Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 33
The moment we've all been waiting for--the story of SNAPE!
Voldemort: [Projecting his voice over all Hogwarts grounds and Hogsmeade] Listen here, all you in Hogwarts! This battle is getting boring so I’m going to call it off for an hour and go drinking with my remaining Death Eaters. You have until the hour is up to hand over Harry Potter. If by that time he has not been delivered to me I shall drown you all in East Anglian ale and your own blood! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Harry: Oh, no! Now I must destroy Voldemort or condemn all my friends to a horrible death! Oh, well-at least an hour gives me time to look through these super duper important memories!
[They go back inside the castle to see dead and injured people and blood everywhere]
Harry: Oh horror of horrors! My beloved Hogwarts, reduced to nothing but a bloody tomb!
[Among the dead are Lupin and Tonks]
Harry: Oh, how horrible! They weren’t exaggerating when they talked about dying and leaving behind an orphaned child after all!
[Harry makes a mad dash up the stairs to Dumbledore’s office, where he finds the Pensieve]
Harry: Oh, good! Now I can distract myself from my own pain by disappearing into someone else’s!
[So Harry pours the memories into the Pensieve and disappears into them]
[He finds himself in a playground, where a young Lily and Petunia are playing. Meanwhile a shabby-looking young Snape looks on]
Lily: Petunia, look at meeee! [Jumps off the swing and lands with perfect grace]
Petunia: Lily! What if someone sees us?!
Lily: Well then I’ll just do something less conspicuous! Like this!
[Lily picks up a fallen flower and enchants it to open and close]
Petunia: That’s not less conspicuous at all!
Harry: Wow, my mother was so awesome! No wonder she gave birth to me, the Chosen One!
Snape: Aha! I knew it all along!
Lily: Eew! What do you want?!
Petunia: Yeah! What she said!
Snape: You’re a witch!
Lily: I’m a witch?!
Snape: Yes, a witch!
Lily: [Bursts out laughing] That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! A witch!
Petunia: How long have you been spying on us, anyway?
Snape: I’ve lost track. But that doesn’t change the fact that your sister’s a witch! T-that’s alright, though, because I’m a wizard!
Petunia: A wizard. Of course. Come on, Lily, we don’t make eye contact with strange people like that!
Harry: Wow, Snape was so creepy as a child! What awful designs could he have had on my dear mother?!
[Lily follows Petunia away]
Snape: [Cries]
[It then cuts to a scene of Snape and Lily talking together in a glade]
Snape: …and there’s also a Mystery of Magic that’ll punish you if you do magic outside of school.
Lily: But I’ve been doing magic outside of school and I haven’t gotten in trouble.
Snape: Well…they don’t punish people who haven’t been to school yet because they know we can’t help it. But you’ll have to be careful when you get to school.
Lily: So…would turning my sister’s teacups into rats get me in trouble?
Snape: Probably.
Lily: Boo, hiss. [Pause] I just thought of something. Will it matter that I wasn’t born to magical parents?
Snape: I can’t see how it would, given that you’re so brilliant with magic. My mother said people who have lots of magical power basically rule the world.
Lily: So anyway, how’s your family?
Snape: It’s terrible! My parents are always fighting and my father hates me and everything, really!
Harry: Am I actually feeling sorry for Snape!? AAAGH! What’s happening to me?!
Lily: That sucks. Oh well-tell me more about the Dementors.
Snape: Dementors?!
Lily: Yeah. Will I ever meet one?
Snape: No, there’s no way. Dementors guard a prison, and only really bad people end up in there!
[But just then, there’s a rustling in the bushes, and Petunia emerges]
Lily: Petunia?! What are you doing?!
Petunia: Lily, why are you hanging out with a scruffy little kid like him? Do you want to turn into one of those freaks?
[Just then, a tree branch falls and hits Petunia on the head]
Petunia: Ow! That hurt!
Lily: You did that on purpose, didn’t you?!
Snape: No, I didn’t!
Lily: Go away, I don’t like you anymore after all!
[Lily and Petunia leave]
Snape: [Cries]
[It then cuts to Lily getting ready to board the Hogwarts express]
Snape: What?! This is my memory, isn’t it?! Can we get back to me?!
