Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 23
Hermione: Alright, we’ll be fine, just do exactly as I say.
Harry: And what’s that?
Hermione: Look at me.
Harry: Why do I have to--?
[Hermione hits his face with a spell that causes it to swell up]
Harry: Ow! What did you do that for?!
Hermione: To punish you for your blatant stupidity. Also, just maybe they won’t be able to tell it’s you.
[The Snatchers, one of which is Greyback, burst in!]
Hermione: Eew! You disgusting werewolf!
Greyback: [to Harry] Who the hell are you? Why does your face look so weird?
Harry: I…ah…I was born with this face!
Greyback: You expect me to believe that?! What is your name, boy?
Harry: My name is…ah…Vernon Dudley!
Scabior: Well, we’ll just have to check the wizarding registry for your name?
Harry: [to self] Didn’t think about that….
Scabior: [to Ron] Are you, by any chance, related to the Weasleys?
Ron: The Weasleys? No, not at all!
Scabior: You’ve got very characteristic red hair.
Ron: But…but…red hair is common in this series! Dumbledore used to have red hair, after all!
Greyback: Enough talk-let’s get these three idiots tied up.
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are tied up and left with Dean and Griphook while the Snatchers go to talk]
Scabior: So, I’ve checked the register and there’s no sign of Vernon Dudley.
Greyback: Something suspicious is going on.
Scabior: Vernon Dudley?
Harry: Yes?
Scabior: What Hogwarts house are you in?
Harry: I’m in Slyterin, of course!
Scabior: You’re the third person who’s told me that this week! And it’s only Monday! Well, if you are a Slytherin can you describe the common room to me?
Harry: I know that it’s behind the lake in the dungeons.
Scabior: Well, you seem to know more than I thought you would. Tell me, where does your father work?
Harry: At the Ministry!
Greyback: Well, then we’ll just scoop you up and take you to the Ministry, where your father can collect you.
Harry: No!
Greyback: What was that?
Harry: I mean…I mean, yes, of course, it just came out no.
Scabior: Greyback, Greyback! I’ve found a sword back here, and it looks important!
Greyback: An important-looking sword? Are you three sure you’re not major characters?
Harry: We’re not major characters at all!
Greyback: Then why do you have such an important-looking sword?
Harry: We’re…ah…going out on a quest, and thought we’d need something to slay dragons with.
Greyback: Dragons?
Harry: Yeah, dragons!
Greyback: And where did you get the sword from?
Harry: Ah…my father gave it to me as a coming-of-age present!
Greyback: So…is your father an important character, then?
Harry: No, that’s not it at all!
Scabior: Greyback, Greyback, I found something else interesting!
Greyback: Yes? What is it this time?
Scabior: [Displays a copy of the Daily Prophet] It’s got a picture of Hermione Granger, who looks exactly like this girl here! [to Hermione] You wouldn’t happen to be Hermione Granger, would you?
Hermione: Me, Hermione Granger? Oh, no-I’m just a very convincing lookalike!
Greyback: [to Harry] Say, are you by any chance…Harry Potter?
Harry: What!? I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Greyback: Come to think of it… [Brushes some of Harry’s hair out of his face] How come you’ve got this incredibly prominent and distinctive scar on your forehead?
Harry: S-scar?! W-what s-scar?!
Greyback: You know damn well what scar, you stupid brat! You are Harry Potter, aren’t you?!
Harry: Alright, alright, you’ve seen through my disguise. [Whimpers]
Greyback: Scabior, change of plans. We’re going to bring these prisoners to You-Know-Who!
Scabior: Great! Summon him for me, will you?
Greyback: Right away! [Searches arms] That’s odd. I could have sworn I had a Dark Mark. Perhaps it came off in the wash? Oh, well-we’ll just go to his hideout in Malfoy Manor instead!
[And so the Snatchers apparate to Malfoy Manor, prisoners and all]
Greyback: Malfoy, Malfoy! Let us inside! We’ve captured Harry Potter!
