psychopharmacology
well, the Great Cleanliness Experiment of 2004 progresses better than expected. it's hard a lot and it sucks a lot and i think that it is unfair that other people can apparently control themselves and i cannot and so i have to not even "go there" anymore... but it progresses. and it progresses well, with no slip-ups, set-backs, and/or falling on/chewing on/spitting up tacks.
i suppose this should please me.
and it does.
but sometimes life feels very empty. and sometimes it feels like there is nothing to do. and all the time, i don't know how to deal with the things that i am feeling. i've effectively eliminated my tried and tested coping mechanism, and now i find myself dealing with issues that most *deep breath* "normal people" face down and develop healthy coping mechanisms for when they're younger than i am now.
hmm. maybe that's too general a statement.
anyway, to make a long story short... all this change makes me feel very lost and confused. and it hurts in a way that i am almost ashamed to admit. it seems rather pathetic.
i'm going to keep plowing through, though. i know it has to get easier than it has been. and it will probably be harder at certain points, as well. i think i'm prepared for that.
i told my mother the other day that the only thing that has kept me from running out to the bar on several occassions already was the fact that i knew that if i did that, i'd only have to start all over again from scratch. and i already know from past experience that every time something like that happens, it gets increasingly hard to walk away and stay away for any real period of time.
i have decided that i don't even need to open that particular box of apples. i already know that they're all worm-ridden.
and, aside from that, we have amazing adventures with psychopharmacology. i'm still not positive about how i feel about that, but here's a leading edge of it:
When the little things are tearing you apart...
They should have warned you this is how it starts
An answering machine that only speaks the truth,
The inclination climb upon the roof.
The endless shrink parade,
The nights that never cease,
And all you want is peace...
But all you get is pills.
And still they tell you:
"Psychopharmacology is gonna be your friend,
When you can't get out of bed and you're so tired of pretending.
Psychopharmacology is gonna save your soul,
'Cause God is great and God is good but he's also made of wood.
Believe in psychopharmacology."
In the night, you terrorize your friends...
They should have warned you that this is how it ends.
But the thing you can't accept is this is all you get.
You just want a second chance,
But all you get is pills.
And still they tell you:
"Psychopharmacology is gonna set you straight,
When you're forgetting all your lines and you can't buy your own disguises.
Psychopharmacology will break that thorny crown...
Before you take that rifle down,
Before you load another round...
Remember psychopharmacology...
(will turn your life around)
"Psychopharmacology is gonna be your friend,
When you can't get out of bed and you're so tired of pretending.
Psychopharmacology is gonna save your soul,
'Cause God is great and God is good but he's also made of wood.
Believe in psychopharmacology..."
love and razorblades,
dissonance
i suppose this should please me.
and it does.
but sometimes life feels very empty. and sometimes it feels like there is nothing to do. and all the time, i don't know how to deal with the things that i am feeling. i've effectively eliminated my tried and tested coping mechanism, and now i find myself dealing with issues that most *deep breath* "normal people" face down and develop healthy coping mechanisms for when they're younger than i am now.
hmm. maybe that's too general a statement.
anyway, to make a long story short... all this change makes me feel very lost and confused. and it hurts in a way that i am almost ashamed to admit. it seems rather pathetic.
i'm going to keep plowing through, though. i know it has to get easier than it has been. and it will probably be harder at certain points, as well. i think i'm prepared for that.
i told my mother the other day that the only thing that has kept me from running out to the bar on several occassions already was the fact that i knew that if i did that, i'd only have to start all over again from scratch. and i already know from past experience that every time something like that happens, it gets increasingly hard to walk away and stay away for any real period of time.
i have decided that i don't even need to open that particular box of apples. i already know that they're all worm-ridden.
and, aside from that, we have amazing adventures with psychopharmacology. i'm still not positive about how i feel about that, but here's a leading edge of it:
When the little things are tearing you apart...
They should have warned you this is how it starts
An answering machine that only speaks the truth,
The inclination climb upon the roof.
The endless shrink parade,
The nights that never cease,
And all you want is peace...
But all you get is pills.
And still they tell you:
"Psychopharmacology is gonna be your friend,
When you can't get out of bed and you're so tired of pretending.
Psychopharmacology is gonna save your soul,
'Cause God is great and God is good but he's also made of wood.
Believe in psychopharmacology."
In the night, you terrorize your friends...
They should have warned you that this is how it ends.
But the thing you can't accept is this is all you get.
You just want a second chance,
But all you get is pills.
And still they tell you:
"Psychopharmacology is gonna set you straight,
When you're forgetting all your lines and you can't buy your own disguises.
Psychopharmacology will break that thorny crown...
Before you take that rifle down,
Before you load another round...
Remember psychopharmacology...
(will turn your life around)
"Psychopharmacology is gonna be your friend,
When you can't get out of bed and you're so tired of pretending.
Psychopharmacology is gonna save your soul,
'Cause God is great and God is good but he's also made of wood.
Believe in psychopharmacology..."
love and razorblades,
dissonance