Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 17
[Harry and his friends take the Floo back to Hogwarts]
Mrs. Weasley: T-take care…! [Bursts into tears]
Harry: Your mother has been so upset lately.
Ginny: Oh, she’s probably just upset because Percy left after Fred, George, and I threw the remainder of our food at him. I can’t imagine why!
[Back at Hogwarts, they meet up with Hermione in the common room]
Lavender: Won-Won! [Runs up to Ron and glomps him] How was your Christmas? Did you miss me, Won-Won, dear?
Ron: Why have you decided to call me Won-Won?
Lavender: If your name’s two syllables instead of just one maybe our conversations will get longer and more interesting?
Hermione: So…anyway, Dumbledore’s sent you a new message, Harry.
Harry: Oh joy! Now I’ll get to tell him the truth about Draco!
Hermione: The…truth about Draco?
Harry: Draco is up to something evil and sinister! And Snape is in on it! I saw them scheming together at Slutborn’s party!
Hermione: Do you actually know that Snape was trying to collude with Draco?
Harry: Well…I can’t see why else he would be offering to help Draco!
Hermione: Yes, but do you actually know this has anything to do with the Death Eaters?
Harry: Oh, come on-what else would it possibly have to do with?! But…anyway…I had a chance to talk to Lupin at the Burrow. He mentioned a man named Fenrir Greyback. Do you know who that is?
Hermione: Fenrir Greyback! That’s a name Draco used to threaten Borgin with!
Harry: Oh, yeah! Aha! Greyback is helping Voldemort! This proves that Draco is a Death Eater!
Hermione: I don’t know about that-Draco could have been making an empty threat.
Harry: Oh, come on! Draco is a Death Eater, this much I know!
Hermione: Whatever.
Harry: Oh, and Scrimgeour showed up for Christmas dinner. He’s such a freak! He zapped me with his wand so many times I lost count!
Hermione: Yeah, well…we all knew he was bad news. What did he want?
Harry: He wanted my allegiance. As if I would ever whore myself out to the Ministry after the way they treated me! No, I only whore myself out to Dumbledore!
Hermione: Can’t argue with that!
[A flyer advertising apparition lessons appears on the notice board]
Hermione: Oh, cool!
Harry: Speak for yourself. I’ve done it with Dumbledore and it’s not that fun.
Ron: Oh, I really hope I pass my apparition test the first time! Fred and George did! If I fail it they’ll make me miserable! …Well, more than they already do, anyway….
[Dumbledore’s meeting arrives]
Harry: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! I’ve got proof that Draco is a Death Eater and Snape is his accomplice!
Dumbledore: Yes? And what might this proof be?
Harry: Well, during Slutborn’s party, I overheard the two of them holding a suspicious conversation! What could I have concluded from this, except that Draco was a Death Eater?!
Dumbledore: Well, to be perfectly blunt, you could have concluded a lot of things, none of which bear the slightest relevance to what we’ll be discussing tonight.
Harry: But--!
Dumbledore: Don’t worry your pretty little head about that. Tell me about your meeting with the Minister of Magic.
Harry: Oh, that? Well, I proudly stood up to that asshole and told him I would never abandon you for him. He decided to respond by zapping me with his wand.
Dumbledore: Yes, that’s quite typical of him. But you made the right decision. Don’t let those stupid Ministry heads tell you what to do-just let me tell you what to do and all will be well.
Harry: Agreed.
Dumbledore: Well, now that that’s settled, let’s go looking through some memories! I should preface this by saying that when Tom Rid first came to Hogwarts he didn’t stand out as particularly dangerous-well, other than being sorted into Slytherin, which you and I both know is the house of evil scumbags. But anyway, although I kept the best and most watchful eye on him, I noticed nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever except that he gathered a group of rather shifty-looking followers, who would go on to become the first Death Eaters. Please don’t take this to mean they were his friends-as I’ve already made abundantly clear Voldemort is a lesser being utterly incapable of even comprehending much less actually engaging in friendship!
Harry: So how did he find out about his family?
Dumbledore: I’m glad you asked! As it happened, Tom Rid was interested in his family. His first disappointment was when he learned that his father was not a wizard. See, he hadn’t initially credited that his mother might be a witch, since he couldn’t imagine how any magical person would ever die and abandon him. He traced his family line through the name “Marvolo,” apparently.
Harry: Did you get all that by interviewing people or obtaining their memories?
Dumbledore: Nope! I saw what I saw and what I couldn’t see I guessed! I’m the most clever wizard in the world, so anything about Tom Rid’s past that was remotely important I can be sure I already know! But, enough of that-let’s have a look into this first memory I’ve got here!
