i really dont know what to say anymore about anything. i dont know what to say to make u change ur mind about college... i know that if u do i will feel bad cause i know it would be because of me and if u dont i will feel like shit cause it would make me think that u dont love me anymore. i just have a feeling that u will forget about me or something will go wrong and we will end up apart! i have figured it out.... i think i can "tolerate" you staying down in N.C. for college if u promise to come up and see me. and that doesnt meen that i wont come and see u either... i will... but we need to have it like every 3 weeks or something... we could take a day off of school and then spend the weekend together or something like that. that would meen alot to me. seriously. but thats the only way that i know that we wont forget about eachother... and i know ur thinkin "i wont forget about u, baby" but thats not good enough for me just to hear. i need proof.... i need something to make me believe that it will happen. now summer vacation is something completely different. im thinkin i can come down for a week and maybe u can come up here for a week (other than prom). i know it seems like im asking alot, but if u think about it im not.... i love you and im trying to make u happy by accepting the fact that u want to go to college at UNC-chapple hill and not be up here with me, but that doesnt meen that u have to leave me out of ur life. now heres the thing.... i have a really big trust issue and this will be a test for me... to see if i trust u. i will talk to u when i get home. im working again tonight... i cried myself to sleep last night and i only got like 15 min of sleep.... i fell asleep in math class and i waok up crying with Amorie asking me what was wrong.... i didnt want to tell her cause i knew she would look at me like i was nuts. but the truth is i really care about u... about us.... about our relationship and i dont want it to go by the wayside. i love you baby, and dont ever forget that no matter what. write back Shana A.
baby, i promise to you that i'd come and see u when i'm in school. and, ur idea of doin that, seein each other every couple of weeks, i'd have to say it's pretty damn good. and, summer vacation..sure, i'd come up there for a week...and i really hope u'd come down here for a week. seriously, baby...u think it sounds like ur askin alot? well, i don't think u are...i realize that ur tryin to make me happy by accepting the fact that i wanna go to UNC...and, at the same time, i really wanna be up there w/ u too...but, trust me, baby...everything's gonna be just fine...i don't know how, i just have a feeling that it will. the simple truth is, baby...i love u, i really care about u, about us...and i don't wanna lose this relationship either. i seriously love u w/ all my heart, baby...and don't u ever forget that, no matter what happens. and, i'm really really sorry i hurt u by telling u that i wanted to go to UNC...but, i swear to u, i'm gonna try my hardest to make this work...to have more than one good thing....see if my luck changes...i have a feeling that it will...it's all gonna be alright..it'll work out, baby..trust me, i know it will.... love always and forever josh xoxoxo
yeah, i know it's goin to work out, cuz i'll call u, write u, come and see u all the time, baby....i promise. i really, really don't wanna lose u...so i'm gonna try hard as i can to keep u. i love u, seriously....i can't live w/o u, shana.
well i feel right now that i am drifting away from u. so we will see where we are relationship wise over vacation... if u come up to see me then i doubt that we will have any problems over the vacation. but we will see what happens. like for me being able to see the person im dating is a huge thing for me and i have been patiently waiting.... but now im just like "whatever"... i meen if we break up then we break up... it would bother me, yes, but its not like i would spend that much time on worrying about it. maybe a few weeks/months... depending on how much i medicate myself. right now im at the point where im pissed and im gonna stay pissed cause i feel that u are choosing a college over me. i dont like to be put 2nd and i wouldnt put u 2nd.... u always come 1st for me. infact... i was thinkin of applying there but i wouldnt be able to make the grades for it. and then the thought came to me that i could move down there and im considering that.... but then u still wouldnt have time for me. i meen where would i stay? in ur dorm? i highly doubt that u want me there. and i doubt that they would allow me to be there... listen i love you but i dont see a way that this could work out. so basically im leaving it up to u. when i say this i meen that if u want to talk to me on the phone then u are gonna have to call me... not wait around for me to call, cause its not gonna happen. as i said, i love you, but i feel im the person thats basically holding us together. a relationship is saposed to be between 2 ppl... and it seems to me that since u never call and i have to remind u to write me all the time... even on here... then u dont want to be part of this relationship or my life. im through with holding us together so now its up to u. u want to talk to me then u call, if not then i guess u wont be talking to me cause im not going to call u. i will write back when i get a letter and i am not going to remind u to write me on line.... i made a mistake by doing that in the 1st place cause it seems like im pushing u. now i know its harsh but it seems like all these years, through all my relationships, my dad was right... i try too hard i love you shana a
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Shana A.
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love always and forever
josh
xoxoxo
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i love you
shana a
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