Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 10
[The next morning...]
Harry: So, that three-headed dog was supposed to be guarding something?
Ron: Well yes but what?
Harry: I know! Hagrid took something out of one of the vaults when I was with him at Gringotts! I’ll bet that’s it!
Ron: Really. So do you know what that is?
Harry: ...No. But we’ll find out soon enough. As soon as we go down the trapdoor!
Ron: *Blue with shock* D-down the trapdoor?!
Harry: Hey, we’re the main characters, we have to go down there sometime!
Ron: Okay... can we at least postpone it as long as possible?
Harry: Sounds good to me!
[Hedwig flies in with Harry’s broom]
Hedwig: Special delivery!
Harry: Cool! I got a shiny, special new broom! [Opens package] Wow, it’s a Nimbus 2000!
Ron: Wow, that’s something else! Those are the fastest models out!
Harry: Hooray! I get the fastest broom around! Now I shall win all my Quidditch games with no real effort on my part!
Draco: Until they update the model and I get one! [Sticks out tongue]
Harry: Who’d give you a new broom? You aren’t the main character, you’re just a rich loser nobody who is anybody likes!
Draco: [Snivels] My father can pay for it!
Harry: It still won’t be as good as random adults buying new brooms for me!
Professor Flitwick: Harry, Draco, stop arguing! Harry is the best, all the way, and deserves a new broom more than Draco!
Draco: WAAAAAAAH! My professor who isn’t even a Gryffindor sucks up to Harry Potter and hates me! [Runs away crying]
[Later, Harry meets Oliver Wood on the Quidditch field]
Wood: So, Quidditch is easy enough to understand, if not quite so easy to play. This is mainly owing to the fact that it makes no sense anyway!
[Wood opens the crate of balls]
Wood: Now, feast your eyes on my massive balls!
Harry: Wow, there’s so many of them! How ever will I keep them straight?!
Wood: This red ball is the Quaffle. Chasers throw this around. You aren’t a Chaser, but just so you’re aware. They throw them through those three hoops. [Points to goal hoops] The Keeper, that’s me, defends the hoops. Until I, I mean he, gets knocked off of his broom by those dastardly Slytherins.
Harry: Wow, that’s like those completely inferior Muggle games, except in the sky.
Wood: Anyway, those two big black balls are Bludgers. I can release one right now but you’ll need to take this [Hands Harry a club]
Harry: What do I do with...?
[Wood releases a Bludger, which ricochets towards Harry’s nose.]
Harry: AAAAAAH! [Whacks Bludger to Wood, who wrestles it back into its case].
Wood: They basically fly around trying to knock players off their brooms. The Beaters, in this case Fred and George the homo Weasley twins, are supposed to knock the Bludgers away from their team and toward the other team....
Harry: LOLWHUT!
Wood: Yeah, pretty much.
Harry: But wouldn’t that kill people?! Or at least seriously injure them?!
Wood: Please, we’re wizards! We can heal any nonfatal injuries in a flash!
Harry: But why?!
Wood: Because we can!
Harry: Have the Bludgers ever killed anyone?!
Wood: *Shifty eyes* Ah, no! *Tries to look innocent*
Harry: But why would you want to hit someone else with a flying metal ball?!
Wood: *Crossveins* That’s what everyone does here, okay, don’t blame me I just work here! *Huge smile* So, I’ll bet you’re wondering what a cute little Seeker such as yourself would be doing!
Harry: Er....
Wood: So, you fly around chasing this ball, the Golden Snitch [Displays Golden Snitch]
Harry: Wow, it’s shiny!
Wood: So, you don’t actually have to worry about the Quaffle or the Bludgers or anything. All you have to do is catch the shiny ball and we win!
Harry: So... I’m the most important player on the team and all I have to do is catch a shiny thing? What’s the point of having the other players, then?
Wood: *Facefaults and grows huge with fangs* NEVERMIND THAT JUST DO AS I TELL YOU!!
Harry: *Trembling* I... okay.... I get to be the most important player on the team without having to learn how to do anything else on the team?
Wood: Basically, yes.
Harry: Wow, the whole world really does revolve around me!
Wood: How about the fact that you’ll be the youngest Seeker in the century?
Harry: Wow, I’m God!
Wood: That’s the spirit!
