Another Day..Another Chapter
But as the story continues it is time for the chapters to start to take a turn. A few days ago I returned from an extended leave. At the time this leave was not planned but now that it is done with I realize how of a necessity it was. Upon my return I was greeted by many friends and it was warming to see you all again. You all have had a lot of questions for me, especially about where I have been, whats been going on and how I have been. Well, now I'm going to try and answer those questions. I'm doing good...better than I have been doing for a long long time. A few months ago I hit rock bottom, emotionally, mentally, physically, I just broke. When I shattered it wasn't a condemning, it was an awakening...I went into a meditation..one of the most intense meditations of my life, I was in a totally different mind for 2 days and when I finally came back...I could breathe..not just a breath of air, but a breath of life..so much had been lifted off of my shoulders that it was amazing. I have made my peace with many things, some significant..others eh...but the sense of peace leaves an easy feeling that I'm still not used to. After 13 years of hate and anger..I've made my peace with God...I think after all this time we finally have an understanding. I've made peace with myself. I have realized that I am only human...bones will break, wounds will bleed, tears will be shed...but I will heal and while the remnants of old injuries will always remind me..I must use the pain as a fuel to go on. to survive. I've realized that I cannot be everywhere, do everything, in short, I can't be perfect. I will help all those I can, do everything that is within my ability, but it will be that..within my ability. I've also always wanted to be thin like most of my friends, be superman strong, be able to run like a wolf, jump like a cat, but what I've realized is...no matter what I am, I'll be alright...right now I weigh 280lbs, I want to be at 230 and its more for the health benefit than the looks. And finally...I've made my peace with a lot of my past. Over my 21 years a lot of things have happened to me, good and bad, and the experiences have come in every different form...leaving scars physically and mentally, but also leaving me with good memories as well...but what I have finally realized that is all of the things that happened to me in the past all happened for a reason. I would not be the man I am today if those things had not happened to me. I've learned a lot of lessons, most of them the hard way but they were lessons well learned. One of the things I have made my peace with is the fact that my parents deaths were not my fault...were there things that I could of done differently? Absolutely. but no matter what I would of done, my parents were going to die. I'm a firm believer that when it is your time to go, that you have no other option.
But lets move on to some other things shall we...Whats going on in my life? I'm still working at the lumber mill..I've been there 15 months now and dreading the winter thats approaching us. I'm still living in my house and I now have another roommate...she's been a friend of mine for a few years now and so far things are working out well...with her help I should be caught up on all my bills by February- March. I'm still not seeing anyone right now but there is a possibility of me and a friend of mine getting together within the next couple months, we're just kinda playing it by ear. Relationships have been on my mind a lot lately because I've been single for a while now and I really miss having someone there..and the more that I think about the past..I realize I miss Heather...there are times that I wonder if now we would work and that I would like to get back together but I honestly think we are better off just friends...the times we had together were good, and I will always treasure those memories and I hope her and I have more good times ahead..I'm lucky to have her as a friend. I'm hoping within the next year or so I can go spend some more time in Nova Scotia...I really do miss it up there...the beauty and the history was almost like a second home.
I've also got to admit...I'm starting to gain a small amount of pride in the way my temper has become...I've mellowed out so much over the last year that it is really amazing...even my old friends and my family have noticed the different...things that would of caused me to wreck another man for before, I laugh at now. I honestly don't know what has caused the difference in my temper, but I'm glad it is happening because the destructive path I was on was going to get someone killed, or even myself.
So what are my plans for the future? Well I'm trying not to look too far ahead, only a year or so. In the next year I want to have all my bills completely paid off and hopefully have the major work done to my house that needs to be done, and my car paid off as well. I want to get a good guitar and maybe a drum kit or machine and start putting some of my poetry to music. I want to do a little bit of traveling too, maybe go to New York for a few days to visit an old friend and maybe go to Nova Scotia...some place within driving distance. those are the major things I want to accomplish...everything else will have to happen as it happens...I'm still young...I've got all the time in the world to get shit done. All I know is stand by my side and I won't let you down. Closing this out I would like to use an oath that me and two of my closest friends use as a pact..it might sound somewhat familiar but its for us. "He who will shed his blood with me, and shed the tears of sorrows past with me, I shall call my brother. And it is with my brothers, my band of brothers that I shall stand beside forever through right and wrong, good and bad to do or die. Long live the days of these brothers, these brothers in blood." So...are you my brothers?
But lets move on to some other things shall we...Whats going on in my life? I'm still working at the lumber mill..I've been there 15 months now and dreading the winter thats approaching us. I'm still living in my house and I now have another roommate...she's been a friend of mine for a few years now and so far things are working out well...with her help I should be caught up on all my bills by February- March. I'm still not seeing anyone right now but there is a possibility of me and a friend of mine getting together within the next couple months, we're just kinda playing it by ear. Relationships have been on my mind a lot lately because I've been single for a while now and I really miss having someone there..and the more that I think about the past..I realize I miss Heather...there are times that I wonder if now we would work and that I would like to get back together but I honestly think we are better off just friends...the times we had together were good, and I will always treasure those memories and I hope her and I have more good times ahead..I'm lucky to have her as a friend. I'm hoping within the next year or so I can go spend some more time in Nova Scotia...I really do miss it up there...the beauty and the history was almost like a second home.
I've also got to admit...I'm starting to gain a small amount of pride in the way my temper has become...I've mellowed out so much over the last year that it is really amazing...even my old friends and my family have noticed the different...things that would of caused me to wreck another man for before, I laugh at now. I honestly don't know what has caused the difference in my temper, but I'm glad it is happening because the destructive path I was on was going to get someone killed, or even myself.
So what are my plans for the future? Well I'm trying not to look too far ahead, only a year or so. In the next year I want to have all my bills completely paid off and hopefully have the major work done to my house that needs to be done, and my car paid off as well. I want to get a good guitar and maybe a drum kit or machine and start putting some of my poetry to music. I want to do a little bit of traveling too, maybe go to New York for a few days to visit an old friend and maybe go to Nova Scotia...some place within driving distance. those are the major things I want to accomplish...everything else will have to happen as it happens...I'm still young...I've got all the time in the world to get shit done. All I know is stand by my side and I won't let you down. Closing this out I would like to use an oath that me and two of my closest friends use as a pact..it might sound somewhat familiar but its for us. "He who will shed his blood with me, and shed the tears of sorrows past with me, I shall call my brother. And it is with my brothers, my band of brothers that I shall stand beside forever through right and wrong, good and bad to do or die. Long live the days of these brothers, these brothers in blood." So...are you my brothers?