Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 6!
[Harry and the Dursleys go to King’s Cross so Harry can catch the Hogwarts express]
Petunia: This is the last time I’ll see you for awhile, because I must go and book Dudley for surgery to remove his tail. I won’t miss you. Good-bye! [Storms off]
Harry: Oh… okay then.
[Harry wanders around the train station, to Platforms 9 and 10.]
Harry: But there is no Platform 9 ¾ here. Now what should I do?
[Just then, the Weasleys show up! F34R!!1]
Mrs. Weasley: Come on, kids! Just ignore the stupid Muggles!
Harry: That woman said Muggle! She must be a wizard! [Follows Mrs. Weasley]
Mrs. Weasley: Hi!
Harry: Hi.
Mrs. Weasley: I’m Mrs. Weasley. This is my family [Indicates Percy, Fred, George, Ron, and Ginny.]
Percy: I’m the oldest brother still at school. But I don’t like it there. Everyone thinks I’m arrogant and officious all the time. [Runs through barrier crying.]
Fred: Hi, I’m Fred! I’m a twin, who starts off as a lovable prankster but just ends up being kind of dumb, and an asshole!
George: And I’m Fred’s twin brother! Same goes for me! Don’t worry about telling us apart because that’ll be impossible until the last book!
Ron: And I’m Ron. I’m new this year. I have no friends, and my Mummy hates me. *cries*
Ginny: And I’m Ginny! I’m the youngest. I’ll be attending Hogwarts next year. Can I marry you? I’ll turn myself into a jerkass Mary Sue for you!
Harry: *Creeped out* So… how do I get to Platform 9 ¾?
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, it’s easy, you just run into the wall between Platforms 9 and 10!
Harry: LOLWHUT?
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, pish tosh! Ron, why don’t you demonstrate?
Ron: Of course, Mummy. [Runs at wall and disappears to Platform 9 3/4.]
Mrs. Weasley: Next you, Fred.
Fred: But I’m not Fred.
Mrs. Weasley: Sorry, George.
Fred: Only joking, I am Fred! [Runs through barrier, followed by George.]
Harry: Here goes nothing…. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! [Runs through barrier.] WOW, that is SO COOL!
[Harry gets onto the train and takes a seat next to Ron.]
Ron: So, I didn’t catch your name.
Harry: I’m Harry Potter!
Ron: LYKE, ZOMG NO WAI!!
Harry: Ah… yeah. I’ve got the scar and everything.
Ron: Cool! [Aside] Now I realize that being nice to him is the way to go if I want to be an important character.
[The Hogwarts Express pulls out of the station, heading for Hogwarts school.]
Trolley Lady: Anything off the trolley, dears?
Ron: Naw, I’ll just eat my bad sandwiches, thanks….
Harry: Oh, yeah!! Give me some of everything! Gimme candy! I want candy!! [Pays]
[Harry and Ron settle down to eat their candy.]
Harry: Oh, what’s this? Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans?
Ron: They mean every flavor. My brothers dared me to eat a bogie-flavored bean once. It was awful.
Harry: Wow, this is so cool! It’s not as though Muggles could possibly reproduce this with their advanced flavor technology!
Ron: What?
Harry: Oh, never mind. What’s this?! *picks up a chocolate frog* Are these real frogs?
Ron: No, not really. They just sometimes jump out of windows.
Harry: Cool!
[Harry opens the frog, which jumps out the window.]
Harry: *cries*
Ron: You know, chocolate frogs contain cards of famous witches or wizards.
Harry: Wow, awesome! *takes card* Hey, look, it’s Dumblydore!
Ron: Yeah, he’s the Hogwarts headmaster. He’s pretty awesome. *starry eyed* So, anyway, you want to meet my Pet Rat of Epic Plot Importantness, Scabbers?
Harry: …Sure.
Ron: *takes out Scabbers* Guaranteed cute, fluffy, smart, and a diabolical mastermind.
[Next, Hermione shows up.]
Hermione: Hi, you two! It’s me, Hermione the plot device! I’m a neurotic weirdo whom nobody likes!
Harry: Pleasure. I’m Harry Potter.
Hermione: Cool! [Turns to Ron] Who are you?
Ron: I’m Ron Weasley. We’re going to be married!
Hermione: Like, eew! Who’d want to marry you?!
Ron: *crossveins appear on head* Well, that’s not very nice!
Harry: *sweatdrops*
Ron: I can turn my pet animagus rat yellow! Wanna see?!
Harry and Hermione *Sweatdrop*
Ron: Sunshine daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid fat rat yellow!
Hermione: *laughs. That’s so not a real spell!
Ron: *crossveins again*
Hermione: Wanna see a real spell? Arculus reparo! *fixes Harry’s glasses*
Harry: Wow, you are so awesome! Will you be my slave?!
Hermione: Well, you are Harry Potter, so… we’ll see. I should get going.
[Enter Neville.]
Neville: Hi! I’m the character who manages to get squeezed out of every scene despite being smarter and more capable than the heroes! Have you seen my toad?!
Harry: Nope, sorry.
Neville: Thanks! [Exits]
[Enter Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle.]
Draco: Hi, Harry! These are my friends Crabbe and Goyle. Anyway, why don’t you hang out with me sometime? I’m infinitely superior to Ron and his Weasley family!
Ron: *crossveins* Why you…!
Harry: No, I don’t like you, you remind me of school bullies and snobs and sissies. Go away.
Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle: *sweatdrop and go blue with shock*
Draco: Fine, consider me… *eyes flash* your worst enemy…! MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA!
[Eventually, the train arrives at Hogwarts. The first-year students are led by Hagrid to the boats, where they cross the lake to the Great Hall.]