Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 21
Lovegood: So, as I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, the Deathly Hallows are an old legend that not everyone believes is true-but I’m one of those people who does believe it.
Hermione: But what exactly are they?
Lovegood: You are familiar with the Tale of the Three Brothers, right?
Hermione: Oh, yeah. I know that story by now!
Ron: As do I!
Harry: Still, you might want to explain it for our readers who haven’t picked up a copy of Beedle the Bard of their own.
Hermione: Will do. [Pulls out book] So, anyway, it’s the story of three brothers who are walking across a bridge when they run into Death, our lord and master, who offers them each a gift. The older brother asks for a powerful wand, the middle brother asks for a stone that can resurrect the dead, and the youngest brother, who doesn’t trust Death, asks for a way to leave without Death following him, so he gets an Invisibility Cloak.
Harry: Invisibility Cloak, you say?
Hermione: I’m ignoring you. Anyway, the first brother is killed in a duel, the second brother spends so much time around the ghost of an old love interest that he drives himself to suicide-
Harry: Does he drown himself, by any chance?
Lovegood: It doesn’t say. He probably dies differently in different versions.
Hermione: Anyway, the third brother lives a long time under the Invisibility Cloak, and when he’s old he gives it to his son and returns to Death, his lord and master, for good.
Lovegood: Correct. [Draws Deathly Hallows symbol] The Elder Wand, Resurrection Stone, and Cloak together form the Deathly Hallows, see? Whoever gathers all three objects is said to have the power to control Death, our lord and master.
Hermione: And you think they’re real?
Lovegood: Yes I do. However, since I am but a side character, I stand no chance of collecting them.
Hermione: But how can a simple Invisibility Cloak be a Deathly Hallow? Those things aren’t that rare.
Lovegood: Ah, but this Invisibility Cloak is eternal. Most of them fade over the years.
Harry: I’ve got a Cloak like that!
Lovegood: It figures. You are the Chosen One, after all.
Harry: Damn right I am! Hermione, I think these Hallows are totally real and we should totally ditch our search for the Horcruxes to go looking for them!
Hermione: No, no, no! We shall do no such thing!
Lovegood: If it helps, there have been reports about the Elder Wand, so there is good reason to think that one exists.
Harry: Aha! I’m right! Let’s search for this wand immediately-as the Chosen One I deserve to claim it for my own!
Lovegood: Did I mention that anyone who captures the Elder Wand or any wand at all from the person who currently owns the Elder Wand becomes its new master?
Harry: I don’t understand confusing trains of thought like that.
Lovegood: Oh, never mind. Doubtless the Wand will obey the Chosen One regardless.
Harry: Hooray!
Hermione: By the way, does the name Peverell sound familiar to you?
Lovegood: Oh, yes. Antioch, Cadmus, and Ignotus Peverell were three brothers believed to be the original owners of the Hallows.
Harry: Hermione, the name Peverell sounds so familiar! Where have I heard it before?!
Hermione: It was written on a stone in the graveyard at Godric’s Hollow, you idiot!
Harry: Oh, right! I remember now! [Pause] So in conclusion, let’s ditch our current quest and go searching for the Deathly Hallows!
Hermione and Ron: No, let’s not!
Harry: Both of you?!
Ron: Let’s face it, we still don’t know whether Lovegood’s telling the truth. Sometimes a children’s tale is just a children’s tale.
Hermione: Although he’s right that unbeatable wands are a common facet of wizarding history, or at least legend. Personally I think that’s stupid-why should any wand be better than the wizard who wields it?
Ron: That’s easy for you to say-you’re a girl.
Hermione: What’s that supposed to mean?
Ron: We wizards take great pride in our wands, how big they are, how thick, how well they polish, how expertly they discharge--
Hermione: That’s more than I needed to know.
Ron: But seriously, Harry, that Invisibility Cloak you’ve been using over the years is totally an artifact from Death.
Harry: Are you being sarcastic?
Ron: Oh, please-I don’t even know how to spell sarcasm!
Harry: Oh, yeah! My Cloak is totally more special than every other cloak in the world! Of course it is! Because I’m the Chosen One!
Hermione: Call yourself the Chosen One one more time-
Harry: Say, isn’t it odd that we haven’t seen Luna in all the time we’ve been here?
Lovegood: Er…excuse me. [Leaves]
Hermione: Come to think of it, yes.
Harry: I think I might just explore a bit.
[He wanders up the stairs, closely followed by Ron and Hermione. Upstairs, in Luna’s bedroom, they find pictures of themselves and Luna covered with gold chains that spell “Friends!”]
