Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 19
In honor of the Bonfire Night festivities being held in the city, have another one of these!
Chapter 19
[Now that Harry has a plan for resisting Umbridge, he feels better]
Hermione: So, I’ve proposed that we use fake Galleons I’ve enchanted to alert each other to meeting times.
Ron: Do they have to be fake…?
Terry Boot: Wow, that’s very advanced magic! How are you not in Ravenclaw?*
Hermione: Because otherwise there’s no way I could be friends with the main character, of course!
Harry: By the way, isn’t this awfully similar to how Voldemort alerts Death Eaters to meetings?**
Hermione: Nonsense-it’s totally different because I’m not placing these messages on anyone’s skin! So…anyway, just don’t spend these, okay?
[After a time, though, Gryffindor’s Quidditch match against Slytherin eats up everyone’s time]
McGonagall: I’ll even refrain from giving you homework to help you win!
Snape: I’ll book the field constantly and turn a blind eye to Gryffindor players getting jinxed!
Harry: And Ron is actually a really skilled player, though he lacks self-confidence. He’s so good, in fact, he’s on par with professional players!
Ron: Harry, Harry! How ever did you deal with the Slytherins teasing you about Quidditch?
Harry: Oh, I suppose I’ve just gotten used to it.
Ron: Gotten used to it?! You?!
Harry: Yes. Why?
Ron: I’m doomed.
[The match takes place on a cold, cold morning]
Ron: Harry, why did I ever sign up for Quidditch? I’m terrible. I can’t even make a save on purpose-all those spectacular saves were accidents!
Harry: Well, I accidentally got put in charge of a defense organization and look how well that’s turning out!
Ron: But…but…you’ve got main character immunity and I don’t! [Cries]
[Luna appears wearing a hat shaped like a lion, which roars]
Luna: Don’t I have such exquisitely-quirky ways of supporting my friends?
Ron: No, not really.
Luna: Hmph! [Leaves]
Angelina: So, you guys will join me on the pitch after breakfast, right?
Harry: We’re coming.
Hermione: By the way, the Slytherins made badges again.
Harry: Badges? What kind of badges?
[On the way out, Harry is able to discern that they say “Weasley is our king”]
[They go to meet their team…]
Angelina: So I’ve just received word that Crabbe and Goyle are Slytherin’s Beaters now.
Harry: Well that’s good news, because they’re so stupid there’s no way they’ll be a credible threat!
Angelina: What a coincidence-Slytherin’s last Beaters were stupid too. No wonder we keep beating them-they suck at assembling a competent team!
[They go out to the pitch and the game begins…]
Lee Jordan: Angelina is such a magnificent captain. Why won’t she go out with me?
McGonagall: Jordan, will you keep your head in the game?
Lee Jordan: It’s an honest question.
McGonagall: Maybe if you were a main character.
Lee Jordan: Hey, listen-the crowd’s singing.
Slytherins: Weasley is a loser! Weasley is a loser! Weasley will make sure we’ll win, which is why he’s our king!
Ron: Oh fuck you! [Cries]
[A Slytherin Chaser manages to score while Ron is distracted]
Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! What can I do to help my friend Ron?!
Angelina: Harry! Never mind Ron! Just keep your head in the game!
Harry: Oh, right. If I catch the Snitch it won’t matter how much Ron screws up.
[Ron lets in three more goals, though Katie scores against Slytherin once]
Harry: Oh, no! I must catch the Snitch now, to rescue our good name!
[Harry eventually catches the Snitch, but a Bludger knocks him off his broom shortly afterward]
Angelina: Harry, are you okay?
Harry: Of course I am-I only fell a few feet.
Draco: You may have won the game, but I still think your friend is a sorry excuse for a Keeper, and will gloat about this until we are very, very old men.
Harry: Whatever. He’s used to being overshadowed by me anyway.
Draco: By the way, it’s my professional opinion that his mother is fat and his father is a loser.
Fred and George: How dare you?!
Angelina: Please don’t start fighting now. Not when we won fair and square.
Harry: I have to agree with Angelina here.
Draco: Oh, and did I mention that I have about as high an opinion of your mother as I do the Weasleys’ mother? That is to say, as low as the Marianas Trench?
Harry: How dare you insult my mother! [Charges Draco and starts punching him]
Madam Hooch: Oh, no you don’t! Impedimenta! [Blasts Harry with a spell that sends him flying backward] All of you! Go to your Head of House at once!
[Harry, Fred, and George go to Professor McGonagall…]
McGonagall: How dare you make my house look bad by beating up another student!
Harry: But…but…this is Draco Malfoy we’re talking about! He deserves everything he gets!
McGonagall: That’s the excuse you use to justify beating someone up for no reason?!
Fred: Well he did insult our parents.
McGonagall: Repeat after me: wands and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Harry: But…but…words do hurt!
Umbridge: I thought I might find you here!