[It’s Halloween, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione are taking Charms lessons.]
Flitwick: ...So, remember, “Swish and flick.” And say, Wingardium leviosa as you do so.
Ron: [Makes a few feeble attempts]
Hermione: Pish, tosh! You’re doing it wrong! Watch the master, now! Wingardium leviosa....
[Hermione’s feather takes off]
Ron: *Crossveins* [Through teeth] I hate you so much....
Seamus: [Cheerful] Wingardium leviosa....
[Seamus’s feather explodes]
Seamus: *Cries*
Harry: ...I think we’re going to need another feather, Professor....
[Later that day...]
Ron: Allow me to talk about how annoying Hermione is while she’s within earshot. Oh, Hermione, the most annoying neurotic nerd who is better than me at everything....
Hermione: *Runs away from Harry and Ron crying*
Harry: Dude, not cool.
[That night, the students and staff are enjoying a Halloween feast]
Professor Quirrell: [Barges in] There’s a troll in the dungeon!
Hogwarts students: Oh, no! We’ll all be taken over by sexy goffick vampires!
Dumbledore: Alright, then, all students go back to their dormitories with your Prefects while the teachers and I talk about how best to handle this
Snape: But sir, the Slytherin and Hufflepuff dormitories are in the dungeons!
Dumbledore: You must have mistaken me for someone who cares about Slytherins and Hufflepuffs.
Snape: *Gnashes teeth*
Harry: So, Ron, how do you think a troll could get in here?
Ron: Not on its own. Trolls are very stupid. They think it’s funny to have us wear tons of makeup and listen to American Muggle bands.
Harry: Ron, Hermione’s not here! She doesn’t know about the troll! We have to save her!
Ron: This sounds dangerous. As a Weasley Gryffindor I follow you to the end of the earth!
[Harry and Ron run to the girl’s bathroom, where, conveniently, Hermione has decided to go cry]
Troll: They see me trollin’....
Hermione: For the last time, my name is not B’loody Mart!
Harry: Hermione! We’re here to save you! Ron, get Hermione quick!
Ron: Why me?!
Harry: You two are going to be married someday, just do it!
[Harry jumps on the troll and sticks his wand up the troll’s nose. However, the troll grabs Harry and starts swinging its club]
Harry: Do something!
Ron: What?!
Harry: Anything!
Hermione: The swish and flick!
Ron: Wingardium leviosa!
[Ron’s spell causes the troll’s club to levitate. It comes crashing down on the troll’s head.]
Hermione: Is it dead?
Harry: Naw, these trolls never die. They just get better at not getting caught. [Takes wand out of the troll’s nose]
Troll: Ow! *Cries tears of blood*
[Just then, Professor McGonagall comes on the scene.]
McGonagall: There you three are! What happened here?!
Hermione: I shall transparently lie and say that I went off to look for the troll. I wanted to see if it was really as bad as people said. I really owe this all to my good friends Harry Potter and Ron Weasley!
McGonagall: Five points from Gryffindor! How could a proud Gryffindor such as yourself look at anything that would rename you B’loody Mart and me *shudder* McGoogle! [Turns to Harry and Ron] However, I’m impressed that the two of you managed to beat the troll, without even one instance of Vampire Potter or Diabolo, from the looks of things. I’ll award you five points each for sheer dumb luck!
Harry and Ron: Yay! *Hug*
Hermione: Um I hope I’m not interrupting anything?
Harry: Hey Hermione, wanna be our friend?! You’ll still be a neurotic loser nobody likes, but this way you stand a chance of getting all the screentime you want! And you can think for us and do our homework too!
Hermione: Sure!
EXTRA
Snape: Hey Professor Sprout, Dumbledore sure is a mean man, isn’t he? Sending our students into the path of a troll with no protection but their Prefects.
Sprout: Well, he’s certainly irresponsible.
Snape: He’s actually evil. Trust me, I know.
Sprout: Well... what’re you going to do about it? He’s practically God in this place.
Snape: That’s okay, I have a plan... to become... THE MOST POPULAR CHARACTER IN THE SERIES!! I shall bewitch the fangirls’ minds and ensnare the fangirls’ senses, I shall bottle my own fame, brew my own glory, and even put a stopper in my own death!
Sprout: ...That’s nice, Severus.