[Dumbledore pours the memory into the Pensieve, and he and Harry disappear inside. They find themselves in the Gaunts’ house again, though only Morfin occupies it now]
[There’s a knock on the door, and a teenaged Voldemort enters]
Harry: Look, it’s teenaged Voldemort! Wow, he was so hot!
Dumbledore: First me and now Voldemort? How many younger versions of people are you going to fancy?
Harry: You were still much hotter, Master.
Dumbledore: That’s better.
Morfin: [Grabs knife] Halt! Who goes there?
Voldemort: It’s me. Marvolo’s grandson. Who are you?
Morfin: My nephew?! I thought you’d be dead by now!
Voldemort: My uncle?!
Morfin: Yes. Morfin’s my name. Say, you look like the muggle who lives next door.
Voldemort: Do I? Well, I can’t say I wish I’d inherited your looks!
Morfin: Are you calling me ugly?!
Voldemort: Well you are.
Morfin: No I’m not!
Voldemort: Well…never mind that. Where is Marvolo?
Morfin: Ha! Marvolo’s been dead for about fifteen years now!
Voldemort: Such a shame. [Sees a ring on Morfin’s finger] Say, that’s a nice ring. Where did you get it?
Morfin: Oh, this thing? It’s been in the family as long as I can remember. We used to have a locket, too, but your stupid mother ran off and took it with her!
Voldemort: With the muggle, you mean?
Morfin: The very same.
Voldemort: Do you hate that muggle?
Morfin: I hate him so much! I’d kill him if given half a chance!
Voldemort: Well, how about I make you a deal? I hate that muggle too, and want him dead, so I was going to go over there and kill him myself! How would you like to take the credit?
Morfin: Would I ever! Wow, Nephew-you’re a genius!
Voldemort: I’ll just need to borrow your wand.
Morfin: By all means! I can barely use it anyway! [Produces his wand and hands it to Voldemort]
Voldemort: Oh, and can I have your ring as well?
Morfin: Now why would you need a ring to go murder someone?
Voldemort: Well…I….ah…want to murder him with style! I can wave this ring in my face to show off how wealthy and successful I am now that I’m a powerful magic user!
Morfin: Do you promise you’ll give it back?
Voldemort: Of course! You can count on me!
Morfin: Well…alright. If you say so…. [Hands over the ring]
Voldemort: Thank you! Much appreciated!
[Dumbledore and Harry exit the Pensieve]
Dumbledore: Needless to say, Morfin was convicted of murdering the last Riddles and sentenced to Azkaban not long afterwards. He died there, having never recovered his ring.
Harry: But how come nobody could trace Voldemort? I mean, he was underage at the time, right?
Dumbledore: Well, it’s difficult to detect underage magic in a house where everyone uses magic, no?*
Harry: I feel so sorry for Morfin. Tortured to death in Azkaban like that….
Dumbledore: I concur. Let’s be magnanimous together, and reflect on how much better we would have handled the case of this man who has been dead for years before you were even born. But, anyway, there’s still one more memory we need to look at….
[Dumbledore pours another potion into the Pensieve]
Harry: This memory looks a bit funny.
Dumbledore: Huh. Oh, well-it’s worth a try, anyway.
[They disappear into the memory]
[They appear in Slughorn’s room, where he’s speaking to teenage Voldemort and some of his friends]
Harry: Look, look! Voldemort’s already wearing his uncle’s ring!
Dumbledore: So he is. Remember this-it’s important.
Slughorn: So, Tom, you sure are a promising student. And so thoughtful. I love the candied pineapple you sent me! You will go far in this world!
Voldemort: Aww, you’re too kind, Professor. Say, can I ask you a top secret question?
Slughorn: You can ask me anything you want! Just say the word, and Slughorn will deliver!
Voldemort: Well, I just want to know a bit about, a little thing called, Horcruxes!
[Suddenly, the memory starts acting up…]
Harry: What the hell just happened?!
Dumbledore: We’d better get out of here.
[He returns himself and Harry to the office]
Dumbledore: So, it appears Slutborn has modified his own memories. No doubt he was too ashamed to admit his failings. Typical Slytherin cowardice….
Harry: I didn’t know you could tamper with memories.
Dumbledore: Well, if he tampered with them, that means he does hold the real memory still inside his head.
Harry: Great!
Dumbledore: So you’re going to have to retrieve it.
Harry: But why me? Aren’t you much older and cleverer than me? As you’re so fond of reminding me….
Dumbledore: But he trusts you more than me. It’s got to be you who does it.
Harry: But how am I supposed to do it?!
Dumbledore: I don’t know. You’re the Chosen One. You figure it out.
