To think I was gonna LJ-cut this rant....
Yeah, so I was gonna wait 'til tomorrow to update so I wouldn't take up space on peoples' friends lists or seem desperately attached to nothing, but thats what I am, thats what I've always been. I'm very insecure, I constantly need validation and I rarely look on the bright side of life, I guess. Something, I can't even clearly gather what it was, but something made me depressed before. Actually, Why should I lie? I know exactly what made me depressed, but I just don't want to say it. In fact, just take note that if I say I don't remember something either to your face or in this journal, then odds are its a bold faced lie. I think I lie a lot, because I don't ever really want to be frank with my emotions, but something did bother me, and its still bothering me, it will probably bother me for the rest of the week until I can find something interesting to occupy my mind, or interesting people to hang out with. I don;t think I will, because for basically as far back as I can remember in my college life, I haven't been a permanent resident with any group of friends as I was with highschool, back when it was me, Steve, Ian, Purdy, Jeremy, and maybe a few others who came and went, but I don't remember them, they don't remember me, and struggling to remember their names is too difficult a task at this moment. Perhaps they didn't exist. Just a second ago I went back and made some spelling corrections, I don't really know why. This is me. This is just about the most honest you'll ever see me. And even so, I still won't tell you what's making me upset because, who the Hell knows?? It just might involve YOU. You can IM and try and figure out, some people have done that before on a wild guess, but that was almost a freak accident. Otherwise I probably won;t tell you. I tell my therapist, Brother Tim, almost nothing each week I see him. I should just go in this Friday and say to him, 'why should I waste your time like this?' I tell people lies about how I'm feeling, 'bad day, I guess', 'I'm depressed', but of course I'm depressed, because I've been having bad days for so damn long its like I'm walking down an endless line with no purpose or end and I'm running out of energy. I've been paddling like crazy only 30 or so feet out in the Atlantic for months now, and I'm still not gonna scream for help until I know its safe, but maybe the sea water will kill me, or I can just be engulfed and happy in a watery tomb, never to be found again. And at this point it really doesn't matter what I'm writing or what I'm saying because this one's just another brick in the wall, a snag in a shoelace, another ignorable entry from an obsessive idiot. I stood in the shower for probably an extra ten minutes before because I knew it would be the only thing to keep warm in this world. Its the only thing. There's nothing else. I don't need your optimism right now, I just need what I always know I've always had: myself, alone in my dorm on a night with no work to do, nothing to occupy my mind but the next hypothetical situation that will never happen, the next wall I hit....anything....