(no subject)
Ugh. I wrote for about an hour about personal issues and what's been really really bugging me lately..and I went to erase a word and the cursor disappeared and when I went to hit the backspace button it backed me out of the page. This really helps me want to hate myself so much more. It had good strong language and prose and everything...now it's all gone. Now I will write the shitty second hand rushed edition.
There is such a dichotomy within me it drives me crazy.
On one hand my paranoia is driving me insane. My anxiety has taken control of my thoughts and the paranoid factor has increased lately. So many situations are possible dangers. And the happenings of this world are making it worse. Every person with baggy clothes and a shady demeanor, sulking around is a threat. I move away before they can pull out a gun and shoot everyone up, or rob the place I'm at. Even though they never do. Things of this nature. Let me state though..it's normally not this bad...and it's a step above healthy paranoid behavior in today's dangerous world. I just hate feeling that way. I know it's wrong...my heart and almost every fiber of my being are saying "no!" but that-which-is-wrong in my mind is slowly winning this battle.
But what's worse is the paranoia toward myself. I have become such a hypochondriac. There are totally worse ones out there than me - but at the level I'm at to myself...it irks me. The problem is, real life health concerns that are occurring within me right now have made it worse. About a month ago, what was at once a very small, almost not there, pain in my upper right abdomen has blossomed into a pain that's now on the forefront. It affects the way I move, breathe, eat and sit. While it's not HORRIBLE and ER worthy...it's prevalent. Last year when attending the doctors for something else, they gave me a blood test. They told me I had a high liver count. So I cut down my drinking to 1 to 2 times a month...and (recently) lost 25+ pounds depending on the day (20 to 30 to go). Liver? Could be. Gallbladder? Possibly. My dad's family has major gallbladder issues. 3 of my aunts and uncles have had theirs removed. My grandmother died of gallbladder cancer. I also have GERD (chronic acid reflux). I have been off my medication for over a year due to losing my job and thus, my insurance. And I didn't move on it fast enough when I had the chance to get it again. Is this the result of being a poor, lazy person? Maybe. I am undergoing tests
But those tests will have to wait a bit because I'm going on vacation next week. yay. But the paranoia has kicked in so bad in regards to the flight. Every time I fly, airplane crashes take the front pages of the news. I kid you not, over 10 crashes/human errors have occurred in the last 3 weeks. Are you serious? I don't even go LOOKING for this stuff...I read MSN online every day..and it's right there on the front page. I have envisioned my death so many ways. What if a terrorist takes over? What if there's a fire? Electronics failure? A bad storm? Landing problems? It's destroyed my walls so much that I am THISCLOSE to writing a letter to my parents and hiding it under my pillow if anything should happen to me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!??!?!?!?! ACK UGH!
The dichotomy comes in full circle though with my....I don't know...disappointment in people. Mostly everyone in this world is potential and probable asshole. Everyone agrees and says so, but little do they know, most of THEM are the assholes. I am probably to someone too. The things that people say..with little regard to what they're saying. I'm not talking about honest mistakes..I'm talking about people TRYING to hurt others. And what's funny is they always deny it. People tell me to let it roll off my back..but I tell you...it sticks. Imagine something really tough to maneuver is attempting to roll off a slightly sloped surface. After awhile of a constant barrage, it doesn't roll anymore and builds up. My proverbial back is weakened. Little things get to me.
Seriously...this world is so narcissistic it's sickening. Me me me. It goes from everything to real life things to things as small as facebook. I know plenty of people who bitch and moan from back in the time of myspace...where they would actually whine about no one responding to them and ignoring them in their pictures, or expressions or posts or walls or anything. Everyone knows how that feels..it can suck. Why post, why have pictures so no one would respond? OF course you want someone to respond or you wouldn't put stuff there. So I respond to them in things. Sometimes in the future, sometimes on that post or whatever..and 90% of the time...I am ignored. They will respond to everyone else on whatever it is...answer them..and leave me alone. Ignore me totally. And then when I write something myself? 90% of my "Friends" ignore me. Sometimes 100% do. I get that people are busy, others don't know what to say, how to say it, or just don't care about what I'm saying...but these people who bitch and moan about everyone ignoring them....really? You won't return the favor? Fuck you. Too petty?
When I'm visiting/hanging out/what-have-you (rarely) with a "good" friend of mine, all I hear about is them complaining and "KNOWING!" a certain person at the time is ignoring their texts/responses/direct confrontations, etc. I can't believe this friend has the gall to actually say something like that. Especially in front of me. Especially because 9/10 of my texts/calls/direct responses to this friend come up ignored. 9/10 times we're supposed to hang out, the person cancels for one reason or another. 9/10 times they go months at a time not even talking to me. Really? You have the balls to bitch about that in front of me? Some would argue...they are not a good friend...maybe it's a sign they don't want to BE your friend...but yet it's always THEM who comes back to me. Who always says they miss me and wants to do something. Who always says let's not let things go missing for so long again. I'm at the point where I just don't care.
People are so rude. They say whatever and however it comes to their mind. Everything is a poisoned dagger at this point. I have such a desire to become a complete recluse. As it is with my lack of hours in my job to the point I'm basically not working....as it is with all my GOOD friends moved away an the ones here are no longer real good "friends"....I am home 80% of the time. I am recluse enough. But the things people say daily and their actions toward me..make me desire to become one completely...and to myself become one. While not suicidal, thoughts of not wanting to care/live (the usual crap) enter my head all the time...which brings full circle to the opening line (after the whole repost thing)
....there is such a dichotomy in me.
