Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 30
[Following the departure of Fred and George, all the other students start thinking up new ways to make Umbridge miserable]
McGonagall: I could put a stop to any of their little pranks easily, of course, but if I did that I wouldn’t get to watch the torment of someone I hated for as long.
Filch: How on earth am I supposed to whip and torture misbehaving students when so few of them behave nowadays?
Umbridge: And now students have turned up to my class sick! For every class! I know they’re doing it on purpose to spite me!
[One day, in Charms…]
Hermione: So, anyway, I heard that that Montague person has still not recovered from being stuffed in the toilet.
Ron: Yeah, so?
Hermione: Well…do you think he’s permanently injured?
Harry: Who cares? He’s a slimy Slytherin, and his pain will bog down Umbridge even more!
Hermione: Honestly, you two are quite hopeless.
Ron: Anyway, I just know that my mother will blame me for Fred and George leaving, and I’ll get in trouble.
Hermione: But there’s no way she can possibly think that’s your fault. Besides, didn’t they say they were planning something?
Ron: Oh, yeah-the joke shop. But…just how did they get the money?
Harry: That’s easy-I’m the one who gave it to them!
Hermione: …Really?
Harry: Yeah. I gave them my winnings from the Triwizard Tournament.
Ron: Oh, good. Now she’ll know to blame you, and not me!
Harry: You know she’d never punish me even if she did disapprove of something I did.
Ron: Don’t remind me….
[Sometime later…]
Hermione: So, Harry, are you planning to go back and ask Snape to continue Occlumency lessons any time soon?
Harry: H-how did you know I’m still in need of Occlumency?!
Hermione: Well, Ron has been confiding in me about your strange dreams, which you’ve been having every night for the past little while.
Harry: What?! You and Ron have a relationship that doesn’t involve me?! How dare you!
Ron: Well…we are destined to end up married.
Harry: Well…anyway…my dreams are none of your business!
Hermione: Harry, seriously, are you even trying with Occlumency?
Harry: Yes, of course I am.
Hermione: Really?
Ron: I don’t believe you.
Harry: …Alright, I’m not at all trying. But don’t you think these dreams could come in handy?
Hermione and Ron: …No, not really.
Ron: Anyway, let’s talk about how that slimy Slytherin Montague will probably be in no condition to play Quidditch, which means we just might win!
Harry: That’s true! Yay for tormenting slimy Slytherins!
[The last Quidditch match of the season dawns…]
Hermione: Ron, do you think you’ll do better now that your older brothers aren’t around to show you up?
Ron: Well, seeing as I’m so awful now, I’d say the only place to go is up.
Hermione: By the way, Harry, isn’t Cho playing?
Harry: Speak not of that traitor at the breakfast table!
Hermione: Fine, fine.
[The match begins…]
Ravenclaw captain Roger Davies: Take this! First goal of the match! [Throws quaffle through ring]
Ron: Fuck! This doesn’t bode well!
Hagrid: By the way, Harry, Hermione, will you come with me on an illicit adventure while everyone’s distracted by the match?
Harry: Do we have a choice?
Hagrid: No, not really.
Harry: Fine….
[They follow Hagrid into the forest. Along the way, Hagrid grabs a crossbow]
Hermione: Hagrid, why are you taking a crossbow into the woods?
Hagrid: Oh, just in case I need to defend you youngsters from angry centaurs.
Hermione: Hagrid, why ever would the centaurs be angry at us?
Hagrid: Because Firenze betrayed them by coming to work for Dumbledore, that’s why. They would have executed him had I not intervened.
Hermione: So…why are you taking us to meet them, if they’re so angry?
Hagrid: Oh, I’m not taking you to meet them.
Harry: Then what do you want with us?
Hagrid: I’ll tell you at the most appropriately dramatic moment. Now follow me.
[He leads them a ways off the path…]
Hagrid: So, anyway, I was just thinking, that Umbridge woman could sack me at any time, and if that happened, well, I’d need someone who could take my place and do a very important thing for me.
Harry: Oh, no. Is this the thing Firenze warned me about?
Hagrid: It is exactly the thing Firenze warned you about.
Harry: Oh, no-this can’t be good….
[They wander deep into the forest until they come across a giant, who looks to be asleep]
Harry: Who the hell is this guy?!
Hagrid: Oh, he’s just my half-brother, Grawp.
Hermione: What?! Why in the hell did you bring him here?!
Hagrid: Because I wanted to show people that giants aren’t necessarily bad guys.
Hermione: Aren’t necessarily the bad guys?! Is this why you’ve been looking so beat-up?! Because you’re being abused by your half-brother?!
Hagrid: Abused? Don’t be silly-he doesn’t mean any harm!
Hermione: You realize that’s what all abusers say, right?
