurries even more then. Fights his way through the shades, demons and Maker knows what else. They all merge into one being for Hawke. Simply an obstacle, something standing in his way, something standing between him and his mother and getting her back. Perhaps he should've gone to get Carver...Maker, what's he going to say? It's been up to Hawke to look after Mother, now he's failed in that, Carver will have a fit. Nothing new. Even if they do - when, August, when you get her back he reminds himself - Carver will piss and moan over the fact she was taken at all. As if he won't be feeling bad enough over this fact.

They find the man, a mage. Why is it always mages? Hawke thinks sourly. The mage is kneeling next to something he can't quite see. It's person shaped. To the right there's a body...
To the right there's a body. No, no, no, he's not too late. He can't be too late. He's not going to lose his mother as well, he's not. It could be anyone's. Ninnete, Mharen, this madman seems the type that he would keep their decaying corpses. It's one of them, it's not Mother.
The madman rambles on about the Maker and he moves in front of the chair where the thing sits, staring down at it, in reverence almost.

"I pieced her together from memory," he tells them, "I found her eyes, her skin, her delicate fingers..." He slips a hand under its chin, lifting the head up. "And at last, her beautiful face..."

Something in the back of his mind tells him not to look. That he doesn't want to see. That Mother isn't here so they shouldn't be either. It stands up from the chair, limbs flailing awkwardly, as if it's not used to them being there. It walks around, he can see it now. See her. It's Mother.
Her eyes are lifeless, the stitches around her neck fresh. Her mouth opens, as if she's going to speak but no sound comes out. Hawke's eyes widen.
It's Mother.

The mage raises the corpses littered around the room, Hawke can't take his eyes from the form of his Mother. It's Fenris's shout that shakes him into action. He spins around, staff drawn, spell at the ready.
Even as they fight, Hawke's gaze drifts back to Leandra. She shuffles a step forward, stumbles and stops, limbs still flailing. There's no life in her, none at all. Her eyes are dead, empty. She's gone, long gone and yet she's standing right there watching him. He tries not to look, really, really tries. It's no use. He can't help staring at his mother's corpse, not even her corpse, her decapitated head. The sick, twisted bastard cut off her head and stitched it another woman's body.

The fight passes as a blur, swings his staff and casts spells automatically. The mage falls, as do the last of the corpses. Hawke turns to his mother.

She stumbles forward towards him and he catches her, carefully lowers her to the ground, takes her hand and stares into those dead eyes.

"There's nothing I can do, his magic was keeping her alive," Anders tells him.
Hawke glares over his shoulder. He's about to argue, Anders is a healer, surely he can do something.
"I knew you would come..." Mother says. It's her voice. Her voice coming from that body and Hawke turns back, tries to smile.
"Don't I always?" he says. "Mother, we'll get you help, we'll do something..." He doesn't know what, doesn't know what he can do.
"Shh, darling. I'm free. That man would've kept me trapped in here."
It's wrong of him to want to do something, anything, to keep her there, keep her with him. He doesn't want her to go, he doesn't want to lose his mother.
"I get to see Bethany again, and your father." She looks at him, concern on her face. "But you'll be alone..."
He takes a breath. He won't have her worrying for him in her final moments. She's worried for him his entire life, he won't have her worrying in death.
"I'll be fine Mother..." he tells her. He can't meet her eyes when he says it.
"My little boy...has grown so strong." She smiles slightly. "I love you...You've always made me so proud..."

She goes limp, her eyes rolling back into her head. He shakes her, she doesn't move, the magic has finally worn off. She's gone, his mother is dead.

Anders is the first to go to him, placing both hands on his shoulders and tries to guide him away from the body. Hawke doesn't move. He stays on his knees, staring at the corpse. Anders tries again to move him, fails again, though Hawke does lean back into him.
"Give him a few moments mage, you can't force him to go," Fenris snaps.
Hawke turns and pleads silently with Anders not to argue with him, not here, not now.
Anders nods and doesn't answer Fenris.

Eventually he does get up. "I suppose I'll have to pass the news on to Uncle Gamlen," he says quietly.
"Do you want me there when you do?" Anders asks.
He shakes his head.
Anders frowns and looks ready to argue.
"Please."
"All right."

He looks to the body of the mage, wants to set it alight, do something to it just to defile it. Why should he not suffer the same as his mother did? He doesn't care it would make him no better, he just wants to do something, anything to get this man back. Death doesn't seem to be nearly enough. He tears his gaze away, starts walking.

It's hours later when he reaches the estate and the moment he enters it, he wants nothing more than to get back out. He changes out of his blood covered robes, dumps them on the floor. He wanders into the study and it's here where Gamlen finds him.

"Did you find her?" Gamlen says, the note of hope in his voice is enough to make him break down. Almost.
"I'm sorry Uncle, she's gone," Hawke tells him.

Gamlen is the one who breaks down and he rages at Hawke, blaming him. Hawke lets him. Mother did the same when Bethany died. When he's finished, he asks why Leandra was taken from them. Hawke doesn't have it in him to tell his uncle the reasons.
Thankfully it is Gamlen who'll tell Carver the news. He stops briefly, looks over his shoulder to Hawke and tells him, "Take care, my boy" before he leaves.
Those four words are enough to undo him.

Almost.

Anders returns to the estate to find it empty save for the hound and Bodahn with no idea where the mage has gone. He sighs, decides to wait for a while, perhaps Hawke will return on his own. Not bleeding likely, he thinks. He can't blame him, not really. With Carver in the Templars and before he moved in, it was only Hawke and his mother rattling around the place. Now Leandra is gone...

