Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 19
In this chapter, we've got DRAGONS!! @-@
Harry: My life is the WORST EVER! [Cries]
Draco: By the way, Rita Skeeter published your article, and she says you cry for your dead parents and are in love with Hermione!
Harry: No one asked you! [Cries]
Draco: Incidentally, according to Rita Skeeter, you believe your parents are watching over you and will protect you from harm. Why do I get the feeling that's not altogether wrong?
Harry: Gee, I don't know what would have given you that idea?! They're dead and gone, I say! DEAD AND GONE!!
Cho: That's nice, but you dropped your quill.
Harry: O HAI THAR, hot stuff!
Cho: [Sweatdrop] Well, good luck in the tournament, I guess....
Pansy Parkinson: Rita Skeeter apparently finds Hermione surprisingly sexy. I guess she just has low standards....
Hermione: Harry, I tell you it's best to make up with Ron and ignore the Slytherins.
Harry: GTFO, my corner of woe is the greatest!
Hermione: Don't you miss the days where you and Ron got along?
Harry: No! Why would I miss the days in which I could chill with my bro and hate on school? You're so boring!
Hermione: Grr....
Harry: By the way, Viktor Krum is in the library as much as you are. Do you like him?
Hermione: No I do not! I'm not so superficial as to pursue a popular Quidditch star; if he won't come to me he's not worthy of my time anyway!
Harry: So you do like him?
Hermione: GTFO, BOI!
[So the days go on, and the yearly Hogsmeade trip arrives!]
Hermione: Maybe we should visit the Three Broomsticks and meet up with Ron?
Harry: NO WAY! I don't want to meet Ron!
Hermione: Well then... what if I just happen to run into him?!
Harry: I'll just wear my invisibility cloak!
Hermione: Well that's a top-notch plan!
[They go to a cafe in Hogsmeade...]
Hermione: As long as we're sitting and eating you might as well take your cloak off!
Harry: Oh, no no no. Look-Rita Skeeter's on the prowl. [He points out Rita Skeeter]
Hermione: Okay, this is stupid. Let's go to the Three Broomsticks.
Harry: But I don't want to go anywhere I might see Ron! [Cries]
Hermione: Well you don't have to talk to him, then. But I want to go to the Three Broomsticks!
[They go to the Three Broomsticks...]
Harry: There's Ron! And he's chatting with his brothers and Lee Jordan! How dare he want to spend time with them and not me! [Cries]
Hermione: I'd stand out if I just sat by myself. Luckily, I brought by SPEW stuff along! [She produces her SPEW materials] So, I thought we'd do some nonviolent direct action to raise awareness!
Harry: You do realize that this just makes it look like you think you know what the House Elves know what they want better than they themselves do.
Hermione: Oh, fine! Just disregard one of my earliest signs of Gryffindorishness.
Harry: [Looking around the room at other students] Oh, woe! If only I could watch OTHER people risking their lives in the First Task while I sat on the stands and watched! Why do I have to do everything myself?! [Cries waterfalls] No one else suffers as much as I dooooooooo!
Hermione: Oh, brother!
[Later, Hagrid and Moody show up.]
Moody: Harry, I can see through your cloak!
Harry: That's nice!
Moody: AND I can see through your clothes!
Harry: AAAAAAAAAAH!
Hagrid: Oh, by the way, meet me behind the school at midnight. I have something shiny to show you!
Harry: Oh, boy. I sure hope this won't conflict with Sirius.
[So Harry goes out to meet Hagrid, along the way bumping into the Creevey brothers, who are trying to enchant the Slytherins' badges to say something positive about Harry.]
Colin: Harry, these damned badges won't say anything now but “POTTER STINKS!”
Harry: WAAAAAAAAAAH!
[He greets Hagrid...]
Hagrid: Oh, wait, Harry-first I have to greet Madame Maxime.
Harry: Awww... Hagrid's in love!
Hagrid: [turning bright red] Something like that, anyway....
[They greet Madame Maxime...]
Hagrid: Oh, by the way, what I'm about to show you all is super top secret, so never ever ever let anyone know I showed this to you!
Madame Maxime: Wouldn't dream of it.... [to self] Oh, goody! He's believing everything I tell him and now I can go and give my lovely little student an unfair advantage! It pays to latch onto the first brain-dead large person I see!
[They go to a clearing which turns out to contain... DRAGONS!!!!]
