(no subject)
So what's to say these days? When your mundane life is only interupted by a tragedy or horror story of some type? I can't sit here and even say anything exciting has happened because it's all the same. Stressed out over work and school topped with some family member doing this, or some friend doing that. Now that it's summer I can remove the stress of that aspect of it, but come September, it's all going to begin again.
And unfortunately, the one thing/place that I can call my own haven - cutting the lawn at the Farm, is starting to wane on me as well. It's where I used to go to get away from everything. I could sit on that mower and cut for hours at a time, just thinking things, enjoying the peace, being away from everyone. You know - the same for anyone's little get-a-way. Now it's becoming a bother to me. I'm just tired of getting off the mower (getting on in years, but mostly from excessive use) and feeling like shit and shaking and having my head feel like it's going to crack open...or have a seizure - something fun like that. I guess it just gets more choring on me as the summer season wears on. I know I will never tire of it to the point of quitting it or shirking my self-proclaimed duty (is that even right?). I just need a restart somehow.
I think I'm just burnt out. I know I have been for awhile. School is taxing. I found out I only have 2 semesters to go - one year. Not bad. It's not exactly 2 years, but many don't graduate the community colleges within 2 years. I'm finishing mine in 3. I think I turned out ok. Now I have to decide if I want to go to a 4 year (I REALLY REALLY want to) or if it would be more logical to postpone it or even ignore it and get myself a job and money so I can stop stressing. Yeah, I know some people can handle 3 jobs and double the amount of classes - but I wasn't made for that. Epsecially since as far back as I can remember, I have always had my eye on the more serene, calm, simple life.
To top that all off I'm losing my hair still. People try to calm you - but it's very similar to depression (in terms of outside explanation) - you can't explain it to someone who isn't having it happen, and there's no "easy cure" to stop thinking about it. I have taken the idea of hair transplant into serious consideration. They even offer an easy payment plan. 250-300 a month. Easy right? Wrong. I work one job and go to school. My parents give me shelter but ever since my brother and recently my sister have graduated, the idea of "family" has almost completely evaporated - at least when it comes to family things - such as dinner for example. So, while I'm not going to say they're ignoring me (it's still a sweet deal to live for free at home) I do have to pay for a lot of things of my own. My parents aren't too hot right now financially so I am paying for more bills (again, not a bitch complaint - I have no problems with it) among other things such as 4 bucks for gas. I get to keep about 100 bucks to myself every two weeks. Now my car is on the verge of blowing up...there's nothing glaringly obvious happening yet, but I have a funny feeling something is going to happen to it soon. I need to fix my door, regardless. Then I have to pay for school. And books. I desperately want to fix my hair, but my life is first. Even though I think if I had my hair nice again I'd be in better spirits and probably do about things better....stupid catch 22's.
Oh well. I'm just tired of it all. Same life. Same things. I guess the "20's lifestyle" that everyone says happens is really shining in me - poor and feeling like you're going nowhere. I've lost the will to do a lot of things. Like shave. I've forgotten to brush my teeth a bunch - I know...ew..and since school is over I don't even shower every day, and it's a good week if it's every other day (but I swear...I don't smell. The less energy I use - only going to work and sitting in front of a computer - the less I smell..and I do wash my hair every day - with a sink - how I do it anyway because I can be gentler on my hair - and I do use deoderant). I know it's gross...but I can't help it. I'm spiraling into depression again, yet it's NOT depression. It just has a lot of the same symptoms. I don't feel the depression as I had it before. I just need some kind of jump, and there's nothing to provide it.
Hell, I don't even have friends to impress or be with. For the most part, they have abandoned me, gone to jail, changed, stabbed me in the back, or I have ex'd THEM out. Hell...even some friends I know online do the same. Don't respond, "too busy" (online is the stupidest place to lie because it's not hard to see them say "I'm busy that's why I haven't responded" and watch them do about 50 other things to other people) I'm also tired of being used. Some friends only talk to me when they break up, then ignore me again when they get back together (as if who couldn't see that one?). And I know they are going to stop talking to me once everything is ok in THEIR lives again - after they've sucked me of my resouces once more - but I can't help it...I have to talk to them. I'm a weird person...I really LOVE being alone. As long as I have SOME contact with the outside world (talking for instance) I am ok with not being around people all the time, minus a few times here and there. Yet...when that SOME kind of contact is taken away from me (the talking I mentioned in prior sentence) I feel lonely all over and, in the face of being used, respond back helplessly.
