Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 16
[Sometime later, Hermione broaches the subject of Harry teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts again.]
Harry: Well, I’ve been thinking long and hard about it, and I’ve been really getting into it, and planning all sorts of lessons I could teach you, and imagining myself moderating duels between all of you, and the lot of us rising up together and overthrowing Umbridge-but no, this is still a pipe dream and will never work. Like I said, it was all luck.
Hermione: But Harry, everyone you’ve ever known has admitted that you can do spells even adults can’t do.
Harry: Yeah, well that’s because the adults in this world are even stupider than us kids.
Hermione: Viktor Krum said so, though. And he’s not stupid.
Ron: You’re still talking to that man? But why would you do such a thing when you have me?
Hermione: I thought he might make a good potential ally.
Ron: Yeah, right-you just want to take a ride on his broomstick.
Hermione: I promise you I’m right! He’s going to show up again as a major player in the story!
Ron: I’ll believe that as soon as I see him saying or doing anything plot-relevant ever again.
Harry: Ahem, I hope I’m not interrupting anything….
Hermione: No, not at all! So, Harry, how would you feel about teaching anyone in the whole entire school who supported our cause?
Harry: Well…if any of those ungrateful bastards actually start taking me seriously and coming to lessons, I’m in.
Hermione: Excellent! Let’s all meet to discuss the matter further in Hogsmeade! If we convene there there’s no way on earth that Umbridge will ever ever ever find out about it!
[The trip to Hogsmeade arrives…]
Hermione: We’ll be less likely to be overheard if we all meet in the suspicious-looking pub called The Hog’s Head, which is conveniently located in the red light district of Hogsmeade! Let’s all go over there!
[They go to the Hog’s Head…]
Harry: It smells like goats in here. And everyone’s face is covered. Oh, no! What if Umbridge is here, and just hiding her face?!
Hermione: Nobody in here appears to be her size, though. Although that man at the bar sure looks suspicious in an important sort of way.
Harry: Huh.
Hermione: Anyway, we’re not doing anything that’s not allowed by school rules. All we have to do is act like we’re a study group and there’s nothing she can do to get us in trouble.
Ron: Maybe we should order a firewhisky from that man at the bar? I doubt he’d care if we were underage.
Hermione: Ron, have you forgotten that you’re supposed to be a prefect?
Ron: It’s not that I forget, it’s that I don’t care.
[Just then, a crowd of their fellow students file in and surround them.]
Harry: T-there’s so many people here! They like me! [Cries tears of joy] I FEEL LOVED AGAIN!
Cho: Harry, meet my friend Marietta!
Harry: Oh, wow-Cho is here! And she’s brought a friend!
Marietta: By the way, I didn’t want to come but Cho made me.
Harry: You…You don’t like me?! How dare you! You must be evil!
Marietta: What in the world--?!
Cho: Well that’s not very nice….
Harry: Hermione, you don’t actually expect me to give a speech to all these people?
Hermione: Don’t worry-I’ll introduce you, and if you get stuck I’ll just put words in your mouth!
Harry: Wow, you’re the best!
Hermione: I aim to please. [to crowd] So, anyway, I thought that since that Umbridge woman isn’t teaching us anything but what a sadist and horrible monster she is, we should all get together and teach ourselves Defense Against the Dark Arts for the time being. You know, so we can defend ourselves and stuff in case Voldemort ever came back.
Hufflepuff boy: So you think he’s back too, huh?
Ron: Just who the hell are you and what makes you think you have the right to talk to a Gryffindor main character like that?
Hufflepuff boy: My name’s Zacharias Smith, thank you, and it was an honest question.
Hermione: Now you listen here-Harry’s suffering from the vapors right now and he can’t handle any sort of dissenting opinion-
Harry: Now, now, Hermione-what kind of hero would I be if I didn’t rise to an occasion like this? For your information, Zacharias Smith, I saw Voldemort regenerate and kill Cedric last year. So there.
Zacharias Smith: I’ve heard that before. Can you offer us any details or proof that he’s back?
Harry: Dumbledore told you that Voldemort came back to life and killed Cedric! Is his word not good enough for you?!