Harry: So, that three-headed dog was supposed to be guarding something?
Ron: Well yes but what?
Harry: I know! Hagrid took something out of one of the vaults when I was with him at Gringotts! I’ll bet that’s it!
Ron: Really. So do you know what that is?
Harry: ...No. But we’ll find out soon enough. As soon as we go down the trapdoor!
Ron: *Blue with shock* D-down the trapdoor?!
Harry: Hey, we’re the main characters, we have to go down there sometime!
Ron: Okay... can we at least postpone it as long as possible?
Harry: Sounds good to me!
[Hedwig flies in with Harry’s broom]
Hedwig: Special delivery!
Harry: Cool! I got a shiny, special new broom! [Opens package] Wow, it’s a Nimbus 2000!
Ron: Wow, that’s something else! Those are the fastest models out!
Harry: Hooray! I get the fastest broom around! Now I shall win all my Quidditch games with no real effort on my part!
Draco: Until they update the model and I get one! [Sticks out tongue]
Harry: Who’d give you a new broom? You aren’t the main character, you’re just a rich loser nobody who is anybody likes!
Draco: [Snivels] My father can pay for it!
Harry: It still won’t be as good as random adults buying new brooms for me!
Professor Flitwick: Harry, Draco, stop arguing! Harry is the best, all the way, and deserves a new broom more than Draco!
Draco: WAAAAAAAH! My professor who isn’t even a Gryffindor sucks up to Harry Potter and hates me! [Runs away crying]
[Later, Harry meets Oliver Wood on the Quidditch field]
Wood: So, Quidditch is easy enough to understand, if not quite so easy to play. This is mainly owing to the fact that it makes no sense anyway!
[Wood opens the crate of balls]
Wood: Now, feast your eyes on my massive balls!
Harry: Wow, there’s so many of them! How ever will I keep them straight?!
Wood: This red ball is the Quaffle. Chasers throw this around. You aren’t a Chaser, but just so you’re aware. They throw them through those three hoops. [Points to goal hoops] The Keeper, that’s me, defends the hoops. Until I, I mean he, gets knocked off of his broom by those dastardly Slytherins.
Harry: Wow, that’s like those completely inferior Muggle games, except in the sky.
Wood: Anyway, those two big black balls are Bludgers. I can release one right now but you’ll need to take this [Hands Harry a club]
Harry: What do I do with...?
[Wood releases a Bludger, which ricochets towards Harry’s nose.]
Harry: AAAAAAH! [Whacks Bludger to Wood, who wrestles it back into its case].
Wood: They basically fly around trying to knock players off their brooms. The Beaters, in this case Fred and George the homo Weasley twins, are supposed to knock the Bludgers away from their team and toward the other team....
Harry: LOLWHUT!
Wood: Yeah, pretty much.
Harry: But wouldn’t that kill people?! Or at least seriously injure them?!
Wood: Please, we’re wizards! We can heal any nonfatal injuries in a flash!
Harry: But why?!
Wood: Because we can!
Harry: Have the Bludgers ever killed anyone?!
Wood: *Shifty eyes* Ah, no! *Tries to look innocent*
Harry: But why would you want to hit someone else with a flying metal ball?!
Wood: *Crossveins* That’s what everyone does here, okay, don’t blame me I just work here! *Huge smile* So, I’ll bet you’re wondering what a cute little Seeker such as yourself would be doing!
Harry: Er....
Wood: So, you fly around chasing this ball, the Golden Snitch [Displays Golden Snitch]
Harry: Wow, it’s shiny!
Wood: So, you don’t actually have to worry about the Quaffle or the Bludgers or anything. All you have to do is catch the shiny ball and we win!
Harry: So... I’m the most important player on the team and all I have to do is catch a shiny thing? What’s the point of having the other players, then?
Wood: *Facefaults and grows huge with fangs* NEVERMIND THAT JUST DO AS I TELL YOU!!
Harry: *Trembling* I... okay.... I get to be the most important player on the team without having to learn how to do anything else on the team?
Wood: Basically, yes.
Harry: Wow, the whole world really does revolve around me!
Wood: How about the fact that you’ll be the youngest Seeker in the century?
Harry: Wow, I’m God!
Wood: That’s the spirit!
