Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 31
[Everyone meets up for a briefing in the Great Hall]
McGonagall: So, anyway, we’re going to help you evacuate this castle so you’re not harmed in the upcoming battle for the fate of the Wizarding World.
Ernie MacMillan: What if we want to stay and fight?
McGonagall: Well, if you think you’re worthy of surviving this epic battle you’re more than welcome to, although since you’re a Hufflepuff the odds are not in your favor.
Random Slytherin girl: Where’s Headmaster Snape?
McGonagall: Oh, that slimy traitor’s run away like the dirty coward he is. Typical Slytherin cowardice.
Gryffindors: Hooray! The slimy Slytherin headmaster is no more!
Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw: This will probably make no difference to us, but let’s cheer anyway!
Random Slytherin girl: That’s not very nice!
McGonagall: [to random Slytherin girl] I’m ignoring you. [to crowd] But, as I was saying, Mr. Norris will help you evacuate-
Mr. Filch: My name is Filch, dammit!
McGonagall: --and your prefects will assist--
[But just then, she’s cut off by Voldemort!]
Voldemort: Bwahahahaha! Good evening, all you students of Hogwarts! I trust you are doing well? Anyway, I’ll be brief. I’m going to lay siege to this castle, and if you want to get out alive, you will hand over Harry Potter forthwith! If he is not within my possession by midnight I will ship you off in a cattle car, and proceed to…. Wait, what’s the cattle car for again? [Pause] Aha! I will ship you off to the shore and drown you in the ocean! [Pause] And I’m not lying about the cattle car this time-I have one right here! So in conclusion, give me Harry Potter if you want to live! BWAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Pansy Parkinson: Wait a minute-Harry Potter’s here, isn’t he? Oh, great! Let’s just hand him over and then we can all go home happy! I see no problems with this plan!
McGonagall: I should have known you slimy Slytherins would betray this noble school and the Chosen One it nurtured! Mr. Norris, take her and the rest of the Slytherins away from here!
[Once the Slytherins leave, the Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, and younger Gryffindors follow, but several of the older members of the three Houses stay behind]
McGonagall: Well, now that that’s settled, Harry, Ron, Hermione, go do whatever it is you were going to do while I take care of organizing everyone else.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Yes, Ma’am!
Harry: Wow, it’s a good thing she brought it up-for a moment there I forgot exactly what we were even doing here!
[They make their way back towards Ravenclaw tower]
Harry: Aha! I finally realized what to do to get the diadem!
Ron and Hermione: [incredulously] You have?
Harry: Yeah! Nobody’s seen it in living memory, right? So that means, we have to find someone who’s dead!
[Conveniently, Nearly Headless Nick is close by]
Harry: Nearly Headless Nick! Do you know where I can find the Grey Lady?
Nearly Headless Nick: She’s three feet in front of me, Harry.
[Sure enough, a little ways down the corridor, Harry can just make her out]
Harry: So she is! [Runs after her] Grey Lady, Grey Lady!
Grey Lady: Yes?
Harry: Do you know where Rowena Ravenclaw’s diadem is?
Grey Lady: And what use could you possibly have for such a thing?
Harry: I need it to help me defeat Voldemort!
Grey Lady: Oh, that makes a difference! Why don’t I tell you all about my torturous backstory?
Harry: Does it have to do with the diadem?
Grey Lady: Yes it does! See, I was Rowena Ravenclaw’s daughter!
Harry: You’re her daughter?! Well I never!
Grey Lady: It gets better. Did you know that I stole the diadem from my mother, and she lied to protect me? For years, in fact! Then she fell ill, and sent one Bloody Baron to find me! I didn’t go to visit my mother after all, but that’s irrelevant because he fancied me, and when I rejected him he killed me, then himself!
Harry: And the diadem?
Grey Lady: I hid it.
Harry: Where?
Grey Lady: Albania.
Harry: AAAAARGH! [Pause] Wait a moment…. Have you told anyone else this story?