Zacharias Smith: To be perfectly blunt, no it isn’t. What exactly did happen with Cedric?
Harry: How dare you! I don’t wanna talk about Cedric, so I won’t! Why can’t you just believe everything Dumbledore says? Like Ron and Hermione do?
Zacharias Smith: This is going to be a long meeting.
Hermione: Well…that’s enough of that. So, who here is interested in learning some defense?
Hufflepuff girl: By the way, Harry, is it true that you can produce a corporeal Patronus?
Harry: A what?
Hufflepuff girl: A Patronus that takes a shape.
Harry: I’ve heard that somewhere before. Say, do you know Madam Amelia Bones?
Hufflepuff girl: Yes, I’m her niece, Susan Bones. But, can you really produce a Patronus that has a shape?
Harry: Yes I can! Aren’t I so awesome? Oh, and I also killed a Basilisk, saved the Sorcerer’s Stone, was totally baller in the Triwizard Tournament.
Cho: Yes, yes he was.
Harry: Oh, wow! Cho acknowledged that I was good in the Triwizard Tournament! This could be my lucky day!
Michael Corner: Wow, Harry-you’ll be the best teacher ever!
Harry: [to self] Oh, snap-I was supposed to be ruthlessly honest with these people and not mislead them into thinking I’m actually good at this stuff! [to crowd] Ahahahahah! Did I say any of that out loud?! I…ah…I didn’t mean it, guys-I just got lucky, really!
Zacharias Smith: So you’re too scared to share any of your knowledge with us, then? Or were you just bluffing this whole time?
Harry: No, it’s not like that at all! Honest!
Ron: How dare you besmirch my Gryffindor friend’s good name, you slimy Hufflepuff! You’re probably the one who’s a coward at heart!
Zacharias Smith: I played quidditch for the Hufflepuff team! I think that alone qualifies me as pretty brave!
Ron: Nonsense-it’s impossible to be brave and not like Harry!
Zacharias Smith: …WHAT?!
Fred: Do not question our friend Harry, or we’ll shove our bags of Zonko’s merchandise up your ass!
Zacharias Smith: …Fine….
Hermione: Oh, can we stay on topic for five minutes?! Ahem, anyway, how often should we meet?
Angelina: Whatever time we meet, can it not conflict with quidditch practice?
Hermione: That should be fine.
Ernie: Although, if you think about it, this is probably more important than anything else we’ll do all year-including quidditch.
Hermione: Especially since I have a theory that the only reason why Umbridge doesn’t want us to use these spells is that she’s paranoid Dumbledore’s trying to organize an army to overthrow her.
Others: …
Luna: I knew it-you and I do have more in common than you think!
Hermione: Huh? What makes you say that?
Luna: Well, you believe Umbridge is paranoid about Dumbledore building a secret army for no reason, and I believe Cornelius Fudge has an army of Heliopaths, which burn everything they touch, for no reason! We’re practically sisters!
Hermione: Nonsense-the things I believe are actually true, whereas these Heliopaths you speak of don’t even exist.
Luna: Do you have any more proof than I do?
Hermione: Well…no… but it’s what I choose to believe. And hey, I’m a main character, so chances are I’m right. Whereas you are support staff and therefore everything you do has to be sanctioned by us. Otherwise you’re evil.
Luna: [to self] Well at least I’m smarter and know myself better than those weirdos….
Ginny: Hey everyone, pay attention to the matter at hand or else I’ll torture you all into jelly-I mean, why don’t we focus on setting up a time and place to meet? Like we’re supposed to be doing?
Lee Jordan: Wow, you sounded almost exactly like Umbridge!
Ernie Macmilan: He’s right!
Harry: T-this is the girl I’m going to marry someday?
Hermione: Either way, she’s right.
Lee Jordan: Why don’t we meet once a week?
Angelina: As long as it doesn’t conflict with quidditch.
Hermione: Done. Now, where should we meet?