[The gates to the manor unlock and everyone is ushered in, where they meet up with Narcissa Malfoy]
Narcissa Malfoy: So, you’re the ones who captured Potter and his friends?
Greyback: That we did!
Narcissa Malfoy: I’m sorry-who are you again?
Greyback: What?! You know who I am!
Narcissa Malfoy: No, I can’t say I do.
Greyback: I’m Fenrir Greyback, the werewolf!
Narcissa Malfoy: Oh, I remember you! You’re that creepy werewolf! With the hair….
Greyback: Grrrrr….
Narcissa Malfoy: Well, if it’s true that you’ve brought us Harry Potter, I’m sure my son Draco can identify them! Draco, come here!
[Draco arrives, looking terrified]
Draco: Yes, Mother?
Narcissa Malfoy: Are any of these prisoners Harry Potter? Or associates of Harry Potter?
Draco: [Goes over to Harry and the prisoners] Sorta? Maybe? A little? I dunno! Please help me, Mother-I’m so scared! [Cries]
[But just then, Bellatrix enters!]
Bellatrix: I see I’m a little late. What did I miss?
Narcissa Malfoy: Some Snatchers here claim they’ve captured Harry Potter.
Bellatrix: Well, does he have the telltale scar on his head?
Narcissa Malfoy: Come to think of it, yes he does.
Bellatrix: Then it’s him!
Greyback: Well I’m glad that’s cleared up.
Snatcher: Say, can I keep the sword?
Bellatrix: Sword, you say? What sword is this?
Snatcher: I don’t know but it’s silver and studded with rubies!
Bellatrix: Aha! That’d be the Sword of Gryffindor! It’s mine, give it to me!
Snatcher: I didn’t know you were a Gryffindor!
Bellatrix: Well, sometimes they Sort too soon, you know….
Snatcher: But I like it! I wanna keep it!
Bellatrix: How dare you try to take away my property! Take that! [Stuns Snatchers, other than Greyback, and retrieves sword] Draco, be a dear and throw those idiots out of this house while I think what to do.
Draco: Y-you can’t just boss me around like that. [Whimpers]
Bellatrix: Would you like to put money on that?
Draco: No, of course not, Auntie.
[Draco does Bellatrix’s bidding]
Bellatrix: Now, Greyback, take everyone but this mudblood [indicates Hermione] to the dungeons. I’ll deal with her personally!
Greyback: Yes, Ma’am.
Ron: Nooooo! Don’t take my future wife! Take me instead!
Bellatrix: [Laughs] You must have confused me for someone who cared about your thoughts and feelings. Take him away!
[Greyback takes Harry, Ron, Dean, and Griphook down to the basement, where Luna and Ollivander are also being kept]
Greyback: Haha, Bellatrix is totally going to torture your girlfriend to death and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Ron: No! I can’t let her!
Greyback: I’d like to see you try to stop her. [Leaves]
Ron: Oh, this is terrible! My future wife, being raped and tortured by Miss Evil herself!
Luna: Don’t worry-I’ve got a conveniently-placed broken nail that I can use to cut us all free!
Harry: Wow, Luna-you’re amazing!
Ron: Please, forgive me for ever doubting you, Luna!
[Just then…]
Harry: Oh, look! I see Dumbledore’s eye in a mirror shard I just happen to have lying around! I wonder if I can ask it for help?
Ron: Harry, Dumbledore’s dead, how on earth--?
[In a little while, Draco comes downstairs]
Draco: So, anyway, Auntie Bellatrix has sent me to retrieve Griphook, so we can test the mudblood’s claim-
[But before he can open the door to the dungeon…]
Ron: Take this! [He clicks the Deluminator, which summons Dobby!]
Dobby: Aha! Now that I have arrived, you awful Death Eaters will be no match for Harry and his friends!
Harry: Great, great! Dobby, take Luna, Dean, and Ollivander!
Ron: They can go to Shell Cottage, near Tinworth!
Dobby: Aye aye, sir!
[Dobby disappears with Luna, Dean, and Ollivander]
Draco: Mother, Mother! Something weird is happening in the dungeons! Whatever should I do?!
