Dec 24, 2006 14:19
Wow, LJ has totally changed since I last used it.
I'm writing because I've had a sudden moment of clarity in my muddled, contradictory mind. And it is this: I'm tired of being muddled and contradictory. I really hate feeling moody and doubtful and confused and restless. So I've decided not to feel that way anymore.
See, yesterday, I realized that I have a really fucked up mode of thinking. I actually make myself unhappy by allowing myself to dwell on negative thoughts, memories, and ideas. And its really, really stupid. I hate that a single thought can ruin my mood or even my day. I hate even more that it affects my relationships as well. How many times have I purposefully pushed someone away for a totally bullshit reason? And how many times have I gotten scared and either broken up with a guy or sabotaged a relationship?
Anyway, the bottom line is, I'm really tired of my own behavior. For a long time, I've had this escapist mentality--always thinking that I'd be happier somewhere else/with someone else/doing something else. The grass isn't greener on the other side. I have everything I need--the only thing left to do is allow myself to be happy. Fuck the past... I'm letting it all go. For the first time in my life, I'm going to commit to what I have now.