Lily: Quiet, Severus! [to Petunia] You know, I might just be able to convince Dumbledore to let you go. If I have the time. And I feel like it.
Petunia: What?! I don’t wanna go to your school! Only freaks go to your school!
Lily: But just the other day you wrote a letter to Dumbledore asking if you could go.
Petunia: What?! You read that thing?!
Lily: Well…yes…but…Snape was the one who found it first!
Snape: But…but…you were the one who decided to read it!
Petunia: Oh, never mind! Go away to your magical school to be with your magical friends! I don’t need you in my life, I have better things to do!
[So Lily and Snape board the Hogwarts Express]
Lily: I don’t understand why my sister’s so mean to me! [Cries]
Snape: Don’t worry about her. You don’t need friends like her anymore-you’ve got magic friends and everyone knows those are the only ones that count in this series!
Harry: I concur!
Lily: Well…if you say so.
Snape: So, anyway, we’re going to Hogwarts! Did you know there are four houses in Hogwarts? I hope I’m in Slytherin. You’d make a good Slytherin too.
Harry: Aaagh! Is Snape trying to corrupt my dear Gryffindor mother by tempting her into his evil House?!
[But just then, a young Potter and Sirius come along!]
Potter: Eew, Slytherin? Slytherin is, like, so lame!
Sirius: But…my family’s in Slytherin.
Potter: Oh, they are, are they? Well…you’re not like those others. You’re cool! Me, I hope you’re in Gryffindor. I know I’ll end up there! Gryffindor is the only house for me! I’ll fight the Giant Squid if they send me anywhere else! I’d rather be dead than in any House but Gryffindor!
Harry: Yeah! You say it, Father!
Snape: Don’t you think that’s a little drastic?
Potter: What do you know? You’d settle for being a slimy Slytherin!
Lily: Snape, let’s go somewhere else and not make eye contact with these freaks.
[But as they turn to exit the compartment Potter trips Snape]
Potter: Hahaha! Your misfortune is hilarious!
Snape: [Cries]
[At Hogwarts, Lily gets sorted into Gryffindor, and Snape Slytherin]
[It then cuts to Lily and Snape as slightly older students, having an argument]
Lily: So, anyway, I don’t like your new friend, Mulciber. I think you should ditch him.
Snape: But I live in the same House. Am I not allowed to make friends with my own Housemates?
Lily: But he, like, used Dark Magic on a girl!
Snape: Potter’s done worse.
Lily: Potter? Did I say anything about Potter?
Snape: He sneaks out at night. Don’t you find that suspicious? And his friend Lupin’s strange too.
Lily: Oh, you’re just being obsessive. You need to let it go.
Snape: Let it go?! Potter’s a bad man, I know he is!
Lily: A bad man?! Didn’t he save your life?!
Snape: He was acting on his own interests the whole time, and if you were there, you’d know! He’s a bad man, I tell you! A bad man!
Lily: Hmph! I don’t need someone like you to tell me who’s good and who’s bad-I can figure it out for myself!
[Snape’s Worst Memory happens]
Harry: Oh, please! I’ve seen it all before!
[Later that evening, Snape is outside the Gryffindor common room]
Snape: Lily, please open the door. I’m really sorry.
[In due time, Lily does]
Lily: What do you want?
Snape: I’m just telling you I’m sorry.
Lily: Apology not accepted. You were a genocidal racist all along, weren’t you?
Snape: No! I’m not a genocidal racist!
Lily: But you called me a bad name!
Snape: I know, and that was stupid. But I really am sorry! It was all part of the author’s plan to make me look bad!
Lily: Regardless, this is an apology that I simply cannot accept. I’ll reconsider once you’ve proved your remorse the Gryffindor way.
Snape: The Gryffindor way?
Lily: By dying for me. [Disappears behind portrait hole]
Snape: [Cries]
[The scene then cuts to adult Snape meeting up with Dumbledore on a hilltop]
Dumbledore: Tell me, what do you want from me?
Snape: Well, you see…I might just have passed Trelawney’s prophecy on to Voldemort, aaaaaaaand…now he thinks it refers to the son of Lily Potter and he’s going to kill them all.
Dumbledore: Well what does this have to do with me? Did you not simply ask Voldemort to spare her life?
Snape: Well…I tried to do that, but do you really think it will make any difference?