Narcissa Malfoy: I know! Why don’t you ask Wormtail to go check on everyone!
Draco: An excellent idea! Snaketail! I’ve got a job for youuuuu!
[So Wormtail comes down into the dungeon]
Wormtail: Honestly, first Wormtail and now Snaketail…?
Harry: GET HIM, RON! AAAAAAARGH!
[Harry and Ron comically tackle Wormtail to the floor and pull his wand out of his hands]
Wormtail: AAAGH! Get off me you freaks! [Reaches for Harry’s throat with his hand]
Harry: Noooo! I will never be defeated by such an abject coward!
[But suddenly…]
Wormtail: HarryIloveyouwillyouhavesexwithme?
Harry: [Dumbfounded] What?!
Wormtail: Harry I love you will you have sex with me?
Harry and Ron: [Stare at each other for a beat, then burst out laughing]
Wormtail: Oh, no! My hand is turning on meeeeeeee! [Sure enough, Wormtail finds himself strangled to death by his own hand]
Harry: Oh, well. Let’s go!
[Harry and Ron charge upstairs to find Bellatrix interrogating Griphook]
Bellatrix: For the last time, is that sword real?
Griphook: Nope, it’s faker than You-Know-Who’s personality!
Bellatrix: You dare besmirch the good name of my Daddy Dark Lord? Just for that, I think I’ll call him here! [Opens her sleeve and prepares to touch her Dark Mark]
[Harry disappears into Voldemort’s mind again, where he’s talking to a ragged, elderly wizard]
Voldemort: And now, Grindlewald, you shall pay for depriving me of the chance to acquire--! [Pause] What’s that? I’ve been
summoned?! Dammit, and just when I was beginning to enjoy myself! Oh, well! Avada kedavra!
Grindlewald: AAAAAAAGH! [Dies]
[Meanwhile in Malfoy Manor]
Bellatrix: What’s taking him so long? I want my daddy. [Pouts]
Griphook: [Snicker]
Bellatrix: Don’t you dare laugh at me, you asshole! Just for that, I think I’ll kill this sorry mudblood and feed her to Greyback!
Ron: Nooooooooooooo!
Bellatrix: Yeeeeeeeeeees!
Ron: Expelliarmus!
[Ron disarms Bellatrix, and Harry grabs her wand]
Bellatrix: There goes my wand. Oh, well-I still have this! [Takes a silver knife in her hands] And this! [Grabs Hermione and holds the knife to her throat] Still think you can kill me? [to Draco] Grab their wands!
Ron: Oh, no! What ever should we do now?!
Harry: Perhaps if we cooperate with Bellatrix for five more seconds…?
[Both Ron and Harry drop the wands they have, which Draco retrieves]
[But just then, Dobby reappears!]
Dobby: Take this, you evil!
[Dobby bewitches the chandelier, which nearly hits Bellatrix and causes her to drop Hermione]
Draco: Mother, I got glass stuck in my beautiful face! [Cries]
Harry: I’ve got those wands! [Grabs the wands that Draco had been holding] Now then, Stupefy!
Greyback: AAAAAGH! [Falls over]
Bellatrix: It’s you?! That house-elf I’ve heard so much about?!
Dobby: The one and only! Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to take my new friends and escape to a place where you losers can’t follow!
Bellatrix: Oh, no you don’t! [Throws a knife at Dobby]
Harry: Dobby, let’s just get out of here!
[Harry disapparates for Shell Cottage with Ron, Griphook, and Dobby-but unfortunately Bellatrix’s knife gets stuck in Dobby’s chest]
Harry: Dobby! What’s wrong with you?!
Dobby: Help, Harry! I’m dying!
Harry: That’s alright, if you don’t remove the knife from your chest you won’t lose any more blood, and we can still find you a healer, and since you’ve got so much magic-
Dobby: Alas, it’s too late for me. Now I must go face Death, the lord and master of all creatures.
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dobby: YEEEEeeeeeeeessssssss…. [Dies]
Harry: NO! THEY KILLED DOBBY! THEY KILLED DOBBY! WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: And what’s that?