[Nobody has an answer]
Hermione: Well…details, details. We can always decide this later. For now, let’s just sign my totally innocuous little form here that’s totally not a super-secret, totally-binding-until-the-day-you-die-or-maybe-even-later contract! Yeah, this is just an interest form, just to see if you maybe want to show up for lessons, and to indicate (based entirely on the honor system, of course) that you won’t tell Umbridge what we’re up to because, after all, that would get you in trouble. It’s not that I plan to punish horribly anyone who squeals on us, oh no.
Harry: You heard her! This is a totally innocuous, completely risk-free little sign-up form that does nothing but convey interest in the meeting!
Ernie: But what if Umbridge somehow gets her hands on the list? I’m a prefect-I can’t just go off breaking school rules.
Harry: You mean…you don’t want to pledge your undying loyalty to me the way a good Hufflepuff should? How dare you!
Hermione: Besides, I’m so hyper competent at everything that there’s no way I’d lose the list or keep it lying around!
Ernie: Fair enough, I suppose….
[One my one, people sign the list]
Marietta: I hate being here and all of you!
Hermione: Just sign the list already! Conform to the Harry Potter love or else!
Marietta: Fine! Be that way! Since this contract is oh so innocent and risk-free, you won’t mind if I decide to back out, right?
Hermione: Well I can always punish you horribly if you do-whoops, did I say that out loud? Ehehe, I mean…there’s no risk, why would you think there’s a risk?
Cho: Marietta, it’ll be fun. I’ll be in the club with you.
Marietta: Well, where Cho goes, I go, I suppose…. [Signs list]
[After everyone signs the list, they leave]
Ron: Why did so many evil people show up to this meeting? Like that Zacharias person, for one.
Hermione: Well, the more people who seem to have an interest in joining us, the better. I couldn’t afford to turn anyone away at this stage. Even if they are like Michael Corner, who’s just interested because he’s dating Ginny.
Ron: …This nobody’s dating Ginny?! But why?! She and Harry are meant to be!
Hermione: Well, at least he’s not an important character, so odds are their relationship won’t last.
Harry: But Cho is important, right? So we might yet have a chance together?
Ron: Nonsense! You’re marrying Ginny whether you like it or not!
Harry: …Let me keep my dreams, okay?
Harry: Well, I’ve been thinking long and hard about it, and I’ve been really getting into it, and planning all sorts of lessons I could teach you, and imagining myself moderating duels between all of you, and the lot of us rising up together and overthrowing Umbridge-but no, this is still a pipe dream and will never work. Like I said, it was all luck.
Hermione: But Harry, everyone you’ve ever known has admitted that you can do spells even adults can’t do.
Harry: Yeah, well that’s because the adults in this world are even stupider than us kids.
Hermione: Viktor Krum said so, though. And he’s not stupid.
Ron: You’re still talking to that man? But why would you do such a thing when you have me?
Hermione: I thought he might make a good potential ally.
Ron: Yeah, right-you just want to take a ride on his broomstick.
Hermione: I promise you I’m right! He’s going to show up again as a major player in the story!
Ron: I’ll believe that as soon as I see him saying or doing anything plot-relevant ever again.
Harry: Ahem, I hope I’m not interrupting anything….
Hermione: No, not at all! So, Harry, how would you feel about teaching anyone in the whole entire school who supported our cause?
Harry: Well…if any of those ungrateful bastards actually start taking me seriously and coming to lessons, I’m in.
Hermione: Excellent! Let’s all meet to discuss the matter further in Hogsmeade! If we convene there there’s no way on earth that Umbridge will ever ever ever find out about it!
[The trip to Hogsmeade arrives…]
Hermione: We’ll be less likely to be overheard if we all meet in the suspicious-looking pub called The Hog’s Head, which is conveniently located in the red light district of Hogsmeade! Let’s all go over there!
[They go to the Hog’s Head…]
Harry: It smells like goats in here. And everyone’s face is covered. Oh, no! What if Umbridge is here, and just hiding her face?!
Hermione: Nobody in here appears to be her size, though. Although that man at the bar sure looks suspicious in an important sort of way.
Harry: Huh.
Hermione: Anyway, we’re not doing anything that’s not allowed by school rules. All we have to do is act like we’re a study group and there’s nothing she can do to get us in trouble.
