HBP Chapter Three: "Will and Won't"
* So, after two chapters of pointless filler, we can finally - FINALLY - get to the actual story. Such as it is.
* Oh, no, my mistake, we have six pages describing the state of Harry’s bedroom first.
* Apparently Harry’s breath left a “misty fug” on the window-pane. Really, JKR? His breath left “a hot, stale, or suffocating atmosphere”, did it? Honestly, if you’re going to try and use obscure words, at least try and use them correctly. Gah.
* Wow, Harry really lives like a total pig. Still, let’s be fair here, cleaning up can be quite boring and tedious. I mean, it’s not as if there are any magic spells which can instantly tidy a room and- oh, wait.
* Although I don’t suppose Hogwarts does teach its pupils any tidying spells. I mean, they probably don’t have time, there’s just so much other stuff they need to teach. How will the wizards of the future survive without being able to make pineapples tap-dance or turn rabbits into fluffy slippers? (Hey, don’t knock it. You never know when your feet will unexpectedly start feeling cold and you’ll need to transfigure yourself a couple of slippers.)
* JK Rowling now treats us to an example of the “read book and newspaper cuttings in lieu of having an actual plot” method of storytelling she’ll so mercilessly inflict upon is in Deathly Hallows. Oh well. We can’t say we haven’t been warned.
* Harry Potter is now being nicknamed “the Chosen One”. Seriously, Rowling? Come on, pretty much every fantasy story has a “chosen one” somewhere in it. At least “the boy who lived” was original to your stories. Do you really want to drop one of the unique elements of your books and replace it with an overused, generic fantasy cliché? On second thoughts, don’t bother answering that.
* So Harry is “the only person ever known to have survived the Killing Curse”. Really? Because I can’t believe that Lilly was the only person in recorded history to lay down her life to save somebody else. Even if you say that her sacrifice was more special because she was offered a chance to save herself, what about people who are captured by their enemies and offered their lives if they betray their friends, but still prefer death? Or maybe all the other Dark Lords know that their killing curses will be useless after this, and sensibly choose something else to kill their opponents. (“Accio heart!”)
* What’s the point of having the photographs move, again? It just seems like it would be a distraction from the actual text. Not to mention the annoyance if the subject randomly decides to wander out of the frame and you can’t see them. (And where do they wander off to, anyway? Does the world outside of the frame still exist in the photograph? And how do the pictures decide to move? Are they sentient? Is, for example, burning an old newspaper for kindling tantamount to mass murder?)
* Naturally Scrimgeour’s first priority on becoming Minister was to try and get Dumbledore’s support. Equally naturally Dumbledore refused to offer it. Gotta make sure the Minister remembers who’s boss in the wizarding world, after all.
* Harry’s trunk is no tidier than the rest of the room: its bottom is covered with a “residue” of sweet rappers, empty ink bottles, broken quills and dirty underwear (!).
* I must say, I don’t envy the wizards’ position in this war. You’d never know whether somebody was actually your brother/parent/spouse or just a Death Eater Polyjuiced to look like them; and, even if it is really them, they might have been Imperiused. It’s a wonder wizards aren’t cracking under the strain of paranoia and having nervous breakdowns all over the place.
* Dumbledore arrives! Yay! Ooh, ooh, Mrs. Rowling, if we ask you very nicely, can we please have some plot now?
* “However, let us assume that you have invited me warmly into your house.” No, Albus, you presumptuous, arrogant, self-righteous git, let’s not assume that. Instead, let’s actually ask Mr. Dursley if he’s OK with you coming into his house and taking his nephew away. I know he’s only a muggle, and most wizards wouldn’t bother with such niceties, but you’ve always liked to show off your tolerance, so maybe you should put your professed beliefs into practice once in a while.
* “[E]ven Uncle Vernon could sense that here was a man whom it would be very difficult to bully” - well, yes, because Dumbledore is an even bigger bully than Vernon is. He just happens to be slightly more subtle about it.
* “-yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often.” Not where Dumbledore’s concerned, however. No, you can tell his rudeness here is all carefully calculated, probably to get Harry on-side for the trip to Slughorn’s house.
* No wonder Dudley’s looking so frightened; his main interactions with wizards haven’t exactly been very positive so far. Let’s see, first of all Hagrid tried to turn him into a pig, then the Twins almost suffocated him with their magical toffees. TBH I think I’d feel pretty nervous around wizards if I were him.
* “Shall we assume that you have invited me into your sitting room?” TBH Dumbledore I’d rather assume that they’d told you to sod off, and that you’ve finally grown a sense of decency and agreed to go. Not that that’s likely to happen, of course.
* “‘I would assume that you were going to offer me refreshment,’ Dumbledore said to Uncle Vernon, ‘but the evidence so far suggests that that would be optimistic to the point of foolishness.’” Oh, f-k off, Dumbledore, you massive four-letter word. Not only do you barge into the Dursleys’ house like this, you now try and make out that they’re in the wrong for not offering you drinks, as if people have an obligation to wait on any random stranger who forces his way into their home. Aaargh! *lapses into incoherent rage and swears angrily at novel for several minutes*
* So what was the spell Dumbledore used to get the mead? Did he teleport it direct from Hogsmeade? Magically store it in his wand somehow?
* “Harry could not supress a suspicion that Dumbledore was rather enjoying himself.” No doubt that’s why Harry likes Dumbledore so much: they both get off on humiliating defenceless antagonists.
* “But it would have been better manners to drink it, you know” - yes, and even better manners not to hit the Dursleys over the head with glasses of mead. Still, it’s all their fault, isn’t it, Dumbledore?
* Good job Sirius made a will, since otherwise Kreacher and the Order HQ would have passed over to a notorious Death Eater. Still, it would have been funny to see the looks on everybody’s faces when they realised what had happened.
* Buckbeak would prefer to live with Hagrid? Yeah right. For all that Hagrid goes on about how much he loves animals, he’s got a very warped, sentimental, anthropomorphised view of them. I can’t imagine any animal liking him at all.
* I call BS on the idea that Dumbledore just so happened to shrewdly guess Harry didn’t think he was going to come round. More likely he’s been peeking at the author’s notes or mind-reading Harry.
* Dumbles gets all self-righteous and judgemental about the Dursleys’ treatment of Harry, without bothering to explain why he didn’t feel any need to intervene and stop them.
* So the magical protection will end when Harry’s seventeen… why, exactly? What’s so special about being age seventeen? I mean, maybe that’s the legal age of adulthood in the wizarding world, but Harry’s supposedly being protected by The Primal Power of Love or whatever wizards call it, and having this deep and timeless magic conform to civil law statutes about when you are and aren’t allowed to use magic is just completely bathetic.
* Any idea what Aunt Petunia’s “oddly flushed” look is about? It’s clearly meant to be significant in some way, but I can’t quite work out how. Is she thinking that her sister’s only child might soon be killed?
* “And now, Harry, let us step out into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.” If there were a prize for best bad line in fiction, I’d definitely nominate this one. J