Harry Potter Abridged! Cursed Child Part 1
I’m baaaaaaaaaaack!
So, in light of the new information about the Cursed Child debacle, I’ve decided to pick up where my abridged series has left off. I’m going to be giving the story of the Cursed Child the same treatment as I gave the books when I was doing Harry Potter Abridged…only instead of waiting until I’ve read the script, I’m going to use only the outline of the plot, and details from other people’s postings about it. So there’s going to be a lot of guess work and improvisation, but hopefully it’ll still be funny. I decided that it would be easier to get it onto paper while it was still fresh in my mind, and I thought adding my own spin on the proceedings might be more fun. Since I don't know the acts, I've broken it up based on whatever stopping points I thought were most convenient. I’ll probably track down a copy of the script at some point, and do something with it; but for now, enjoy!
In practice this has turned out to be less funny than I thought it would be. But hopefully it’s still at least a little funny.
[It all starts when Rose, Albus, and Scorpius board the Hogwarts Express for the first time…]
Rose: So, anyway, Al, aren’t you excited about going to Hogwarts?
Albus: I suppose so….
Rose: Oh, don’t be that way! We’ll have so much fun, and I know we’ll all be good Gryffindors together because I mean we were kids together and the descendants of the greatest heroes of our generation and why would the Sorting Hat break up a set?!
Albus: I suppose.
Rose: Say, do you think you’re going to end up as my bridegroom someday?
Albus: What?! Where did you get that from?!
Rose: Well, you know, you’re a him, and I’m a her, and we were kids together, and the descendants of heroes, and the same age. I mean, it would just be perfect, you know?
Albus: But…aren’t we cousins?
Rose: Cousins have gotten married before now, and will continue to get married.
Albus: But still….
Rose: Oh, cheer up!
Albus: Yeah, yeah. I need some time to myself to think. [Strides off]
Rose: Hmph! He isn’t any fun at all!
[However, all the compartments have someone in them already. Eventually Albus resigns himself to sitting with Scorpius Malfoy]
Scorpius: It’s you! What are you doing here?!
Albus: There was nowhere else for me to sit.
Scorpius: Nowhere else for you to sit but the same compartment as the son of your father’s sworn archenemy?
Albus: Now now, I know your father and mine have a history, but surely they were never-
Scorpius: Did you hear? Rumor has it I’m actually the son of Voldemort!
Albus: What?! No way!
Scorpius: That’s what they’re saying, anyway.
Albus: But…didn’t he die years before our parents had even met?
Scorpius: They’re saying time travel might have been involved.
Albus: Time travel?! But that’s ridiculous! Time travel doesn’t work like that!
Scorpius: I didn’t think so either, but that’s what they’re saying.
[The two boys get so absorbed in talking they don’t even notice the train pulling into the station]
[They go to the Great Hall…]
McGonagall: Alright, children, it’s time for you to step up and be Sorted into the House that will determine your entire life’s destiny for evermore!
Albus: That does not sound good!
Rose: Oh, please-only stupid slimy Slytherins need to fear the Sorting!
[Rose is Sorted into Gryffindor and Scorpius into Slytherin…]
McGonagall: Alright, Albus Severus Potter? [to self] That poor child….
[Albus steps up to the stage and the Sorting Hat is placed on his head]
Sorting Hat: I detect an affinity for the Slytherin boy. Maybe I should put you in his same house?
Albus: No! I was afraid something like this might happen!
Sorting Hat: What’s the matter? You don’t want to be with the Malfoy boy? He just might end up as the love of your life.
Albus: But I’m only eleven years old!
Sorting Hat: And how old do you think your father was when he met your mother?
Albus: But…my father had said that I could choose my House!
Sorting Hat: Your father told a lie. I let HIM choose his House because he was the Chosen One.
Albus: And I’m not the main character of this story?!
Sorting Hat: This is a different matter.
Albus: Please! All I want is to be a good Gryffindor like everyone else in my family!
Sorting Hat: Too bad! You’re in Slytherin!
Albus: [Cries]
[Albus goes to take his seat at the Slytherin table, next to Scorpius]
James: Ha ha! My brother’s in Slytherin! What a loser!
Albus: [Cries some more]
[So the school year begins. Albus goes to Transfiguration…]
Transfiguration instructor: Today we will learn how to transfigure a rat into a teacup.
Albus: [Attempts to transfigure rat]
Rat: -_-
Albus: Transfigure, dammit!