Harry: Oh, no. It’s her.
Umbridge: I heard that! [to Professor McGonagall] What is going on here?
McGonagall: I don’t see how that’s any of your business.
Umbridge: You honestly think something like that will convince someone as evil as me to go away?
McGonagall: Alright, when you put it that way, I suppose I have no choice but to tolerate you for this one scene. [to Harry, Fred, and George] So, all three of you will face detention for beating up a fellow student--
Umbridge: And furthermore, you’re suspended from Quidditch!
McGonagall: …You…have no authority to say such a thing!
Umbridge: Oh, yes I do. I have an official document from the Minister of Magic himself giving me authority to assign punishments and override the judgment of another teacher if need be. [Produces document]
McGonagall: This can’t be happening….
Umbridge: But it is-it’s signed by the Minister of Magic so you have to respect it. I hereby order these three suspended from playing Quidditch, and I’m confiscating their brooms as well.
Harry: You evil monster! Are you even human?!
Umbridge: Thank you. I appreciate the compliment.
[Later that day…]
Angelina: Oh, no! This is terrible! How ever will we play without you three?! You’re the only good-I mean, the best players we’ve got!
Alicia: Besides, Crabbe hit a Bludger at Harry after he’d caught the Snitch, and he’s not been banned.
Ginny: Wow, favoritism sucks when you’re not on the receiving end!
[Ron doesn’t return to the common room until late at night]
Harry: Ron, you look frozen half to death.
Ron: Do I?
Harry: You weren’t trying to kill yourself, were you?
Ron: So what if I was? I’m so awful at Quidditch I should just resign.
Harry: But you can’t resign now! Not when Fred, George, and I have been kicked off the team!
Ron: You were kicked off the team?! But how?!
Hermione: Umbridge decided to ban Harry just for beating up Draco Malfoy after he insulted his mother.
Ron: The indignity! …Oh, but if I were better at Quidditch I’m sure this wouldn’t have happened.
Harry: Don’t blame yourself. If you want to blame anyone, blame Malfoy.
Ron: But that song made me so upset.
Harry: But I was the one who punched him.
Ron: Well…I suppose that’s true.
Hermione: By the way, Hagrid’s back. I just saw him going toward his hut.
Harry and Ron: WHAT?!
*A/N: Just because you point out that Hermione would be a textbook Ravenclaw if she didn’t have to be in Gryffindor for the sake of the story doesn’t excuse it, Rowling….
**A/N: For the record, this was also in the text.
Chapter 19
[Now that Harry has a plan for resisting Umbridge, he feels better]
Hermione: So, I’ve proposed that we use fake Galleons I’ve enchanted to alert each other to meeting times.
Ron: Do they have to be fake…?
Terry Boot: Wow, that’s very advanced magic! How are you not in Ravenclaw?*
Hermione: Because otherwise there’s no way I could be friends with the main character, of course!
Harry: By the way, isn’t this awfully similar to how Voldemort alerts Death Eaters to meetings?**
Hermione: Nonsense-it’s totally different because I’m not placing these messages on anyone’s skin! So…anyway, just don’t spend these, okay?
[After a time, though, Gryffindor’s Quidditch match against Slytherin eats up everyone’s time]
McGonagall: I’ll even refrain from giving you homework to help you win!
Snape: I’ll book the field constantly and turn a blind eye to Gryffindor players getting jinxed!
Harry: And Ron is actually a really skilled player, though he lacks self-confidence. He’s so good, in fact, he’s on par with professional players!
Ron: Harry, Harry! How ever did you deal with the Slytherins teasing you about Quidditch?
Harry: Oh, I suppose I’ve just gotten used to it.
Ron: Gotten used to it?! You?!
Harry: Yes. Why?
Ron: I’m doomed.
[The match takes place on a cold, cold morning]
Ron: Harry, why did I ever sign up for Quidditch? I’m terrible. I can’t even make a save on purpose-all those spectacular saves were accidents!
Harry: Well, I accidentally got put in charge of a defense organization and look how well that’s turning out!
Ron: But…but…you’ve got main character immunity and I don’t! [Cries]
[Luna appears wearing a hat shaped like a lion, which roars]
Luna: Don’t I have such exquisitely-quirky ways of supporting my friends?
Ron: No, not really.
Luna: Hmph! [Leaves]
Angelina: So, you guys will join me on the pitch after breakfast, right?
Harry: We’re coming.
Hermione: By the way, the Slytherins made badges again.
Harry: Badges? What kind of badges?
[On the way out, Harry is able to discern that they say “Weasley is our king”]
[They go to meet their team…]
Angelina: So I’ve just received word that Crabbe and Goyle are Slytherin’s Beaters now.
Harry: Well that’s good news, because they’re so stupid there’s no way they’ll be a credible threat!
Angelina: What a coincidence-Slytherin’s last Beaters were stupid too. No wonder we keep beating them-they suck at assembling a competent team!