Hagrid: Well…ah…look, bear with me, alright? I had to bring my brother home because the other giants were bullying him for being smaller than they were. I know he’ll be much happier here once I’ve civilized him!
Hermione: And are you quite sure he was okay with this?
Hagrid: Of course, why wouldn’t he be?
Hermione: Well…regardless, the fact is he’s abusing you!
Hagrid: He’s not abusing me, alright! And he’s perfectly happy here, just you wait and see!
Harry: But you tied him up!
Hagrid: Did I? [Surveys ropes used to hold Grawp down] Oh, so I did.
Harry: This is a mutually-abusive relationship! Even worse!
Hermione: Hagrid, why? What on earth could we possibly do to help him?
Hagrid: Well, you could just spend time with him, and make him feel welcome and valued….
Harry: Alright, now I understand perfectly why Firenze wanted you to stop doing the thing. If this is the thing in question…!
Hagrid: You say that, but you don’t mean it. Come on, help an old friend out!
Harry: Well, I can try, but I can’t make any promises.
Hagrid: So you’ll do it! Excellent! I’ll wake him up to introduce you to him right away! [to Grawp] Graaaawp, I brought company!
Hermione: We’re dead meat.
Grawp: [Wakes up] Oh it’s you, Hagrid. What do you want?
Hagrid: I just thought you’d like to meet some of my friends.
Grawp: I hate your friends! Go away and leave me alone!
Hagrid: No! I will not go away! This is the part where you make a dramatic entrance!
Grawp: Well I suppose I can do a dramatic entrance. [Slowly rises to his feet] Helloooooo, puny humans!
Hagrid: Yes, that’s what I like to see! So, anyway, these are my two friends, Harry and Hermione. They’ll be keeping you company if I ever go away.
Grawp: Are they going to keep me tied up and talk to me in baby talk and visit me only when it’s convenient for them?
Hermione: [Meekly] No, not at all! Don’t be silly!
Grawp: Well I suppose they can only be an improvement then. [Scoops up Hermione]
Hermione: Aaaah! Put me down!
Hagrid: What are you doing?! That’s not what’s supposed to happen in this scene!
Grawp: I like the movie version of this scene better.
Hermione: Please don’t eat me! I taste terrible!
Grawp: That’s alright-if Hagrid is telling you about me you must be a main character. Therefore I will let you live.
Hermione: Wow, you’re the best!
Harry: [Facepalm]…I can’t believe this is happening.
Hagrid: Well, that’s enough fun for one day. Grawp, put Hermione down so we can get out of here.
Grawp: Fine. This pine tree’s more interesting anyway. [Sets Hermione down and starts bending and twisting a pine tree around]
Hagrid: …Let’s go before he starts throwing that thing.
[They leave Grawp to his own devices and wander through the forest, until they come upon some centaurs!]
Magorian: Hagrid! It’s you! You’re not supposed to be here! Get out of here, now!
Hagrid: I’m not supposed to be here?! Is that how you treat an old friend?!
Magorian: You expressly violated our way of life when you saved Firenze from being executed, therefore I am no longer your friend.
Hagrid: Why do you have to be so mean?!
Bane: Look, it’s not our fault Firenze agreed to become Dumbledore’s slave!
Hagrid: His slave?!
Bane: Yes, his slave!
Magorian: That’s enough of that. Hagrid, because you have children with you who are also main characters, I will let you pass this time. Do not show your face in our part of the woods again. And do something about your giant friend-he’s destroying the ecosystem.
Hagrid: I don’t understand big words like “ecosystem.”
Magorian: Whatever! Get out of the woods before my friends attack you!
Hagrid: Alright, alright! You assholes!
[Harry and Hermione lead Hagrid away]
Hermione: So, Hagrid, since the centaurs don’t like us in here this means we won’t be able to visit Grawp after all, right?
Hagrid: You’ll be fine-they said they wouldn’t hurt children. And you’re main characters.
Hermione: [Facepalm]
[They leave Hagrid and return to the quidditch pitch…]
Hermione: What on earth is Hagrid playing at?! Does he not realize that what he’s doing is dangerous and illegal? And abusive? And environmentally-destructive? There is no good that can come of this, I’m sure of it!
Harry: Well, look on the bright side-maybe Umbridge will get her just desserts in enough time for Hagrid to not be sacked?
Hermione: He’d deserve it if she did sack him, after all this!
Harry: [Shocked] Are you…are you siding with Umbridge?!
Hermione: Fair point.
Ron: Harry! Hermione! We won! I got my shit together and stopped the opposite team from scoring goals!
Harry: Hooray!
Hermione: Oh, that’s wonderful news! Now I can focus on something that will make me less angry at stupid Hagrid!
Ron: Why? What’s so stupid about Hagrid?
