Revolutions and revelations.
This is why I shouldn't stay up late. I get needlessly emotional.
I feel so lost. I don't want to go back to England, but I know that there's nothing here for me either. In another week, all my good friends will be back at their respective colleges, and I'll be left packing for a trip I don't know I want to take. Is there no place on earth that will make me content?
Argh, I get so tired of this self-examination. I guess it kind of comes with the territory though. Fuck, I'm barely still a teenager! What the hell am I going to do with my life? I actually fear for my future because I'm almost completely unable to hold a job. Not because I'm bad (which I am) or stupid, but because I HATE it. I absolutely despise being told what to do by people who I know for a fact are stupid jackasses. Besides, I care so little for money that the paycheck feels as empty and meaningless as the work.
Seriously though, what can I possibly do with my life? Write?! Do I even have any talent?! I'm really not sure, since the only writing I do lately is to bitch about how much I suck at life.
Sometimes I wonder if my life has any particular meaning. I'm reasonably clever, but then again, lots of people are. I'm passionate, but not about any one thing. My cynicism prevents me from throwing myself whole-heartedly into anything. It also prevents me from becoming too close to anyone, so I doubt my life will suddenly be made worthwhile by some asshole soul mate. Also, I have the work ethic of a log, so it's not like I have the patience or the drive to accomplish anything through sheer will. An interesting bag of tricks, eh? Life sucks for the mediocre and uninspired.
It's for people like me that religion was created. Here's an average Joe (or Jane), feeling a bit lost and unsure of what to do with his life. How easy would it be for some Mormon/Scientologist/Christian to burst through my door and convert me? All they'd have to say is that my life is precious and meaningful, and that all I need to worry about is dedicating my life to God. All I have to do is sign over my soul and begin my personal search for Jesus! [Heh, that reminds me of a conversation Ross and I had. "Apparently Christianity is like a huge game of Sardines. Jesus is hiding and we must find him!"]
Anyway, fuck that. The happiest times of my life were when I made a conscious effort to be easy-going, hard-working, and compassionate. Maybe all I need is a change of attitude. Maybe that's all anyone really needs.
I feel so lost. I don't want to go back to England, but I know that there's nothing here for me either. In another week, all my good friends will be back at their respective colleges, and I'll be left packing for a trip I don't know I want to take. Is there no place on earth that will make me content?
Argh, I get so tired of this self-examination. I guess it kind of comes with the territory though. Fuck, I'm barely still a teenager! What the hell am I going to do with my life? I actually fear for my future because I'm almost completely unable to hold a job. Not because I'm bad (which I am) or stupid, but because I HATE it. I absolutely despise being told what to do by people who I know for a fact are stupid jackasses. Besides, I care so little for money that the paycheck feels as empty and meaningless as the work.
Seriously though, what can I possibly do with my life? Write?! Do I even have any talent?! I'm really not sure, since the only writing I do lately is to bitch about how much I suck at life.
Sometimes I wonder if my life has any particular meaning. I'm reasonably clever, but then again, lots of people are. I'm passionate, but not about any one thing. My cynicism prevents me from throwing myself whole-heartedly into anything. It also prevents me from becoming too close to anyone, so I doubt my life will suddenly be made worthwhile by some asshole soul mate. Also, I have the work ethic of a log, so it's not like I have the patience or the drive to accomplish anything through sheer will. An interesting bag of tricks, eh? Life sucks for the mediocre and uninspired.
It's for people like me that religion was created. Here's an average Joe (or Jane), feeling a bit lost and unsure of what to do with his life. How easy would it be for some Mormon/Scientologist/Christian to burst through my door and convert me? All they'd have to say is that my life is precious and meaningful, and that all I need to worry about is dedicating my life to God. All I have to do is sign over my soul and begin my personal search for Jesus! [Heh, that reminds me of a conversation Ross and I had. "Apparently Christianity is like a huge game of Sardines. Jesus is hiding and we must find him!"]
Anyway, fuck that. The happiest times of my life were when I made a conscious effort to be easy-going, hard-working, and compassionate. Maybe all I need is a change of attitude. Maybe that's all anyone really needs.