Blah...I just need something new. To take my mind off everything and I can set myself up again. Tired of being used, put aside and going down the same choo-choo track. I just need a jump. A vacation. A spark.
Anyone got a light?
And unfortunately, the one thing/place that I can call my own haven - cutting the lawn at the Farm, is starting to wane on me as well. It's where I used to go to get away from everything. I could sit on that mower and cut for hours at a time, just thinking things, enjoying the peace, being away from everyone. You know - the same for anyone's little get-a-way. Now it's becoming a bother to me. I'm just tired of getting off the mower (getting on in years, but mostly from excessive use) and feeling like shit and shaking and having my head feel like it's going to crack open...or have a seizure - something fun like that. I guess it just gets more choring on me as the summer season wears on. I know I will never tire of it to the point of quitting it or shirking my self-proclaimed duty (is that even right?). I just need a restart somehow.
I think I'm just burnt out. I know I have been for awhile. School is taxing. I found out I only have 2 semesters to go - one year. Not bad. It's not exactly 2 years, but many don't graduate the community colleges within 2 years. I'm finishing mine in 3. I think I turned out ok. Now I have to decide if I want to go to a 4 year (I REALLY REALLY want to) or if it would be more logical to postpone it or even ignore it and get myself a job and money so I can stop stressing. Yeah, I know some people can handle 3 jobs and double the amount of classes - but I wasn't made for that. Epsecially since as far back as I can remember, I have always had my eye on the more serene, calm, simple life.
To top that all off I'm losing my hair still. People try to calm you - but it's very similar to depression (in terms of outside explanation) - you can't explain it to someone who isn't having it happen, and there's no "easy cure" to stop thinking about it. I have taken the idea of hair transplant into serious consideration. They even offer an easy payment plan. 250-300 a month. Easy right? Wrong. I work one job and go to school. My parents give me shelter but ever since my brother and recently my sister have graduated, the idea of "family" has almost completely evaporated - at least when it comes to family things - such as dinner for example. So, while I'm not going to say they're ignoring me (it's still a sweet deal to live for free at home) I do have to pay for a lot of things of my own. My parents aren't too hot right now financially so I am paying for more bills (again, not a bitch complaint - I have no problems with it) among other things such as 4 bucks for gas. I get to keep about 100 bucks to myself every two weeks. Now my car is on the verge of blowing up...there's nothing glaringly obvious happening yet, but I have a funny feeling something is going to happen to it soon. I need to fix my door, regardless. Then I have to pay for school. And books. I desperately want to fix my hair, but my life is first. Even though I think if I had my hair nice again I'd be in better spirits and probably do about things better....stupid catch 22's.
Oh well. I'm just tired of it all. Same life. Same things. I guess the "20's lifestyle" that everyone says happens is really shining in me - poor and feeling like you're going nowhere. I've lost the will to do a lot of things. Like shave. I've forgotten to brush my teeth a bunch - I know...ew..and since school is over I don't even shower every day, and it's a good week if it's every other day (but I swear...I don't smell. The less energy I use - only going to work and sitting in front of a computer - the less I smell..and I do wash my hair every day - with a sink - how I do it anyway because I can be gentler on my hair - and I do use deoderant). I know it's gross...but I can't help it. I'm spiraling into depression again, yet it's NOT depression. It just has a lot of the same symptoms. I don't feel the depression as I had it before. I just need some kind of jump, and there's nothing to provide it.
Hell, I don't even have friends to impress or be with. For the most part, they have abandoned me, gone to jail, changed, stabbed me in the back, or I have ex'd THEM out. Hell...even some friends I know online do the same. Don't respond, "too busy" (online is the stupidest place to lie because it's not hard to see them say "I'm busy that's why I haven't responded" and watch them do about 50 other things to other people) I'm also tired of being used. Some friends only talk to me when they break up, then ignore me again when they get back together (as if who couldn't see that one?). And I know they are going to stop talking to me once everything is ok in THEIR lives again - after they've sucked me of my resouces once more - but I can't help it...I have to talk to them. I'm a weird person...I really LOVE being alone. As long as I have SOME contact with the outside world (talking for instance) I am ok with not being around people all the time, minus a few times here and there. Yet...when that SOME kind of contact is taken away from me (the talking I mentioned in prior sentence) I feel lonely all over and, in the face of being used, respond back helplessly.
Blah...I just need something new. To take my mind off everything and I can set myself up again. Tired of being used, put aside and going down the same choo-choo track. I just need a jump. A vacation. A spark.
Anyone got a light?