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I think a long time ago when I made this thing friends only I forgot to um post a non friends only post so people could say.. "hey you stupid asshole add me I'm your friend retard..." and shit so yea I'm putting this here and I'll probably regret it and take it down within a day knowing me. and If I haven't added you for a long time and you've
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I'm 17 now. You died at 17. I guess we're finally the same age. Even though you were only a year older or so it seemed so far away. Maybe you were a year and a half older, actually. Yeah. That sounds more like it.
I spiralled downhill. I wish I had seen it happening. To maybe catch myself. But who knows if that was possible? It got worse. You'd ask me how I felt and I'd tell you I felt depressed. I had no idea how depressed I was really going to feel later.
Now I can see how you felt. I can see why you cut yourself. I know why you'd make those fresh carvings in your skin. I got mad at you for it, didn't I? I know you never wanted to talk about it with me.
I started doing it too, Fanni. I was cutting too. I understand now. I finally do. I guess you can't really understand until you do it, and even if you still can [understand it] thereafter. It got deeper. I started cutting to muscle, Fanni. Those gashes that need stitches. Then I started smoking, just like what you did Fanni. That I got so avoidant of you for. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I know you'd forgive me, though. I'm not ready to stop smoking yet but once I get myself back together and stop hating myself so much I will quit. From smoking I started burning. But, I don't want to stop yet. I'm not ready for that. I haven't even tried. I just don't wanna. Maybe it'll come to me though, maybe someday. I do wish we could talk about it though.
I finally see why you wanted to commit suicide. I wanted to commit suicide too. I went to a mental institution, Fanni. For 4 weeks. They put me on medication there, better medication than what I was taking already. I don't want to kill myself anymore, Fanni.
I think you'd be proud of me. I'm getting better. I WILL get better. I'm on 300 mg of Effexor now, and I take Topamax for my Eating Disorder, yes I have that too now. You know, sometimes, I just look at myself and I say, "how did this all happen?" It's so strange, mental health, I still don't fully understand it. But I know you do. I know we feel the same now. We did before.. just imagine how we'd be now. Inseparable. :)
I cried a lot when I found out the news. I've cried since then too. I can't forget about you, I've tried to, I know that's stupid but you were just such a big part of my life. It's quite obvious how much I miss you because even my mom knows it.
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