Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 25
[The next morning…]
Hermione: Harry! Ron! I’ve just received word that a number of Death Eaters broke out of Azkaban!
Harry: Hey, I recognize one of those. It’s Bellatrix Lestrange.
Hermione: And that’s not all. They’re blaming Sirius for everything!
Harry: But…that’s so unfair!
Hermione: Well…they are slaves to PR. Maybe they just don’t want to admit they screwed up. Oh, and a Ministry worker named Bode was murdered by a plant brought to him in the hospital.
Harry: So that was the suspicious plant that healer was talking about at St. Mango’s.
Ron: It’s St. Mungo’s.
Harry: Whatever.
Ron: But how could someone send a patient Devil’s Snare and not realize it would kill them?
Hermione: If you had any brains at all you’d realize that this was premeditated murder.
Ron: I do too have brains!
Harry: Haven’t you forgotten? It’s your job to have even less brains than I do, so I look clever by comparison!
Ron: …I hate my life. Oh, but did you know that Bode was an Unspeakable?
Hermione: That’s nice, dummy. Now I’m off to write a letter…ahem…addressing this terrible news. [Leaves]
Ron: Hey, look-it’s Hagrid!
Hagrid: Oh, hello there!
Ron: You look terrible!
Hagrid: Tell me something I don’t know. I’m on probation.
Ron: Wow, how awful!
Hagrid: Well, I guess that was kind of a rubbish lesson.
Harry: But still….
[Throughout the day, the only news that most people bother to mention is that of the escaped Death Eaters]
Susan Bones: Harry, since my family was killed by Death Eaters I now have a profound insight into what your life is like.
Harry: Wow, you mean it?!
Susan Bones: Yes. Now will you give me more screen time?
Harry: If I feel like it.
[Umbridge has also instated a new decree]
Harry: So now our teachers can’t pass on any information that’s not related to their classes. This sucks!
Lee Jordan: Well, look on the bright side-at least now the teachers can’t yell at us for being disrespectful or disruptive, since it’s not related to their class!
Umbridge: I heard that, you! Prepare to be tortured!
Harry: By the way, essence of Murtlap helps with the torture.
Lee Jordan: You’re far too empty-headed to contribute anything unless you have prior experience with it; therefore I trust your judgment and will try to procure some.
[Umbridge has taken to attending Divination and Care of Magical Creatures lessons regularly]
Harry: And neither Trelawney nor Hagrid is taking it well. I think Trelawney’s developed a drinking problem.
Trelawney: I heard that!
Hagrid: By the way, you probably shouldn’t visit me after dark anymore. I wouldn’t want Umbridge to catch you making trouble.
Harry: I’m sure Umbridge is doing all this to torment me! She’s being evil just to deprive me of everything I love about Hogwarts! [Cry]
[On a more positive note, Neville is vastly improving in the DA]
Harry: Wow, Navel-you’re mastering these techniques faster than anyone except Hermione.
Neville: Well maybe if I perform as well as her you’ll finally respect me and call me by my proper name!
Harry: I thought Navel was your proper name.
Neville: [Facepalm]
Harry: And yet, despite everything, my scar is hurting worse than ever before.
Hermione: Well…maybe it’s like an illness that has to get worse before it gets better?
Ron: I say that it’s all Snape’s fault, and he’s trying to make Harry more susceptible.
Hermione: Oh, please-Snape’s on our side.
Ron: What proof of this do you have? The man used to be a Death Eater!
Hermione: Well…Dumbledore trusts him.
Ron: Sure he does….
[In time, the next Hogsmeade trip arrives and with it Harry’s date with Cho]
Hermione: By the way, Harry, I’ve got an important meeting in Hogsmeade and I’d like you to come.
Harry: Do I have to?! I have a date with Cho!
Hermione: Cho is a side character and an inferior Ravenclaw; therefore I take precedence over her. You will come.
Harry: If you say so, you slave-driver! But I won’t forget this!
Ron: And I can’t come at all because I have quidditch practice! And our team totally sucks!
