Paranoia special!
Soooo, I dunno. I swear I only post here nowadays just to keep it "active" Don't let my boring hit your ass on the way out.
Uh...let's see. I've been more paranoid then I've ever been in my entire life. And I'm trying to get a hold on it but it's not working out too well. I keep convincing myself I'll be ok,which would work if whatever I was being paranoid about didn't happen again later.
For instance...I've had this pain in a very specific spot in my head for a long time. Years ago it used to be dull. Now it's sharp. It could be stress for all I know...I don't know...but I worry the worst...tumor...and reading people who have similar things suggested the same. I need to get it checked out but I, and everyone in my family, is strapped for cash. And the problem is - I don't have active health insurance atm. At my age, I need to be a full time student or full time worker. Since this is my last semester in college, I only needed 3 classes, and I'm still working the same job and hours (at least till schoo lis out) so - I am neither. Maybe I can hold out and wait till the end of the semester and get a full time job so I can get this checked. But yeah...That's an example of my paranoia.
Another example is...
I have this cool teacher. Funny...he gives us fingers in class when we bait and make fun of him. Makes jokes, degrades a few of us when he knows we can take it, etc. However, you follow his few rules. You respect the classmates when it's beyond a joke...and for our final project...he is very strict. 3 parts. You HAVE to hand it in to him...and follow directions exactly, or he will fail the whole project. Needless to say, last Thursday (when this part was due) a student decided he didn't want to attend class and waited a few minutes beforehand, then left, throwing his 2nd step of the project on the table - or so he thought. Apparently (I wasn't there) it missed the table, slid off and landed behind the trash. Long story short...they told the teacher where his report is...the teacher was very strict...said, "he didn't hand it to me. Doesn't count." A student (let's call him Joe), suggested ripping it up as a joke. The teacher extended his hand in invitation. Another student got up...and ripped a piece off. And one of the worst things I've ever seen a teacher allow/students partake in...he passed it to the kid in the first row, and he ripped off a piece, and they passed it around the whole entire classroom and each ripped a piece off. I was disgusted, but I said nothing. When it came to me, I passed it, not taking part in it. I should have said something, and I regret that I didn't. I guess I was scared of mob mentality...I don't know. And he saw me not rip it up...and I guess he felt that I may run to tell someone...and he proceeded to explain why he did this and it's a lesson to learn to listen to him...which is NOT the way to do it.
Anyway, a small thought formed in my head behind the fear. Every year, spring seems to be the season for whackos to come out and shoot up schools and jobs, etc. This kid is a quiet kid...not one who would only laugh it off if he found out the class had taken part in ripping up his project. He's not nerdy, just quiet looking. And I knew that if someone told him, he'd flip - but to what degree. Then the thought manifested itself. The class before this one (same class, but earlier in the week), someone (the same "Joe" guy) asked who this kid was because no one recognized him...14 of the 14 Joe asked (and quietly behind his back too) said they didn't know him. I banked my hope this last class that that depiction was accurate and he didn't really have a friend in that class who would run to tell him. The teacher informed us that Thursday that if anyone knew him to tell him to have it in by Friday (the day after this last class) or it would be a zero. This thought of mine manifested again and again into a real fear of him coming in, guns blazing. The whole entire class, including the teacher, publicly humiliated him behind his back and ripped up his work. The kid was quiet. His attendance is spotty. He always seems distant. And worst of all, to me, is that this class is in the interior of the school...so no windows. And all these connections just turned into an ugly beast. I was so scared to go to class today..I finally was able to convince myself that someone would stop him since the room was so crowded. I watched him once in awhile every few minutes. Nothing happened...we watched a video...the teacher told him to come outside...I hope beyond all hope he decided to give him one last chance. He came in and went to sleep, not clearly shooken up.
Another example...but this one is created from a very real event - what my sister did to me last year or whatever it was. Every time a cop goes down my street, I get sick. Every time a cop pulls behind me, I turn to jello. Every time I see a car I've never seen stop in front of my house (and honeslty, I live in a double dead cul-de-sac shaped like a T, where my house is in the middle of the connecting lines of the T - why would anyone stop and park there anyway?), I wonder if it's an undercover cop staking me out.
I know...I'm sick. believe me...I'm not rationalizing this. My mental...spiritual...whatever you want to call it, psyche is so messed up. It forms in different spots all the time. Sometimes I'll be anxious to where I don't want to be seen by anyone or do anything. Other times I get a panic attack right in the middle of something...and then other times I get this incredible paranoia. It morphs into something or other every time. I've been praying to calm my nerve, trying to convince myself that this is just a stage and it will all go away when I can move out...I only hope I can make it out. I seem to be making my own grave in this house...and I know it's coming to an end (school, living here, etc) so hopefully I can make it one step ahead of the "explosion" so to speak. I know I'll have 1000 other stresses when I move out...I did it before....but I'm ready again...I'd welcome new problems to replace my old ones that just spawn and strengthen in this home.
I know it's stupid of me...but I can't stop usually right away. I've actually been able to get a handle on things because I've convinced myself (but it's true anyway) that I live the most normal life - in terms of location and activities. I have nothing to fear except health issues, and a logical explanation to that is that my dad's side of the family are known hypocondriacs. I don't wanna be like them...blah. I'm getting better, I just hope my progress is steady....I always beat these problems when they sprout up eventually when I figure out how to get under my OWN reasoning...I'm like a puzzle that I have to solve every time. The good news is that it keeps me really wise on the human psyche and I think that's why I understand the human mind better than most. So don't think I'm cracking or becoming some psycho - I BEAT whatever it is, just not always IMMEDIATELY. It's good that I'm older now and smarter in how to handle these things.
That's about it for me. Graduating in a month and some odd days (hopefully). Gonna quit work, get a full or part time job, save up, then move out and look for a career job, hopefully...or a job to tide me over until then.
PS The farm is half destroyed :( Ok not half...but there's dead trees everywhere..we had a bunch of bad ice storms and wind...and my two favorite trees are now knocked over and dead. There's destruction everywhere...it was so sad to go up and see it...but I feel a sense of duty to go there and fix it up. I hope everyone will partake