Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 26
[For the attempted break-in of Gringotts, they decide Hermione will be Polyjuiced to look like Bellatrix]
Hermione: I really hate that I have to go as the woman who tortured me.
Harry: Well, look on the bright side-it’s only for one chapter.
Hermione: I can already tell it’s going to be a long chapter.
Ron: By the way, how are we going to get rid of Griphook?
Harry: I don’t have a clue!
Ron: That’s no help!
Harry: Well, since when have I ever had a clue before?
Ron: That’s not encouraging at all!
Harry: We’ll see what we can do at the time.
[The morning of the heist, they all meet up outside, with Hermione successfully transformed]
Hermione: Ron, I should transform you with magic so they don’t recognize you.
[Hermione does thus]
Ron: Is this really going to work?
Hermione: I don’t have a clue! But…I am Bellatrix Lestrange, after all-all I have to do is threaten to brutally murder them if they question you!
Griphook: Harry, why don’t I ride on your back under the Cloak?
Harry: And let your filthy hands touch me?!
Griphook: [Facepalm] You don’t have a lot of choice, you know-I’m the only one who can direct you.
Harry: Fine, fine.
[So Griphook attaches himself to Harry, who covers himself with the Cloak]
[They apparate to the Leaky Cauldron, where they’re greeted by Tom]
Tom: Bellatrix…Lestrange? Is it really you?
Hermione: Why yes it is. Do you have a problem with that?
Tom: N-no, no, not at all.
Hermione: Good. [Taps her way into Diagon Alley]
[Most people cower at the sight of them as they pass]
Hermione: I could get used to this!
[After a time, they run into one of the Death Eaters who came to Lovegood’s house!]
Death Eater: Bellatrix Lestrange?!
Hermione: I’m sorry, who are you again?
Death Eater: You don’t know?! It’s me, Travers!
Hermione: I’m sorry-I don’t normally bother to remember the names of lesser beings.
Travers: I’m a lesser being?! No, it’s the mudbloods who are lesser beings, didn’t you know that?!
Hermione: The mudbloods are lesser beings? I mean, the mudbloods are lesser beings! Yes, you’re quite right!
Travers: Yes, so lesser that most of them are beggars now. It’s just temporary, of course, until the Dark Lord comes back from the continent with a few cattle cars. [Pause] You know, I still don’t know why we even need those.
Hermione: Cattle cars? I mean, cattle cars!
Travers: Between you and me, I do wish the Dark Lord would stop pretending to be muggle dictators. The drinking fountain was a nice touch, but he’s gone too far this time. [Pause] By the way, I had heard that you and a few others had been stuck in Malfoy Manor ever since you allowed some prisoners to escape.
Hermione: Oh, that. Well…he was going to, but, ah, he changed his mind! Yeah! After all, he needed someone with my eye for detail to manage his affairs!
Travers: And you still have your wand? I heard it was stolen.
Hermione: As if I would ever let anyone take away my precious wand!
Travers: Alright, then. But who is your friend? [indicates Ron]
Hermione: Oh, he’s just a pet foreigner that the Dark Lord brought back from his trip to the continent.
Travers: Eew-a foreigner! [Pause] Wait a moment-are you telling me the Dark Lord not only didn’t punish you for letting prisoners escape, but let you have a foreigner as well?
Hermione: Well, you see….
Travers: That’s awfully forgiving of him, isn’t it?
Hermione: Alright, here’s the truth. This foreigner originally belonged to the Dark Lord, but I took him away while he was drunk. I didn’t tell him I was taking him, see.
Travers: If you say so….
Hermione: We were just on our way to Gringotts, see.
Travers: How convenient-so was I! Let’s go together!
Hermione: That’s really not necessary--!
Travers: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun!
Hermione: [Disgruntled] Fine, if you insist.
Travers: By the way, did I mention how much I hate goblins? I, like, really really hate goblins! Sometimes I have fantasies about having them cooked in pies!
Griphook and Harry: [Mouths open in shock]
Hermione: Sounds wonderful.
[They get to the door, only to find two wizards guarding it with probity probes]
Harry: [under breath] Confundo!
Both wizards: What just happened?
[Everyone hurries inside, with Hermione going up to the nearest goblin behind the counter]
Hermione: Mr. Goblin, sir, I need to make a withdrawal from my vault!
Goblin: And may I have your identification?
Hermione: Identification, you say? W-what kind of identification?
Goblin: Your wand will do.
Hermione: V-very well…here it is! [Produces wand and hands it to goblin]
Goblin: How did you get a new wand so fast? If I understand correctly your wand was stolen just a few days ago.
