this long over due progress report

[deathtosilence]

speak in parrables, and no one knows the wiser, that inside theres this hurt. it took someone dear nearly dying, and then someone close pinning me down to make me see that... but theres an end in sight, and its not the bottle of resposado i used keep under my bed next to the bottle of tylenol pm, they were waiting for the right circumstance too... im just sick of living this lie, it truely is the last block in the way, and tomorrow, ill tell them how i feel... they'll know that im alive, and that i do love life, amoung other things, and with their take on it, i'll know that they love me, or that they dont. and either way, im just ready for that closure. if i can face this jury, i will be able to show my face and know that im ok. but every day starts out as a lie, and ends as one, and every day it snowballs, and things only get worse and deeper and farther along, and its time to put this to an end. i said a month ago that i needed to start to fix me, to make me presentable again, and i did quit drinking, theres no longer instruments of suicide scattered around my room, i replaced them all with things that i love, pictures of those im close to, and of those i wish i was closer to, pads of paper to write music on, just any simple thing i can find to ensure that im ok. and the door to my room, although usually closed, has been unlocked for weeks. and in these final days, all ive wanted was to rebuild the ties that ive broken, that ive cut off. its a work in progress, but this is for all to see, and for all eyes to judge, because im no longer afraid, this is me, heart on my sleeve for everyone to view, transparent, honest, true.

and with this said, i have my peace.
and im sorry that it did take so much to come around, but this is where i am, and although the words may not come when im face to face with all of you, you've all been there in ways that i will appreciate more than you will ever know.

im still not sure im ready to go to california, but everything ive done lately has been about chance, and i just know i cant miss out.