who sucked out the feeling
what it feels like to be a ghost
So i guess it's just sorta predictable at this point, but yeah, I'm posting to LiveJournal in order to mourn and grieve another loss.
Surprise.
Not to insinuate that someone died, cause that's not true. But someone definitely became a ghost. Or maybe both of us.
Time will tell (because it never stops to think).
It's just weird cause every other relationship I've had to mourn, were kinda like a relief in a way. I was already nihilistic about them. Like, I knew it wasn't working and I accepted that, so the down period was relatively brief, ya know? Like it was more ego death than actual suffering. But this one? Fuuuuuuuuuuuu
Everything was GOLDEN and she got scared.
And that's fair, ya know? I get that, and her choice is her's to make. But her fight or flight response left her to abandon me completely and totally. It has almost been two months and no words have been spoken, let alone texts. It's like i no longer exist.
I've sent her the occasional text every couple of weeks just to say hi and that i hope she's doing well. Nothing romantic or dramatic. Just a simple missive. I am sadly respectful of her wishes, and unable to make any sort of gesture that 19-year-old me would have felt necessary.
Just radio silence. A cold war of hearts.
Presumably she's right up the road. I just have to hope she's okay. Cause she ain't saying. I can only pray she's listening. I have my doubts, but it's difficult not to dream.
The day before she decided to become a ghost, she was showing me pictures of what kind of cut she'd want on her wedding ring.
And then she evaporated and left a vacuum with my heart in her possession.
It's not like i can't get it back. It was given. I don't want it back.
I don't know what i want that isn't just her.
I'm mourning what could have been for a change, instead of feeling sad over time that got wasted. It's a new experience of grief. If you would have described this feeling to my younger self? He'd probably think it's bittersweet and romantic.
It's not. There's no sweetness. It's not bitter, either. It's an absence of sweetness.
There's nothing there at all.