Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 28
Snape: Well…we’d best be getting out of here now.
[He begins ushering the Death Eaters into the stairwell. Harry pursues them.]
Harry: Petrificus totalus!
Fenrir Greyback: Aaaaaaaah! [Falls down]
[Eventually he comes upon Amycus Carrow, who is menacing Ginny with Alecto’s help]
Harry: Impedimenta!
Amycus Carrow: Aaaaaah!
Ginny: My hero!
[Harry continues to run, eventually coming upon Neville lying on the floor]
Harry: Navel, Navel! What happened to you?!
Neville: [Slowly picks himself up] I’ve been attacked, that’s what! And my name’s not Navel!
Harry: You wouldn’t happen to have seen Snape, would you?
Neville: He went that way. [Points]
[Harry runs in the direction Neville’s pointing. At some length, he catches up with Snape and Draco, who are fleeing across the grounds]
Harry: I’ve got you now, Snape! Stupefy!
[Harry casts the spell, but Snape blocks it and sends Draco running away]
Harry: Damn you! You horrible monster! You murdered my angel, Dumbledore!
Snape: There are some things you’re too stupid to understand.
Harry: Call me stupid, will you?! Sectumsempra!
[Snape easily blocks the spell]
Harry: What?! How are you so good at blocking that spell! I thought only the Half-Blood Prince knew about it!
Snape: I am the Half-Blood Prince.
Harry: WHAT?!
Snape: Surprised? [Disarms Harry]
Harry: Aagh! You know what? Fuck all this! Just kill me now! Kill me so I can go be with Dumbledore!
Snape: No. I refuse. [Fires a spell at Harry that puts him on his back]
[But just then, Buckbeak attacks!]
Buckbeak: I don’t know who you are, but whoever you are go away and leave me alone!
[Snape is forced to flee]
[Meanwhile, Hagrid comes up to Harry, except that he’s now missing a right arm and a left leg, and wearing a giant spider leg around his neck]
Harry: Hagrid! W-what the hell happened to you?!
Hagrid: Acromantulas were involved. Don’t ask.
Harry: Hagrid, did you know your house is on fire?
Hagrid: Oh, yeah. It is. Let’s put it out together!
[He and Harry do thus]
Hagrid: You know, you don’t look so good yourself.
Harry: It’s Snape! Snape killed Dumbledore!
Hagrid: Snape killed Dumbledore?
Harry: Yeah, Snape killed Dumbledore! That’s what I said!
Hagrid: Maybe you should put some spoiler tags around that?
Harry: There’s no time! He killed my angel Dumbledore and now he must pay dearly!
Hagrid: He already got away. Some other time, perhaps.
[Meanwhile, all the Death Eaters have fled, and the students and staff are now on the lawn]
Harry: Oh, no! They’ve come to gawk at my angel’s dead body! I must be the first to lay eyes upon it, for I am the Chosen One!
[Harry finds Dumbledore’s body…]
Harry: Oh, my angel! How did it ever come to this?! How could you die and leave me behind?! Now who will tell me what to do and think?!
[He fishes the locket out of Dumbledore’s pocket…]
Harry: There’s a note. It says here…that this locket is a fake, and that someone named RAB took the real locket and hid it away?! Aaagh! My precious angel, dead for nothing!
[He begins ushering the Death Eaters into the stairwell. Harry pursues them.]
Harry: Petrificus totalus!
Fenrir Greyback: Aaaaaaaah! [Falls down]
[Eventually he comes upon Amycus Carrow, who is menacing Ginny with Alecto’s help]
Harry: Impedimenta!
Amycus Carrow: Aaaaaah!
Ginny: My hero!
[Harry continues to run, eventually coming upon Neville lying on the floor]
Harry: Navel, Navel! What happened to you?!
Neville: [Slowly picks himself up] I’ve been attacked, that’s what! And my name’s not Navel!
Harry: You wouldn’t happen to have seen Snape, would you?
Neville: He went that way. [Points]
[Harry runs in the direction Neville’s pointing. At some length, he catches up with Snape and Draco, who are fleeing across the grounds]
Harry: I’ve got you now, Snape! Stupefy!
[Harry casts the spell, but Snape blocks it and sends Draco running away]
Harry: Damn you! You horrible monster! You murdered my angel, Dumbledore!
Snape: There are some things you’re too stupid to understand.
Harry: Call me stupid, will you?! Sectumsempra!
[Snape easily blocks the spell]
Harry: What?! How are you so good at blocking that spell! I thought only the Half-Blood Prince knew about it!
Snape: I am the Half-Blood Prince.
Harry: WHAT?!
Snape: Surprised? [Disarms Harry]
Harry: Aagh! You know what? Fuck all this! Just kill me now! Kill me so I can go be with Dumbledore!
Snape: No. I refuse. [Fires a spell at Harry that puts him on his back]
[But just then, Buckbeak attacks!]
Buckbeak: I don’t know who you are, but whoever you are go away and leave me alone!
[Snape is forced to flee]
[Meanwhile, Hagrid comes up to Harry, except that he’s now missing a right arm and a left leg, and wearing a giant spider leg around his neck]
Harry: Hagrid! W-what the hell happened to you?!
Hagrid: Acromantulas were involved. Don’t ask.
Harry: Hagrid, did you know your house is on fire?
Hagrid: Oh, yeah. It is. Let’s put it out together!
[He and Harry do thus]
Hagrid: You know, you don’t look so good yourself.
Harry: It’s Snape! Snape killed Dumbledore!
Hagrid: Snape killed Dumbledore?
Harry: Yeah, Snape killed Dumbledore! That’s what I said!
Hagrid: Maybe you should put some spoiler tags around that?
Harry: There’s no time! He killed my angel Dumbledore and now he must pay dearly!
Hagrid: He already got away. Some other time, perhaps.
[Meanwhile, all the Death Eaters have fled, and the students and staff are now on the lawn]
Harry: Oh, no! They’ve come to gawk at my angel’s dead body! I must be the first to lay eyes upon it, for I am the Chosen One!
[Harry finds Dumbledore’s body…]
Harry: Oh, my angel! How did it ever come to this?! How could you die and leave me behind?! Now who will tell me what to do and think?!
[He fishes the locket out of Dumbledore’s pocket…]
Harry: There’s a note. It says here…that this locket is a fake, and that someone named RAB took the real locket and hid it away?! Aaagh! My precious angel, dead for nothing!