How can I be so worried and paranoid of myself and feel things are such a danger to me when all I want to do is disappear and crawl into fetal position? I need meds so, so bad.
There is such a dichotomy within me it drives me crazy.
On one hand my paranoia is driving me insane. My anxiety has taken control of my thoughts and the paranoid factor has increased lately. So many situations are possible dangers. And the happenings of this world are making it worse. Every person with baggy clothes and a shady demeanor, sulking around is a threat. I move away before they can pull out a gun and shoot everyone up, or rob the place I'm at. Even though they never do. Things of this nature. Let me state though..it's normally not this bad...and it's a step above healthy paranoid behavior in today's dangerous world. I just hate feeling that way. I know it's wrong...my heart and almost every fiber of my being are saying "no!" but that-which-is-wrong in my mind is slowly winning this battle.
But what's worse is the paranoia toward myself. I have become such a hypochondriac. There are totally worse ones out there than me - but at the level I'm at to myself...it irks me. The problem is, real life health concerns that are occurring within me right now have made it worse. About a month ago, what was at once a very small, almost not there, pain in my upper right abdomen has blossomed into a pain that's now on the forefront. It affects the way I move, breathe, eat and sit. While it's not HORRIBLE and ER worthy...it's prevalent. Last year when attending the doctors for something else, they gave me a blood test. They told me I had a high liver count. So I cut down my drinking to 1 to 2 times a month...and (recently) lost 25+ pounds depending on the day (20 to 30 to go). Liver? Could be. Gallbladder? Possibly. My dad's family has major gallbladder issues. 3 of my aunts and uncles have had theirs removed. My grandmother died of gallbladder cancer. I also have GERD (chronic acid reflux). I have been off my medication for over a year due to losing my job and thus, my insurance. And I didn't move on it fast enough when I had the chance to get it again. Is this the result of being a poor, lazy person? Maybe. I am undergoing tests
But those tests will have to wait a bit because I'm going on vacation next week. yay. But the paranoia has kicked in so bad in regards to the flight. Every time I fly, airplane crashes take the front pages of the news. I kid you not, over 10 crashes/human errors have occurred in the last 3 weeks. Are you serious? I don't even go LOOKING for this stuff...I read MSN online every day..and it's right there on the front page. I have envisioned my death so many ways. What if a terrorist takes over? What if there's a fire? Electronics failure? A bad storm? Landing problems? It's destroyed my walls so much that I am THISCLOSE to writing a letter to my parents and hiding it under my pillow if anything should happen to me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!??!?!?!?! ACK UGH!
The dichotomy comes in full circle though with my....I don't know...disappointment in people. Mostly everyone in this world is potential and probable asshole. Everyone agrees and says so, but little do they know, most of THEM are the assholes. I am probably to someone too. The things that people say..with little regard to what they're saying. I'm not talking about honest mistakes..I'm talking about people TRYING to hurt others. And what's funny is they always deny it. People tell me to let it roll off my back..but I tell you...it sticks. Imagine something really tough to maneuver is attempting to roll off a slightly sloped surface. After awhile of a constant barrage, it doesn't roll anymore and builds up. My proverbial back is weakened. Little things get to me.
Seriously...this world is so narcissistic it's sickening. Me me me. It goes from everything to real life things to things as small as facebook. I know plenty of people who bitch and moan from back in the time of myspace...where they would actually whine about no one responding to them and ignoring them in their pictures, or expressions or posts or walls or anything. Everyone knows how that feels..it can suck. Why post, why have pictures so no one would respond? OF course you want someone to respond or you wouldn't put stuff there. So I respond to them in things. Sometimes in the future, sometimes on that post or whatever..and 90% of the time...I am ignored. They will respond to everyone else on whatever it is...answer them..and leave me alone. Ignore me totally. And then when I write something myself? 90% of my "Friends" ignore me. Sometimes 100% do. I get that people are busy, others don't know what to say, how to say it, or just don't care about what I'm saying...but these people who bitch and moan about everyone ignoring them....really? You won't return the favor? Fuck you. Too petty?
When I'm visiting/hanging out/what-have-you (rarely) with a "good" friend of mine, all I hear about is them complaining and "KNOWING!" a certain person at the time is ignoring their texts/responses/direct confrontations, etc. I can't believe this friend has the gall to actually say something like that. Especially in front of me. Especially because 9/10 of my texts/calls/direct responses to this friend come up ignored. 9/10 times we're supposed to hang out, the person cancels for one reason or another. 9/10 times they go months at a time not even talking to me. Really? You have the balls to bitch about that in front of me? Some would argue...they are not a good friend...maybe it's a sign they don't want to BE your friend...but yet it's always THEM who comes back to me. Who always says they miss me and wants to do something. Who always says let's not let things go missing for so long again. I'm at the point where I just don't care.
People are so rude. They say whatever and however it comes to their mind. Everything is a poisoned dagger at this point. I have such a desire to become a complete recluse. As it is with my lack of hours in my job to the point I'm basically not working....as it is with all my GOOD friends moved away an the ones here are no longer real good "friends"....I am home 80% of the time. I am recluse enough. But the things people say daily and their actions toward me..make me desire to become one completely...and to myself become one. While not suicidal, thoughts of not wanting to care/live (the usual crap) enter my head all the time...which brings full circle to the opening line (after the whole repost thing)
....there is such a dichotomy in me.
How can I be so worried and paranoid of myself and feel things are such a danger to me when all I want to do is disappear and crawl into fetal position? I need meds so, so bad.