Grey Lady: Oh, yeah. This boy named Tom Riddle, I told him all about it!
Harry: Tom Riddle, huh? I think I know what happened to your diadem.
Grey Lady: It’s been taken away from its hiding place?
Harry: Yes it has! By none other than Voldemort himself! Did you know that Tom Marvolo Riddle is I Am Lord Voldemort anagrammatized?
Grey Lady: Well when you put it like that, it does make sense.
Harry: So in conclusion, the diadem must be here! If only I knew where it was….
[As Harry’s running through the corridors thinking, he comes upon Hagrid, who’s walking Fang]
Hagrid: Harry! You’re still alive! How ever did you do it?!
Harry: Well, I am the main character. And the Chosen One on top of that.
Hagrid: Of course, how could I ever have doubted you?
Harry: Are you honestly going to fight with a wooden leg, one arm, and a spider leg around your neck?
Hagrid: I’ve been functioning just fine for most of the book, so why should I stop now?
Harry: I am so moved.
Hagrid: Anyway I’ve got Fang and Grawp to help me.
Harry: How did you convince Grawp to help you?
Hagrid: I told him after it was over we could visit the dragons in Romania. He wants a pet dragon, see.
Harry: You never learn, do you? [Pause] Anyway, you haven’t seen Ron or Hermione, have you?
Hagrid: No, I have not.
Harry: Let’s go look for them together!
Hagrid: Sounds good.
[They charge through the halls until they come upon the exit passage, where they run into Aberforth!]
Aberforth: Harry, don’t you think sending the children of Death Eaters to safety was a risky enterprise?
Harry: Oh, please-your brother would have wanted them to be safe! Are you, like, prejudiced against Slytherins?! Don’t go bringing Slytherin prejudice into it!
Aberforth: Oh, never mind.
[Harry runs into Ron and Hermione down the next corridor]
Harry: Where have you two been?!
Ron: Oh, we’ve just been to the Chamber of Secrets. See, it turns out that if you watch closely enough you can mimic Parseltongue even if you are not yourself a Parselmouth. Isn’t that convenient?
Harry: Convenient?! More like impossible!
Ron: Well, we disposed of one more Horcrux for you. You ought to be grateful.
Harry: Fine, fine. It’s one less thing we have to worry about. [Pause] In other news, I know where the diadem is!
Hermione: Where, where?!
Harry: The Room of Requirement!
Hermione: To the Room of Requirement!
[Along the way, they run into Tonks!]
Harry: Tonks?! What are you doing here?! Don’t you have a newborn infant to take care of?!
Tonks: Alas, it is my duty as a side character to join my husband in battle and die, thereby leaving behind an orphan child to continue the cycle. [Pause] I said so two books ago. But did you believe me? Nooooo.
Harry: You poor woman.
[They get to the Room of Requirement to find Ginny still inside]
Harry: Ginny, Ginny! There’s something very important we need this room to do! You’re going to have to leave!
Ginny: That’s fine by me. I want to go and fight.
Harry: That’s one way to look at it.
[Ginny leaves the room]
Ron: By the way, I kinda sorta maybe think we should get the house-elves evacuated, you know, so they don’t all get killed like Dobby.
Hermione: Oh, Ron! You’ve finally learned that house-elves are not and should not be entirely beneath your notice! [Glomps Ron and kisses his lips]
Harry and Ron: Can you not?
[They go a little ways back into the hallway, and then return to the door, which now opens on a room full of junk hidden over the centuries]
Harry: Alright, let’s split up. We’re looking for a statue of an old man wearing a tiara.
[They split up and run through the piles of junk, searching, searching. Eventually, Harry does find the diadem, but just then he runs into Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle!]
Draco: Aha! I have you now my pretty!
Harry: Draco?!
Draco: Yes, it is I, Draco Malfoy, and I have come to capture you!
Harry: But how did you even get in?!