Ron: Well Luna just got creepy…er….
Harry: There’s dust all over her room. Something’s wrong.
[Lovegood appears]
Harry: Mr. Lovegood, Mr. Lovegood, where’s Luna?
Lovegood: I told you, she’s fishing.
Harry: That doesn’t make sense. I remember at the wedding you said she was a friend to all living things. She wouldn’t just go fishing.
Lovegood: Well, you’ve seen through my act.
Harry: Oh, yeah! What act are we speaking of?!
Lovegood: The Ministry of Magic kidnapped Luna, and they told me that I’d never see her again unless I cooperated. Now that you’re here I have to turn you in.
Ron: What? How dare you threaten our Harry?!
Harry: Yeah!
Lovegood: [Runs to block staircase] No, I can’t let you leave!
Harry: You can, and you will.
Lovegood: Stupefy!
[He aims a stunning spell at Harry, who ducks, causing the spell to hit the Erumpent horn instead. The room explodes]
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAAAAH!
[Meanwhile, some Death Eaters have entered the building]
Death Eater #1: Lovegood, you do have Harry Potter, right?
Lovegood: Oh, yeah. Upstairs.
Death Eater #2: I suppose he was the one responsible for that explosion upstairs?
Lovegood: Well…about that….
Death Eater #2: Never trust a stupid Ravenclaw hipster, that’s what I say!
Lovegood: Even you Slytherins look down on us Ravenclaws?
Death Eater #1: Better to be a villain than a nobody, I always say!
Death Eater #2: We can’t very well risk our life on that precarious-looking staircase that might explode again at any moment. Lovegood, go and fetch us Harry Potter.
Lovegood: If I do will you spare my sweet daughter?
Death Eater #1: Probably.
[Lovegood returns to the room Harry, Ron, and Hermione are in upstairs]
Hermione: I’m covering Ron and myself in the cloak.
Harry: What about me?
Hermione: You have to be seen so the Death Eaters don’t think Lovegood was lying to them! [Covers herself and Ron]
Lovegood: Oh, there you are, Harry Potter! Listen, be a dear and come down so I can show you to these Death Eaters….
Hermione: Obliviate!
Lovegood: Who are you? Who am I?
Hermione: Now, let’s get out of here! [Grabs Harry and Ron and disapparates]
Hermione: But what exactly are they?
Lovegood: You are familiar with the Tale of the Three Brothers, right?
Hermione: Oh, yeah. I know that story by now!
Ron: As do I!
Harry: Still, you might want to explain it for our readers who haven’t picked up a copy of Beedle the Bard of their own.
Hermione: Will do. [Pulls out book] So, anyway, it’s the story of three brothers who are walking across a bridge when they run into Death, our lord and master, who offers them each a gift. The older brother asks for a powerful wand, the middle brother asks for a stone that can resurrect the dead, and the youngest brother, who doesn’t trust Death, asks for a way to leave without Death following him, so he gets an Invisibility Cloak.
Harry: Invisibility Cloak, you say?
Hermione: I’m ignoring you. Anyway, the first brother is killed in a duel, the second brother spends so much time around the ghost of an old love interest that he drives himself to suicide-
Harry: Does he drown himself, by any chance?
Lovegood: It doesn’t say. He probably dies differently in different versions.
Hermione: Anyway, the third brother lives a long time under the Invisibility Cloak, and when he’s old he gives it to his son and returns to Death, his lord and master, for good.
Lovegood: Correct. [Draws Deathly Hallows symbol] The Elder Wand, Resurrection Stone, and Cloak together form the Deathly Hallows, see? Whoever gathers all three objects is said to have the power to control Death, our lord and master.
Hermione: And you think they’re real?
Lovegood: Yes I do. However, since I am but a side character, I stand no chance of collecting them.
Hermione: But how can a simple Invisibility Cloak be a Deathly Hallow? Those things aren’t that rare.
Lovegood: Ah, but this Invisibility Cloak is eternal. Most of them fade over the years.
Harry: I’ve got a Cloak like that!
Lovegood: It figures. You are the Chosen One, after all.
Harry: Damn right I am! Hermione, I think these Hallows are totally real and we should totally ditch our search for the Horcruxes to go looking for them!
Hermione: No, no, no! We shall do no such thing!
Lovegood: If it helps, there have been reports about the Elder Wand, so there is good reason to think that one exists.
Harry: Aha! I’m right! Let’s search for this wand immediately-as the Chosen One I deserve to claim it for my own!