Ron: Maybe we should order a firewhisky from that man at the bar? I doubt he’d care if we were underage.
Hermione: Ron, have you forgotten that you’re supposed to be a prefect?
Ron: It’s not that I forget, it’s that I don’t care.
[Just then, a crowd of their fellow students file in and surround them.]
Harry: T-there’s so many people here! They like me! [Cries tears of joy] I FEEL LOVED AGAIN!
Cho: Harry, meet my friend Marietta!
Harry: Oh, wow-Cho is here! And she’s brought a friend!
Marietta: By the way, I didn’t want to come but Cho made me.
Harry: You…You don’t like me?! How dare you! You must be evil!
Marietta: What in the world--?!
Cho: Well that’s not very nice….
Harry: Hermione, you don’t actually expect me to give a speech to all these people?
Hermione: Don’t worry-I’ll introduce you, and if you get stuck I’ll just put words in your mouth!
Harry: Wow, you’re the best!
Hermione: I aim to please. [to crowd] So, anyway, I thought that since that Umbridge woman isn’t teaching us anything but what a sadist and horrible monster she is, we should all get together and teach ourselves Defense Against the Dark Arts for the time being. You know, so we can defend ourselves and stuff in case Voldemort ever came back.
Hufflepuff boy: So you think he’s back too, huh?
Ron: Just who the hell are you and what makes you think you have the right to talk to a Gryffindor main character like that?
Hufflepuff boy: My name’s Zacharias Smith, thank you, and it was an honest question.
Hermione: Now you listen here-Harry’s suffering from the vapors right now and he can’t handle any sort of dissenting opinion-
Harry: Now, now, Hermione-what kind of hero would I be if I didn’t rise to an occasion like this? For your information, Zacharias Smith, I saw Voldemort regenerate and kill Cedric last year. So there.
Zacharias Smith: I’ve heard that before. Can you offer us any details or proof that he’s back?
Harry: Dumbledore told you that Voldemort came back to life and killed Cedric! Is his word not good enough for you?!
Zacharias Smith: To be perfectly blunt, no it isn’t. What exactly did happen with Cedric?
Harry: How dare you! I don’t wanna talk about Cedric, so I won’t! Why can’t you just believe everything Dumbledore says? Like Ron and Hermione do?
Zacharias Smith: This is going to be a long meeting.
Hermione: Well…that’s enough of that. So, who here is interested in learning some defense?
Hufflepuff girl: By the way, Harry, is it true that you can produce a corporeal Patronus?
Harry: A what?
Hufflepuff girl: A Patronus that takes a shape.
Harry: I’ve heard that somewhere before. Say, do you know Madam Amelia Bones?
Hufflepuff girl: Yes, I’m her niece, Susan Bones. But, can you really produce a Patronus that has a shape?
Harry: Yes I can! Aren’t I so awesome? Oh, and I also killed a Basilisk, saved the Sorcerer’s Stone, was totally baller in the Triwizard Tournament.
Cho: Yes, yes he was.
Harry: Oh, wow! Cho acknowledged that I was good in the Triwizard Tournament! This could be my lucky day!
Michael Corner: Wow, Harry-you’ll be the best teacher ever!
Harry: [to self] Oh, snap-I was supposed to be ruthlessly honest with these people and not mislead them into thinking I’m actually good at this stuff! [to crowd] Ahahahahah! Did I say any of that out loud?! I…ah…I didn’t mean it, guys-I just got lucky, really!
Zacharias Smith: So you’re too scared to share any of your knowledge with us, then? Or were you just bluffing this whole time?
Harry: No, it’s not like that at all! Honest!
Ron: How dare you besmirch my Gryffindor friend’s good name, you slimy Hufflepuff! You’re probably the one who’s a coward at heart!
Zacharias Smith: I played quidditch for the Hufflepuff team! I think that alone qualifies me as pretty brave!
Ron: Nonsense-it’s impossible to be brave and not like Harry!
Zacharias Smith: …WHAT?!
Fred: Do not question our friend Harry, or we’ll shove our bags of Zonko’s merchandise up your ass!