Travers: Huh. That’s what I was wondering about.
Harry: Oh, no! We’ve been discovered! What do I do?!
Griphook: Well you need to make them do what you want, don’t you? If only there was a spell that enabled you to let people do what you wanted!
Harry: Alright, I get the point. [points wand at goblin] Imperio!
Goblin: I am so high.
Harry: [points wand at Travers] And you too! Imperio!
Travers: I am so high too.
Hermione: Alright, then. [to goblin] You, take me to my vault. [to Travers] And you, forget what you just saw!
Travers: Duly noted.
[The goblin grabs a jingling leather bag and leads them to the door beyond which the vaults lie]
Other goblin: Bogrod, you can’t go to Lestrange’s vault! We’ve got orders!
Bogrod: Bother the orders-the power of Plot compels me!
Other goblin: I don’t like the sound of that.
[They all pile into the cart, which Bogrod steers. After a time, they get caught in an enchanted waterfall, which causes the cart to topple over]
Hermione: I’ll save you! Cushioning charm!
[So everyone lands safely]
Harry: What was that all about?!
Griphook: That enchanted waterfall is designed to strip away people’s disguises and concealments, so that no one may enter the vaults unauthorized.
Ron: Wow, what an idea! [Pause] Wait, why wasn’t there any of that stuff at the entrance to the bank?
Griphook: Er…our budget was tight this quarter?
Bogrod: Wait…what is going on?! How did I get down here?!
Harry: Oh, no! The curse is broken! Imperio!
Bogrod: I am so high!
Harry: Just take us to the Lestrange vault like you were going to.
Bogrod: Yes, master.
[They continue down the passageway, until they come upon a tied-up dragon]
Griphook: Don’t worry-we have a foolproof defense against that dragon! Bogrod, let’s you and I get out our clankers.
[The goblins remove the tools from the leather pouch and use them to make noise]
Dragon: AAAAAH! [Retreats deeper into cave]
Harry: You have a guard dragon that’s scared of loud noises?
Griphook: Well…yes….
Ron: That is the wimpiest dragon ever!
Griphook: I know, I know. But, well, would the Chosen One rather face a properly fierce dragon?
Harry: Point taken.
Ron: The more I think about it, the more I’m scared that we keep our money in this place.
Griphook: I told you, our budget isn’t what it once was! We’ve had to cut costs--
[But then they arrive at the vault]
Harry: Bogrod, can you open the vault for us?
Bogrod: Yes, master.
[He opens the vault, which they discover is full of valuable treasures]
[Just then, the door closes]
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAH! [Clutch one another]
Griphook: Don’t worry-Bogrod can get us out. Just concentrate on finding…whatever it is you’re looking for.
Harry: We’re looking for either Hufflepuff’s cup or something of Ravenclaw’s.
[Unfortunately, they quickly discover that anything they touch gets multiplied and burns their skin]
Harry: Aaagh! This isn’t what I signed up for!
[Soon Harry spots the cup, which is at the top of a treasure pile]
Harry: There’s no way I can reach that without touching anything-but I wonder if the sword can grab it?
Hermione: It’s right here!
[Hermione produces the sword and throws it to Harry]
Harry: Great! Oh, but I still can’t reach.
Hermione: I have just the spell! Levicorpus!
[Harry is hoisted up by his ankle, knocking into things and causing them to multiply]
Harry: Ow! Couldn’t you have used Wingardium leviosa or something?!
Hermione: Sorry….
[Harry succeeds in hooking the cup around the sword. However, when he releases himself Griphook takes the opportunity to grab the sword and run away, while Harry just manages to catch the cup]
Harry: No! You can’t just run away, dammit!
Hermione: Harry, we’ve got bigger problems.
Harry: What?!
Hermione: There’s a whole horde of goblins waiting for us outside this door, but if we stay in here we’ll be crushed by the treasure!
Harry: Is that so?
Hermione: Of course it is, you idiot!
Harry: Oh, well. We’ll just have to fight our way out.
[So they push through the doors and stun anyone they can reach]
Hermione: Now how do we get out?
Harry: I know! Let’s ride the dragon!
[He breaks the dragon’s tethers by magic, and then he, Ron, and Hermione hop on]
Harry: Alright, dragon, you want to be free from these awful goblins, don’t you?
Dragon: Oh, yeah!
Hermione: I’ll even blast a hole in the ceiling to help! [Does so]
Dragon: Hooray! I’m free!
The dragon takes off through the hole in the ceiling into the main hallway and then off into the sky]
Harry: We’ve got the cup and I got to look kind to animals. I’ll say this mission was a success.