[It’s Halloween, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione are taking Charms lessons.]
Flitwick: ...So, remember, “Swish and flick.” And say, Wingardium leviosa as you do so.
Ron: [Makes a few feeble attempts]
Hermione: Pish, tosh! You’re doing it wrong! Watch the master, now! Wingardium leviosa....
[Hermione’s feather takes off]
Ron: *Crossveins* [Through teeth] I hate you so much....
Seamus: [Cheerful] Wingardium leviosa....
[Seamus’s feather explodes]
Seamus: *Cries*
Harry: ...I think we’re going to need another feather, Professor....
[Later that day...]
Ron: Allow me to talk about how annoying Hermione is while she’s within earshot. Oh, Hermione, the most annoying neurotic nerd who is better than me at everything....
Hermione: *Runs away from Harry and Ron crying*
Harry: Dude, not cool.
[That night, the students and staff are enjoying a Halloween feast]
Professor Quirrell: [Barges in] There’s a troll in the dungeon!
Hogwarts students: Oh, no! We’ll all be taken over by sexy goffick vampires!
Dumbledore: Alright, then, all students go back to their dormitories with your Prefects while the teachers and I talk about how best to handle this
Snape: But sir, the Slytherin and Hufflepuff dormitories are in the dungeons!
Dumbledore: You must have mistaken me for someone who cares about Slytherins and Hufflepuffs.
Snape: *Gnashes teeth*
Harry: So, Ron, how do you think a troll could get in here?
Ron: Not on its own. Trolls are very stupid. They think it’s funny to have us wear tons of makeup and listen to American Muggle bands.
Harry: Ron, Hermione’s not here! She doesn’t know about the troll! We have to save her!
Ron: This sounds dangerous. As a Weasley Gryffindor I follow you to the end of the earth!
[Harry and Ron run to the girl’s bathroom, where, conveniently, Hermione has decided to go cry]
Troll: They see me trollin’....
Hermione: For the last time, my name is not B’loody Mart!
Harry: Hermione! We’re here to save you! Ron, get Hermione quick!
Ron: Why me?!
Harry: You two are going to be married someday, just do it!
[Harry jumps on the troll and sticks his wand up the troll’s nose. However, the troll grabs Harry and starts swinging its club]
Harry: Do something!
Ron: What?!
Harry: Anything!
Hermione: The swish and flick!
Ron: Wingardium leviosa!
[Ron’s spell causes the troll’s club to levitate. It comes crashing down on the troll’s head.]
Hermione: Is it dead?
Harry: Naw, these trolls never die. They just get better at not getting caught. [Takes wand out of the troll’s nose]
Troll: Ow! *Cries tears of blood*
[Just then, Professor McGonagall comes on the scene.]
McGonagall: There you three are! What happened here?!
Hermione: I shall transparently lie and say that I went off to look for the troll. I wanted to see if it was really as bad as people said. I really owe this all to my good friends Harry Potter and Ron Weasley!
McGonagall: Five points from Gryffindor! How could a proud Gryffindor such as yourself look at anything that would rename you B’loody Mart and me *shudder* McGoogle! [Turns to Harry and Ron] However, I’m impressed that the two of you managed to beat the troll, without even one instance of Vampire Potter or Diabolo, from the looks of things. I’ll award you five points each for sheer dumb luck!
Harry and Ron: Yay! *Hug*
Hermione: Um I hope I’m not interrupting anything?
Harry: Hey Hermione, wanna be our friend?! You’ll still be a neurotic loser nobody likes, but this way you stand a chance of getting all the screentime you want! And you can think for us and do our homework too!
Hermione: Sure!
EXTRA
Snape: Hey Professor Sprout, Dumbledore sure is a mean man, isn’t he? Sending our students into the path of a troll with no protection but their Prefects.
Sprout: Well, he’s certainly irresponsible.
Snape: He’s actually evil. Trust me, I know.
Sprout: Well... what’re you going to do about it? He’s practically God in this place.
Snape: That’s okay, I have a plan... to become... THE MOST POPULAR CHARACTER IN THE SERIES!! I shall bewitch the fangirls’ minds and ensnare the fangirls’ senses, I shall bottle my own fame, brew my own glory, and even put a stopper in my own death!
Sprout: ...That’s nice, Severus.