Rat: [Bites Albus’s finger]
Albus: Owww! [Cries]
[Later, at dinner…]
James: Ha ha, small animals hate my brother!
Albus: [Cries]
[He goes to Potions…]
Slughorn: Today I’ll be teaching you how to make a simple draught, designed to-
Albus: [Raises hand] Professor, Professor! Did you by any chance write a play about a Japanese emperor when you were younger?
Slughorn: No, I’m afraid you must have confused me for someone else.
Albus: Awww…
[Later, at dinner…]
James: Ha ha, my brother is a stupid geek who likes old Muggle history movies!
Albus: [Cries]
[He goes to Herbology…]
Neville: Remember, children-you must show love to your plants….
Albus: [Raises hand] Professor, Professor!
Neville: Yes?
Albus: Is your name pronounced Neville or Navel?
Neville: [Facepalm] Like father like son.
[That night at dinner…]
James: Ha ha, my brother is so stupid he can’t even remember his own teacher’s name!
Albus: [Cries]
[He goes to Charms…]
Professor Flitwick: Alright, today we will learn how to levitate feathers.
Albus: [Points wand at feather] Wingardium leviosa!
Feather: [doesn’t move]
Rose: Wingardium leviosa!
[Rose’s feather lifts up off the ground. It then glides over to Albus and starts tickling him]
Albus: [Giggles] S-stoooooooooooop!
[That night at dinner…]
James: Ha ha! My brother is super ticklish and also sucks at charms!
Albus: [Cries]
[He goes to flying lessons…]
Madame Hooch: Alright, mount your brooms…
[Albus attempts to mount his broom, which immediately lifts off the ground and starts zooming around everywhere]
Albus: HELP! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!
[Albus eventually falls off his broom and is so badly injured he spends that night in the hospital wing]
Scorpius: Albus! I brought you some tasty chocolate frogs!
Albus: Oh, thank you so much! [Takes gifts]
Scorpius: By the way…your brother has been talking about what happened in flying class all day.
Albus: How does he know so much?! We don’t even have the same classes yet he knows all my misfortunes as if he were there!
Scorpius: You have to ask?
Albus: Rose?
Scorpius: Yup.
Albus: That traitor! And she had the gall to declare me her future husband! [Sits up too fast] Owwww…
Scorpius: This is going to be a long seven years.
So, in light of the new information about the Cursed Child debacle, I’ve decided to pick up where my abridged series has left off. I’m going to be giving the story of the Cursed Child the same treatment as I gave the books when I was doing Harry Potter Abridged…only instead of waiting until I’ve read the script, I’m going to use only the outline of the plot, and details from other people’s postings about it. So there’s going to be a lot of guess work and improvisation, but hopefully it’ll still be funny. I decided that it would be easier to get it onto paper while it was still fresh in my mind, and I thought adding my own spin on the proceedings might be more fun. Since I don't know the acts, I've broken it up based on whatever stopping points I thought were most convenient. I’ll probably track down a copy of the script at some point, and do something with it; but for now, enjoy!
In practice this has turned out to be less funny than I thought it would be. But hopefully it’s still at least a little funny.
[It all starts when Rose, Albus, and Scorpius board the Hogwarts Express for the first time…]
Rose: So, anyway, Al, aren’t you excited about going to Hogwarts?
Albus: I suppose so….
Rose: Oh, don’t be that way! We’ll have so much fun, and I know we’ll all be good Gryffindors together because I mean we were kids together and the descendants of the greatest heroes of our generation and why would the Sorting Hat break up a set?!
Albus: I suppose.
Rose: Say, do you think you’re going to end up as my bridegroom someday?
Albus: What?! Where did you get that from?!
Rose: Well, you know, you’re a him, and I’m a her, and we were kids together, and the descendants of heroes, and the same age. I mean, it would just be perfect, you know?
Albus: But…aren’t we cousins?
Rose: Cousins have gotten married before now, and will continue to get married.
Albus: But still….
Rose: Oh, cheer up!
Albus: Yeah, yeah. I need some time to myself to think. [Strides off]
Rose: Hmph! He isn’t any fun at all!
[However, all the compartments have someone in them already. Eventually Albus resigns himself to sitting with Scorpius Malfoy]
Scorpius: It’s you! What are you doing here?!
Albus: There was nowhere else for me to sit.
Scorpius: Nowhere else for you to sit but the same compartment as the son of your father’s sworn archenemy?
Albus: Now now, I know your father and mine have a history, but surely they were never-
Scorpius: Did you hear? Rumor has it I’m actually the son of Voldemort!