Dumbledore: What?! You mean you’re willing to let her husband and son die as long as she’s safe?! You monster!
Harry: Oh, no! Snape must really be a monster!
Snape: I didn’t say that!
Dumbledore: But you didn’t ask for him to spare all their lives, now did you?
Snape: I couldn’t just ask him to spare the life of the boy he had already decided to kill!
Dumbledore: Really? I don’t see why not.
Snape: [Facepalm] Look, why can’t you just hide them?
Dumbledore: I can try. If you promise to swear undying loyalty to me and do whatever I say from this point forward no matter how difficult.
Snape: [Deep breath] I swear. [Cries]
[But then it cuts to another scene from after Lily’s death]
Dumbledore: Snape, why are you crying?
Snape: Because Lily’s dead! You said you’d protect her and your family!
Dumbledore: Oh, that. They chose their own fate.
Snape: How could you say such a horrible thing?!
Dumbledore: Because it’s true! But, there is some good news. Lily’s son is alive!
Snape: That’s nice. All I want is to be dead like Lily.
Dumbledore: Sorry, you can’t. But you can make sure her sacrifice wasn’t in vain by protecting her son. You know, just in case the Dark Lord ever comes back.
Snape: He’s coming back?!
Dumbledore: He hasn’t been completely eliminated.
Snape: Very well, I’ll do it. On the condition you not tell anyone about this.
Dumbledore: Well, if you don’t want Lily Potter’s son to think you’re saving his life, then I don’t suppose I can refuse.
Snape: Why me? [Cries]
[It then cuts to a scene a little after the Yule Ball]
Dumbledore: So I heard Karkaroff has premonitions of the Death Eater kind?
Snape: That’s true. His Dark Mark is alerting him that the Dark Lord is back.
Dumbledore: So are you going to run back to your precious Dark Lord as well?
Snape: No, I won’t!
Dumbledore: Excellent, my pet. After all, that would be the coward’s way. You know, I’ve always wondered if you were sorted too soon.
Snape: What a terrible thing to even suggest!
Dumbledore: Are you sad you couldn’t be in the same House as dear Lily?
Snape: No! I’m sad because you’re implying my good qualities are entirely the result of my being a Gryffindor deep down, as if nothing good ever comes out of Slytherin!
Dumbledore: What? You do realize that’s true, don’t you?
Snape: [Cries]
[Next it cuts to Snape tending to Dumbledore’s injured hand]
Snape: This could have been avoided if you hadn’t put on that ring.
Dumbledore: Are you criticizing me? Oh, come on-only I get to do that.
Snape: Very funny. You’re going to die, you know.
Dumbledore: Yeah, about that. Did you know that Voldemort is planning to use Draco Malfoy to kill me?
Snape: Draco Malfoy?
Dumbledore: Well, sort of. Actually he doesn’t intend for him to actually kill me, just fail and be punished in order to torture his parents. You will help him, won’t you?
Harry: You mean…Draco wasn’t trying to kill my angel Dumbledore out of sheer malice?! Color me shocked!
Snape: I can try. Draco is angry with me over what happened to his father.
Dumbledore: Alright, well, you will kill me if he fails, right?
Snape: I suppose so. [Pause] But if you’re going to die anyway, why not just let Draco kill you?
Dumbledore: Oh, I couldn’t let a poor, innocent, unblemished soul like his be damaged. I don’t want that weighing on my-I mean, his conscience.
Snape: It damages the soul to give someone a mercy death?
Dumbledore: Apparently. Who knew?
Snape: Then why does anyone have to kill you? Surely if I kill you my soul will be damaged as well?
Dumbledore: Well your soul is defiled forever by virtue of your being a genocidal racist.
Snape: I am not, nor ever have been, a genocidal racist, dammit!
Dumbledore: Regardless, you at least can grant me a death that’s quick and painless.
Snape: I still don’t see why that should damage my soul.
Dumbledore: That’s for…you and me to find out together. [Pause] Oh, and protect the students when you’re instated as Headmaster, will you?
Snape: You don’t have to ask.
[It then cuts to Snape and Dumbledore on the grounds]
Snape: I still don’t see why you trust that boy. Why are you having private meetings with him? Do you have any clue what people are saying about you?!
