Thinking.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the mistakes and regrets I have of the past. I regret few things, really, because they make me who I am. But still there are a few things, as anyone can contest.
I regret not going to college. I'm sure if I had applied to more, I would have gotten in ...somewhere. I regret not trying in highschool, even though, with the exception of math, I know I could have done better. I regret not taking more of highschool in and building more bridges with people.
I regret burning bridges with people. Forgetting people and forcing others to forget me. People in general scare me a lot. It's something that I hide rather well. I'm outgoing and friendly on purpose to if nothing else, fake a strength that I don't have.
I regret not seeing Stacy anymore even though she's so near. I regret shutting Jade out even though we were so close.
These things I find it completely valid to regret if for no other reason than I don't like the part of me they created. If I had tried harder, I could have gone to a college and been that much closer to starting my life.
Stacy and I grew appart because of me. I am honestly to blame for that. Because I moved and moved so far away and hung out with people that a lot of which didnt really suit me or my tastes in people because I had no one else to hang out with. And that changed me. a lot. I'm not saying I didn't want to grow as a person, I'm just saying I wish I still had the part of me that she liked so much left but I'm not so sure if I do. I miss having someone like her.
I miss Jade in a similar respect. She made me feel bad sometimes but it was such a poor decision on my part to shut her out. I sent her a message the other day for the first time in I don't know how long because I couldn't find the nerve. I can be so pathetic. I don't expect her to reply or even if she does, I certainly don't expect forgivness for shutting her out. But regardless, she didn't deserve it and I imagine I will deserve whatever she may or may not say.
I started thinking about all these things lately becuase I've really been concerned about my future lately. I really want to go somewhere in my life and find my real place in the world. As far as stacy and Jade are concerned, I miss them and I want them to share in my future more than anyone besides my boyfriend. I want them at my wedding. I want them to love my children.
ok, I'm starting to sound cliche but I speak in sincerity. I miss my friends. I miss the two people in my life that were strong enough to get close enough to me and either drifted from or pushed away.
I feel so pathetic right now.
I regret not going to college. I'm sure if I had applied to more, I would have gotten in ...somewhere. I regret not trying in highschool, even though, with the exception of math, I know I could have done better. I regret not taking more of highschool in and building more bridges with people.
I regret burning bridges with people. Forgetting people and forcing others to forget me. People in general scare me a lot. It's something that I hide rather well. I'm outgoing and friendly on purpose to if nothing else, fake a strength that I don't have.
I regret not seeing Stacy anymore even though she's so near. I regret shutting Jade out even though we were so close.
These things I find it completely valid to regret if for no other reason than I don't like the part of me they created. If I had tried harder, I could have gone to a college and been that much closer to starting my life.
Stacy and I grew appart because of me. I am honestly to blame for that. Because I moved and moved so far away and hung out with people that a lot of which didnt really suit me or my tastes in people because I had no one else to hang out with. And that changed me. a lot. I'm not saying I didn't want to grow as a person, I'm just saying I wish I still had the part of me that she liked so much left but I'm not so sure if I do. I miss having someone like her.
I miss Jade in a similar respect. She made me feel bad sometimes but it was such a poor decision on my part to shut her out. I sent her a message the other day for the first time in I don't know how long because I couldn't find the nerve. I can be so pathetic. I don't expect her to reply or even if she does, I certainly don't expect forgivness for shutting her out. But regardless, she didn't deserve it and I imagine I will deserve whatever she may or may not say.
I started thinking about all these things lately becuase I've really been concerned about my future lately. I really want to go somewhere in my life and find my real place in the world. As far as stacy and Jade are concerned, I miss them and I want them to share in my future more than anyone besides my boyfriend. I want them at my wedding. I want them to love my children.
ok, I'm starting to sound cliche but I speak in sincerity. I miss my friends. I miss the two people in my life that were strong enough to get close enough to me and either drifted from or pushed away.
I feel so pathetic right now.