[They go out to the pitch and the game begins…]
Lee Jordan: Angelina is such a magnificent captain. Why won’t she go out with me?
McGonagall: Jordan, will you keep your head in the game?
Lee Jordan: It’s an honest question.
McGonagall: Maybe if you were a main character.
Lee Jordan: Hey, listen-the crowd’s singing.
Slytherins: Weasley is a loser! Weasley is a loser! Weasley will make sure we’ll win, which is why he’s our king!
Ron: Oh fuck you! [Cries]
[A Slytherin Chaser manages to score while Ron is distracted]
Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! What can I do to help my friend Ron?!
Angelina: Harry! Never mind Ron! Just keep your head in the game!
Harry: Oh, right. If I catch the Snitch it won’t matter how much Ron screws up.
[Ron lets in three more goals, though Katie scores against Slytherin once]
Harry: Oh, no! I must catch the Snitch now, to rescue our good name!
[Harry eventually catches the Snitch, but a Bludger knocks him off his broom shortly afterward]
Angelina: Harry, are you okay?
Harry: Of course I am-I only fell a few feet.
Draco: You may have won the game, but I still think your friend is a sorry excuse for a Keeper, and will gloat about this until we are very, very old men.
Harry: Whatever. He’s used to being overshadowed by me anyway.
Draco: By the way, it’s my professional opinion that his mother is fat and his father is a loser.
Fred and George: How dare you?!
Angelina: Please don’t start fighting now. Not when we won fair and square.
Harry: I have to agree with Angelina here.
Draco: Oh, and did I mention that I have about as high an opinion of your mother as I do the Weasleys’ mother? That is to say, as low as the Marianas Trench?
Harry: How dare you insult my mother! [Charges Draco and starts punching him]
Madam Hooch: Oh, no you don’t! Impedimenta! [Blasts Harry with a spell that sends him flying backward] All of you! Go to your Head of House at once!
[Harry, Fred, and George go to Professor McGonagall…]
McGonagall: How dare you make my house look bad by beating up another student!
Harry: But…but…this is Draco Malfoy we’re talking about! He deserves everything he gets!
McGonagall: That’s the excuse you use to justify beating someone up for no reason?!
Fred: Well he did insult our parents.
McGonagall: Repeat after me: wands and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Harry: But…but…words do hurt!
Umbridge: I thought I might find you here!
Harry: Oh, no. It’s her.
Umbridge: I heard that! [to Professor McGonagall] What is going on here?
McGonagall: I don’t see how that’s any of your business.
Umbridge: You honestly think something like that will convince someone as evil as me to go away?
McGonagall: Alright, when you put it that way, I suppose I have no choice but to tolerate you for this one scene. [to Harry, Fred, and George] So, all three of you will face detention for beating up a fellow student--
Umbridge: And furthermore, you’re suspended from Quidditch!
McGonagall: …You…have no authority to say such a thing!
Umbridge: Oh, yes I do. I have an official document from the Minister of Magic himself giving me authority to assign punishments and override the judgment of another teacher if need be. [Produces document]
McGonagall: This can’t be happening….
Umbridge: But it is-it’s signed by the Minister of Magic so you have to respect it. I hereby order these three suspended from playing Quidditch, and I’m confiscating their brooms as well.
Harry: You evil monster! Are you even human?!
Umbridge: Thank you. I appreciate the compliment.
[Later that day…]
Angelina: Oh, no! This is terrible! How ever will we play without you three?! You’re the only good-I mean, the best players we’ve got!
Alicia: Besides, Crabbe hit a Bludger at Harry after he’d caught the Snitch, and he’s not been banned.
Ginny: Wow, favoritism sucks when you’re not on the receiving end!
[Ron doesn’t return to the common room until late at night]
Harry: Ron, you look frozen half to death.
Ron: Do I?
Harry: You weren’t trying to kill yourself, were you?
Ron: So what if I was? I’m so awful at Quidditch I should just resign.
Harry: But you can’t resign now! Not when Fred, George, and I have been kicked off the team!
Ron: You were kicked off the team?! But how?!
Hermione: Umbridge decided to ban Harry just for beating up Draco Malfoy after he insulted his mother.
Ron: The indignity! …Oh, but if I were better at Quidditch I’m sure this wouldn’t have happened.
Harry: Don’t blame yourself. If you want to blame anyone, blame Malfoy.
Ron: But that song made me so upset.
Harry: But I was the one who punched him.
Ron: Well…I suppose that’s true.
Hermione: By the way, Hagrid’s back. I just saw him going toward his hut.
Harry and Ron: WHAT?!
*A/N: Just because you point out that Hermione would be a textbook Ravenclaw if she didn’t have to be in Gryffindor for the sake of the story doesn’t excuse it, Rowling….
**A/N: For the record, this was also in the text.