Dumbledore: That’s not a nice thing to say! I’m giving him very important information that he can use for his very important Chosen One’s quest!
Snape: But he’s as irresponsible as his father!
Dumbledore: No, actually he’s more like his mother.
Snape: That’s not much of an improvement!
Dumbledore: Whatever.
Snape: Anyway, why are you trusting him with all this information and not me?!
Dumbledore: Because he’s stupid enough to do whatever I say and not twist the information to suit his own objectives-Oops, did I say that out loud?
Snape: [Facepalm]
Dumbledore: Anyway, I couldn’t risk you leaking any of this information to the Dark Lord.
Snape: But doesn’t Harry have a mind-meld with the Dark Lord?
Dumbledore: Yes, but the Dark Lord’s too frightened of Harry’s inherent goodness to make use of it.
Harry: My inherent goodness?! Oh, my angel, you know me so well!
Snape: How do you know?!
Dumbledore: Because I said so, that’s how.
Snape: Because you said so?! I suspect you’re still expecting me to dutifully go through with the plan to kill you “because you said so!”
Dumbledore: Yes, you’re quite correct. Now go back to watching Draco for the time being, and I’ll talk to you later.
Snape: I hate you so much….
[It then cuts to another scene of Snape and Dumbledore talking]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, it’s come to my attention that Harry is a Horcrux in and of himself. Evidently part of Voldemort’s soul transferred itself to Harry the night he tried to kill him, and therefore the only way to destroy Voldemort is to have Harry die.
Harry: …What?!
Snape: You’re joking!
Dumbledore: No I’m not! This conclusion is one based on careful research and observation. If we are to defeat Voldemort, Harry must die and Voldemort must do it. I’ve even taken great pains to ensure that Harry dies at precisely the right moment. His stupidity has made him very easy to manipulate.
Snape: You sick fuck! You betrayed him, and you lied to me! You told me I was protecting Harry for his mother! Do you honestly think she would want him to just give up and die now!?
Dumbledore: I don’t know what she would have thought and I don’t really care. If Harry dies, Voldemort dies, and that is all that matters. Besides, we must not question the will of Death, our lord and master. Surely a genocidal racist like you will understand.
Snape: I AM NOT A GENOCIDAL RACIST!
Dumbledore: Have you come to care about Harry Potter after all?
Snape: You could never understand my feelings about that boy. You know nothing about me.
Dumbledore: Or perhaps you’re still pining for Lily. I heard your Patronus is a doe. Is Lily still that much of a fixture in your life?
Harry: SNAPE was the one with the doe Patronus?!
Snape: My Patronus has nothing to do with Lily! It’s always been a doe, and it always will be a doe, and I’m virtually certain it always would have been a doe, Lily or no Lily!
Dumbledore: Wow, color me shocked! I never would have guessed you had thoughts and feelings that didn’t revolve around Lily!
Snape: You’re hopeless.
Dumbledore: Regardless, that’s still the most limp-dicked Patronus in the history of limp-dicked Patronuses.
Snape: I should have known you’d say that.
[It cuts to scenes that reveal that Snape was behind everything Mundungus did, and that the loss of George’s ear was the result of a misfired spell that Snape had aimed at a Death Eater’s hand]
Harry: SNAPE was the one who masterminded that plan?! And he WASN’T trying to hack off George’s ear just to be a big fat meaniehead?! Wow, my tiny mind is blown!
[It then cuts to Snape in Sirius’s room]
Snape: It says here, that Lily knew that Dumbledore had met Grindlewald! That’s interesting. Oooh, woe is me! Lily is dead! [Cries] Oh, look-it’s a picture of Lily and her family. I think I’ll improve upon it by just tearing off the part with the other two. [Does so]
Harry: That asshole! How dare he treat my family with such blatant disrespect!
[It then returns to Snape in the Headmaster’s office]
Phineas Nigellus: So, I heard Harry Potter was camping out in the Forest of Dean.
Snape: Oh, good. Now I know where to put this thing! [Goes to a back room and pulls out Gryffindor’s sword]
Dumbledore: Yes, but don’t let anyone know it’s you!
Snape: That’ll be easy. There’s no way he’ll suspect it’s me!
Harry: SNAPE was the one who sent me Gryffindor’s sword in the Forest of Dean?!