Hermione: Look at me.
Harry: Why do I have to--?
[Hermione hits his face with a spell that causes it to swell up]
Harry: Ow! What did you do that for?!
Hermione: To punish you for your blatant stupidity. Also, just maybe they won’t be able to tell it’s you.
[The Snatchers, one of which is Greyback, burst in!]
Hermione: Eew! You disgusting werewolf!
Greyback: [to Harry] Who the hell are you? Why does your face look so weird?
Harry: I…ah…I was born with this face!
Greyback: You expect me to believe that?! What is your name, boy?
Harry: My name is…ah…Vernon Dudley!
Scabior: Well, we’ll just have to check the wizarding registry for your name?
Harry: [to self] Didn’t think about that….
Scabior: [to Ron] Are you, by any chance, related to the Weasleys?
Ron: The Weasleys? No, not at all!
Scabior: You’ve got very characteristic red hair.
Ron: But…but…red hair is common in this series! Dumbledore used to have red hair, after all!
Greyback: Enough talk-let’s get these three idiots tied up.
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are tied up and left with Dean and Griphook while the Snatchers go to talk]
Scabior: So, I’ve checked the register and there’s no sign of Vernon Dudley.
Greyback: Something suspicious is going on.
Scabior: Vernon Dudley?
Harry: Yes?
Scabior: What Hogwarts house are you in?
Harry: I’m in Slyterin, of course!
Scabior: You’re the third person who’s told me that this week! And it’s only Monday! Well, if you are a Slytherin can you describe the common room to me?
Harry: I know that it’s behind the lake in the dungeons.
Scabior: Well, you seem to know more than I thought you would. Tell me, where does your father work?
Harry: At the Ministry!
Greyback: Well, then we’ll just scoop you up and take you to the Ministry, where your father can collect you.
Harry: No!
Greyback: What was that?
Harry: I mean…I mean, yes, of course, it just came out no.
Scabior: Greyback, Greyback! I’ve found a sword back here, and it looks important!
Greyback: An important-looking sword? Are you three sure you’re not major characters?
Harry: We’re not major characters at all!
Greyback: Then why do you have such an important-looking sword?
Harry: We’re…ah…going out on a quest, and thought we’d need something to slay dragons with.
Greyback: Dragons?
Harry: Yeah, dragons!
Greyback: And where did you get the sword from?
Harry: Ah…my father gave it to me as a coming-of-age present!
Greyback: So…is your father an important character, then?
Harry: No, that’s not it at all!
Scabior: Greyback, Greyback, I found something else interesting!
Greyback: Yes? What is it this time?
Scabior: [Displays a copy of the Daily Prophet] It’s got a picture of Hermione Granger, who looks exactly like this girl here! [to Hermione] You wouldn’t happen to be Hermione Granger, would you?
Hermione: Me, Hermione Granger? Oh, no-I’m just a very convincing lookalike!
Greyback: [to Harry] Say, are you by any chance…Harry Potter?
Harry: What!? I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Greyback: Come to think of it… [Brushes some of Harry’s hair out of his face] How come you’ve got this incredibly prominent and distinctive scar on your forehead?
Harry: S-scar?! W-what s-scar?!
Greyback: You know damn well what scar, you stupid brat! You are Harry Potter, aren’t you?!
Harry: Alright, alright, you’ve seen through my disguise. [Whimpers]
Greyback: Scabior, change of plans. We’re going to bring these prisoners to You-Know-Who!
Scabior: Great! Summon him for me, will you?
Greyback: Right away! [Searches arms] That’s odd. I could have sworn I had a Dark Mark. Perhaps it came off in the wash? Oh, well-we’ll just go to his hideout in Malfoy Manor instead!
[And so the Snatchers apparate to Malfoy Manor, prisoners and all]
Greyback: Malfoy, Malfoy! Let us inside! We’ve captured Harry Potter!
[The gates to the manor unlock and everyone is ushered in, where they meet up with Narcissa Malfoy]
Narcissa Malfoy: So, you’re the ones who captured Potter and his friends?