*A/N: So basically Terri_Testing’s theory about the Reasonable Restrictions on Underage Magic is canon (or as good as canon)
Mrs. Weasley: T-take care…! [Bursts into tears]
Harry: Your mother has been so upset lately.
Ginny: Oh, she’s probably just upset because Percy left after Fred, George, and I threw the remainder of our food at him. I can’t imagine why!
[Back at Hogwarts, they meet up with Hermione in the common room]
Lavender: Won-Won! [Runs up to Ron and glomps him] How was your Christmas? Did you miss me, Won-Won, dear?
Ron: Why have you decided to call me Won-Won?
Lavender: If your name’s two syllables instead of just one maybe our conversations will get longer and more interesting?
Hermione: So…anyway, Dumbledore’s sent you a new message, Harry.
Harry: Oh joy! Now I’ll get to tell him the truth about Draco!
Hermione: The…truth about Draco?
Harry: Draco is up to something evil and sinister! And Snape is in on it! I saw them scheming together at Slutborn’s party!
Hermione: Do you actually know that Snape was trying to collude with Draco?
Harry: Well…I can’t see why else he would be offering to help Draco!
Hermione: Yes, but do you actually know this has anything to do with the Death Eaters?
Harry: Oh, come on-what else would it possibly have to do with?! But…anyway…I had a chance to talk to Lupin at the Burrow. He mentioned a man named Fenrir Greyback. Do you know who that is?
Hermione: Fenrir Greyback! That’s a name Draco used to threaten Borgin with!
Harry: Oh, yeah! Aha! Greyback is helping Voldemort! This proves that Draco is a Death Eater!
Hermione: I don’t know about that-Draco could have been making an empty threat.
Harry: Oh, come on! Draco is a Death Eater, this much I know!
Hermione: Whatever.
Harry: Oh, and Scrimgeour showed up for Christmas dinner. He’s such a freak! He zapped me with his wand so many times I lost count!
Hermione: Yeah, well…we all knew he was bad news. What did he want?
Harry: He wanted my allegiance. As if I would ever whore myself out to the Ministry after the way they treated me! No, I only whore myself out to Dumbledore!
Hermione: Can’t argue with that!
[A flyer advertising apparition lessons appears on the notice board]
Hermione: Oh, cool!
Harry: Speak for yourself. I’ve done it with Dumbledore and it’s not that fun.
Ron: Oh, I really hope I pass my apparition test the first time! Fred and George did! If I fail it they’ll make me miserable! …Well, more than they already do, anyway….
[Dumbledore’s meeting arrives]
Harry: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! I’ve got proof that Draco is a Death Eater and Snape is his accomplice!
Dumbledore: Yes? And what might this proof be?
Harry: Well, during Slutborn’s party, I overheard the two of them holding a suspicious conversation! What could I have concluded from this, except that Draco was a Death Eater?!
Dumbledore: Well, to be perfectly blunt, you could have concluded a lot of things, none of which bear the slightest relevance to what we’ll be discussing tonight.
Harry: But--!
Dumbledore: Don’t worry your pretty little head about that. Tell me about your meeting with the Minister of Magic.
Harry: Oh, that? Well, I proudly stood up to that asshole and told him I would never abandon you for him. He decided to respond by zapping me with his wand.
Dumbledore: Yes, that’s quite typical of him. But you made the right decision. Don’t let those stupid Ministry heads tell you what to do-just let me tell you what to do and all will be well.
Harry: Agreed.
Dumbledore: Well, now that that’s settled, let’s go looking through some memories! I should preface this by saying that when Tom Rid first came to Hogwarts he didn’t stand out as particularly dangerous-well, other than being sorted into Slytherin, which you and I both know is the house of evil scumbags. But anyway, although I kept the best and most watchful eye on him, I noticed nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever except that he gathered a group of rather shifty-looking followers, who would go on to become the first Death Eaters. Please don’t take this to mean they were his friends-as I’ve already made abundantly clear Voldemort is a lesser being utterly incapable of even comprehending much less actually engaging in friendship!
Harry: So how did he find out about his family?
Dumbledore: I’m glad you asked! As it happened, Tom Rid was interested in his family. His first disappointment was when he learned that his father was not a wizard. See, he hadn’t initially credited that his mother might be a witch, since he couldn’t imagine how any magical person would ever die and abandon him. He traced his family line through the name “Marvolo,” apparently.
Harry: Did you get all that by interviewing people or obtaining their memories?
Dumbledore: Nope! I saw what I saw and what I couldn’t see I guessed! I’m the most clever wizard in the world, so anything about Tom Rid’s past that was remotely important I can be sure I already know! But, enough of that-let’s have a look into this first memory I’ve got here!