[Just then, Harry is drawn out of the Pensieve]
Voldemort: [Projecting his voice over all Hogwarts grounds and Hogsmeade] Listen here, all you in Hogwarts! This battle is getting boring so I’m going to call it off for an hour and go drinking with my remaining Death Eaters. You have until the hour is up to hand over Harry Potter. If by that time he has not been delivered to me I shall drown you all in East Anglian ale and your own blood! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Harry: Oh, no! Now I must destroy Voldemort or condemn all my friends to a horrible death! Oh, well-at least an hour gives me time to look through these super duper important memories!
[They go back inside the castle to see dead and injured people and blood everywhere]
Harry: Oh horror of horrors! My beloved Hogwarts, reduced to nothing but a bloody tomb!
[Among the dead are Lupin and Tonks]
Harry: Oh, how horrible! They weren’t exaggerating when they talked about dying and leaving behind an orphaned child after all!
[Harry makes a mad dash up the stairs to Dumbledore’s office, where he finds the Pensieve]
Harry: Oh, good! Now I can distract myself from my own pain by disappearing into someone else’s!
[So Harry pours the memories into the Pensieve and disappears into them]
[He finds himself in a playground, where a young Lily and Petunia are playing. Meanwhile a shabby-looking young Snape looks on]
Lily: Petunia, look at meeee! [Jumps off the swing and lands with perfect grace]
Petunia: Lily! What if someone sees us?!
Lily: Well then I’ll just do something less conspicuous! Like this!
[Lily picks up a fallen flower and enchants it to open and close]
Petunia: That’s not less conspicuous at all!
Harry: Wow, my mother was so awesome! No wonder she gave birth to me, the Chosen One!
Snape: Aha! I knew it all along!
Lily: Eew! What do you want?!
Petunia: Yeah! What she said!
Snape: You’re a witch!
Lily: I’m a witch?!
Snape: Yes, a witch!
Lily: [Bursts out laughing] That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! A witch!
Petunia: How long have you been spying on us, anyway?
Snape: I’ve lost track. But that doesn’t change the fact that your sister’s a witch! T-that’s alright, though, because I’m a wizard!
Petunia: A wizard. Of course. Come on, Lily, we don’t make eye contact with strange people like that!
Harry: Wow, Snape was so creepy as a child! What awful designs could he have had on my dear mother?!
[Lily follows Petunia away]
Snape: [Cries]
[It then cuts to a scene of Snape and Lily talking together in a glade]
Snape: …and there’s also a Mystery of Magic that’ll punish you if you do magic outside of school.
Lily: But I’ve been doing magic outside of school and I haven’t gotten in trouble.
Snape: Well…they don’t punish people who haven’t been to school yet because they know we can’t help it. But you’ll have to be careful when you get to school.
Lily: So…would turning my sister’s teacups into rats get me in trouble?
Snape: Probably.
Lily: Boo, hiss. [Pause] I just thought of something. Will it matter that I wasn’t born to magical parents?
Snape: I can’t see how it would, given that you’re so brilliant with magic. My mother said people who have lots of magical power basically rule the world.
Lily: So anyway, how’s your family?
Snape: It’s terrible! My parents are always fighting and my father hates me and everything, really!
Harry: Am I actually feeling sorry for Snape!? AAAGH! What’s happening to me?!
Lily: That sucks. Oh well-tell me more about the Dementors.
Snape: Dementors?!
Lily: Yeah. Will I ever meet one?
Snape: No, there’s no way. Dementors guard a prison, and only really bad people end up in there!
[But just then, there’s a rustling in the bushes, and Petunia emerges]
Lily: Petunia?! What are you doing?!
Petunia: Lily, why are you hanging out with a scruffy little kid like him? Do you want to turn into one of those freaks?
[Just then, a tree branch falls and hits Petunia on the head]
Petunia: Ow! That hurt!
Lily: You did that on purpose, didn’t you?!
Snape: No, I didn’t!
Lily: Go away, I don’t like you anymore after all!
[Lily and Petunia leave]
Snape: [Cries]
[It then cuts to Lily getting ready to board the Hogwarts express]
Snape: What?! This is my memory, isn’t it?! Can we get back to me?!
Lily: Quiet, Severus! [to Petunia] You know, I might just be able to convince Dumbledore to let you go. If I have the time. And I feel like it.
