(no subject)
I'm having trouble figuring myself out lately. I feel almost happy, content, but beneath it is a feeling of dread I cannot identify. Is it the knowledge that things are only at a standstill and I'm only fooling myself? Or is it the fear of this and I'm letting paranoia get a hold of me. I'm trying to enjoy these lighter moods without analyzing myself into depression, really I am.
I'm happy for andrea and joel, I think it could turn into something really wonderful, but I'm also scared for her, and myself. I don't want her to be hurt, I don't think she could survive another experience like frank. and I worry about our friendship. mostly because she seems worried. she is right in saying that relationships often ruin friendships. Particularly when the friends are as fickel as most of us are. It's not that we don't genuinely love her, it's just that I foresee changes that will create space, space that I am not strong enough to overcome. I guess I had harbored the secret desire that we would either all grow up simultaneously or never really grow up at all. Just be lonely and miserable together in the grips of our co-dependency.
Greg's love life I've never really understood. he seems to go out with guys, not because he's genuineley interested in them, but because he likes to have a boyfriend. I understand that most of the time he doesn't have one and that there isn't much selection out there for him, but still, it has to eat away at him. Right now he is just building up the nerve to break up with Atom. i feel for greg, he seems to be the puzzle piece that just doesn't fit anywhere.
which leads us right into my love life and the whole debacle between miller and myself. I'm not particularly angry, there was nothing official between us. It was the way I had to find out, through suspicions and second-hand information. the fact that he didn't have the balls to just tell me that he was interested in someone else upsets me. And the fact that no one else had the the respect to let me know what was going on, particularly stung. I guess mostly I'm disappointed in his character, but I realize that that is my fault, really. I worked him up in my mind as being something he wasn't. I've noticed this pattern with men. I start filling in the blanks before I really get to know them, and am therefore always disappointed.
My experience with miller hasn't been a big deal, though. I never got all that attached to him. I was crushing rather hard because it had been so long since I'd been interested in anyone, but we never actually bonded. I still consider us friends, though I can't expect much of our friendship after such a stilting experience. I realize part of his trepidation in talking to me was the fear that I would cut off our friendship, and in doing so alienate him from some of my closest friends. The fact that he would think that of me just shows how little we know each other.
Of course, I'm really not the one to speak of character. I've done some decidedly dishonorable things in the past, and know the bite of human err. And my own talent for oblivion of the obvious played a hand in it. Which brings me to fry. I had previously dismissed his attentions as friendliness, caught up in my own problems, but I finally realized there was more.
the night we all partied at his house I was hurting from indefinable actions, my pride having been thoroughly trashed. I was drunk, confused, ready for an emotional breakdown, and fry was there for me. Instead of being miserable and bitchy I turned to being social, focusing most of my attention on him. We talked, wrestled, danced, and generally acted like five-year-olds. It was all innocent, but as the night progressed some of his comments hinted at a more intense affection for me. Some light flirtation ensued, to which I responded shyly. the attention was a salve to my wounded pride and seemed excitingly pure of ulterior motives. the next thing i knew we were "second hand smoking" which progressed into some first, tentative kisses. for a long time we kissed, pressed tightly to each other, forgetting about the rest of the people in the house. It could have gone a lot further but I was not ready for that. At the time I wasn't sure about his intentions toward me, and the last thing I needed after my morally tarnishing interactions with chris was a one night stand. so we found our way upstairs and fell asleep in his bed wrapped around one another like familiar blankets. I had felt bad at the time that there was no real resolution with miller, but I certainly couldn't regret it. A week later I was surprised to find him pressing his suit, so to speak. I honestly hardly know him, but he was so passionate and sincere, has a way of making me feel so comforted. I told him, yes, I would like to commit. greg officiated it, we kissed, reveled for a moment, then proceeded to mingle with everyone, wearing each other like excellent arm candy. We were obnoxiously cute all night. I loved it. I think things are going to turn out for the good.
I'm happy for andrea and joel, I think it could turn into something really wonderful, but I'm also scared for her, and myself. I don't want her to be hurt, I don't think she could survive another experience like frank. and I worry about our friendship. mostly because she seems worried. she is right in saying that relationships often ruin friendships. Particularly when the friends are as fickel as most of us are. It's not that we don't genuinely love her, it's just that I foresee changes that will create space, space that I am not strong enough to overcome. I guess I had harbored the secret desire that we would either all grow up simultaneously or never really grow up at all. Just be lonely and miserable together in the grips of our co-dependency.
Greg's love life I've never really understood. he seems to go out with guys, not because he's genuineley interested in them, but because he likes to have a boyfriend. I understand that most of the time he doesn't have one and that there isn't much selection out there for him, but still, it has to eat away at him. Right now he is just building up the nerve to break up with Atom. i feel for greg, he seems to be the puzzle piece that just doesn't fit anywhere.
which leads us right into my love life and the whole debacle between miller and myself. I'm not particularly angry, there was nothing official between us. It was the way I had to find out, through suspicions and second-hand information. the fact that he didn't have the balls to just tell me that he was interested in someone else upsets me. And the fact that no one else had the the respect to let me know what was going on, particularly stung. I guess mostly I'm disappointed in his character, but I realize that that is my fault, really. I worked him up in my mind as being something he wasn't. I've noticed this pattern with men. I start filling in the blanks before I really get to know them, and am therefore always disappointed.
My experience with miller hasn't been a big deal, though. I never got all that attached to him. I was crushing rather hard because it had been so long since I'd been interested in anyone, but we never actually bonded. I still consider us friends, though I can't expect much of our friendship after such a stilting experience. I realize part of his trepidation in talking to me was the fear that I would cut off our friendship, and in doing so alienate him from some of my closest friends. The fact that he would think that of me just shows how little we know each other.
Of course, I'm really not the one to speak of character. I've done some decidedly dishonorable things in the past, and know the bite of human err. And my own talent for oblivion of the obvious played a hand in it. Which brings me to fry. I had previously dismissed his attentions as friendliness, caught up in my own problems, but I finally realized there was more.
the night we all partied at his house I was hurting from indefinable actions, my pride having been thoroughly trashed. I was drunk, confused, ready for an emotional breakdown, and fry was there for me. Instead of being miserable and bitchy I turned to being social, focusing most of my attention on him. We talked, wrestled, danced, and generally acted like five-year-olds. It was all innocent, but as the night progressed some of his comments hinted at a more intense affection for me. Some light flirtation ensued, to which I responded shyly. the attention was a salve to my wounded pride and seemed excitingly pure of ulterior motives. the next thing i knew we were "second hand smoking" which progressed into some first, tentative kisses. for a long time we kissed, pressed tightly to each other, forgetting about the rest of the people in the house. It could have gone a lot further but I was not ready for that. At the time I wasn't sure about his intentions toward me, and the last thing I needed after my morally tarnishing interactions with chris was a one night stand. so we found our way upstairs and fell asleep in his bed wrapped around one another like familiar blankets. I had felt bad at the time that there was no real resolution with miller, but I certainly couldn't regret it. A week later I was surprised to find him pressing his suit, so to speak. I honestly hardly know him, but he was so passionate and sincere, has a way of making me feel so comforted. I told him, yes, I would like to commit. greg officiated it, we kissed, reveled for a moment, then proceeded to mingle with everyone, wearing each other like excellent arm candy. We were obnoxiously cute all night. I loved it. I think things are going to turn out for the good.