As the autumn leaves fall...
I find myself sitting here looking out the window on a chilly fall day in October. Rain is trickling down the face of the windows giving me a muddled look into the world outside of me. Across the room from me sits one of my best friends. It's funny her and I, we are so much a like that we can read each other without saying a word. As much as I appreciate and thank those who try to help me. It seems like she is the only one that can get into my head and make some sort of sanity out of the things jumbling around in there. I thank God every single day for my friends. The last couple nights I have been sitting here, thinking to myself in ways that are starting to finally make a little sense to me, that I might finally have a little purpose and direction to go by. A couple months ago I stumbled again, lost my purpose and have been stumbling blindly ever since. Finally, thank god that direction is starting to come back to me. What I have realized though is that I need help. God it breaks my heart to say those words but it's true. There has been so much that has happened to me over the last two decades that to tell the tales would take a month of full moons. Some things people know about, most things people don't. I need to find some closure if not even vengance. I need to move on with my life so that someday, I can be truly happy, utterly and completely happy, to find my peace that I have been wanting for so long. Right now I have to try and look at the good things in life. I am working a lot and getting caught up on my bills. I have a feeling though that that one resolution for this year will fall short. but out of the few I made, I am doing well with them. Last night I posted a line, a single sentence that I have tried to live by for the last few years. Sometimes its harder to follow but I can still try to manage. "You best be gettin to the gone, 'fore the Gone is already gotten." I've already had a couple people ask me what that is supposed to mean so here I will do my best to explain. Don't live your life saying what if. Do what you need to do, do what you need to say, feel what you need to feel because you only have so many chances before it's gone and once it is gone, it is really gone. "Get to the Gone 'fore the gone is already gotten." Life will not stop for you, under any circumstance or situation, life and the world will go on whether you want it to stop or not. For a few weeks I felt lost, like the fight was drained from the deepest parts of me. The last 3 nights I have been feeling that fight getting rekindled inside of me. So here is what I have to say. Hold the fuck on.