Harry: O HAI THAR Dragons! Lemme see... there's a red Gryffindor dragon, a blue Ravenclaw dragon, and... and... a cute little green Hufflepuff dragon and an evil-looking black Slytherin dragon?
Hagrid: Close enough....
Dragon-tamers: Kids, do not try this at home!
Charlie Weasley: Yeah, go to a friend's house! [Wink]
Harry: Eeh....
Charlie: So, yes-four lovely dragons, all offered as the first task of the Triwizard Tournament. That black one is a Hungarian Horntail. Did I mention that the Hungarian Horntail is the largest and most vicious dragon in the whole entire universe?
Harry: Why do I get a bad feeling that's the one I'll have to fight?!
Charlie: Anyway, though, we've also got a Common Welsh Green, Chinese Fireball, and Swedish Short-snout. By the way, Hagrid, did it ever occur to you that Madame Maxime might tell her students about this?
Hagrid: No way! I totally did not consider that as a possibility!
Madame Maxime: YES! My ultimate seduction plan is working!!
Charlie: Incidentally, they specifically asked for nesting females, which are the most vicious kind of dragons out there.
Harry: Fuck!
Charlie: Oh, by the way, my mother totally believes everything Rita Skeeter's written about Harry!
Harry: [Facepalm]
[Harry then leaves to go speak to Sirius.]
Harry: Oh, woe is me! My life is so hard! I have to fight a giant dragon armed only with my wand! And with my luck I'll be stuck fighting the most evilest and vicious dragon they've got! Why is everyone in the world not desperate to cuddle me and feed me chocolates, dammit!?
[On the way back to the castle, Harry bumps into Karkaroff!]
Harry: Oh, no! He's going to tell the his students about the dragons too! That means that only Cedric doesn't know! That ain't right!
[He continues up to the castle...]
Harry: Oh, look, the badges the Creevey brothers have been working on are still here.... Oh, and now they say “POTTER REALLY STINKS!” Why are the badges so mean to me?! [Cries]
[Just then Sirius's head appears in the fireplace.]
Harry: Sirius, you don't look like an undead monster anymore!
Sirius: I know, right? A little more time and I'll be fit to enact absurdist comedy! But, anyway, what seems to be troubling you?
Harry: Oh, my life is aaaaaawfuuuuuul! I was entered into the Triwizard Tournament through no will of my own but purely through simple plot contrivance, and now nobody believes that it was a mistake and they all think I'm some sort of glory hound, which isn't at all fair as I've never once reveled in my celebrity status! And Rita Skeeter is saying mean things about me that everyone believes! And Ron hates me too! [Cries waterfalls] Oh and also, I have to fight a dragon.
Sirius: Well... that sucks. Here's what I should warn you about: Karkaroff used to be a Death Eater!
Harry: WHAT?! No wonder those fucking Durmstrang students like Slytherins more-they're being indoctrinated into the Slytherin mentality!
Sirius: It gets worse: Moody was the one to arrest him. I think that's why Dumbledore wanted Moody at school this year-to keep an eye on him.
Harry: So you think Karkaroff put my name in the goblet to get me killed?
Sirius: I wouldn't doubt that. Anyway, you know that witch Bertha Jorkins who went missing?
Harry: What about her?
Sirius: Well, she disappeared in Albania, and that was where Voldemort was hiding! Coincidence? I think not!
Harry: Alright, alright. So if Voldemort had her in his clutches that would explain how he got wind of the Tournament. But that makes perfect sense-Karkaroff wants to set the dragons on me so he can get me killed!
Sirius: Yes, but fear not. There is a spell you can use to subdue a dragon. It's... wait for it... you're gonna love this one...!
[Just then, someone comes to the room.]
Harry: Oh, no! I've been spotted! Quick, Sirius, you have to go now!
Sirius: Fine, fine. Don't have me tell you the easiest way to get past the dragon! [Disappears]
[The new person in the room turns out to be Ron!]
Ron: So, what were you up to?
Harry: That's none of your beeswax you betrayed me!
Ron: Well fine! Yell at me, why don't you! I'm going to bed!
Harry: Fuck you! I'm giving my eventual son the middle name Harry instead of Ron now! Take that!
Ron: D:
Harry: Oh, and take a “POTTER REALLY STINKS” badge while you're at it! [Throws a badge at Ron.]
Ron: You'd better have outgrown this PMSing by the next book!
[The two of them go to bed without speaking to one another.]