(no subject)
i want to be okay and healthy and happy being healthy.
i remember middle school and i remember that really sad girl, sitting in her desk, and torturing herself over the cookies the teacher had passed around the class, staring it down while holding her arms around her waist to stifle the groaning of her stomach. being so hungry and cold every day, and praying her mother won't make her eat supper and thinking whether or not she can stomach whatever she's deemed acceptable for the day, and wanting to eat so much more it hurt.
it used to consume me. i am so much better now. but i slip backwards, and it's so hard to get back up. i sometimes cringe when nicolas is looking at my body, because i feel so uncomfortable under his stare. i hate to second guess a compliment, and sometimes i feel so guilty about a meal i have to force myself not to get up because i know i might purge if i do. i'm trying so hard and it's so difficult. i know i won't let myself get to that point any more, but i still struggle every day. sometimes it's better; just a tiny fleeting thought and then it's gone. but sometimes it doesn't go away.
i wish i knew how to make it go away, but it doesn't work like that. and it's complicated and sometimes i still feel like it's fake, and i worry people think the same. i try not to mention it very often to people who know, so they won't become tired of it, of me. my eating disorder is not who i am, but it's still a part of me. i wish it's weren't.