Draco: Have you forgotten the entire Vanishing Cabinet subplot from last book?
Harry: There was a subplot involving a Vanishing Cabinet last book?
Draco: Yes, there was. The point is, I know my way around this place well enough!
Goyle: And we were watching you from outside this entire time under Dissilusionment charms! [Pause] So what is this diadem you’re after?
Harry: Wow, you’re really hot, Goyle! I never noticed that before!
Goyle: Whaaaaaaaaa?
Crabbe: Draco, Draco! Let me at him! I could do such nasty things to him!
Draco: No, I don’t think we should capture him just yet. Let him get his hands on the diadem first.
Crabbe: But why?! He’s right here and we can capture him easily! Who cares about the stupid diadem?!
Draco: Well…ah…because I said so, that’s why!
Crabbe and Goyle: [Snicker]
Crabbe: And why should I take you seriously, anyway? You’re nothing but a prop after all! You don’t even have your own wand anymore!
Goyle: Come to think of it, he’s right.
Draco: I…I’m not a prop! What are you talking about?!
Harry: Maybe I can get the diadem while they’re distracted…. [Starts moving in its general direction]
Crabbe: Oh, no you don’t! Crucio!
[He aims a Cruciatus at Harry, who narrowly misses]
Draco: What are you doing?! This isn’t supposed to happen!
Hermione: Stupefy!
Crabbe: Ha! You missed, mudblood! Avada kedavra!
[Hermione dodges the attack]
Draco: No! You’re not supposed to kill them…! [Whimpers]
Harry: Expelliarmus!
[Goyle loses his wand]
Goyle: What’d you do that for?! I’m not the one trying to kill you!
Harry: You’re not?
Goyle: [Sigh]
Crabbe: [Aims at Ron] Avada kedavra!
[Ron quickly jumps out of the way]
Crabbe: Oh, you think you’re a special snowflake that can just avoid Avada kedavra, do you?! See how you like this!
[Giant flames burst from Crabbe’s wand, transforming into beasts and threatening to envelop everyone]
Harry: Oh, no! We have to get out of here!
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione attempt to run away, as do Draco, Crabbe and Goyle, but the flames encircle them]
Ron: Now what should we do?!
Harry: Oh, look! Brooms!
[Harry and Ron grab brooms and fly above the flames, Hermione in tow]
Harry: You know, I think we should save Draco and Goyle as well.
Ron: What?!
Harry: It just wouldn’t be right to let them die.
[In due course, Harry and Ron find Draco and Goyle. Harry takes Draco onto his broom, and Ron takes Goyle onto his]
Harry: Oh, what a magnanimous Chosen One am I, to save even my worst enemy from a fiery death!
[Harry even manages to catch the diadem on his wrist, out of the mouth of a fire serpent]
[When they get outside, Harry notices that the diadem is blackened and black blood is coming out]
Harry: Cool. There’s one less Horcrux that we need to worry about!
Hermione: But to cast Fiendfyre in an enclosed space! Well, that’s one way to destroy a Horcrux, anyway.
Harry: Oh Slytherins! Look at me! Gaze well upon the face of your savior, the enemy of yours who so magnanimously saved your miserable, worthless lives!
Draco and Goyle: [Cry]
Draco: But Crabbe is dead!
Goyle: There, there. You still have me.
Harry: See? Your hot friend survived!
Draco and Goyle: [glare murderously at Harry]
Harry: Oh, well! Ron, Hermione, let’s go get Voldemort’s pet snake!
[The three of them come upon Percy, who’s fighting a duel with Thicknesse]
Thicknesse: You’re mean! I won’t let you have any more East Anglian ale or cider!
Percy: That’s alright-I prefer my ale to come from Devon! Take this!
[Percy curses Thicknesse to grow spines all over himself]
Fred: Hooray! You’re finally fighting the good fight! Let’s get drunk on Clearwater Ale when this is all over!
