Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 1
Sorry about the long delay-I switched schools this semester and have been pretty busy adjusting.
Harry: So, here I am, hiding in a plant and watching the news. Why am I hiding in a plant? So the evil muggles don't start abusing me again!
Uncle Vernon: Ho, hum-so glad Harry Potter is not in the house.... By the way, my family-you don't think he could actually be watching the news like he said he was going to, right? I thought he was too stupid for that! You know, just like Dudley!
[Suddenly, Mrs. Figg walks past]
Harry: Oh, no! Not her again! I hate how she always invites me to tea! As if anyone who lives in this neighborhood has any business being kind to me! Only wizards are allowed to do that!
Vernon: So, where is Dudley, anyway?
Petunia: Oh, he's probably out vandalizing the playground and giving children black eyes-ah, I mean, having tea with friends!
Harry: Oh, brother....
News: So, the low-paying airport workers in Spain are all on strike for no apparent reason...
Harry: Well, at least nothing terrible's happened in the wizarding world. I'm sure that would have made the news, right?
News: ...and some chumps with way too much time on their hands trained their pet Budgerigar to water-ski....
Harry: What is this, 'Silly Pet Tricks?'
[Just then, there's a mysterious cracking noise!]
Harry: This is bad! Must prepare! [Grabs wand]
Vernon: Harry! What in the hell did you do!?
Harry: I DIDN'T DO IT YOU MEANIE!
Petunia: Then who did? What were you doing in the garden anyway?
Harry: I was just watching the news.
Petunia: As if a wizard would ever be good enough to appear on our news programs. Besides, I thought owls were supposed to send you news.
Vernon: Come to think of it, there sure have been a lot of owls around here lately.
Harry: You know, sometimes an owl is just an owl. [to self] Crap! Now how do I distract them? [to Dursleys] By the way, would you like to hear the precise ecological niche of a Eurasian Eagle-Owl?
Petunia: Since when do you know anything about real-life facts and figures?
Harry: I have to practice for the Nazi posturing of my enemies in the seventh book.
Vernon: Anyway, do you think we're so stupid as to not recognize that you're up to something?
Harry: Well, quite frankly, yes. Oh! Burn! [Walks away]
Vernon: Damn you....
[Harry walks down the street...]
Harry: I'm beginning to think that cracking noise came from someone apparating. Oh, wait! What if it... didn't?! Aww, boo hiss. Here I am suffering from wishful thinking.... However, my friends said they would rescue me at some point in the future! Oh, I can't wait! I'm so excited to see them.... So why the hell haven't they sent me more information-oh wait, it's because the government is being stupid and evil and confiscating messages so they have to leave things vague. But still, I HATE THE FACT THAT MY FRIENDS ARE PROBABLY HAVING FUN AND I'M STUCK HERE BEING ABUSED! I was so mad I THREW AWAY THE CANDY THEY GAVE ME and now I CAN'T EAT IT! See how I suffer for the fact that they have things easier than me!
[Harry walks down the road called Magnolia Crescent and sits down on a swing in a playground by himself]
Harry: Oh, and I'm also getting correspondences from Sirius, who tells me to be careful. Oh, that's funny considering he's a wanted outlaw! OH, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY am I the only one stuck in this stupid neighborhood surrounded by abusive muggles while everyone else goes off and has fun and does not report on Voldemort?! WHYYYYY?! It's not FAAAAAAAAAIR! Am I not the hero of these books?! Dammit, I'm the one who deserves to do all the exciting stuff! Not these other people!
[After a time, Dudley and his gang arrive!]
Harry: Oh, goody! Now I can vent my frustrations by hexing Dudley and his evil friends into oblivion!
Dudley: What was that? Eh, must be my imagination. [Continues down the street]
Harry: No! Wait! Come back here, you cowards! Come back here so I can hex you into jelly! [Sigh] Oh well, better get back to the Dursleys' quickly before they beat me for coming home after Dudley.
[By the time Harry catches up with Dudley again, he is alone.]
Harry: By the way, your nickname, Big D, is the stupidest one ever. It's even stupider than Ickle Diddykins. Which is, in fact, what your parents call you.
Dudley: I'm warning you!
Harry: Oh, sure. Just beat me up like you did those ten-year-old kids!
Dudley: They said I was ugly!
Harry: Well it's true!
Dudley: You're just saying that because of that magic thing you've got in your pants!
Harry: You need to get laid!
Dudley: So do you! Oh, wait! We're not supposed to be helping each other! Never ever ever get laid ever, you scumbag!
Harry: Right back at ya! [Reaches for wand]
Dudley: You can't use that thing on me! There are rules!
Harry: What, is my aggressive masculinity threatening to you?
Dudley: It is not!
Harry: You could've fooled me, considering you require four friends just to beat up a ten-year-old. You've got serious self-confidence issues if that's your way.
Dudley: Yeah, well so do you! All that crying you do in your sleep!
Harry: What?! [to self] Crap! He's overheard all the angsting I do in bed when I think nobody's watching!
Dudley: Don't think I don't know. All that crying you do about Cedric dying-whoever he is-and crying for your daddy?
Harry: Oh, that's it! [Points wand at Dudley]
Dudley: What are you doing with that thing?!
Harry: Threatening you!
Dudley: Well can you stop it? You know I can't fight back!
Harry: Neither can your average eight-year-old!
Dudley: That's not the point! You could do all sorts of nasty things to me! You could permanently cripple me or disfigure my ruggedly-handsome face!
Harry: Yeah? Well if you gang up on and hit a six-year-old, he's probably going to suffer a broken nose and brain damage! It's really no different!
Dudley: You're really hung up on that bit, aren't you?
Harry: Well I am a warrior for justice.
Dudley: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
[But just then, the air grows very cold, ad Harry can feel an evil presence.]
Harry: Oh, no! It's a Dementor! But what the hell are they doing here?!
Dudley: What the fuck is a Dementor, anyway?! Is this your idea of a joke!?
Harry: Stop talking-you're making this splitting headache I've got on account of my scar so much worse! AGH!
Dudley: I'm outta here! [He tries to run...]
Harry: NO! STOP IT! YOU'RE GOING TOWARD THE EVIL MONSTER THAT WANTS TO KILL YOU AND SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL! Crap-I'm gonna need a big Patronus for this. Um... lemme think of... ah... naked Cedric... doing it with... naked Sirius... while... ah... naked Ginny watches! Okay, EXPECTO PATRONUUUUUUUM!
[Harry fires off his strings of ivory patronus, which take the form of a stag and chases away the Dementors who are about to kiss Dudley.
Dudley: Wow... for once I'm actually glad you came.
Mrs. Figg: I thought I heard a commotion here! What the hell is going on?!
Harry and Dudley: Oh, shit!