[Dumbledore pours the memory into the Pensieve, and he and Harry disappear inside. They find themselves in the Gaunts’ house again, though only Morfin occupies it now]
[There’s a knock on the door, and a teenaged Voldemort enters]
Harry: Look, it’s teenaged Voldemort! Wow, he was so hot!
Dumbledore: First me and now Voldemort? How many younger versions of people are you going to fancy?
Harry: You were still much hotter, Master.
Dumbledore: That’s better.
Morfin: [Grabs knife] Halt! Who goes there?
Voldemort: It’s me. Marvolo’s grandson. Who are you?
Morfin: My nephew?! I thought you’d be dead by now!
Voldemort: My uncle?!
Morfin: Yes. Morfin’s my name. Say, you look like the muggle who lives next door.
Voldemort: Do I? Well, I can’t say I wish I’d inherited your looks!
Morfin: Are you calling me ugly?!
Voldemort: Well you are.
Morfin: No I’m not!
Voldemort: Well…never mind that. Where is Marvolo?
Morfin: Ha! Marvolo’s been dead for about fifteen years now!
Voldemort: Such a shame. [Sees a ring on Morfin’s finger] Say, that’s a nice ring. Where did you get it?
Morfin: Oh, this thing? It’s been in the family as long as I can remember. We used to have a locket, too, but your stupid mother ran off and took it with her!
Voldemort: With the muggle, you mean?
Morfin: The very same.
Voldemort: Do you hate that muggle?
Morfin: I hate him so much! I’d kill him if given half a chance!
Voldemort: Well, how about I make you a deal? I hate that muggle too, and want him dead, so I was going to go over there and kill him myself! How would you like to take the credit?
Morfin: Would I ever! Wow, Nephew-you’re a genius!
Voldemort: I’ll just need to borrow your wand.
Morfin: By all means! I can barely use it anyway! [Produces his wand and hands it to Voldemort]
Voldemort: Oh, and can I have your ring as well?
Morfin: Now why would you need a ring to go murder someone?
Voldemort: Well…I….ah…want to murder him with style! I can wave this ring in my face to show off how wealthy and successful I am now that I’m a powerful magic user!
Morfin: Do you promise you’ll give it back?
Voldemort: Of course! You can count on me!
Morfin: Well…alright. If you say so…. [Hands over the ring]
Voldemort: Thank you! Much appreciated!
[Dumbledore and Harry exit the Pensieve]
Dumbledore: Needless to say, Morfin was convicted of murdering the last Riddles and sentenced to Azkaban not long afterwards. He died there, having never recovered his ring.
Harry: But how come nobody could trace Voldemort? I mean, he was underage at the time, right?
Dumbledore: Well, it’s difficult to detect underage magic in a house where everyone uses magic, no?*
Harry: I feel so sorry for Morfin. Tortured to death in Azkaban like that….
Dumbledore: I concur. Let’s be magnanimous together, and reflect on how much better we would have handled the case of this man who has been dead for years before you were even born. But, anyway, there’s still one more memory we need to look at….
[Dumbledore pours another potion into the Pensieve]
Harry: This memory looks a bit funny.
Dumbledore: Huh. Oh, well-it’s worth a try, anyway.
[They disappear into the memory]
[They appear in Slughorn’s room, where he’s speaking to teenage Voldemort and some of his friends]
Harry: Look, look! Voldemort’s already wearing his uncle’s ring!
Dumbledore: So he is. Remember this-it’s important.
Slughorn: So, Tom, you sure are a promising student. And so thoughtful. I love the candied pineapple you sent me! You will go far in this world!
Voldemort: Aww, you’re too kind, Professor. Say, can I ask you a top secret question?
Slughorn: You can ask me anything you want! Just say the word, and Slughorn will deliver!
Voldemort: Well, I just want to know a bit about, a little thing called, Horcruxes!
[Suddenly, the memory starts acting up…]
Click to viewHarry: What the hell just happened?!
Dumbledore: We’d better get out of here.
[He returns himself and Harry to the office]
Dumbledore: So, it appears Slutborn has modified his own memories. No doubt he was too ashamed to admit his failings. Typical Slytherin cowardice….
Harry: I didn’t know you could tamper with memories.
Dumbledore: Well, if he tampered with them, that means he does hold the real memory still inside his head.
Harry: Great!
Dumbledore: So you’re going to have to retrieve it.
Harry: But why me? Aren’t you much older and cleverer than me? As you’re so fond of reminding me….
Dumbledore: But he trusts you more than me. It’s got to be you who does it.
Harry: But how am I supposed to do it?!
Dumbledore: I don’t know. You’re the Chosen One. You figure it out.
*A/N: So basically Terri_Testing’s theory about the Reasonable Restrictions on Underage Magic is canon (or as good as canon)