[But just then Fred’s killed in an explosion!]
McGonagall: So, anyway, we’re going to help you evacuate this castle so you’re not harmed in the upcoming battle for the fate of the Wizarding World.
Ernie MacMillan: What if we want to stay and fight?
McGonagall: Well, if you think you’re worthy of surviving this epic battle you’re more than welcome to, although since you’re a Hufflepuff the odds are not in your favor.
Random Slytherin girl: Where’s Headmaster Snape?
McGonagall: Oh, that slimy traitor’s run away like the dirty coward he is. Typical Slytherin cowardice.
Gryffindors: Hooray! The slimy Slytherin headmaster is no more!
Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw: This will probably make no difference to us, but let’s cheer anyway!
Random Slytherin girl: That’s not very nice!
McGonagall: [to random Slytherin girl] I’m ignoring you. [to crowd] But, as I was saying, Mr. Norris will help you evacuate-
Mr. Filch: My name is Filch, dammit!
McGonagall: --and your prefects will assist--
[But just then, she’s cut off by Voldemort!]
Voldemort: Bwahahahaha! Good evening, all you students of Hogwarts! I trust you are doing well? Anyway, I’ll be brief. I’m going to lay siege to this castle, and if you want to get out alive, you will hand over Harry Potter forthwith! If he is not within my possession by midnight I will ship you off in a cattle car, and proceed to…. Wait, what’s the cattle car for again? [Pause] Aha! I will ship you off to the shore and drown you in the ocean! [Pause] And I’m not lying about the cattle car this time-I have one right here! So in conclusion, give me Harry Potter if you want to live! BWAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Pansy Parkinson: Wait a minute-Harry Potter’s here, isn’t he? Oh, great! Let’s just hand him over and then we can all go home happy! I see no problems with this plan!
McGonagall: I should have known you slimy Slytherins would betray this noble school and the Chosen One it nurtured! Mr. Norris, take her and the rest of the Slytherins away from here!
[Once the Slytherins leave, the Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, and younger Gryffindors follow, but several of the older members of the three Houses stay behind]
McGonagall: Well, now that that’s settled, Harry, Ron, Hermione, go do whatever it is you were going to do while I take care of organizing everyone else.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Yes, Ma’am!
Harry: Wow, it’s a good thing she brought it up-for a moment there I forgot exactly what we were even doing here!
[They make their way back towards Ravenclaw tower]
Harry: Aha! I finally realized what to do to get the diadem!
Ron and Hermione: [incredulously] You have?
Harry: Yeah! Nobody’s seen it in living memory, right? So that means, we have to find someone who’s dead!
[Conveniently, Nearly Headless Nick is close by]
Harry: Nearly Headless Nick! Do you know where I can find the Grey Lady?
Nearly Headless Nick: She’s three feet in front of me, Harry.
[Sure enough, a little ways down the corridor, Harry can just make her out]
Harry: So she is! [Runs after her] Grey Lady, Grey Lady!
Grey Lady: Yes?
Harry: Do you know where Rowena Ravenclaw’s diadem is?
Grey Lady: And what use could you possibly have for such a thing?
Harry: I need it to help me defeat Voldemort!
Grey Lady: Oh, that makes a difference! Why don’t I tell you all about my torturous backstory?
Harry: Does it have to do with the diadem?
Grey Lady: Yes it does! See, I was Rowena Ravenclaw’s daughter!
Harry: You’re her daughter?! Well I never!
Grey Lady: It gets better. Did you know that I stole the diadem from my mother, and she lied to protect me? For years, in fact! Then she fell ill, and sent one Bloody Baron to find me! I didn’t go to visit my mother after all, but that’s irrelevant because he fancied me, and when I rejected him he killed me, then himself!
Harry: And the diadem?
Grey Lady: I hid it.
Harry: Where?
Grey Lady: Albania.
Harry: AAAAARGH! [Pause] Wait a moment…. Have you told anyone else this story?
