When will I learn?
Why do I push everyone away? The people I trust, the people I love and care about, my friends, my family.. I have low tolerance for anything out of my comfort zone. I am impatient and needy. I am in a 'bad place' right now and I'm stuck there. In this ... rut. Where nothing is getting better, everything is mediocre and nothing is worth anything. I have lost control of my life, my emotions, my everything... nothing seems within my reach. I keep losing people because I can't handle working for anything. I have so many faults, and flaws I don't even know how to change. I am no longer dwelling on living here, or not having any friends, or anyone I'm close too here to talk to. I used to be able to talk to my mom about my life. I can't even talk to my mom about how school was. I feel like she doesn't care and I don't even care that she doesn't care. I find myself talking to my dad about my life more because I know he won't be judging me by it. My mom is a completely different person, friend, mom, woman, wife/ex-wife. She is lost in her own little world. She doesn't even know who she is anymore. No one seems to know anything. Nothing makes sense. Nothing feels good. Nothing makes anybody NOTICABLEY happy... But, I try not to dwell on everything I've lost or what else I might loose anymore... I keep myself afloat by reminding myself that in 2 years... it all goes away. The reality of my life at this stage will be out of mind, and out of sight. I know I can't explain anything to anyone and because of that some of my friendships with people have been affected or ruined. Also because I hold nothing indredibley close to me anymore. Everything let's you down, unless you mess it up first. I am NOT a good friend. WASN'T a good friend. A good friend wouldn't listen to you talk but not hear what you're saying. A good friend wouldn't look past something you are saying to get to what they wants to say. A good friend wouldn't hurt their friends. A good friend wouldn't write meaningless LiveJournal entries about how she is tired of knowing you. A good PERSON wouldn't RUIN other peoples ideas or goals or morals or principles by openly stating her disagreements. I'm sorry, Colin. For being a bitch because I don't always get my way and not caring enough about you to let us be okay as whatever we were when we weren't much. I pushed you and pushed you. I probably really hurt you, and I'm sorry. I am sorry Allison, because you put up with more of my shit than anyone and you handle it better than anyone ever will. I am sorry, Sarah...because you are nothing less than an amazing human being and all I do is damage that small, reminaing friendship we have from different states. I am sorry Tasha, MY Tasha... because I didn't support you when you needed me to support you. What are freaking best friends for? I should have been there for you standing behind your decisions the whole time...who cares what I want...it can't always be about what I want. It's what you wanted, and what you got... I just couldn't see that through my own selfish eyes. I am sorry Chelsea, for making it seem like I wasn't interested in our friendship anymore. I'm sorry Robby, and Jesse and Jared and Wes and Scott and Lucas and Travis and Aleah and Tara and Kristen and Amanda and Nik and Ben and Eric and Sarah Miller and Nicole and Chris and Kara and Sarah Schubel and every single person I ever lost touch with. Every single person I stopped 'caring' about. I used to talk to all of you...but then I got so caught up in my own world that I ... forgot all about you, and what you all meant to me. I stopped giving a damn about anyone but myself. I can say that right now...nothing has changed. How long has it been since I have TALKED to any of you? How long? How long since we had a conversation about something that meant something to either of us? Why do I do this, you're probably wondering... and I don't actually have an answer... because I don't honestly know. I have no excuses, but I have no regrets. Had I not neglected you or hurt you or punished you for my negative emotions or shared MY pain with you I wouldn't be having this..whatever this is...right now. I can't say much for my actions in the past anymore, but I think I'm finally growing as a person. Most of you won't ever see this, or read this... some of you won't care and a few of you will actually understand this, if I already fucked us up, I am genuinely sorry... but I am an idiot, and I do say the wrong thing...a lot, and I do do the wrong thing, a lot. I am a selfish person. All I do is take, and all I want to do is give back. Tell me how to give back...