Harry: How dare you complain about quidditch! Do you have any idea how desperately I want to be in your shoes right now?!
Ron: Oh, you…!
[Harry meets up with Cho on the way out]
Harry: Cho, you look really pretty!
Cho: Of course I do. It’s not like you would have noticed me if I wasn’t.
Harry: …Well…shall we go, then?
Cho: Lead the way!
[As they go to line up with the other students, they pass the quidditch pitch.]
Cho: You really miss playing, don’t you?
Harry: Do I ever! How come my loser friend Ron gets to play and I don’t?!
Cho: By the way, whatever happened to that insane captain of yours?
Harry: Oh, him? He got recruited by a national team.
Cho: Why am I not surprised?
[They also pass by Pansy Parkinson and some of her friends]
Pansy: Cho, why are you dating an annoying emo baby like Harry over there?!
Cho: Silence! If you keep talking that way you won’t get any screen time!
[They get to Hogsmeade…]
Cho: So, do you have any great master plan for this, seeing as you’re the main character and all?
Harry: Me?! You’re the one who’s supposed to know about dating!
Cho: Okay, then…. Let’s go look at some shops.
[They pass by a newsstand that contains the Death Eater story]
Cho: By the way, don’t you think it’s suspicious that when Black escaped there were Dementors all over the place but now these Death Eaters have escaped and there aren’t any?
Harry: It’s all because they were meanies who wanted to pick on my poor dogfather Sirius Black!
Cho: What was that?
Harry: Oh…nothing….
Cho: Alright, here’s an idea-let’s go to a coffee shop!
Harry: That works for me!
[They go to a coffee shop named Madame Puddifoot’s…]
Harry: Aaaagh! This place looks like Umbridge’s office! Cho, why in the hell did you bring me to this hellhole?!
Cho: What? It’s cute.
Harry: Cute?! This place looks like Umbridge’s office-therefore it must be a place of pure evil!
Cho: Don’t be ridiculous-it’s just a coincidence.
Harry: There are no coincidences where I’m concerned-there is only inevitability!
Cho: Oh, I’m sure you’ll feel better once you’ve had something to drink.
[They sit down and order coffee…]
Harry: Hey, Cho-this place is full of couples and they’re, like, kissing. Isn’t that weird?
Cho: Not especially. They are couples-why shouldn’t they kiss?
Harry: Do you want me to kiss you?
Cho: I don’t really know. Do you want to?
Harry: Dammit, why are girls so hard to figure out?!
Cho: I’m right here!
Harry: Oh…sorry.
Cho: So, shall we, you know, have a conversation or something?
Harry: Oh, sure. But…ah…what should we talk about?
Cho: I don’t know. What do we have in common?
Harry: Ah…we both hate Umbridge?
Cho: Yes, that’s a good one. She’s a creep.
Harry: And a psychopath.
Cho: Yes, that too.
[Pause]
Harry: …Okay, that was fun. Now what else can we talk about?
Cho: Oh, I don’t know.
Harry: Listen, I have to go visit Hermione after this. Would you like to come along?
Cho: Hermione?! You’re going on a date with Hermione too?!
Harry: No, no, it’s not like that!
Cho: I knew it-I’m not good enough for you! The only reason why you agreed to go out with a side character like me was so you could look noble! [Cries]
Harry: No, no! That’s not it at all!
Cho: If only Cedric were alive-I might still have a boyfriend!
Harry: You’re not talking about that sparkly loser again, are you?!
Cho: He was never sparkly when I knew him! [Weeps buckets]
Harry: Can we change the subject? Pretty please?
Cho: Aren’t you the one who’s always complaining about how nobody understands your pain? Aren’t you happy you now know someone else who does?
Harry: What are you talking about?! As if a mere side character like you could ever understand my pain and what I suffer!
Cho: Oh, never mind! You go on your date with Hermione! See if I care! I’ll just go out and get my own series! [Cries and walks out]
Harry: She hasn’t even paid…. [Leaves money on the table and walks out after Cho]
[Harry goes to the Three Broomsticks…]
Hagrid: Hello!