Grey Lady: Oh, yeah. This boy named Tom Riddle, I told him all about it!
Harry: Tom Riddle, huh? I think I know what happened to your diadem.
Grey Lady: It’s been taken away from its hiding place?
Harry: Yes it has! By none other than Voldemort himself! Did you know that Tom Marvolo Riddle is I Am Lord Voldemort anagrammatized?
Grey Lady: Well when you put it like that, it does make sense.
Harry: So in conclusion, the diadem must be here! If only I knew where it was….
[As Harry’s running through the corridors thinking, he comes upon Hagrid, who’s walking Fang]
Hagrid: Harry! You’re still alive! How ever did you do it?!
Harry: Well, I am the main character. And the Chosen One on top of that.
Hagrid: Of course, how could I ever have doubted you?
Harry: Are you honestly going to fight with a wooden leg, one arm, and a spider leg around your neck?
Hagrid: I’ve been functioning just fine for most of the book, so why should I stop now?
Harry: I am so moved.
Hagrid: Anyway I’ve got Fang and Grawp to help me.
Harry: How did you convince Grawp to help you?
Hagrid: I told him after it was over we could visit the dragons in Romania. He wants a pet dragon, see.
Harry: You never learn, do you? [Pause] Anyway, you haven’t seen Ron or Hermione, have you?
Hagrid: No, I have not.
Harry: Let’s go look for them together!
Hagrid: Sounds good.
[They charge through the halls until they come upon the exit passage, where they run into Aberforth!]
Aberforth: Harry, don’t you think sending the children of Death Eaters to safety was a risky enterprise?
Harry: Oh, please-your brother would have wanted them to be safe! Are you, like, prejudiced against Slytherins?! Don’t go bringing Slytherin prejudice into it!
Aberforth: Oh, never mind.
[Harry runs into Ron and Hermione down the next corridor]
Harry: Where have you two been?!
Ron: Oh, we’ve just been to the Chamber of Secrets. See, it turns out that if you watch closely enough you can mimic Parseltongue even if you are not yourself a Parselmouth. Isn’t that convenient?
Harry: Convenient?! More like impossible!
Ron: Well, we disposed of one more Horcrux for you. You ought to be grateful.
Harry: Fine, fine. It’s one less thing we have to worry about. [Pause] In other news, I know where the diadem is!
Hermione: Where, where?!
Harry: The Room of Requirement!
Hermione: To the Room of Requirement!
[Along the way, they run into Tonks!]
Harry: Tonks?! What are you doing here?! Don’t you have a newborn infant to take care of?!
Tonks: Alas, it is my duty as a side character to join my husband in battle and die, thereby leaving behind an orphan child to continue the cycle. [Pause] I said so two books ago. But did you believe me? Nooooo.
Harry: You poor woman.
[They get to the Room of Requirement to find Ginny still inside]
Harry: Ginny, Ginny! There’s something very important we need this room to do! You’re going to have to leave!
Ginny: That’s fine by me. I want to go and fight.
Harry: That’s one way to look at it.
[Ginny leaves the room]
Ron: By the way, I kinda sorta maybe think we should get the house-elves evacuated, you know, so they don’t all get killed like Dobby.
Hermione: Oh, Ron! You’ve finally learned that house-elves are not and should not be entirely beneath your notice! [Glomps Ron and kisses his lips]
Harry and Ron: Can you not?
[They go a little ways back into the hallway, and then return to the door, which now opens on a room full of junk hidden over the centuries]
Harry: Alright, let’s split up. We’re looking for a statue of an old man wearing a tiara.
[They split up and run through the piles of junk, searching, searching. Eventually, Harry does find the diadem, but just then he runs into Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle!]
Draco: Aha! I have you now my pretty!
Harry: Draco?!
Draco: Yes, it is I, Draco Malfoy, and I have come to capture you!
Harry: But how did you even get in?!