Hermione: …Oh, never mind. You’re best off not knowing.
McGonagall: I could put a stop to any of their little pranks easily, of course, but if I did that I wouldn’t get to watch the torment of someone I hated for as long.
Filch: How on earth am I supposed to whip and torture misbehaving students when so few of them behave nowadays?
Umbridge: And now students have turned up to my class sick! For every class! I know they’re doing it on purpose to spite me!
[One day, in Charms…]
Hermione: So, anyway, I heard that that Montague person has still not recovered from being stuffed in the toilet.
Ron: Yeah, so?
Hermione: Well…do you think he’s permanently injured?
Harry: Who cares? He’s a slimy Slytherin, and his pain will bog down Umbridge even more!
Hermione: Honestly, you two are quite hopeless.
Ron: Anyway, I just know that my mother will blame me for Fred and George leaving, and I’ll get in trouble.
Hermione: But there’s no way she can possibly think that’s your fault. Besides, didn’t they say they were planning something?
Ron: Oh, yeah-the joke shop. But…just how did they get the money?
Harry: That’s easy-I’m the one who gave it to them!
Hermione: …Really?
Harry: Yeah. I gave them my winnings from the Triwizard Tournament.
Ron: Oh, good. Now she’ll know to blame you, and not me!
Harry: You know she’d never punish me even if she did disapprove of something I did.
Ron: Don’t remind me….
[Sometime later…]
Hermione: So, Harry, are you planning to go back and ask Snape to continue Occlumency lessons any time soon?
Harry: H-how did you know I’m still in need of Occlumency?!
Hermione: Well, Ron has been confiding in me about your strange dreams, which you’ve been having every night for the past little while.
Harry: What?! You and Ron have a relationship that doesn’t involve me?! How dare you!
Ron: Well…we are destined to end up married.
Harry: Well…anyway…my dreams are none of your business!
Hermione: Harry, seriously, are you even trying with Occlumency?
Harry: Yes, of course I am.
Hermione: Really?
Ron: I don’t believe you.
Harry: …Alright, I’m not at all trying. But don’t you think these dreams could come in handy?
Hermione and Ron: …No, not really.
Ron: Anyway, let’s talk about how that slimy Slytherin Montague will probably be in no condition to play Quidditch, which means we just might win!
Harry: That’s true! Yay for tormenting slimy Slytherins!
[The last Quidditch match of the season dawns…]
Hermione: Ron, do you think you’ll do better now that your older brothers aren’t around to show you up?
Ron: Well, seeing as I’m so awful now, I’d say the only place to go is up.
Hermione: By the way, Harry, isn’t Cho playing?
Harry: Speak not of that traitor at the breakfast table!
Hermione: Fine, fine.
[The match begins…]
Ravenclaw captain Roger Davies: Take this! First goal of the match! [Throws quaffle through ring]
Ron: Fuck! This doesn’t bode well!
Hagrid: By the way, Harry, Hermione, will you come with me on an illicit adventure while everyone’s distracted by the match?
Harry: Do we have a choice?
Hagrid: No, not really.
Harry: Fine….
[They follow Hagrid into the forest. Along the way, Hagrid grabs a crossbow]
Hermione: Hagrid, why are you taking a crossbow into the woods?
Hagrid: Oh, just in case I need to defend you youngsters from angry centaurs.
Hermione: Hagrid, why ever would the centaurs be angry at us?
Hagrid: Because Firenze betrayed them by coming to work for Dumbledore, that’s why. They would have executed him had I not intervened.
Hermione: So…why are you taking us to meet them, if they’re so angry?
Hagrid: Oh, I’m not taking you to meet them.
Harry: Then what do you want with us?
Hagrid: I’ll tell you at the most appropriately dramatic moment. Now follow me.
[He leads them a ways off the path…]
Hagrid: So, anyway, I was just thinking, that Umbridge woman could sack me at any time, and if that happened, well, I’d need someone who could take my place and do a very important thing for me.
Harry: Oh, no. Is this the thing Firenze warned me about?
Hagrid: It is exactly the thing Firenze warned you about.
Harry: Oh, no-this can’t be good….
[They wander deep into the forest until they come across a giant, who looks to be asleep]
Harry: Who the hell is this guy?!
Hagrid: Oh, he’s just my half-brother, Grawp.
Hermione: What?! Why in the hell did you bring him here?!
Hagrid: Because I wanted to show people that giants aren’t necessarily bad guys.
Hermione: Aren’t necessarily the bad guys?! Is this why you’ve been looking so beat-up?! Because you’re being abused by your half-brother?!
Hagrid: Abused? Don’t be silly-he doesn’t mean any harm!
Hermione: You realize that’s what all abusers say, right?