Ron: Speak for yourself.
Hermione: I really hate that I have to go as the woman who tortured me.
Harry: Well, look on the bright side-it’s only for one chapter.
Hermione: I can already tell it’s going to be a long chapter.
Ron: By the way, how are we going to get rid of Griphook?
Harry: I don’t have a clue!
Ron: That’s no help!
Harry: Well, since when have I ever had a clue before?
Ron: That’s not encouraging at all!
Harry: We’ll see what we can do at the time.
[The morning of the heist, they all meet up outside, with Hermione successfully transformed]
Hermione: Ron, I should transform you with magic so they don’t recognize you.
[Hermione does thus]
Ron: Is this really going to work?
Hermione: I don’t have a clue! But…I am Bellatrix Lestrange, after all-all I have to do is threaten to brutally murder them if they question you!
Griphook: Harry, why don’t I ride on your back under the Cloak?
Harry: And let your filthy hands touch me?!
Griphook: [Facepalm] You don’t have a lot of choice, you know-I’m the only one who can direct you.
Harry: Fine, fine.
[So Griphook attaches himself to Harry, who covers himself with the Cloak]
[They apparate to the Leaky Cauldron, where they’re greeted by Tom]
Tom: Bellatrix…Lestrange? Is it really you?
Hermione: Why yes it is. Do you have a problem with that?
Tom: N-no, no, not at all.
Hermione: Good. [Taps her way into Diagon Alley]
[Most people cower at the sight of them as they pass]
Hermione: I could get used to this!
[After a time, they run into one of the Death Eaters who came to Lovegood’s house!]
Death Eater: Bellatrix Lestrange?!
Hermione: I’m sorry, who are you again?
Death Eater: You don’t know?! It’s me, Travers!
Hermione: I’m sorry-I don’t normally bother to remember the names of lesser beings.
Travers: I’m a lesser being?! No, it’s the mudbloods who are lesser beings, didn’t you know that?!
Hermione: The mudbloods are lesser beings? I mean, the mudbloods are lesser beings! Yes, you’re quite right!
Travers: Yes, so lesser that most of them are beggars now. It’s just temporary, of course, until the Dark Lord comes back from the continent with a few cattle cars. [Pause] You know, I still don’t know why we even need those.
Hermione: Cattle cars? I mean, cattle cars!
Travers: Between you and me, I do wish the Dark Lord would stop pretending to be muggle dictators. The drinking fountain was a nice touch, but he’s gone too far this time. [Pause] By the way, I had heard that you and a few others had been stuck in Malfoy Manor ever since you allowed some prisoners to escape.
Hermione: Oh, that. Well…he was going to, but, ah, he changed his mind! Yeah! After all, he needed someone with my eye for detail to manage his affairs!
Travers: And you still have your wand? I heard it was stolen.
Hermione: As if I would ever let anyone take away my precious wand!
Travers: Alright, then. But who is your friend? [indicates Ron]
Hermione: Oh, he’s just a pet foreigner that the Dark Lord brought back from his trip to the continent.
Travers: Eew-a foreigner! [Pause] Wait a moment-are you telling me the Dark Lord not only didn’t punish you for letting prisoners escape, but let you have a foreigner as well?
Hermione: Well, you see….
Travers: That’s awfully forgiving of him, isn’t it?
Hermione: Alright, here’s the truth. This foreigner originally belonged to the Dark Lord, but I took him away while he was drunk. I didn’t tell him I was taking him, see.
Travers: If you say so….
Hermione: We were just on our way to Gringotts, see.
Travers: How convenient-so was I! Let’s go together!
Hermione: That’s really not necessary--!
Travers: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun!
Hermione: [Disgruntled] Fine, if you insist.
Travers: By the way, did I mention how much I hate goblins? I, like, really really hate goblins! Sometimes I have fantasies about having them cooked in pies!
Griphook and Harry: [Mouths open in shock]
Hermione: Sounds wonderful.
[They get to the door, only to find two wizards guarding it with probity probes]
Harry: [under breath] Confundo!
Both wizards: What just happened?
[Everyone hurries inside, with Hermione going up to the nearest goblin behind the counter]
Hermione: Mr. Goblin, sir, I need to make a withdrawal from my vault!
Goblin: And may I have your identification?
Hermione: Identification, you say? W-what kind of identification?
Goblin: Your wand will do.
Hermione: V-very well…here it is! [Produces wand and hands it to goblin]
Goblin: How did you get a new wand so fast? If I understand correctly your wand was stolen just a few days ago.
Travers: Huh. That’s what I was wondering about.
