I'm trying to try.
I think I need to fix a lot of things about myself before I'll be happy. Things currently, not amazing. But I think the only reason they are bad at all is because I make them bad. I refuse to look at the positive because it is so much easier to be negative. It takes so much more of my effort to put on that happy face and to make the best of a not good situation. It's depressing sometimes to have to think that much into the negative. It's stressful and disappointing. People are saying I've changed. But maybe they've changed. People say I look different. But maybe they're just seeing me different. I have let my life slip through my hands, and I keep struggling to pick up where I left off in Maryland. The atmosphere here is different, the lifestyle is different, the school environment, the resturants, the clothes, the malls, the people. Nothing feels like home yet. It could also be because I am not ready to let go of certain things that I've lost in the last couple months or the last couple weeks or last couple days. That fear of being open-minded about this 'new life' is right at the front of my mind in everything I do and everything I say. It's not as easy as it looks to be where I am. I know it might look that way because maybe 'you've been there' or 'you can relate,' but can you? Can you actually put yourself in my shoes and be optimisitc 24 hours a day 7 days a week and not always be thinking about that other life you had just a few months ago. It hits so quick right where it hurts and only when you never see it coming. And then something else hits, and then something else, and something else...in pattern, reoccuring... and reoccuring. 'Things will get better.' Well let's give it a time limit. A month? A year? How about how long until things actually get worse. Because they will. That's life, that is logic, that is fact. Things don't ALWAYS look up, things don't ALWAYS get better. Something remain shit for the rest of peoples lives. But maybe, that is because those people are like me. See, I told you. I do this. I refuse to see the good. It is in everything. It's there when I sleep, when I wake up, when I'm at school, in the car, at the store, watching television, in the shower, on the phone... I am only letting the bad, ugly things weight heaviest on my shoulders. I would give anything to not feel sick everyday because of stress, and not to be upset at everything that isn't perfect or mad when I don't get my way or annoyed or impatient with people who are just a little bit different from me or think in a different way or eat in a differnt way or drive a different way, even breath a different way. I am WAY to judgemental of others and I set way too high of standards that no one will ever meet. It's like no one will ever measure up to anything worthy enough of my friendship or my love. I don't care enough about myself to let myself give people that. Not yet. But that is really what I want to change. I want to try and understand why people do what they do. What makes people act the way they act. I want to stop being so impatient and start listening, and start learning. I want to start seeing things I never really gave the chance or looked at before.