Hagrid: Well…ah…look, bear with me, alright? I had to bring my brother home because the other giants were bullying him for being smaller than they were. I know he’ll be much happier here once I’ve civilized him!
Hermione: And are you quite sure he was okay with this?
Hagrid: Of course, why wouldn’t he be?
Hermione: Well…regardless, the fact is he’s abusing you!
Hagrid: He’s not abusing me, alright! And he’s perfectly happy here, just you wait and see!
Harry: But you tied him up!
Hagrid: Did I? [Surveys ropes used to hold Grawp down] Oh, so I did.
Harry: This is a mutually-abusive relationship! Even worse!
Hermione: Hagrid, why? What on earth could we possibly do to help him?
Hagrid: Well, you could just spend time with him, and make him feel welcome and valued….
Harry: Alright, now I understand perfectly why Firenze wanted you to stop doing the thing. If this is the thing in question…!
Hagrid: You say that, but you don’t mean it. Come on, help an old friend out!
Harry: Well, I can try, but I can’t make any promises.
Hagrid: So you’ll do it! Excellent! I’ll wake him up to introduce you to him right away! [to Grawp] Graaaawp, I brought company!
Hermione: We’re dead meat.
Grawp: [Wakes up] Oh it’s you, Hagrid. What do you want?
Hagrid: I just thought you’d like to meet some of my friends.
Grawp: I hate your friends! Go away and leave me alone!
Hagrid: No! I will not go away! This is the part where you make a dramatic entrance!
Grawp: Well I suppose I can do a dramatic entrance. [Slowly rises to his feet] Helloooooo, puny humans!
Hagrid: Yes, that’s what I like to see! So, anyway, these are my two friends, Harry and Hermione. They’ll be keeping you company if I ever go away.
Grawp: Are they going to keep me tied up and talk to me in baby talk and visit me only when it’s convenient for them?
Hermione: [Meekly] No, not at all! Don’t be silly!
Grawp: Well I suppose they can only be an improvement then. [Scoops up Hermione]
Hermione: Aaaah! Put me down!
Hagrid: What are you doing?! That’s not what’s supposed to happen in this scene!
Grawp: I like the movie version of this scene better.
Hermione: Please don’t eat me! I taste terrible!
Grawp: That’s alright-if Hagrid is telling you about me you must be a main character. Therefore I will let you live.
Hermione: Wow, you’re the best!
Harry: [Facepalm]…I can’t believe this is happening.
Hagrid: Well, that’s enough fun for one day. Grawp, put Hermione down so we can get out of here.
Grawp: Fine. This pine tree’s more interesting anyway. [Sets Hermione down and starts bending and twisting a pine tree around]
Hagrid: …Let’s go before he starts throwing that thing.
[They leave Grawp to his own devices and wander through the forest, until they come upon some centaurs!]
Magorian: Hagrid! It’s you! You’re not supposed to be here! Get out of here, now!
Hagrid: I’m not supposed to be here?! Is that how you treat an old friend?!
Magorian: You expressly violated our way of life when you saved Firenze from being executed, therefore I am no longer your friend.
Hagrid: Why do you have to be so mean?!
Bane: Look, it’s not our fault Firenze agreed to become Dumbledore’s slave!
Hagrid: His slave?!
Bane: Yes, his slave!
Magorian: That’s enough of that. Hagrid, because you have children with you who are also main characters, I will let you pass this time. Do not show your face in our part of the woods again. And do something about your giant friend-he’s destroying the ecosystem.
Hagrid: I don’t understand big words like “ecosystem.”
Magorian: Whatever! Get out of the woods before my friends attack you!
Hagrid: Alright, alright! You assholes!
[Harry and Hermione lead Hagrid away]
Hermione: So, Hagrid, since the centaurs don’t like us in here this means we won’t be able to visit Grawp after all, right?
Hagrid: You’ll be fine-they said they wouldn’t hurt children. And you’re main characters.
Hermione: [Facepalm]
[They leave Hagrid and return to the quidditch pitch…]
Hermione: What on earth is Hagrid playing at?! Does he not realize that what he’s doing is dangerous and illegal? And abusive? And environmentally-destructive? There is no good that can come of this, I’m sure of it!
Harry: Well, look on the bright side-maybe Umbridge will get her just desserts in enough time for Hagrid to not be sacked?
Hermione: He’d deserve it if she did sack him, after all this!
Harry: [Shocked] Are you…are you siding with Umbridge?!
Hermione: Fair point.
Ron: Harry! Hermione! We won! I got my shit together and stopped the opposite team from scoring goals!
Harry: Hooray!
Hermione: Oh, that’s wonderful news! Now I can focus on something that will make me less angry at stupid Hagrid!
Ron: Why? What’s so stupid about Hagrid?
Hermione: …Oh, never mind. You’re best off not knowing.