Petunia: What?! I don’t wanna go to your school! Only freaks go to your school!
Lily: But just the other day you wrote a letter to Dumbledore asking if you could go.
Petunia: What?! You read that thing?!
Lily: Well…yes…but…Snape was the one who found it first!
Snape: But…but…you were the one who decided to read it!
Petunia: Oh, never mind! Go away to your magical school to be with your magical friends! I don’t need you in my life, I have better things to do!
[So Lily and Snape board the Hogwarts Express]
Lily: I don’t understand why my sister’s so mean to me! [Cries]
Snape: Don’t worry about her. You don’t need friends like her anymore-you’ve got magic friends and everyone knows those are the only ones that count in this series!
Harry: I concur!
Lily: Well…if you say so.
Snape: So, anyway, we’re going to Hogwarts! Did you know there are four houses in Hogwarts? I hope I’m in Slytherin. You’d make a good Slytherin too.
Harry: Aaagh! Is Snape trying to corrupt my dear Gryffindor mother by tempting her into his evil House?!
[But just then, a young Potter and Sirius come along!]
Potter: Eew, Slytherin? Slytherin is, like, so lame!
Sirius: But…my family’s in Slytherin.
Potter: Oh, they are, are they? Well…you’re not like those others. You’re cool! Me, I hope you’re in Gryffindor. I know I’ll end up there! Gryffindor is the only house for me! I’ll fight the Giant Squid if they send me anywhere else! I’d rather be dead than in any House but Gryffindor!
Harry: Yeah! You say it, Father!
Snape: Don’t you think that’s a little drastic?
Potter: What do you know? You’d settle for being a slimy Slytherin!
Lily: Snape, let’s go somewhere else and not make eye contact with these freaks.
[But as they turn to exit the compartment Potter trips Snape]
Potter: Hahaha! Your misfortune is hilarious!
Snape: [Cries]
[At Hogwarts, Lily gets sorted into Gryffindor, and Snape Slytherin]
[It then cuts to Lily and Snape as slightly older students, having an argument]
Lily: So, anyway, I don’t like your new friend, Mulciber. I think you should ditch him.
Snape: But I live in the same House. Am I not allowed to make friends with my own Housemates?
Lily: But he, like, used Dark Magic on a girl!
Snape: Potter’s done worse.
Lily: Potter? Did I say anything about Potter?
Snape: He sneaks out at night. Don’t you find that suspicious? And his friend Lupin’s strange too.
Lily: Oh, you’re just being obsessive. You need to let it go.
Snape: Let it go?! Potter’s a bad man, I know he is!
Lily: A bad man?! Didn’t he save your life?!
Snape: He was acting on his own interests the whole time, and if you were there, you’d know! He’s a bad man, I tell you! A bad man!
Lily: Hmph! I don’t need someone like you to tell me who’s good and who’s bad-I can figure it out for myself!
[Snape’s Worst Memory happens]
Harry: Oh, please! I’ve seen it all before!
[Later that evening, Snape is outside the Gryffindor common room]
Snape: Lily, please open the door. I’m really sorry.
[In due time, Lily does]
Lily: What do you want?
Snape: I’m just telling you I’m sorry.
Lily: Apology not accepted. You were a genocidal racist all along, weren’t you?
Snape: No! I’m not a genocidal racist!
Lily: But you called me a bad name!
Snape: I know, and that was stupid. But I really am sorry! It was all part of the author’s plan to make me look bad!
Lily: Regardless, this is an apology that I simply cannot accept. I’ll reconsider once you’ve proved your remorse the Gryffindor way.
Snape: The Gryffindor way?
Lily: By dying for me. [Disappears behind portrait hole]
Snape: [Cries]
[The scene then cuts to adult Snape meeting up with Dumbledore on a hilltop]
Dumbledore: Tell me, what do you want from me?
Snape: Well, you see…I might just have passed Trelawney’s prophecy on to Voldemort, aaaaaaaand…now he thinks it refers to the son of Lily Potter and he’s going to kill them all.
Dumbledore: Well what does this have to do with me? Did you not simply ask Voldemort to spare her life?
Snape: Well…I tried to do that, but do you really think it will make any difference?