Albus: What?! No way!
Scorpius: That’s what they’re saying, anyway.
Albus: But…didn’t he die years before our parents had even met?
Scorpius: They’re saying time travel might have been involved.
Albus: Time travel?! But that’s ridiculous! Time travel doesn’t work like that!
Scorpius: I didn’t think so either, but that’s what they’re saying.
[The two boys get so absorbed in talking they don’t even notice the train pulling into the station]
[They go to the Great Hall…]
McGonagall: Alright, children, it’s time for you to step up and be Sorted into the House that will determine your entire life’s destiny for evermore!
Albus: That does not sound good!
Rose: Oh, please-only stupid slimy Slytherins need to fear the Sorting!
[Rose is Sorted into Gryffindor and Scorpius into Slytherin…]
McGonagall: Alright, Albus Severus Potter? [to self] That poor child….
[Albus steps up to the stage and the Sorting Hat is placed on his head]
Sorting Hat: I detect an affinity for the Slytherin boy. Maybe I should put you in his same house?
Albus: No! I was afraid something like this might happen!
Sorting Hat: What’s the matter? You don’t want to be with the Malfoy boy? He just might end up as the love of your life.
Albus: But I’m only eleven years old!
Sorting Hat: And how old do you think your father was when he met your mother?
Albus: But…my father had said that I could choose my House!
Sorting Hat: Your father told a lie. I let HIM choose his House because he was the Chosen One.
Albus: And I’m not the main character of this story?!
Sorting Hat: This is a different matter.
Albus: Please! All I want is to be a good Gryffindor like everyone else in my family!
Sorting Hat: Too bad! You’re in Slytherin!
Albus: [Cries]
[Albus goes to take his seat at the Slytherin table, next to Scorpius]
James: Ha ha! My brother’s in Slytherin! What a loser!
Albus: [Cries some more]
[So the school year begins. Albus goes to Transfiguration…]
Transfiguration instructor: Today we will learn how to transfigure a rat into a teacup.
Albus: [Attempts to transfigure rat]
Rat: -_-
Albus: Transfigure, dammit!
Rat: [Bites Albus’s finger]
Albus: Owww! [Cries]
[Later, at dinner…]
James: Ha ha, small animals hate my brother!
Albus: [Cries]
[He goes to Potions…]
Slughorn: Today I’ll be teaching you how to make a simple draught, designed to-
Albus: [Raises hand] Professor, Professor! Did you by any chance write a play about a Japanese emperor when you were younger?
Slughorn: No, I’m afraid you must have confused me for someone else.
Albus: Awww…
[Later, at dinner…]
James: Ha ha, my brother is a stupid geek who likes old Muggle history movies!
Albus: [Cries]
[He goes to Herbology…]
Neville: Remember, children-you must show love to your plants….
Albus: [Raises hand] Professor, Professor!
Neville: Yes?
Albus: Is your name pronounced Neville or Navel?
Neville: [Facepalm] Like father like son.
[That night at dinner…]
James: Ha ha, my brother is so stupid he can’t even remember his own teacher’s name!
Albus: [Cries]
[He goes to Charms…]
Professor Flitwick: Alright, today we will learn how to levitate feathers.
Albus: [Points wand at feather] Wingardium leviosa!
Feather: [doesn’t move]
Rose: Wingardium leviosa!
[Rose’s feather lifts up off the ground. It then glides over to Albus and starts tickling him]
Albus: [Giggles] S-stoooooooooooop!
[That night at dinner…]
James: Ha ha! My brother is super ticklish and also sucks at charms!
Albus: [Cries]
[He goes to flying lessons…]
Madame Hooch: Alright, mount your brooms…
[Albus attempts to mount his broom, which immediately lifts off the ground and starts zooming around everywhere]
Albus: HELP! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!
[Albus eventually falls off his broom and is so badly injured he spends that night in the hospital wing]
Scorpius: Albus! I brought you some tasty chocolate frogs!
Albus: Oh, thank you so much! [Takes gifts]
Scorpius: By the way…your brother has been talking about what happened in flying class all day.
Albus: How does he know so much?! We don’t even have the same classes yet he knows all my misfortunes as if he were there!
Scorpius: You have to ask?
Albus: Rose?
Scorpius: Yup.
Albus: That traitor! And she had the gall to declare me her future husband! [Sits up too fast] Owwww…
Scorpius: This is going to be a long seven years.