Harry: Oh, it’s you.
Hagrid: By the way, have I ever told you how much I relate to you, what with my being abandoned by my family? But at least your parents were decent and would have raised you properly had they survived.
Harry: What? Where did this come from?
Hagrid: Oh, sorry. I’m just thinking out loud. This will in no way become a plot point. Nope. [Leaves]
[In a little time, Hermione arrives with Luna and Rita Skeeter]
Hermione: Wow, you got here early.
Rita Skeeter: I heard you were seeing a girl. How does that make you feel?
Harry: I don’t see how that’s any of your business.
Hermione: Let’s just stay on topic. Rita Skeeter, I want you to report the truth about what happened in the graveyard and the Death Eaters straight from Harry’s mouth.
Rita Skeeter: Can I at least say how delusional he is?
Hermione and Harry: No!
Rita Skeeter: You people are no fun! It’s not like anyone will read a story telling them that You-Know-Who is back when they’re already scared enough about the Death Eaters. The Daily Prophet won’t publish it, I say!
Luna: The Daily Prophet might not publish it but my father’s magazine will!
Rita Skeeter: And why should I support a hole-in-the-wall industry like that? Especially since most people don’t take The Quibbler seriously to begin with?
Luna: Well-
Hermione: Maybe not everyone will take it seriously but I’m sure at least some people want to know the truth.
Luna: I could have told her that. [Grumbles]
Rita Skeeter: Good, good. What sort of compensation will I get?
Luna: We don’t pay people to publish our stories.
Hermione: You’ll do it for free or I’ll tell everyone that you’re an unregistered Animagus and have you sent to Azkaban to be tortured to death!
Rita Skeeter: Aaagh-what have I done to deserve this?!
Hermione: You crossed Harry and me, and that is an unpardonable offense.
Rita Skeeter: Alright, I get the idea.
Harry: Great-when do we start?
Hermione: Right now. Right, Rita?
Rita Skeeter: I’m ready when you are.
Harry: Finally I have people who care about the way things REALLY happened! [Sobs tears of joy]
Hermione: Harry! Ron! I’ve just received word that a number of Death Eaters broke out of Azkaban!
Harry: Hey, I recognize one of those. It’s Bellatrix Lestrange.
Hermione: And that’s not all. They’re blaming Sirius for everything!
Harry: But…that’s so unfair!
Hermione: Well…they are slaves to PR. Maybe they just don’t want to admit they screwed up. Oh, and a Ministry worker named Bode was murdered by a plant brought to him in the hospital.
Harry: So that was the suspicious plant that healer was talking about at St. Mango’s.
Ron: It’s St. Mungo’s.
Harry: Whatever.
Ron: But how could someone send a patient Devil’s Snare and not realize it would kill them?
Hermione: If you had any brains at all you’d realize that this was premeditated murder.
Ron: I do too have brains!
Harry: Haven’t you forgotten? It’s your job to have even less brains than I do, so I look clever by comparison!
Ron: …I hate my life. Oh, but did you know that Bode was an Unspeakable?
Hermione: That’s nice, dummy. Now I’m off to write a letter…ahem…addressing this terrible news. [Leaves]
Ron: Hey, look-it’s Hagrid!
Hagrid: Oh, hello there!
Ron: You look terrible!
Hagrid: Tell me something I don’t know. I’m on probation.
Ron: Wow, how awful!
Hagrid: Well, I guess that was kind of a rubbish lesson.
Harry: But still….
[Throughout the day, the only news that most people bother to mention is that of the escaped Death Eaters]
Susan Bones: Harry, since my family was killed by Death Eaters I now have a profound insight into what your life is like.
Harry: Wow, you mean it?!
Susan Bones: Yes. Now will you give me more screen time?
Harry: If I feel like it.
[Umbridge has also instated a new decree]
Harry: So now our teachers can’t pass on any information that’s not related to their classes. This sucks!
Lee Jordan: Well, look on the bright side-at least now the teachers can’t yell at us for being disrespectful or disruptive, since it’s not related to their class!