Lovegood: Did I mention that anyone who captures the Elder Wand or any wand at all from the person who currently owns the Elder Wand becomes its new master?
Harry: I don’t understand confusing trains of thought like that.
Lovegood: Oh, never mind. Doubtless the Wand will obey the Chosen One regardless.
Harry: Hooray!
Hermione: By the way, does the name Peverell sound familiar to you?
Lovegood: Oh, yes. Antioch, Cadmus, and Ignotus Peverell were three brothers believed to be the original owners of the Hallows.
Harry: Hermione, the name Peverell sounds so familiar! Where have I heard it before?!
Hermione: It was written on a stone in the graveyard at Godric’s Hollow, you idiot!
Harry: Oh, right! I remember now! [Pause] So in conclusion, let’s ditch our current quest and go searching for the Deathly Hallows!
Hermione and Ron: No, let’s not!
Harry: Both of you?!
Ron: Let’s face it, we still don’t know whether Lovegood’s telling the truth. Sometimes a children’s tale is just a children’s tale.
Hermione: Although he’s right that unbeatable wands are a common facet of wizarding history, or at least legend. Personally I think that’s stupid-why should any wand be better than the wizard who wields it?
Ron: That’s easy for you to say-you’re a girl.
Hermione: What’s that supposed to mean?
Ron: We wizards take great pride in our wands, how big they are, how thick, how well they polish, how expertly they discharge--
Hermione: That’s more than I needed to know.
Ron: But seriously, Harry, that Invisibility Cloak you’ve been using over the years is totally an artifact from Death.
Harry: Are you being sarcastic?
Ron: Oh, please-I don’t even know how to spell sarcasm!
Harry: Oh, yeah! My Cloak is totally more special than every other cloak in the world! Of course it is! Because I’m the Chosen One!
Hermione: Call yourself the Chosen One one more time-
Harry: Say, isn’t it odd that we haven’t seen Luna in all the time we’ve been here?
Lovegood: Er…excuse me. [Leaves]
Hermione: Come to think of it, yes.
Harry: I think I might just explore a bit.
[He wanders up the stairs, closely followed by Ron and Hermione. Upstairs, in Luna’s bedroom, they find pictures of themselves and Luna covered with gold chains that spell “Friends!”]
Ron: Well Luna just got creepy…er….
Harry: There’s dust all over her room. Something’s wrong.
[Lovegood appears]
Harry: Mr. Lovegood, Mr. Lovegood, where’s Luna?
Lovegood: I told you, she’s fishing.
Harry: That doesn’t make sense. I remember at the wedding you said she was a friend to all living things. She wouldn’t just go fishing.
Lovegood: Well, you’ve seen through my act.
Harry: Oh, yeah! What act are we speaking of?!
Lovegood: The Ministry of Magic kidnapped Luna, and they told me that I’d never see her again unless I cooperated. Now that you’re here I have to turn you in.
Ron: What? How dare you threaten our Harry?!
Harry: Yeah!
Lovegood: [Runs to block staircase] No, I can’t let you leave!
Harry: You can, and you will.
Lovegood: Stupefy!
[He aims a stunning spell at Harry, who ducks, causing the spell to hit the Erumpent horn instead. The room explodes]
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAAAAH!
[Meanwhile, some Death Eaters have entered the building]
Death Eater #1: Lovegood, you do have Harry Potter, right?
Lovegood: Oh, yeah. Upstairs.
Death Eater #2: I suppose he was the one responsible for that explosion upstairs?
Lovegood: Well…about that….
Death Eater #2: Never trust a stupid Ravenclaw hipster, that’s what I say!
Lovegood: Even you Slytherins look down on us Ravenclaws?
Death Eater #1: Better to be a villain than a nobody, I always say!
Death Eater #2: We can’t very well risk our life on that precarious-looking staircase that might explode again at any moment. Lovegood, go and fetch us Harry Potter.
Lovegood: If I do will you spare my sweet daughter?
Death Eater #1: Probably.
[Lovegood returns to the room Harry, Ron, and Hermione are in upstairs]
Hermione: I’m covering Ron and myself in the cloak.
Harry: What about me?
Hermione: You have to be seen so the Death Eaters don’t think Lovegood was lying to them! [Covers herself and Ron]
Lovegood: Oh, there you are, Harry Potter! Listen, be a dear and come down so I can show you to these Death Eaters….
Hermione: Obliviate!
Lovegood: Who are you? Who am I?
Hermione: Now, let’s get out of here! [Grabs Harry and Ron and disapparates]