Dumbledore: What?! You mean you’re willing to let her husband and son die as long as she’s safe?! You monster!
Harry: Oh, no! Snape must really be a monster!
Snape: I didn’t say that!
Dumbledore: But you didn’t ask for him to spare all their lives, now did you?
Snape: I couldn’t just ask him to spare the life of the boy he had already decided to kill!
Dumbledore: Really? I don’t see why not.
Snape: [Facepalm] Look, why can’t you just hide them?
Dumbledore: I can try. If you promise to swear undying loyalty to me and do whatever I say from this point forward no matter how difficult.
Snape: [Deep breath] I swear. [Cries]
[But then it cuts to another scene from after Lily’s death]
Dumbledore: Snape, why are you crying?
Snape: Because Lily’s dead! You said you’d protect her and your family!
Dumbledore: Oh, that. They chose their own fate.
Snape: How could you say such a horrible thing?!
Dumbledore: Because it’s true! But, there is some good news. Lily’s son is alive!
Snape: That’s nice. All I want is to be dead like Lily.
Dumbledore: Sorry, you can’t. But you can make sure her sacrifice wasn’t in vain by protecting her son. You know, just in case the Dark Lord ever comes back.
Snape: He’s coming back?!
Dumbledore: He hasn’t been completely eliminated.
Snape: Very well, I’ll do it. On the condition you not tell anyone about this.
Dumbledore: Well, if you don’t want Lily Potter’s son to think you’re saving his life, then I don’t suppose I can refuse.
Snape: Why me? [Cries]
[It then cuts to a scene a little after the Yule Ball]
Dumbledore: So I heard Karkaroff has premonitions of the Death Eater kind?
Snape: That’s true. His Dark Mark is alerting him that the Dark Lord is back.
Dumbledore: So are you going to run back to your precious Dark Lord as well?
Snape: No, I won’t!
Dumbledore: Excellent, my pet. After all, that would be the coward’s way. You know, I’ve always wondered if you were sorted too soon.
Snape: What a terrible thing to even suggest!
Dumbledore: Are you sad you couldn’t be in the same House as dear Lily?
Snape: No! I’m sad because you’re implying my good qualities are entirely the result of my being a Gryffindor deep down, as if nothing good ever comes out of Slytherin!
Dumbledore: What? You do realize that’s true, don’t you?
Snape: [Cries]
[Next it cuts to Snape tending to Dumbledore’s injured hand]
Snape: This could have been avoided if you hadn’t put on that ring.
Dumbledore: Are you criticizing me? Oh, come on-only I get to do that.
Snape: Very funny. You’re going to die, you know.
Dumbledore: Yeah, about that. Did you know that Voldemort is planning to use Draco Malfoy to kill me?
Snape: Draco Malfoy?
Dumbledore: Well, sort of. Actually he doesn’t intend for him to actually kill me, just fail and be punished in order to torture his parents. You will help him, won’t you?
Harry: You mean…Draco wasn’t trying to kill my angel Dumbledore out of sheer malice?! Color me shocked!
Snape: I can try. Draco is angry with me over what happened to his father.
Dumbledore: Alright, well, you will kill me if he fails, right?
Snape: I suppose so. [Pause] But if you’re going to die anyway, why not just let Draco kill you?
Dumbledore: Oh, I couldn’t let a poor, innocent, unblemished soul like his be damaged. I don’t want that weighing on my-I mean, his conscience.
Snape: It damages the soul to give someone a mercy death?
Dumbledore: Apparently. Who knew?
Snape: Then why does anyone have to kill you? Surely if I kill you my soul will be damaged as well?
Dumbledore: Well your soul is defiled forever by virtue of your being a genocidal racist.
Snape: I am not, nor ever have been, a genocidal racist, dammit!
Dumbledore: Regardless, you at least can grant me a death that’s quick and painless.
Snape: I still don’t see why that should damage my soul.
Dumbledore: That’s for…you and me to find out together. [Pause] Oh, and protect the students when you’re instated as Headmaster, will you?
Snape: You don’t have to ask.
[It then cuts to Snape and Dumbledore on the grounds]
Snape: I still don’t see why you trust that boy. Why are you having private meetings with him? Do you have any clue what people are saying about you?!
Dumbledore: That’s not a nice thing to say! I’m giving him very important information that he can use for his very important Chosen One’s quest!