Zacharias Smith: …Fine….
Hermione: Oh, can we stay on topic for five minutes?! Ahem, anyway, how often should we meet?
Angelina: Whatever time we meet, can it not conflict with quidditch practice?
Hermione: That should be fine.
Ernie: Although, if you think about it, this is probably more important than anything else we’ll do all year-including quidditch.
Hermione: Especially since I have a theory that the only reason why Umbridge doesn’t want us to use these spells is that she’s paranoid Dumbledore’s trying to organize an army to overthrow her.
Others: …
Luna: I knew it-you and I do have more in common than you think!
Hermione: Huh? What makes you say that?
Luna: Well, you believe Umbridge is paranoid about Dumbledore building a secret army for no reason, and I believe Cornelius Fudge has an army of Heliopaths, which burn everything they touch, for no reason! We’re practically sisters!
Hermione: Nonsense-the things I believe are actually true, whereas these Heliopaths you speak of don’t even exist.
Luna: Do you have any more proof than I do?
Hermione: Well…no… but it’s what I choose to believe. And hey, I’m a main character, so chances are I’m right. Whereas you are support staff and therefore everything you do has to be sanctioned by us. Otherwise you’re evil.
Luna: [to self] Well at least I’m smarter and know myself better than those weirdos….
Ginny: Hey everyone, pay attention to the matter at hand or else I’ll torture you all into jelly-I mean, why don’t we focus on setting up a time and place to meet? Like we’re supposed to be doing?
Lee Jordan: Wow, you sounded almost exactly like Umbridge!
Ernie Macmilan: He’s right!
Harry: T-this is the girl I’m going to marry someday?
Hermione: Either way, she’s right.
Lee Jordan: Why don’t we meet once a week?
Angelina: As long as it doesn’t conflict with quidditch.
Hermione: Done. Now, where should we meet?
[Nobody has an answer]
Hermione: Well…details, details. We can always decide this later. For now, let’s just sign my totally innocuous little form here that’s totally not a super-secret, totally-binding-until-the-day-you-die-or-maybe-even-later contract! Yeah, this is just an interest form, just to see if you maybe want to show up for lessons, and to indicate (based entirely on the honor system, of course) that you won’t tell Umbridge what we’re up to because, after all, that would get you in trouble. It’s not that I plan to punish horribly anyone who squeals on us, oh no.
Harry: You heard her! This is a totally innocuous, completely risk-free little sign-up form that does nothing but convey interest in the meeting!
Ernie: But what if Umbridge somehow gets her hands on the list? I’m a prefect-I can’t just go off breaking school rules.
Harry: You mean…you don’t want to pledge your undying loyalty to me the way a good Hufflepuff should? How dare you!
Hermione: Besides, I’m so hyper competent at everything that there’s no way I’d lose the list or keep it lying around!
Ernie: Fair enough, I suppose….
[One my one, people sign the list]
Marietta: I hate being here and all of you!
Hermione: Just sign the list already! Conform to the Harry Potter love or else!
Marietta: Fine! Be that way! Since this contract is oh so innocent and risk-free, you won’t mind if I decide to back out, right?
Hermione: Well I can always punish you horribly if you do-whoops, did I say that out loud? Ehehe, I mean…there’s no risk, why would you think there’s a risk?
Cho: Marietta, it’ll be fun. I’ll be in the club with you.
Marietta: Well, where Cho goes, I go, I suppose…. [Signs list]
[After everyone signs the list, they leave]
Ron: Why did so many evil people show up to this meeting? Like that Zacharias person, for one.
Hermione: Well, the more people who seem to have an interest in joining us, the better. I couldn’t afford to turn anyone away at this stage. Even if they are like Michael Corner, who’s just interested because he’s dating Ginny.
Ron: …This nobody’s dating Ginny?! But why?! She and Harry are meant to be!
Hermione: Well, at least he’s not an important character, so odds are their relationship won’t last.
Harry: But Cho is important, right? So we might yet have a chance together?
Ron: Nonsense! You’re marrying Ginny whether you like it or not!
Harry: …Let me keep my dreams, okay?