Umbridge: I heard that, you! Prepare to be tortured!
Harry: By the way, essence of Murtlap helps with the torture.
Lee Jordan: You’re far too empty-headed to contribute anything unless you have prior experience with it; therefore I trust your judgment and will try to procure some.
[Umbridge has taken to attending Divination and Care of Magical Creatures lessons regularly]
Harry: And neither Trelawney nor Hagrid is taking it well. I think Trelawney’s developed a drinking problem.
Trelawney: I heard that!
Hagrid: By the way, you probably shouldn’t visit me after dark anymore. I wouldn’t want Umbridge to catch you making trouble.
Harry: I’m sure Umbridge is doing all this to torment me! She’s being evil just to deprive me of everything I love about Hogwarts! [Cry]
[On a more positive note, Neville is vastly improving in the DA]
Harry: Wow, Navel-you’re mastering these techniques faster than anyone except Hermione.
Neville: Well maybe if I perform as well as her you’ll finally respect me and call me by my proper name!
Harry: I thought Navel was your proper name.
Neville: [Facepalm]
Harry: And yet, despite everything, my scar is hurting worse than ever before.
Hermione: Well…maybe it’s like an illness that has to get worse before it gets better?
Ron: I say that it’s all Snape’s fault, and he’s trying to make Harry more susceptible.
Hermione: Oh, please-Snape’s on our side.
Ron: What proof of this do you have? The man used to be a Death Eater!
Hermione: Well…Dumbledore trusts him.
Ron: Sure he does….
[In time, the next Hogsmeade trip arrives and with it Harry’s date with Cho]
Hermione: By the way, Harry, I’ve got an important meeting in Hogsmeade and I’d like you to come.
Harry: Do I have to?! I have a date with Cho!
Hermione: Cho is a side character and an inferior Ravenclaw; therefore I take precedence over her. You will come.
Harry: If you say so, you slave-driver! But I won’t forget this!
Ron: And I can’t come at all because I have quidditch practice! And our team totally sucks!
Harry: How dare you complain about quidditch! Do you have any idea how desperately I want to be in your shoes right now?!
Ron: Oh, you…!
[Harry meets up with Cho on the way out]
Harry: Cho, you look really pretty!
Cho: Of course I do. It’s not like you would have noticed me if I wasn’t.
Harry: …Well…shall we go, then?
Cho: Lead the way!
[As they go to line up with the other students, they pass the quidditch pitch.]
Cho: You really miss playing, don’t you?
Harry: Do I ever! How come my loser friend Ron gets to play and I don’t?!
Cho: By the way, whatever happened to that insane captain of yours?
Harry: Oh, him? He got recruited by a national team.
Cho: Why am I not surprised?
[They also pass by Pansy Parkinson and some of her friends]
Pansy: Cho, why are you dating an annoying emo baby like Harry over there?!
Cho: Silence! If you keep talking that way you won’t get any screen time!
[They get to Hogsmeade…]
Cho: So, do you have any great master plan for this, seeing as you’re the main character and all?
Harry: Me?! You’re the one who’s supposed to know about dating!
Cho: Okay, then…. Let’s go look at some shops.
[They pass by a newsstand that contains the Death Eater story]
Cho: By the way, don’t you think it’s suspicious that when Black escaped there were Dementors all over the place but now these Death Eaters have escaped and there aren’t any?
Harry: It’s all because they were meanies who wanted to pick on my poor dogfather Sirius Black!
Cho: What was that?
Harry: Oh…nothing….
Cho: Alright, here’s an idea-let’s go to a coffee shop!
Harry: That works for me!
[They go to a coffee shop named Madame Puddifoot’s…]
Harry: Aaaagh! This place looks like Umbridge’s office! Cho, why in the hell did you bring me to this hellhole?!
Cho: What? It’s cute.
Harry: Cute?! This place looks like Umbridge’s office-therefore it must be a place of pure evil!
Cho: Don’t be ridiculous-it’s just a coincidence.
Harry: There are no coincidences where I’m concerned-there is only inevitability!
