01 HP:Philosopher’s Stone
Hey guys, I hope you don’t mind me posting yet another chapter commentary.
Just for fun I decided to count some things during this commentary:
Crime Count: Times when the supposed good guys break rules/law
Death Count: When our protagonist could die.
Freud Would Be Proud: The text is suggestive in some way or this commentator’s brain managed to connect perfectly innocent sentence with less than innocent image.
Leap of Logic: The character’s actions/plans/’deductions’ don’t make sense to the point where it hurts to try analyse it
Uncovered: There is this secret society/organisation/plan that is supposed to be hidden, but due to actions of certain characters it’s miracle that they remain secret.
Spell Count: This book is supposed to about boy learning how to do magic, so let’s count who and how many spells casted.
Most of this is highly subjective. *Shrugs*
Ch1 The Boy Who Lived
>Durslays are family of, what appears to be, post-nuclear-fallout mutants. As such I approve their struggle to lead normal life.
>”...[Potters] were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be.” By which author means that they were vicious bigoted pair of bullies who hated anything that... Oh...
>If I was Lily’s sister I also wouldn’t want to own up. Heck, If possible I would move to other side of globe, just to avoid her.
>The story starts on Tuesday. One has to wonder if Rowling is Buffy fangirl.
>Vernon, who is director in his company, picks the most boring tie for work as opposed to Albus who, as a teacher went to meet his student’s guardian, wearing ensemble worth of a pimp. I didn’t catch it back when I first read the series, but criticising people who look and act competent was there from the start.
>Vernon acts like a normal human being all while the narrative ridicules him for not falling for plot hooks. It’s like sitting in brain of annoyed GM. ‘How can you ignore this odd cat?? How about those funny people in cloaks? No? Have some owls and rumours! God damn it, pick up the friggin quest!!’
>Also in this chapter, one of the biggest inconsistencies of the books starts: Wizards must stay hidden from non magical humans, but are too stupid to live. Stay tuned for more! +1 to Uncovered
>Woah, James and Lily had to make a really strong impression on Vernon, if upon hearing last name that 0.05% of the British Isles population bear, his first thought is to rush back to his workplace and check on his wife. Also, it’s so sweet of him that he doesn’t want to pointlessly worry Petunia.
>+1 to Uncovered, for this crazy elderly wizard who cannot stop himself from blabbing.
>Narrative is pretty judgemental about Dudley learning how to say ‘won’t’, but all I can imagine is little Harry who learnt ‘woe me’ a few days earlier.
>So Minerva spend about 12 hours sitting near Privet Drive 4. No sleep, no food and no water. Just sitting stiffly on cold concrete all day. And she is over 50 here?
>Apparently Privet Drive was never visited by retired pimp with very long beard. I can believe that.
>Albus has long broken nose, because he stuck it where it doesn’t belong. I bet Harry envies it.
>Dumbledore turns off all street lights in Privet Drive. Meanwhile those silly muggles start to phone every possible alarm number to get someone to check this out.
>Dumbledore didn’t know for sure that the cat was Minerva? Now I’m imagining a police patrol car stumbling upon Albus who is talking to random tabby in complete darkness.
>A reasonable and smart (for a character of this book) McGonagall? Dear god did I fall into mirror world? Even with her talking about Muggles like they are brain addled toddlers, I cannot believe she is the most reasonable character in the scene. Then again the only other characters in this part of the chapter are Albus and Hagrid... so...
>I cannot stop myself from noticing that in my version of ebook it says ‘his proper name: Voldemort’. Not his true name. Not his real name. No, it’s ‘his proper name’, as in fitting or suitable. Quite sly of Albus.
>How exactly did everyone know that Voldie went to visit Potters? Their house was blown up and there was no Dark Mark hanging over it- not usual modus operandi of Voldie and his bros. Then there is Hagrid and Sirius. Sirius went chasing after Peter and had mental breakdown-so not really in a shape to talk or contemplate about how his best friend died. Hagrid on the other hand shouldn’t know much about what exactly happened at that house, unless somebody told him...
>”’We can only guess.’(...)’We may never know’” Well that is not the song you will sing in a decade Albus.
>While Minerva’s dramatics are eye-roll worthy, I kind of agree, leaving Harry on Durslays’ doorstep with only letter is horrible idea. Telling someone that their sister is dead and that they have to take care of their nephew or else, through a letter is not only callous, but borderline sociopathic.
>Yes Albus, because throwing eleven year old into world where he is celebrity is so much better than gradually teaching him how to handle this kind of situation from the start.
>Who is running Hogwarts right now? Dumbledore spend last 24 hours avoiding his responsibilities and Minerva spend whole day uselessly sitting in middle of muggle neighbourhood.
>Hagrid was trusted with bringing Harry to Privet Drive. If it weren’t for Plot Armour, Harry would die via falling from flying motorcycle. +1 to Death Count
>The rumble of the engine would suggest that the said engine is vital for flying, yet we never learn how this is supposed to work. Probably for the best *still shudders from magic-is-genetic-trait explanation*
>Also +1 to Uncovered for flying on giant motorcycle here.
>Hagrid grabbed Harry from the house before any kind of authority could investigate. Without permission of his legal guardian? Well I would call it kidnapping. +1 to Crime Count
>Scars can come handy, Minerva! This one, for example will give me a good excuse to send a young man on suicide march!
>Hagrid acts like a savage he is- I mean he acts in very rational way! Howling like a ‘wounded dog’ in middle of a night is perfectly normal.
>”Good luck, Harry.” Said Dumbledore as he left a toddler on a doorstep on November night, protected only by a blanket. For that alone I should give million Death Count points for every possibility of what could go wrong during next few hours. Also leaving toddler like that could be called negligence... +1 to Death Count +1 to Crime Count
>Do you think that Albus included Harry’s birth certificate in that letter? I don’t think so. +1 to Crime Count
Crime Count: 3
Death Count: 2
Uncovered: 3
Spell Count: so far 0
Also is that me or does Hagrid sounds normal, as in his accent isn’t that horrible?