Harry: Oh, no! We’ve been discovered! What do I do?!
Griphook: Well you need to make them do what you want, don’t you? If only there was a spell that enabled you to let people do what you wanted!
Harry: Alright, I get the point. [points wand at goblin] Imperio!
Goblin: I am so high.
Harry: [points wand at Travers] And you too! Imperio!
Travers: I am so high too.
Hermione: Alright, then. [to goblin] You, take me to my vault. [to Travers] And you, forget what you just saw!
Travers: Duly noted.
[The goblin grabs a jingling leather bag and leads them to the door beyond which the vaults lie]
Other goblin: Bogrod, you can’t go to Lestrange’s vault! We’ve got orders!
Bogrod: Bother the orders-the power of Plot compels me!
Other goblin: I don’t like the sound of that.
[They all pile into the cart, which Bogrod steers. After a time, they get caught in an enchanted waterfall, which causes the cart to topple over]
Hermione: I’ll save you! Cushioning charm!
[So everyone lands safely]
Harry: What was that all about?!
Griphook: That enchanted waterfall is designed to strip away people’s disguises and concealments, so that no one may enter the vaults unauthorized.
Ron: Wow, what an idea! [Pause] Wait, why wasn’t there any of that stuff at the entrance to the bank?
Griphook: Er…our budget was tight this quarter?
Bogrod: Wait…what is going on?! How did I get down here?!
Harry: Oh, no! The curse is broken! Imperio!
Bogrod: I am so high!
Harry: Just take us to the Lestrange vault like you were going to.
Bogrod: Yes, master.
[They continue down the passageway, until they come upon a tied-up dragon]
Griphook: Don’t worry-we have a foolproof defense against that dragon! Bogrod, let’s you and I get out our clankers.
[The goblins remove the tools from the leather pouch and use them to make noise]
Dragon: AAAAAH! [Retreats deeper into cave]
Harry: You have a guard dragon that’s scared of loud noises?
Griphook: Well…yes….
Ron: That is the wimpiest dragon ever!
Griphook: I know, I know. But, well, would the Chosen One rather face a properly fierce dragon?
Harry: Point taken.
Ron: The more I think about it, the more I’m scared that we keep our money in this place.
Griphook: I told you, our budget isn’t what it once was! We’ve had to cut costs--
[But then they arrive at the vault]
Harry: Bogrod, can you open the vault for us?
Bogrod: Yes, master.
[He opens the vault, which they discover is full of valuable treasures]
[Just then, the door closes]
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAH! [Clutch one another]
Griphook: Don’t worry-Bogrod can get us out. Just concentrate on finding…whatever it is you’re looking for.
Harry: We’re looking for either Hufflepuff’s cup or something of Ravenclaw’s.
[Unfortunately, they quickly discover that anything they touch gets multiplied and burns their skin]
Harry: Aaagh! This isn’t what I signed up for!
[Soon Harry spots the cup, which is at the top of a treasure pile]
Harry: There’s no way I can reach that without touching anything-but I wonder if the sword can grab it?
Hermione: It’s right here!
[Hermione produces the sword and throws it to Harry]
Harry: Great! Oh, but I still can’t reach.
Hermione: I have just the spell! Levicorpus!
[Harry is hoisted up by his ankle, knocking into things and causing them to multiply]
Harry: Ow! Couldn’t you have used Wingardium leviosa or something?!
Hermione: Sorry….
[Harry succeeds in hooking the cup around the sword. However, when he releases himself Griphook takes the opportunity to grab the sword and run away, while Harry just manages to catch the cup]
Harry: No! You can’t just run away, dammit!
Hermione: Harry, we’ve got bigger problems.
Harry: What?!
Hermione: There’s a whole horde of goblins waiting for us outside this door, but if we stay in here we’ll be crushed by the treasure!
Harry: Is that so?
Hermione: Of course it is, you idiot!
Harry: Oh, well. We’ll just have to fight our way out.
[So they push through the doors and stun anyone they can reach]
Hermione: Now how do we get out?
Harry: I know! Let’s ride the dragon!
[He breaks the dragon’s tethers by magic, and then he, Ron, and Hermione hop on]
Harry: Alright, dragon, you want to be free from these awful goblins, don’t you?
Dragon: Oh, yeah!
Hermione: I’ll even blast a hole in the ceiling to help! [Does so]
Dragon: Hooray! I’m free!
The dragon takes off through the hole in the ceiling into the main hallway and then off into the sky]
Harry: We’ve got the cup and I got to look kind to animals. I’ll say this mission was a success.
Ron: Speak for yourself.