Cho: Oh, I’m sure you’ll feel better once you’ve had something to drink.
[They sit down and order coffee…]
Harry: Hey, Cho-this place is full of couples and they’re, like, kissing. Isn’t that weird?
Cho: Not especially. They are couples-why shouldn’t they kiss?
Harry: Do you want me to kiss you?
Cho: I don’t really know. Do you want to?
Harry: Dammit, why are girls so hard to figure out?!
Cho: I’m right here!
Harry: Oh…sorry.
Cho: So, shall we, you know, have a conversation or something?
Harry: Oh, sure. But…ah…what should we talk about?
Cho: I don’t know. What do we have in common?
Harry: Ah…we both hate Umbridge?
Cho: Yes, that’s a good one. She’s a creep.
Harry: And a psychopath.
Cho: Yes, that too.
[Pause]
Harry: …Okay, that was fun. Now what else can we talk about?
Cho: Oh, I don’t know.
Harry: Listen, I have to go visit Hermione after this. Would you like to come along?
Cho: Hermione?! You’re going on a date with Hermione too?!
Harry: No, no, it’s not like that!
Cho: I knew it-I’m not good enough for you! The only reason why you agreed to go out with a side character like me was so you could look noble! [Cries]
Harry: No, no! That’s not it at all!
Cho: If only Cedric were alive-I might still have a boyfriend!
Harry: You’re not talking about that sparkly loser again, are you?!
Cho: He was never sparkly when I knew him! [Weeps buckets]
Harry: Can we change the subject? Pretty please?
Cho: Aren’t you the one who’s always complaining about how nobody understands your pain? Aren’t you happy you now know someone else who does?
Harry: What are you talking about?! As if a mere side character like you could ever understand my pain and what I suffer!
Cho: Oh, never mind! You go on your date with Hermione! See if I care! I’ll just go out and get my own series! [Cries and walks out]
Harry: She hasn’t even paid…. [Leaves money on the table and walks out after Cho]
[Harry goes to the Three Broomsticks…]
Hagrid: Hello!
Harry: Oh, it’s you.
Hagrid: By the way, have I ever told you how much I relate to you, what with my being abandoned by my family? But at least your parents were decent and would have raised you properly had they survived.
Harry: What? Where did this come from?
Hagrid: Oh, sorry. I’m just thinking out loud. This will in no way become a plot point. Nope. [Leaves]
[In a little time, Hermione arrives with Luna and Rita Skeeter]
Hermione: Wow, you got here early.
Rita Skeeter: I heard you were seeing a girl. How does that make you feel?
Harry: I don’t see how that’s any of your business.
Hermione: Let’s just stay on topic. Rita Skeeter, I want you to report the truth about what happened in the graveyard and the Death Eaters straight from Harry’s mouth.
Rita Skeeter: Can I at least say how delusional he is?
Hermione and Harry: No!
Rita Skeeter: You people are no fun! It’s not like anyone will read a story telling them that You-Know-Who is back when they’re already scared enough about the Death Eaters. The Daily Prophet won’t publish it, I say!
Luna: The Daily Prophet might not publish it but my father’s magazine will!
Rita Skeeter: And why should I support a hole-in-the-wall industry like that? Especially since most people don’t take The Quibbler seriously to begin with?
Luna: Well-
Hermione: Maybe not everyone will take it seriously but I’m sure at least some people want to know the truth.
Luna: I could have told her that. [Grumbles]
Rita Skeeter: Good, good. What sort of compensation will I get?
Luna: We don’t pay people to publish our stories.
Hermione: You’ll do it for free or I’ll tell everyone that you’re an unregistered Animagus and have you sent to Azkaban to be tortured to death!
Rita Skeeter: Aaagh-what have I done to deserve this?!
Hermione: You crossed Harry and me, and that is an unpardonable offense.
Rita Skeeter: Alright, I get the idea.
Harry: Great-when do we start?
Hermione: Right now. Right, Rita?
Rita Skeeter: I’m ready when you are.
Harry: Finally I have people who care about the way things REALLY happened! [Sobs tears of joy]