Draco: Have you forgotten the entire Vanishing Cabinet subplot from last book?
Harry: There was a subplot involving a Vanishing Cabinet last book?
Draco: Yes, there was. The point is, I know my way around this place well enough!
Goyle: And we were watching you from outside this entire time under Dissilusionment charms! [Pause] So what is this diadem you’re after?
Harry: Wow, you’re really hot, Goyle! I never noticed that before!
Goyle: Whaaaaaaaaa?
Crabbe: Draco, Draco! Let me at him! I could do such nasty things to him!
Draco: No, I don’t think we should capture him just yet. Let him get his hands on the diadem first.
Crabbe: But why?! He’s right here and we can capture him easily! Who cares about the stupid diadem?!
Draco: Well…ah…because I said so, that’s why!
Crabbe and Goyle: [Snicker]
Crabbe: And why should I take you seriously, anyway? You’re nothing but a prop after all! You don’t even have your own wand anymore!
Goyle: Come to think of it, he’s right.
Draco: I…I’m not a prop! What are you talking about?!
Harry: Maybe I can get the diadem while they’re distracted…. [Starts moving in its general direction]
Crabbe: Oh, no you don’t! Crucio!
[He aims a Cruciatus at Harry, who narrowly misses]
Draco: What are you doing?! This isn’t supposed to happen!
Hermione: Stupefy!
Crabbe: Ha! You missed, mudblood! Avada kedavra!
[Hermione dodges the attack]
Draco: No! You’re not supposed to kill them…! [Whimpers]
Harry: Expelliarmus!
[Goyle loses his wand]
Goyle: What’d you do that for?! I’m not the one trying to kill you!
Harry: You’re not?
Goyle: [Sigh]
Crabbe: [Aims at Ron] Avada kedavra!
[Ron quickly jumps out of the way]
Crabbe: Oh, you think you’re a special snowflake that can just avoid Avada kedavra, do you?! See how you like this!
[Giant flames burst from Crabbe’s wand, transforming into beasts and threatening to envelop everyone]
Harry: Oh, no! We have to get out of here!
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione attempt to run away, as do Draco, Crabbe and Goyle, but the flames encircle them]
Ron: Now what should we do?!
Harry: Oh, look! Brooms!
[Harry and Ron grab brooms and fly above the flames, Hermione in tow]
Harry: You know, I think we should save Draco and Goyle as well.
Ron: What?!
Harry: It just wouldn’t be right to let them die.
[In due course, Harry and Ron find Draco and Goyle. Harry takes Draco onto his broom, and Ron takes Goyle onto his]
Harry: Oh, what a magnanimous Chosen One am I, to save even my worst enemy from a fiery death!
[Harry even manages to catch the diadem on his wrist, out of the mouth of a fire serpent]
[When they get outside, Harry notices that the diadem is blackened and black blood is coming out]
Harry: Cool. There’s one less Horcrux that we need to worry about!
Hermione: But to cast Fiendfyre in an enclosed space! Well, that’s one way to destroy a Horcrux, anyway.
Harry: Oh Slytherins! Look at me! Gaze well upon the face of your savior, the enemy of yours who so magnanimously saved your miserable, worthless lives!
Draco and Goyle: [Cry]
Draco: But Crabbe is dead!
Goyle: There, there. You still have me.
Harry: See? Your hot friend survived!
Draco and Goyle: [glare murderously at Harry]
Harry: Oh, well! Ron, Hermione, let’s go get Voldemort’s pet snake!
[The three of them come upon Percy, who’s fighting a duel with Thicknesse]
Thicknesse: You’re mean! I won’t let you have any more East Anglian ale or cider!
Percy: That’s alright-I prefer my ale to come from Devon! Take this!
[Percy curses Thicknesse to grow spines all over himself]
Fred: Hooray! You’re finally fighting the good fight! Let’s get drunk on Clearwater Ale when this is all over!
[But just then Fred’s killed in an explosion!]