Greyback: That we did!
Narcissa Malfoy: I’m sorry-who are you again?
Greyback: What?! You know who I am!
Narcissa Malfoy: No, I can’t say I do.
Greyback: I’m Fenrir Greyback, the werewolf!
Narcissa Malfoy: Oh, I remember you! You’re that creepy werewolf! With the hair….
Greyback: Grrrrr….
Narcissa Malfoy: Well, if it’s true that you’ve brought us Harry Potter, I’m sure my son Draco can identify them! Draco, come here!
[Draco arrives, looking terrified]
Draco: Yes, Mother?
Narcissa Malfoy: Are any of these prisoners Harry Potter? Or associates of Harry Potter?
Draco: [Goes over to Harry and the prisoners] Sorta? Maybe? A little? I dunno! Please help me, Mother-I’m so scared! [Cries]
[But just then, Bellatrix enters!]
Bellatrix: I see I’m a little late. What did I miss?
Narcissa Malfoy: Some Snatchers here claim they’ve captured Harry Potter.
Bellatrix: Well, does he have the telltale scar on his head?
Narcissa Malfoy: Come to think of it, yes he does.
Bellatrix: Then it’s him!
Greyback: Well I’m glad that’s cleared up.
Snatcher: Say, can I keep the sword?
Bellatrix: Sword, you say? What sword is this?
Snatcher: I don’t know but it’s silver and studded with rubies!
Bellatrix: Aha! That’d be the Sword of Gryffindor! It’s mine, give it to me!
Snatcher: I didn’t know you were a Gryffindor!
Bellatrix: Well, sometimes they Sort too soon, you know….
Snatcher: But I like it! I wanna keep it!
Bellatrix: How dare you try to take away my property! Take that! [Stuns Snatchers, other than Greyback, and retrieves sword] Draco, be a dear and throw those idiots out of this house while I think what to do.
Draco: Y-you can’t just boss me around like that. [Whimpers]
Bellatrix: Would you like to put money on that?
Draco: No, of course not, Auntie.
[Draco does Bellatrix’s bidding]
Bellatrix: Now, Greyback, take everyone but this mudblood [indicates Hermione] to the dungeons. I’ll deal with her personally!
Greyback: Yes, Ma’am.
Ron: Nooooo! Don’t take my future wife! Take me instead!
Bellatrix: [Laughs] You must have confused me for someone who cared about your thoughts and feelings. Take him away!
[Greyback takes Harry, Ron, Dean, and Griphook down to the basement, where Luna and Ollivander are also being kept]
Greyback: Haha, Bellatrix is totally going to torture your girlfriend to death and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Ron: No! I can’t let her!
Greyback: I’d like to see you try to stop her. [Leaves]
Ron: Oh, this is terrible! My future wife, being raped and tortured by Miss Evil herself!
Luna: Don’t worry-I’ve got a conveniently-placed broken nail that I can use to cut us all free!
Harry: Wow, Luna-you’re amazing!
Ron: Please, forgive me for ever doubting you, Luna!
[Just then…]
Harry: Oh, look! I see Dumbledore’s eye in a mirror shard I just happen to have lying around! I wonder if I can ask it for help?
Ron: Harry, Dumbledore’s dead, how on earth--?
[In a little while, Draco comes downstairs]
Draco: So, anyway, Auntie Bellatrix has sent me to retrieve Griphook, so we can test the mudblood’s claim-
[But before he can open the door to the dungeon…]
Ron: Take this! [He clicks the Deluminator, which summons Dobby!]
Dobby: Aha! Now that I have arrived, you awful Death Eaters will be no match for Harry and his friends!
Harry: Great, great! Dobby, take Luna, Dean, and Ollivander!
Ron: They can go to Shell Cottage, near Tinworth!
Dobby: Aye aye, sir!
[Dobby disappears with Luna, Dean, and Ollivander]
Draco: Mother, Mother! Something weird is happening in the dungeons! Whatever should I do?!