It's been a long night, now made even longer. After an hour or so, Anders starts to pace, not even realising he's doing it. Still no sign of Hawke. He has a mind to go after him, despite he's not sure just where to start. He doubts Hawke would've gone back to Gamlen's, he hated it. The clinic? It would be closed up for the night, no point in going there. Hanged Man. Has to be, it's the only other place left he can think of.

He gives it another half hour, this is all the waiting he can take, then heads out to Lowtown to where his lover is.

Sure enough, Anders finds Hawke in the Hanged Man. He's asleep, thank the Maker, and Varric corners him the moment he steps into the building.

"All right Blondie, fill me in here, I couldn't get much out of the Rivaini," Varric says, leaning over the table.
"Is Hawke here?" Anders answers.
Varric nods. "Calm down. The Rivaini took him to bed."
"She what?"
"Not like that." Varric sighs. "Andraste's ass...What happened out there?"
Anders tells him of the night's events, Varric's expression growing grim, some colour from his face lost when Anders recounts Leandra's fate.
"Holy shit..."
There's not a lot else that can be said.

Anders goes through, finds Hawke awake again, staring at the ceiling. He sits in the chair next to the bed, Hawke barely acknowledges him.
"Are you..." he stops short. Don't ask him if he's all right, of course he's not. "I wondered where you'd got to."
Hawke shrugs.
He doesn't want to talk, that's fine. Anders doesn't push it and instead reaches for Hawke's hand. Hawke turns away from him, lying on his side. While it shouldn't hurt, that it's Hawke who is hurting, who is angry and taking it out on whoever is closest, it does. Anders tries to ignore it and stays by Hawke's side, eventually dozing off.

He wakens, in the bed, Hawke missing once more. There's a note next to him, "Gone to find some Qunari. Be home by dinner. Make sure Sandal doesn't cook again."
All right Hawke, if this is how he wants to try and deal with it, Anders will let him.

It's a week later and Hawke still hasn't even tried to grieve for his mother. The search for the Qunari resulted in them turning up dead, Hawke staying long enough to eat something then returning to the Hanged Man.

He isn't sleeping, Anders has discovered this and already trying offering a sleeping draught. He refused it. Varric and Anders had teamed up to make sure that he ate something, while he slunk off and let Isabela ply him with drink and carry him to the room he'd bought at the Hanged Man. He won't stay at the estate, spends bare minimum of time there and ends up in Anders's clinic, trying to make himself useful, however ultimately, ends up getting under his lover's feet while he tries to work.

He gives this up, wanders off and goes back to Hightown. He briefly considers returning home, however gets as far as the seeing the crest from a distance then does an about turn. He ends up in the Chantry, of all places, and he hangs around there, mostly ignored until Sebastian finds him.

"Hawke, I heard what happened to your mother. I'm so sorry," he says.
Hawke just nods. Of course Sebastian has heard, everyone has heard. The gossips of Hightown have been working overtime to make sure this is spread.
"I've put her name on the remembrance wall."
Once more Hawke nods. "Thank you." He sighs and leans against a wall. "Tell me something, just how did you...deal with it, when your family was killed?" He feels as if he's prying, asking for information that seems just too personal. Yet, there's no one else he can think of that might offer some advice beyond get blind drunk.
Sebastian frowns, for a moment Hawke thinks he isn't going to answer. "Badly, at first." He too leans on the wall. "I can't tell you how to deal with your grief, whatever worked for me won't necessarily get you through this."
Damn it, and here he was hoping for something a little more.
"The best advice I can give is to take it a day at a time. The pain will start to fade and you'll be able to remember her more fondly than just how she died."

It probably is the best advice he can hope for. Nothing preachy, just sense. Hawke nods and for the first time in a week, he goes home.

The house feels too big without Mother. He walks in the front door, beginning to call for her, only to stop short. She's not there, she's not going to answer him. Not going to be there to welcome him home, fuss over him if he looks a little worse for wear. Those thoughts bring a lump to his throat and he retreats to his room.

It's here that Anders finds him, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"I didn't think I'd find you here," Anders says and sits next to him.
"If I leave the house empty much longer, I might as well stick a sign up outside 'House empty, feel free to burgle'. Mother would come back and haunt me," he answers, trying to joke. It feels forced, it is forced and they both know it.
"Are you planning on staying then? Not going back to the Hanged Man later."
Hawke shakes his head. "I have to do this sooner or later. Better to get it over with." He looks to Anders, reaching over and takes his hand. "I...appreciate you being there for me, these past few days."
"I'll keep being here for you, whatever you need."
"You know I keep expecting Carver to come barging in and start shouting at me."
Anders snorts. "He'd better not."
"At the very least, I'm surprised he hasn't been in to blame me for everything, like he usually does."
Anders puts his arm around Hawke's shoulders and pulls him that bit closer. "Don't blame yourself, you did everything you could."

The anger returns, swift and with avengeance. He stands up and goes to the fireplace, glaring at the flames. "Why not? Everyone else seems to. Uncle Gamlen, Carver, probably even Mother if she were here," Hawke snaps. A lump grows in his throat and he tries to swallow it, choke back the tears that are insistent on coming.
"Because it's not your fault." Anders joins him at the fireplace, hands on his shoulders and this is all it takes for the dam to burst. He gives up trying to hold back the tears, turns and falls against Anders, his forehead resting against the feathered shoulder pad. Pauldron. Whatever it's meant to be.
Anders holds him and he cries, for his Mother, for Bethany, who he never got a chance to say goodbye to, who he misses but barely speaks of, for his father, who in this moment he simply wants back. He cries for them all and finally grieves for the loss of his family.

Constructive criticism appreciated as always.