Snape: But he’s as irresponsible as his father!
Dumbledore: No, actually he’s more like his mother.
Snape: That’s not much of an improvement!
Dumbledore: Whatever.
Snape: Anyway, why are you trusting him with all this information and not me?!
Dumbledore: Because he’s stupid enough to do whatever I say and not twist the information to suit his own objectives-Oops, did I say that out loud?
Snape: [Facepalm]
Dumbledore: Anyway, I couldn’t risk you leaking any of this information to the Dark Lord.
Snape: But doesn’t Harry have a mind-meld with the Dark Lord?
Dumbledore: Yes, but the Dark Lord’s too frightened of Harry’s inherent goodness to make use of it.
Harry: My inherent goodness?! Oh, my angel, you know me so well!
Snape: How do you know?!
Dumbledore: Because I said so, that’s how.
Snape: Because you said so?! I suspect you’re still expecting me to dutifully go through with the plan to kill you “because you said so!”
Dumbledore: Yes, you’re quite correct. Now go back to watching Draco for the time being, and I’ll talk to you later.
Snape: I hate you so much….
[It then cuts to another scene of Snape and Dumbledore talking]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, it’s come to my attention that Harry is a Horcrux in and of himself. Evidently part of Voldemort’s soul transferred itself to Harry the night he tried to kill him, and therefore the only way to destroy Voldemort is to have Harry die.
Harry: …What?!
Snape: You’re joking!
Dumbledore: No I’m not! This conclusion is one based on careful research and observation. If we are to defeat Voldemort, Harry must die and Voldemort must do it. I’ve even taken great pains to ensure that Harry dies at precisely the right moment. His stupidity has made him very easy to manipulate.
Snape: You sick fuck! You betrayed him, and you lied to me! You told me I was protecting Harry for his mother! Do you honestly think she would want him to just give up and die now!?
Dumbledore: I don’t know what she would have thought and I don’t really care. If Harry dies, Voldemort dies, and that is all that matters. Besides, we must not question the will of Death, our lord and master. Surely a genocidal racist like you will understand.
Snape: I AM NOT A GENOCIDAL RACIST!
Dumbledore: Have you come to care about Harry Potter after all?
Snape: You could never understand my feelings about that boy. You know nothing about me.
Dumbledore: Or perhaps you’re still pining for Lily. I heard your Patronus is a doe. Is Lily still that much of a fixture in your life?
Harry: SNAPE was the one with the doe Patronus?!
Snape: My Patronus has nothing to do with Lily! It’s always been a doe, and it always will be a doe, and I’m virtually certain it always would have been a doe, Lily or no Lily!
Dumbledore: Wow, color me shocked! I never would have guessed you had thoughts and feelings that didn’t revolve around Lily!
Snape: You’re hopeless.
Dumbledore: Regardless, that’s still the most limp-dicked Patronus in the history of limp-dicked Patronuses.
Snape: I should have known you’d say that.
[It cuts to scenes that reveal that Snape was behind everything Mundungus did, and that the loss of George’s ear was the result of a misfired spell that Snape had aimed at a Death Eater’s hand]
Harry: SNAPE was the one who masterminded that plan?! And he WASN’T trying to hack off George’s ear just to be a big fat meaniehead?! Wow, my tiny mind is blown!
[It then cuts to Snape in Sirius’s room]
Snape: It says here, that Lily knew that Dumbledore had met Grindlewald! That’s interesting. Oooh, woe is me! Lily is dead! [Cries] Oh, look-it’s a picture of Lily and her family. I think I’ll improve upon it by just tearing off the part with the other two. [Does so]
Harry: That asshole! How dare he treat my family with such blatant disrespect!
[It then returns to Snape in the Headmaster’s office]
Phineas Nigellus: So, I heard Harry Potter was camping out in the Forest of Dean.
Snape: Oh, good. Now I know where to put this thing! [Goes to a back room and pulls out Gryffindor’s sword]
Dumbledore: Yes, but don’t let anyone know it’s you!
Snape: That’ll be easy. There’s no way he’ll suspect it’s me!
Harry: SNAPE was the one who sent me Gryffindor’s sword in the Forest of Dean?!
[Just then, Harry is drawn out of the Pensieve]