Narcissa Malfoy: I know! Why don’t you ask Wormtail to go check on everyone!
Draco: An excellent idea! Snaketail! I’ve got a job for youuuuu!
[So Wormtail comes down into the dungeon]
Wormtail: Honestly, first Wormtail and now Snaketail…?
Harry: GET HIM, RON! AAAAAAARGH!
[Harry and Ron comically tackle Wormtail to the floor and pull his wand out of his hands]
Wormtail: AAAGH! Get off me you freaks! [Reaches for Harry’s throat with his hand]
Harry: Noooo! I will never be defeated by such an abject coward!
[But suddenly…]
Wormtail: HarryIloveyouwillyouhavesexwithme?
Harry: [Dumbfounded] What?!
Wormtail: Harry I love you will you have sex with me?
Harry and Ron: [Stare at each other for a beat, then burst out laughing]
Wormtail: Oh, no! My hand is turning on meeeeeeee! [Sure enough, Wormtail finds himself strangled to death by his own hand]
Harry: Oh, well. Let’s go!
[Harry and Ron charge upstairs to find Bellatrix interrogating Griphook]
Bellatrix: For the last time, is that sword real?
Griphook: Nope, it’s faker than You-Know-Who’s personality!
Bellatrix: You dare besmirch the good name of my Daddy Dark Lord? Just for that, I think I’ll call him here! [Opens her sleeve and prepares to touch her Dark Mark]
[Harry disappears into Voldemort’s mind again, where he’s talking to a ragged, elderly wizard]
Voldemort: And now, Grindlewald, you shall pay for depriving me of the chance to acquire--! [Pause] What’s that? I’ve been
summoned?! Dammit, and just when I was beginning to enjoy myself! Oh, well! Avada kedavra!
Grindlewald: AAAAAAAGH! [Dies]
[Meanwhile in Malfoy Manor]
Bellatrix: What’s taking him so long? I want my daddy. [Pouts]
Griphook: [Snicker]
Bellatrix: Don’t you dare laugh at me, you asshole! Just for that, I think I’ll kill this sorry mudblood and feed her to Greyback!
Ron: Nooooooooooooo!
Bellatrix: Yeeeeeeeeeees!
Ron: Expelliarmus!
[Ron disarms Bellatrix, and Harry grabs her wand]
Bellatrix: There goes my wand. Oh, well-I still have this! [Takes a silver knife in her hands] And this! [Grabs Hermione and holds the knife to her throat] Still think you can kill me? [to Draco] Grab their wands!
Ron: Oh, no! What ever should we do now?!
Harry: Perhaps if we cooperate with Bellatrix for five more seconds…?
[Both Ron and Harry drop the wands they have, which Draco retrieves]
[But just then, Dobby reappears!]
Dobby: Take this, you evil!
[Dobby bewitches the chandelier, which nearly hits Bellatrix and causes her to drop Hermione]
Draco: Mother, I got glass stuck in my beautiful face! [Cries]
Harry: I’ve got those wands! [Grabs the wands that Draco had been holding] Now then, Stupefy!
Greyback: AAAAAGH! [Falls over]
Bellatrix: It’s you?! That house-elf I’ve heard so much about?!
Dobby: The one and only! Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to take my new friends and escape to a place where you losers can’t follow!
Bellatrix: Oh, no you don’t! [Throws a knife at Dobby]
Harry: Dobby, let’s just get out of here!
[Harry disapparates for Shell Cottage with Ron, Griphook, and Dobby-but unfortunately Bellatrix’s knife gets stuck in Dobby’s chest]
Harry: Dobby! What’s wrong with you?!
Dobby: Help, Harry! I’m dying!
Harry: That’s alright, if you don’t remove the knife from your chest you won’t lose any more blood, and we can still find you a healer, and since you’ve got so much magic-
Dobby: Alas, it’s too late for me. Now I must go face Death, the lord and master of all creatures.
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dobby: YEEEEeeeeeeeessssssss…. [Dies]
Harry: NO! THEY KILLED DOBBY! THEY KILLED DOBBY! WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!